does this mean I'm crazy

[braveheartlion]

sorry, this is a long one. if you're in a hurry this post isn't for you.

Ive been having extreme emotional problems for a few years, but I've always been overly sensitive, overemotional, and had difficulty making friends since I was a kid. One dr recently diagnosed me w/ major depressive disorder, bipolar2, panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety. I got another assesment, and this dr diagnosed me w/ psychosis NOS, major depressive disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, agoraphobia, short term memory loss.

I just found out through my social security attorney actually, what my diagnoses were. My dr didn't even tell me! maybe she didn't want me to lose hope or something?

dshs is making me apply for social security. I wanted to do the job program, but they don't think I should do that. they don't think I can handle it. I don't know what I did to make them think that, when I talk to a case worker they talk to me like a toddler. You know how you talk to someone who you know is slow or not right in the head? That is how they talk to me.

its like everyone knows something about me that I don't. or something is obvious to everyone but me that something isn't right.

I wonder, do I look crazy? Do I act crazy? I write coherently, I do lose track of my words or the point of what I'm saying sometimes. I've noticed, if I for instance saw a sale at a store on strawberries, when I say it I get flustered and mix up the order. I'll say something like "the strawberries were at the store, and wait a minute let me back up, I went to the store and saw these strawberries - and there was a sale. The strawberries were part of that sale." you know? That never happens when I write, I think bc when you type you get your thoughts out slower and have time to process what you're going to say.

I've had a lot of bad relationships, where the man took advantage of me. I don't even bother w/ relationships anymore bc I feel like when it comes to men, I just don't get it. I'm doing something wrong obviously for everyone to be able to read the words "I will let you get away with murder" on my forehead. Now that I think about it, I've never had a normal relationship, never been on a date, I'm 29.

I just want there to be a book or something that will help me to interact with people, know how to make and sustain friendships, help me set limits with people. I feel like a smart person who can learn and be a productive member of society if I just have the tools. I don't have any friends and don't know what I'm doing wrong and I wonder does everyone else think I'm crazy? People have asked me a few times, seriously, if I'm crazy. Or if there's something wrong with me.

if this makes sense to anyone out there please respond. I'm particularly upset about the psychosis diagnosis, I don't know what this means for me and my life. does it have anything to do w/ schizophrenia? Does it mean the uncontrollable thoughts and obsessions will get worse?

I know I need to get a good therapist but I do have this "everyone's out to get me" thing and have always ended up eventually thinking my therapist doesn't like me

Also has anyone done those depression studies? how did it go, what did you think of it?

[paula]

Hi Braveheartlion

I know I need to get a good therapist but I do have this "everyone's out to get me" thing and have always ended up eventually thinking my therapist doesn't like me

I know exactly where your coming from, as many will tell you on this site.

I too, think everyone's out to get me. That's because, everything/anything I've ever done for people, I've always what you call been shit on! It has happened for years. People used to come up to me and tell me that I'm being shit on and I wouldn't accept it. I kept thinking deep down, 'no they don't mean it?' I always knew deep down that it was happening but always hoped that they might change?

I had to see it myself... Eventually, when I did see it, it hit me like a rock! Even though I half expected it! Am I making sense?

It got that much that I just didn't bother with anyone and still don't! My guard is constantly up! I don't trust no one! Not even myself some times (joke)

I know the questions you are asking and I know the answers, but just don't know how to give them to you? Again if that makes any sense?

[braveheartlion]

yes I do know what you mean when you say it hit you on the head. I think its just been the past year that I've realized how many people I've let take advantage of me, even my own family. They always expect me to offer to help. For instance I visited my mom over the weekend, she doesn't like to go to the salon to do her hair so sometimes I do it. I had already told her I'd been having pain in my fingers, but when I came over, she had a perm kit sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. HINT HINT!!!! This time, I didn't offer to help. My sister came over to my apt the other day, she usually comes over unnanounced and dumps all her problems on me, and then leaves w/out asking me how I am doing. So this time, I told her I was busy. She was shocked, I think she knows on some level that I can be desperate for friendship and company. But this time it didn't matter. Growing up I was the family scapegoat, now I see how easy it was for everyone to blame me for the family problems. I did always think that everything was my fault. I was told that I was a defiant child. But I didn't have any friends, hardly left my room, got good grades, if teachers said anything about me it was that I was quiet. So yes I understand, things have just been clicking on like a light bulb in the past year for me too.

[paula]

Hi Braveheartlion

I think its just been the past year that I've realized how many people I've let take advantage of me, even my own family. They always expect me to offer to help.

I know exactly what you mean! My mother has always thought more of my Two younger sisters than of me and my Two older brothers. Its at the stage that me and my brother's don't even bother going to see her now! Only at Christmas and Birthdays and thats only me, my two brothers don't bother at all and I can't blame them. Only wish I could say no?

Anyway, last Sunday I received a phone call from my mum. I thought it was a bit unusual her phoning me? I knew it was her with the caller display. When I answered, she was all nice on the phone. 'How are you etc?' Then she asked would I go up and clear her bedroom and the back living room as she was expecting Sky to rewire he Digi box. Even though I wanted to say NO! I couldn't.

When I got up there which was 18.30, the place looked like a pig sty! I asked her how it had got this bad and she said she had been looking for something. I asked her why she didn't get in touch with my sisters to do it? She came back with 'They've got to be up early in the morning for work' so I said 'what do you think I do all day, I work full time and am up myself at 06.30 every morning' She just said you're here now so you may as well do it! No thanks, kiss my arse or anything!

I asked her when was the last time she seen the youngest sister and she said Christmas day. I felt like saying 'oh yeah, but you think the sun shines out of her arse though don't you?'

Anyway, thats another story!

[braveheartlion]

omgosh that's my mom! she always makes excuses as to why my brother or sister can't help, making their situation sound soooo awful. But when it comes to me, I she is not as understanding about my situations.

[paula]

Oh I know what you mean!

It's as if we get all the shit & they get all the praise! It really pissis me off!