Can anyone relate to this ????!!!!!!

[Lonely_girl]

Hi..I'm new here and really desperate for emotional support for my situation. I had a knee injury back in August of 2008, tore my ligaments and had surgery in September of 2008. I felt great after my knee surgery, even went shopping the SAME day ! The Dr. encouraged me to walk as much as I could and bear as much weight on my knee as possible, ice and elevate my knee, etc. After following all the instructions, I did really well.

Four days after my knee surgery, I woke up in the middle of the night breaking out in a sweat and the most excruciating pain radiating down my right leg (the surgery was on my left leg). My husband and I thought I had an infection and had a fever so he took me to the ER. All I could was scream from the pain. I actually begged the nurse to cut my right leg off !!! Thats how intense the pain was. I couldn't lay flat, sit still, I was jumping out of my skin. A CT scan showed that I had 3 bulging discs in my back that had fragmented into my sciatic nerve. I was given shots and sent home. Went back 2 days later for the same thing. The Ortho Dr. figured I injured my right side from putting all my weight on that side after my knee injury.

Basically, spent months running back and forth from the Orthopediac Dr. to a Back specialists to a pain management dr. My parents eventually came to stay with me for a month to help with my kids, chores around the house and to take care of me.

All was well until I flew off our porch in December on a huge patch of ice. My husband said he would put salt down and I was leaving one evening and hit all the ice. After another MRI of my knee and meeting with the Ortho Dr. AGAIN...I retore the ligaments and he's not sure that surgery will help me at this point.

Right now, he has me on Naporsyn (sp) for the swelling and pain and told me to take it 3 times a day...whether I have pain or not. I hate that !!! Im NOT a pill person and I feel groggy all the time.

My husband seemed very compassionate at first but now he's never around. I live in michigan and we have had a combination of 16 inches of snow and 20 below temps over the past few weeks. I can't leave the home unattended since I may fall on ice and get more hurt. I'm on crutches and wear a caged knee brace and I do take precaution and plan errands and outings around the weather...and now, around taking my medicine for pain. I dont wanna drive feeling weird.

BAsically, my support system is gone !!!! Ive asked my husband to do little things like make sure there's salt on the porch, ask him to clean off my car so I dont risk falling again. Making sure there's no ice by my car so I dont fall. Ive told him to act like a 90 year old very fragile woman lives here !

He gets soooooo mad when I actually asks the littlest things of him to ensure my safety. Ive asked him to go grocery shopping with me (I cant carry a bunch of groceries in the house.....Im on crutches !)

Anyways....Im severely depressed. I went from a 39 yr old mom on the go.....always involved with our kids....to a helpless person who cant do much outside of the home. I feel worthless and useless and bcuz of my husbands lack of concern, laziness, whatever its called...I actually put an ad in the paper today looking for help while I recover. Someone to help with outside errands, getting our kids to and from school, someone in the house when I shower just in case I fall......someone around when Im doing my strengthing exercises since I have lack of balance right now.

Im furious that I actually have to pay someone to help me and take care of me. Seems like that was part of my wedding vows ? but who knows ?

Im in dire need of support or friendship. I do suffer from depression and take an anti-depressant for that but the events over the past 2/3 months really seem to flare up the depression.

Does anyone relate to this ????

[finding my way]

Welcome lonley girl! Wow, you are really in a rough patch right now! Some people have a tough time being around high anxiety situations for sustained periods and go into a kind of shut down. I'm not excusing your husband, just wondering if he ran out of his ability to cope. Maybe talking openly about what's going on for both of you will give him a chance to express what he's going through with it too. Then hire the helper together? This is a huge challenge, but it will get better. You are both being forced to learn new coping skills!

[paula]

Hi Lonely Girl

Obviously he knows the situation your in! You want to tell him that your glad your not a man, because if so, your life would be a lot easier? If he ask you to explain, then tell him it would be lovely to just get up and do what you want, when you want, and have no worries to worry about?

Tell him you've advertised for help, but when it comes, he will be paying their wages and not you! Because that's what he's there for! I would remind him of his marriage vows and tell him, whatever happened to the caring part of 'IN SICKNESS & HEALTH?'

Do you know that if men had babies, they would only have One! They wouldn't be able to go through the pain again!

Good luck!

[journeyupward]

Hello LonelyGirl, I'm sorry you are going through such a trial! I can relate. I've just come through a life threatening ordeal myself. It's much better now, but will need monitoring for the rest of my life and could flare up again. Initially, my husband reacted like yours. Later, when we decided we could talk about it without arguing, he told me that he felt helpless to help me--he didn't know how to lessen my emotional, mental or physical pain. It ate him up, made him irritable and caused him to withdraw from me in some ways, although he didn't fully realize it. So, now, when I occasionally have some of those bad days and he can't help, I just tell him--"I'm having a hard time, please bear with me today"--he says, "what can I do" and of course there really isn't anything he can do. So I just say, "Just give me a hug, hold me for a minute". It helps him feel he can do something at least to calm me or comfort me a little. And that has made a difference. I also have asked him to sit in with me a few times on my visits with the doctor--he was able to ask questions from his perspective and got answers from my doc that I couldn't have given. Everyone's different, but this worked for us--it's not a perfect solution but has lessened the strain on us. I hope this helps.
I wish you peace and healing,
Journey

[mscat]

Hi Lonelygirl,
I did have two surgries in Nov, and Dec. I was laid up in bed after that especially after the last one. I could not function. AND I'm a single parent. I had my brother doing a lot for us, and even at Christmas time I was not able to be doing much of anything. I feel for you! If it takes hiring an outside person for the extra assistance, then that is ok! Your husband needs to realise that you would be doing all the things you use to do if you could! He needs to be there for you and his family. What if the tables were turned and it was him? You would be there taking care of him as well as the children and home respnsibilties. This is not your fault. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, and it probably feels like you have to on your own. He needs to be more supportive and understanding, not turning away when you need him to be there the most.
The extra help is what you and your family need right now. It is not forever and it is going to help you feel better. PLease do not feel badly about needed the support. Mother's have so much to do always and when they can't we tend to blame ourselves and become depressed.
I wish you a speedy recovery, and to feel better. It is no fun to suffer and feel so much pain. I am sadden by your husbands lack of empathy towards you. He needs to understand that he ought to be there for you when times are bad, not just the easy, good times. I hope you feel better soon!

[ASchwartz]

Hi Lonelygirl,

You really have been through a lot and we all feel for you. It also seems that everyone is sympathetic to your husband. Well, I guess none of us want to judge.

Have you asked your husband if he is angry at you and, if so, why is he angry? Does he blame you for slipping on the ice and reinjuring the knee? Also, have you gotten a second opinion about your knee since you fell? I cannot believe that the knee surgeon would just leave you with the injury with no suggestions for treatments.

When you tell us that you are depressed I couldn't help but wonder to myself whether the depression is due to the reinjury or if you were depressed before?
By the way, what does your husband do to prevent himself from falling on the ice?

I have the strong sense that there is more to your story than you have told us so far. Are you able or willing to tell us more? Also, how many kids do you have, what are their ages and are they helping out?

Allan:)