JessicaVAM
01-20-2009, 01:57 PM
Just recently I had gotten into it with a friend over something just stupid. but the way I chose to deal with it was through sending her e-mails back and forth instead of calling on the phone, because I have a hard time expressing words out loud, and I begin to panic when things get heated and I start crying almost immediately when someone gets upset with me.
Well, she called me spineless for having to send e-mails instead of calling on the phone to get to the issues, and I started looking at different personality disorders and came across Avoidant personality disorder. I do understand that everyone at some point has the potential to possess some of the character traits, and even possibly all of them, but its when it interfers with social well being and their work and home life is when it becomes a "disorder." So I was going to send all the avoidant traits, and give examples of me and say how often I tend to have them to see if maybe, it was enough for me to need to seek help, or if ya'll think I am just barking up the wrong tree...
Social Inhibition: If I am invited to a party, I am the person you find in the next room where no one else or only my very closest friend, that invited me and the only reason I was there, is. I feel like I follow the one person I feel comfortable around like a puppy dog and the whole time I do it, I constantly have that nagging feeling that they are getting irritated with me for doing it. .... How often? anytime I'm around anyone I don't know, or multiple people. Even if I am with all sorts of people I know and like, I will cling to the person I feel the absolute most comfortable with.
Hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism: I have lived in the town I am in now for 4½ years and have had only one friend, and only a handful of acquantances (misspelled). If I am talking to someone I don't know, it is because they started talking to me first and I don't tell them much because I have that feeling of, I have to get an idea of who they are before I speak because I don't know what to say, and one time hit it off with another mom that had a son the same age as my son, and wanted to ask for a phone number, but was too scared that she'd turn me down and think I was weird for asking. I will not approach or call anyone that I don't know, or people who I don't talk to much, for fear that they will think "why is she talking to me." or completely ignore me. (constantly do this)
Both of my parents had to find out about my first pregnancy through e-mail because I was too scared to call and tell them. I waited until I was almost half way through with it before I even let them know. The second pregnancy I couldn't even muster up an e-mail and sent them a text message!!!!
I also get extremely upset, for weeks on end about the littlest things my mom (or anyone) says to me. 36 hours after having my second son, her first words when she saw me were "you still look pregnant." I could fit into clothes pre-pregnancy after 3 days! That hurt to the point I was upset with her still to this day, and my son is about 2½ months old. My husband is always saying how I can't take a joke, especially when its poking fun at me.
I even start to cry when I go to the doctor for something, like to get a depo shot and am told I can't have it. Once, a week before I turned 18, I was told to go to the doctor to get a shot for school, and the nurse told me I couldn't get it because I needed a parent present and just the fact she told me no was enough to make me burst into tears. I always just assumed maybe I was just over sensitive and maybe I was just not told no enough as a kid.
Is reluctant to take personal risks because they may prove to be embarrassing: All the time. I say I can't dance... Truth is, I won't try because I'm scared of making a fool out of myself and being laughed at. I don't like sexually explicit movies because I get incredibly embarrassed by sex. Even sex jokes that are to do with any woman, not just me, I hate because I feel like its a direct stab at only me.
Avoids opportunities to supervise others at work: I was once told that my store mananger was thinking of making me a manager. I quickly replied with a "I don't want to deal with people coming up and cursing me out. " And everytime I thought of how much I actually wanted to give it a shot, my mind came back with a "you can't manage people, you'll screw something up."
Also read that there was something about a history of parents being very rejectful. My mom was always very critical of me. I grew up my entire life blaming myself for my mothers bad life, why she never went to college, and why she wound up in an abusive marriage she eventual had to end. She picked at every single aspect of my image. Nails, hair, the lack of make-up, told me I needed contacts because glasses didn't look good, my teeth got compliments all the time for how straight and white they were but my mom said I needed to get them filed and whitened because they were "chalky". By the 6th grade she was on me about weight, and how fat I was getting and how I needed to diet. I once asked her for $5 and she looked at me and said "do you think you are worth $5." I was told by my dad that she said she never cared if she saw me again as long as she got the child support money. At the age of 13, she told me to pack my stuff and get out of her house because I had yelled at my 6 or 7 year old little brother for yelling at me about a shirt of his I needed to wash. (I was the one who was constantly made to do everything. My mom, sister, and brother never cleaned.) I moved out and slept on my dad's couch for a year and a half because he lived in a small trailor and didn't have enough room for me. The entire time I lived with her, I had anger issues that I don't really know how they resolved. I hit my brother and sister out of anger and the sound of their pain made me feel good. The moment they would stop, I'd hit them again to hear them cry. If I got frustrated with something, I would make myself sit in a corner, dig my heals into the ground, and cover my nose and mouth w/ my hands and hyperventilate. I would pull knives out of the kitchen and threaten my siblings with it. Once I got extremely scared because while threatening my brother, I could imagine i had killed him. I imagined how it would be to commit suicide.
