Is she playing games or hard to get?

[Mrgti989]

I've known that Heather liked me for a long time, but could do nothing
about it because I was involved in another relationship. I would
e-mail and talk to Heather here and there and she would always reciprocate.
I visit her every week because my father is involved with business
with her father. She keeps a magnet on the fridge that has happy faces
expressing various emotions. Her and I have always toyed with the
magnet, moving it to express how our day is going. Last Nov. (2007) I was
helping her with her homework in the library and we were looking for
books, when I got the feeling by her actions that she wanted me to kiss
her. I got that feeling alot that day, but never did anything about it
because I was involved at the time.

I think I have always had feelings for Heather. Recently her friend
Lynn visited her and they went to see some mutal friends. Lynn and
Heather ended up staying in the same motel room together, or so they said.
Later I asked Heather out, but she didn't accept because I was still
attached, but she hinted that she would if I was available. I was
jealous because of Lynn and the rejection did hurt me so I sought revenge and
wrote a nasty e-mail to Heather accusing her of being a lesbian with
Lynn, to prostitution, to dealing drugs and having gambling problems.
She was quite upset because of my e-mail.

I appologized to Heather and told her that I liked her in my appology.
A week later I sent her flowers for Valentines day, the first bouquet
to say sorry, the second to say thanks, and the third for Valentiens
day. A week later I noticed that she kept 3 of the roses although they
were wilted, and had moved the fridge magnet to "Lovestruck".

I was no longer attached and new her birthday was coming up in a month
so planned something for her. I put together a puzzle for her to
follow and solve, which led to my gifts for her. When I first told her
about it, she didn't seem receptive and took a while to respond ot it. She
never got around to finishing it and told me that she really didn't
have time to do it, even though I told her it wouldn't take much time.
Finally I just gave her my gifts of 2 poems I wrote, and an invitation to
dinner and a movie.

She accepted my poetry but rejected my invitation. She also stopped
moving the magnet. I asked her if she felt comfortable with what I did
and she responded "No". She thought I was doing it to be nice for my
nasty e-mail I sent her, and she thought I wasn't over it yet. I told her
that I was in an e-mail I sent her, but she never responded. The last
time I saw her she had completly moved the fridge magnet from the side
of the fridge to the front and placed the emotion on "Mischevious".
I'm not sure what to read from this. Is she teasing me, leading me on,
or just playing with me?

Also, I know that she went out to eat with a male friend for her
birthday. I'm not sure if they went out on other occasions. In the past she
has said that he is her friend, so I'm trying not to be jealous of
this behavior.

Should I continue trying for this girl? I suspected that she had
feelings for me in the past, would she still have feelings for me now after
everything happened? Is she playing games or just hard to get?

[ASchwartz]

Welcome to our community:

I am not sure I understand your story. How do you know this girl likes or liked you? What you give as evidence seems kind of slender to me. Also, by now, she is probably offended by the things you communicated to her.

Can you tell us a little more about your self. It is hard to answer questions when little is known.

Also, what do others think?

Allan :confused:

[Mrgti989]

I don't really have any "concrete" information that she liked me. Just subtle signs such as body language. For example, when in a room, she would cross her legs, but her top leg, knee would always be pointed in my direction. I chaged seating postions in the room, and she would soon follow with pointing her knee or sholder in my direction. When I looked at her in the eyes, she would either glance away quickly or hold my stare for several seconds. Sometimes when I looked at her, she would brush her hand through her hair.

Also, there was always the accidental touching. She would always seem to accidentally touch me or brush against me. I did ask her to lunch one time, which she had no problem with and accepted.

Besides that, I just had that feeling that she did like me. Just from her actions. At dinner she would alway sit across from my spot or close to me, no matter where I sat. I tested this several times by moving around to various places at the table.

She did keep my Valentines Day flowers after they wilted and moved the magnet to "lovestruck". And, lets just say I was sneaky, found out her e-mail password, and saw that she had forwarded the poetry I sent her to an account she uses more often.

I've gotten a varried replies from others. From "forget about her", and "she's not interested" to "she's teasing me" and "playing hard to get".

What other information do you need to know about myself?

I appreciate your response.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Mrgit989,

Well, I don't know what to tell you except to ask a question that may carry the answer:

Do you really want to pursue someone who sends such mixed messages and who leaves you wondering if she is playing games???

Allan:)

[Mrgti989]

Thanks for the answer, I found it very thought provoking. It brings to mind an adage I heard: "There are always more fish in the ocean, not as cute, nor as rich, but fish never-the-less."

