sick & Tired

[sick&tired]

hey pals ..
i really dunno how to start this,1st of all my english is not perfect because I'm not english or american,i'm palestinian(arabic).
my sadness is killing me .. although everyone from my family & friends think am the happiest person .. i always cry i always feel bad,always lost btw 3 circles hate pain and regert ...im just damn tired ,i really need something to get me out of this.
depression is killing me day after day,when am happy and i laugh from inside i know am faking and am not happy at all ..
this life ate me alive,this life made me sleepless and hopeless ,i swear all i want from this life is PEACE OF MIND .. i wanna get rid of the pain ..
i wanna see my mother again,she died and she was dreaming to see me,i used to let her down everyday,make her cry everyday,she used to sleep outside my room on the ground just to make sure i dont do anything to my self,once (this is one of things killing me)i spat in my mother's face ,cause i was fucking high and on drugs.thats making me lose my eyes because of crying.
she died after 1 year and before i make up to her,im crying on everything i did to her,she was always there for me,and i have never been anywhere for her,she loved me to death,she was dreamin to see me,but i was away from home :((((
now am sick and tired of this bad memory ..this thing makes me lose control and regret.i wanna see her just to tell her i dun do drugs anymore,i wanna see her and tell her am fine,i wanna buy her a gift,i wanna make her smile ..
i dun want anything from this life .. i just wanna see my mother again ..
i swear i dun sleep sometimes because of her ..and when i do,i do very light sleep(2 hours)
i cry in my dreams sometimes,i wake up and my pellow wet because of my tears ...
this pain will never leave me alone ,i believe in this,cause she's dead and i cant let her come back again .
I'm very sad depressed desperate and severely tired
after she died,i became lonely,i dun go out,on my comp lsning to music,im not intersted in anything,i smoke too much .. my friends keep calling me to go out with them,but i always refuse .. always
and i feel nothing is my type anymore,i cant swallow this life anymore,im not intersted in anything out of my room ...(only holidays)
at work .. am very busy and they say am workoholic ...i work 15 hours everyday .
small things can make me cry ... i eat alot ...and when i think too much i start having pain in my stomech,and my knees sometimes.
i cut my self from my family,i dun visit them anymore,i dun call my great father although i love him so much ... i love my brothers too,but i dun talk to anyone anymore ..

am so sorry guys if i botherd ya with this post ..
but i really needed to take out in here ..
thanks

[nightfalls]

:) Hi sick and tired,

I see how much you are hurting from your mothers passing I can understand that loosing your mother must be so painfull espeshally when you realize that you wish you had done more before her passing. I think though that even now you can still try and be that person you wish you were before she passed she wanted to see you happy, suceed, prosper, basically everything every mother wants for her child you can still do this and be that for her even if she is not with you physically. I think you are still morning her passing and that is fine as long as you need to. I think you should talk with someone for help with it too. I am a young mother and I have gone through many depression episodes all I wish in this world is for my childrens happyness whether I'm here or not I wish this for them. I would want them to do everything posible to acheive this it is my everything. I think you should remember your mothers wish for you by doing this. You may not be able to have time go backwards but you can and are still the person I'm sure she dreamed you to be and that in itself would make her happy!:)

Just my thoughts, TAKE CARE

[sick&tired]

forgeting ...
do u think am a young boi? Am 29 years old .. i tried all my ways to forget what happened ,i swear i fixed all my life,i became some1 good ,succesful and a business man .. But am dying slowly in here ...
i dunno how to xplain .. but am lost btw regret and hate of my self

thanks after all

[nightfalls]

Sick and tired,

I am just trying to give you some support. please take care.:)

[ASchwartz]

Dear Sick and Tired,

We are worried about you. Are you a Palestinian who lives in Palestine or elsewhere? I am asking because I need to know how to advise you. Depending on where you live determines the kinds of help that are available. If you live in the United States or Europe, there are many mental health centers, Medical Doctors, Psychiatrists and Hospitals you can go to for help with your depression and hopeless feelings. If you live in the Middle East, I do not know what is available in terms of mental health unless you have a Medical Doctor who can help you. I do not know much about medicine elsewhere.

The point is you need help. You are grieving but to a degree that is not healthy. That means you could be in danger of hurting your self. Suicide is not the way. That is why I am urging you to seek help. When you feel better you can make healthier decisions about your life.

Do you have help available and do you have insurance or the means to pay for help? Do you think about suicide? Please, get help now.

Allan