trying to resolve relationship with fetish

[merffie1]

Hi. I'm new to this forum and I need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we love each other very much. We support each other and have built a wonderful relationship that brings us much happiness. However, we have some problems when it comes to sex. We've tried intercourse many times, without success. You see, he has various fetishes and isn't turned on by sex. His primary fetish is diapers--the object itself, not infantilism. So far I've been nothing but loving and supporting of his interests. I have no hesitation in incorporating diapers and other objects into our bedroom play. However, I have yet to be sexually-satisfied with him. He has a lot of anxiety about sexual intercourse. He knows I want it, and he wants it for my sake, but so far he has not been able to maintain an erection when the moment arises. I'm worried that my reinforcement of his fetishes and the cutesy, sexless bedroom environment we've created together has rendered a mutually-satisfying sexual relationship impossible. He doesn't want to get rid of his fetishes--and I don't think he should--but we need to expand our sexual horizons to encompass my needs as well. We've met with a sex therapist who had some good advice, but I'm looking for additional perspectives.

Something else I should note: we spend most of our time in separate states. I'm still in college and he graduated last year. Over the phone there isn't much impetus to deal with our sexual problems. However, we're spending this month together and are using the opportunity to work on it together. There's a lot worth saving in this relationship and it's important to both of us to solve this problem.

[Mark]

Long distance relationships are very hard. Adding this sexual desire incompatibility to the mix makes the situation harder still.

I don't have any advice to offer, I don't think, but I have some questions and observations. My one observation is that you seem quite tolerant of not getting what you want. There always needs to be a balance between feeling good about yourself for being selfless and benefiting others, and feeling good about yourself because you are getting your needs met in a way that feels directly satisfying. the one gratifies the self-image, while the other gratifies in a more direct, physical manner. Both are important, but the range of sustainable balances between these two things that people need to maintain vary. I guess my observation is that you seem out of balance to me - being too selfless and understanding and not selfish enough (healthy selfish - not bad selfish), and I wonder what your own thoughts are on the matter. I'm not "right" about what the balance should be. I can only reflect my own perspective, which is not your own.

Maybe it would be helpful to ask you to talk about where you see this relationship going. For instance, is it important that you ultimately have satisfying intercourse for this relationship to be sustained long term? What if that never happens- will you find a way to make it work? At what point will you know when to call it quits (what will the signs of that being necessary to do look like?).

Also - I have questions about the value people in your family have put upon being accomodating. Is this an expectation of women in your family? Or is it possibly a role that you've played out before in other relationships?

The more that you can put your situation into context of your past and your desired future, the more this may make sense.

Mark