Taking your's and other's oppionions into account I think the best thing for me at this time is to give it some time. After some time has passed, maybe a couple of months, then I will ask her out one last time. If she is still acting in the same manner as mentioned above, then I will forget her and move on. If she agrees, then maybe something can happen.

Again thanks for the answer, your opionion is vallued.

[Mrgti989]

...I saw Heather again last weekend, when our families met over dinner. I was late in arriving. Everyone was seated out front on the porch, waiting for me. From around the corner I saw that Heather was just sitting relaxed. When I came into her view, I noticed that she nervously started moving her foot. As I approched, she quickly stood up as if to hide the foot movement. Inside, I took a seat at the table and she kind of hung around the chair directly across from me. After everyone was seated, she choose the neighboring chair next to the one directly across from me.

All signs point to her liking me... I'm trying to ignore it now, but find it difficult. I didn't want to talk to her, but found myself making conversation. I don't think she's playing games; I think she's just scared.

[ASchwartz]

So much of what you describe is based on very flimsy evidence, all of it non verbal and highly speculative. Perhaps you have done this and excuse me if you have but: Why not ask her out for a date? If she says "yes" to you then you know. If she says "no" forget about it and stop engaging in guess work.
What do you think??

Allan

[jennifer]

I know I am not really apart of this conversation, but I can't help myself. You sound like plenty of men that I know....nice men, that look too hard into things. I don't think that she is playing hard to get, I think at one time she enjoyed your company and liked to flirt around a bit, but when it comes to any signs of commitment or even dating, she will scale back because she does not want that from you. She may of liked you, but got scared off and realized that friends are better to be. I can bet that no relationship will come out of this. So, it is better not to put too much time and thought into it because it will only drive you crazy. You may find that if you back off, she will come back, but it still won't be because she wants anything other than a friend from you.

[Mrgti989]

Allan,

Yes I did ask her out, and she did go out with me. I asked her again about two weeks later and she said she was busy. I waited a few weeks and asked her again; again she was busy. About 3 months later I asked her out and she agreed to it. We went out a couple of times and things always seem great when I'm with her. She's always smiling and laughing... But the last time I asked her out, for her birthday she just told me "no"... But she had no problem accepting the poetry I wrote for her and told me that she liked it and it was good.

[Mrgti989]

Jennifer,

Thank you for your opinion on this matter. A second pair of eyes never hurts. I understand what your saying, that she wants nothing more than a friendship. I've tried to just be friends with her and she backs away from that too. I've tried to just talk to her like a friend and she will only give me a little bit in return.

When I took her out to dinner, she opened up and talked alot, about everything and both of us had a really good time. (she was laughing and smiling throughout the evening). And she was always fiddling with my arm's, shirt sleeves and buttons. She would accidently, gently kick my legs from time to time under the table. I wanted to kiss her, and felt she wanted it too, but didn't do it because it was a first date. After that she was too busy to go out with me a second time until approx. 3 months later.

The second time was about the same as the first, we both had a good time, and she was touching me, and leaning into me when I was talking to her but that's it for intimancy. Due to my schedule, I couldn't ask her out for about a month, and she did go with me again a month or so later. I've been on a couple of dates with her, but when I recently asked her, for her Birthday, she flatly said "no". But accepted the 2 poems I wrote for her birthday.

To me, this is mixed signals. But you do bring up a point that she could be flirting. What do you think?

[ASchwartz]

Mrgti989 and Jennifer,

Everyone is part of the conversation. Jennifer, there is no reason why you should not post here and everywhere and, I want to point out that Mrgti989 was really helped by your comments.

Please, you and everyone, Keep Posting: Everyone is Welcome:)

Allan:)

[nightfalls]

Hi Mrgit989

Just a small comment on your situation, I just wanted to say that sometimes if things are meant to be they WILL just be, all in time.. Maybe your paths have not yet connected in the right place at the right moment. Maybe it is not meant to be? Who knows.. but mabe take peace and know if it is meant to be then it will...:)

I hope for you that this will become a real reality...take care:)

[jennifer]

Hey!
I still think that it is harmless flirting for her, and that she is sensing that you are believing that it is more. I, myself, use to flirt with a co-worker of mine and I am in a long-term relationship. I really liked him because I had someone who seemed truly interested in my life and work became fun to go to. And we would hang out once and awhile, for I enjoyed his company. He must of gotten the wrong idea, for he came on to me one time and I ended up confused(and he probally did too!) I had to stop hanging out with him, for I did not like him like that, and I did not want to hurt his feelings, for I did not think it was anything more than it was. I still call and write him once and awile, for I truly care about him and I wish it could be different, but he seems sensitive and that is where you are right, for if you try to take it further than it should be, than it is going to upset everything...including yourself! There will be another person out there who will like you back without trying so hard. Talk to you soon.