I no longer have the suicidal thoughts or as bad of anger issues, but I do still get extremely mad, and have to yell to the top of my lungs to keep from physically going nuts. I have to remind myself to never hit my sons out of anger.
Anyway, thats enough of all that. I've bored you enough already.
Well, she called me spineless for having to send e-mails instead of calling on the phone to get to the issues, and I started looking at different personality disorders and came across Avoidant personality disorder. I do understand that everyone at some point has the potential to possess some of the character traits, and even possibly all of them, but its when it interfers with social well being and their work and home life is when it becomes a "disorder." So I was going to send all the avoidant traits, and give examples of me and say how often I tend to have them to see if maybe, it was enough for me to need to seek help, or if ya'll think I am just barking up the wrong tree...
Social Inhibition: If I am invited to a party, I am the person you find in the next room where no one else or only my very closest friend, that invited me and the only reason I was there, is. I feel like I follow the one person I feel comfortable around like a puppy dog and the whole time I do it, I constantly have that nagging feeling that they are getting irritated with me for doing it. .... How often? anytime I'm around anyone I don't know, or multiple people. Even if I am with all sorts of people I know and like, I will cling to the person I feel the absolute most comfortable with.
Hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism: I have lived in the town I am in now for 4½ years and have had only one friend, and only a handful of acquantances (misspelled). If I am talking to someone I don't know, it is because they started talking to me first and I don't tell them much because I have that feeling of, I have to get an idea of who they are before I speak because I don't know what to say, and one time hit it off with another mom that had a son the same age as my son, and wanted to ask for a phone number, but was too scared that she'd turn me down and think I was weird for asking. I will not approach or call anyone that I don't know, or people who I don't talk to much, for fear that they will think "why is she talking to me." or completely ignore me. (constantly do this)
Both of my parents had to find out about my first pregnancy through e-mail because I was too scared to call and tell them. I waited until I was almost half way through with it before I even let them know. The second pregnancy I couldn't even muster up an e-mail and sent them a text message!!!!
I also get extremely upset, for weeks on end about the littlest things my mom (or anyone) says to me. 36 hours after having my second son, her first words when she saw me were "you still look pregnant." I could fit into clothes pre-pregnancy after 3 days! That hurt to the point I was upset with her still to this day, and my son is about 2½ months old. My husband is always saying how I can't take a joke, especially when its poking fun at me.
I even start to cry when I go to the doctor for something, like to get a depo shot and am told I can't have it. Once, a week before I turned 18, I was told to go to the doctor to get a shot for school, and the nurse told me I couldn't get it because I needed a parent present and just the fact she told me no was enough to make me burst into tears. I always just assumed maybe I was just over sensitive and maybe I was just not told no enough as a kid.
Is reluctant to take personal risks because they may prove to be embarrassing: All the time. I say I can't dance... Truth is, I won't try because I'm scared of making a fool out of myself and being laughed at. I don't like sexually explicit movies because I get incredibly embarrassed by sex. Even sex jokes that are to do with any woman, not just me, I hate because I feel like its a direct stab at only me.
Avoids opportunities to supervise others at work: I was once told that my store mananger was thinking of making me a manager. I quickly replied with a "I don't want to deal with people coming up and cursing me out. " And everytime I thought of how much I actually wanted to give it a shot, my mind came back with a "you can't manage people, you'll screw something up."
Also read that there was something about a history of parents being very rejectful. My mom was always very critical of me. I grew up my entire life blaming myself for my mothers bad life, why she never went to college, and why she wound up in an abusive marriage she eventual had to end. She picked at every single aspect of my image. Nails, hair, the lack of make-up, told me I needed contacts because glasses didn't look good, my teeth got compliments all the time for how straight and white they were but my mom said I needed to get them filed and whitened because they were "chalky". By the 6th grade she was on me about weight, and how fat I was getting and how I needed to diet. I once asked her for $5 and she looked at me and said "do you think you are worth $5." I was told by my dad that she said she never cared if she saw me again as long as she got the child support money. At the age of 13, she told me to pack my stuff and get out of her house because I had yelled at my 6 or 7 year old little brother for yelling at me about a shirt of his I needed to wash. (I was the one who was constantly made to do everything. My mom, sister, and brother never cleaned.) I moved out and slept on my dad's couch for a year and a half because he lived in a small trailor and didn't have enough room for me. The entire time I lived with her, I had anger issues that I don't really know how they resolved. I hit my brother and sister out of anger and the sound of their pain made me feel good. The moment they would stop, I'd hit them again to hear them cry. If I got frustrated with something, I would make myself sit in a corner, dig my heals into the ground, and cover my nose and mouth w/ my hands and hyperventilate. I would pull knives out of the kitchen and threaten my siblings with it. Once I got extremely scared because while threatening my brother, I could imagine i had killed him. I imagined how it would be to commit suicide.
I no longer have the suicidal thoughts or as bad of anger issues, but I do still get extremely mad, and have to yell to the top of my lungs to keep from physically going nuts. I have to remind myself to never hit my sons out of anger.
Anyway, thats enough of all that. I've bored you enough already.