[Mrgti989]

Jennifer,

Let's assume that you're right, that she is just flirting with me and I have read too much into it. If this is the case, then what do I do? I'd rather know her as a friend rather than her flirting with me. If it is flirting, then it does irritate me, perhaps because she's not giving me direct signs or communicating with me exactly what's on her mind.

Sometimes I like to flirt back, but it never really goes anywhere and she has told me in the past that she don't like guys who flirt. So is this not a little hypocritical if she does it and doesn't expect me to do it too?

[Mrgti989]

Forgetting,

I appreciate your comments, but I don't agree with your opinions.
Your opinions state that "if it is meant to be, then it will happen". Unfortunately this sounds like destiny and I don't believe in destiny. You may not exactly be talking about destiny, but this is how I took it, and I appologize if I took it the wrong way.

For those of you who believe in destiny, I recall one quote which I'm not quite sure of the source, but it goes like this: "Why do people who believe in destiny refuse to cross busy roads in the middle of the day blindfolded?" Ironic, isn't it?

[Mrgti989]

Alan, Jennifer,

I didn't mean to hide behind a false moniker, I had just created the "Mrgti989" nomenclature as an e-mail identity and was too lazy to type in my real name on this site. If this has cause anyone any inconvience, I sincerly appologize. From now on, if you wish, please call me "Martin", but Mrgti989 works as well. Thanks.

BTW. As to the orgin of my moniker, Mr is because I'm male. GTI because I like working on my Volkswagen GTI car. and 989 is from chinese numerology.
9 = Longivity, or long in time. 8 = sudden fortune, or prosperity, then 9 again.

Add all of the numbers together to obtain 26. (9+8+9=26) Then add the 2 and 6 together to obtain another 8. So the number actually repeats itself. 989 then 8.

[jennifer]

Martin,
She may not be realizing that what she is doing is flirting,that just might be who she is as a person. And I believe it will not be easy to just be friends with her because you have already took that to another level. You just cannot forget that you started having feelings towards her. And she will not feel totally comfortable with you, knowing that you like her. Please, don't scare her off. Let her be and if she wants your friendship and you truly think that you can handle that, than there is no harm in trying. Flirting is a natural thing to every human being out there, or nobody would get together. I think she is giving you hints about where you stand in her life. As for the destiny thing, dealing with relationships, nothing can be forced, that is up to nature itself, or the two people involved. Sometimes it has to do with timing or situations in life, but someone here does not seem serious about a relationship and has not stated that she was.

[Mrgti989]

Jennifer,

I appreciate your opinions, but I don't think that she is just flirting. Just because there was a similar incident in your life doesn't necessarily make it true for my situation. I understand what your saying and I have been around women who were just flirting with me, but did not take it for more than what it was in the past. I honestly believe that she has something more for me. I just think that she’s afraid of a commitment. I can’t pinpoint it; I can’t give you any concrete proof...I can only give you what my intuition is telling me. I’m aware that intuition is not the best evidence to rely on, but I’ve relied on it in the past, and have yet to be wrong.

As for my statements on destiny: I’m aware that I brought it up…but I don’t think this is the place to debate about such intangibles as it would be getting off the original subject. If you would like to continue debating about destiny, then I would be happy to do so at another forum.

[jennifer]

I actually prefer not to discuss anything with you at all.I don't understand what you are doing on here at all,for you are not trying to take anyone's advice or give any either. I wish that girl all the best!

[ASchwartz]

Hi Martin and Jennifer,

Martin, I love the way you came up with that moniker. Very creative. :)
Jennifer, you "sound" angry with Martin. Very often people do not take advice and that's OK. No one has to take adice. None of know Martin, or each other, so that it is not personal when someone does not accept or agree with what is being said. It's important that we all try to be patient with one another.

Martin and Jennifer and everyone else, we are just trying to help but in trying to help all we can do is make guesses, give opinions and show compassion. Like the old Indian saying, "walk a mile in my moccasins before you think you know me." Actually, that is a very rough paraphrase.

Support is support, even when someone disagrees, it is still support.

Allan:)

[jennifer]

I am not upset with him because I don't even know him, and truthfully I get weird vibes thinking about it. I only posted him back for he asked the advice and the point is that it feels he just wants to hear that she likes him. If everyone was totally truthful, there is nothing in his statements that show that she cares more about him than a friend, and I am starting to think he probally weirds her out too. I am following my guts on this one, and want nothing to do with giving any compassion or advice where it does not belong. There is a third party to this situation and no one knows her feelings and telling him to go for it, might not be a good thing. He does not have to take my advice, because I never expected him to,he was being rude after not liking what i had to say,and he still tried to carry on...I don't want to and I will not.

[Mrgti989]

Alan,

I’m not sure if Jennifer will be willing to rejoin the discussion. She did bring up a few good points and I was wondering, from your perspective, if you agree or disagree with her advice?

Basically, Jennifer was telling me that Heather (the girl I’m interested in) is just flirting or only willing to be friends at most.

I did not agree with the friend’s concept due to the fact that in the past I attempted to be friends with Heather, and she never reciprocated as one would expect a friend should.

If she’s flirting with me, then I believe that I would have caught on to this sooner. I do have other female friends; some of whom flirt with me, so I would suspect that I would catch the signs that she was just flirting earlier on.

Thanks for your opinion.

[Mrgti989]

Jennifer,

I'm kind of surprised that you returned Alan’s comment after your previous tirade. I really do appreciate your opinion. And it is nice to get a female's perspective on my situation.

I have read your posts and understand your point of view. I admit that part of what you say could be right, about just wanting to be friends, or flirting...

Unfortunately the world is not just black and white and there are many factors to consider in this and any case. You may be partially right, and I may be partially right. I’m willing to listen to your opinion, but if I don’t agree with your perspective, I see no reason for getting mad.

I hope that you return to this discussion, and I am open to talk to you about these matters if you so choose.

[nightfalls]

hi martin,

Alot of this conversation is speculation and reading into posibilities that may or may not actually be there. It is like shaking a magical 8 ball to see if the answer to your question is "yes";)(I'm just trying to lighten this up a bit)

Either way Martin the best and really the only way to get a real straight up answer to this is to talk to her directly. Ask her for your own peace of mind weather she either:
1- Likes you
2- Doesn't like you

you can carry on if you like, but I think that this direct question is best answered by her...take care

[Mrgti989]

Forgetting,

I'm aware that this situation has a lot of speculation and innuendo. Thanks for trying to lighten things up a bit. I think the "yes" is about worn off of my magic 8 ball.

As for your other suggestion; about eight to ten months ago I did try to ask her if she liked me or not. She responded in an ambiguous manner. I tried to pin her down to an exact "yes" or "no" but she kept being unclear. I asked her if she liked me and she responded by asking me out to dinner. After that, I asked for a second date, but she was busy... It's been these on and off signals from time to time that's so confusing for me.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I will let it cool down for a couple of weeks, then ask her out a last time. If she doesn't respond, then I'll have to forget about it and move on as I am wasting my time with this. I think that I will also ask her once again if she likes me and see how she responds.

[Mrgti989]

I found out some new information about Heather (the girl I'm intrested in) last night. Heather was and still is married. Although she no longer lives with what should be her former husband, she is not legally seperated from him.

I accidently found this information out from her brother. So it seems that Heather probably does have intrest in me, just that she would feel immoral to go against her marriage for whatever type of marriage it is. Thus the reason for all of the ambiguity on her part. I just don't understand why Heather would not have told me this in the first place. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.

So as I see it, I now have two choices. Either wait until the marriage is annuled, or hope that something could be there, someday, and move on.

Thanks for all of your opinions. I appreciate your helping attitudes.

Martin.

[nightfalls]

That information makes sence, I am glad for you that it will help to clear up some of your questions. take care

[kaudio]

I agree that Martin seems to be going on flimsy evidence. Now that you know more of her background doesn't necessarily confirm any of her feelings about you. As I understand, you've been on a few dates, but you really need to take the opportunity to clear up your own message while you're still seeing her.

You noted that you sensed her unease about commitments, so just focus on being a great friend and offer her your support without any commitments or strings attached. Enjoy her company, let her know you're willing to support her whenever she needs it, and just listen to her without worrying about friendship or relationship status. When you're worried about things like status then you bring in pressure that doesn't need to be there. With time, if you feel she is ready to look for a relationship, tell her how you feel when in her company and ask her how she feels.

In the same way you can use your intuition to draw conclusions, so can everyone else. So don't forget to listen to the people around you and your mutual acquaintances.

It takes two or more to play games and hard to get :D If you don't like it, make yourself readily available, someone she can talk to.