Add your one-liner here

[2002to2009]

I'll start out with an especially nerdy one:

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[John Rutledge]

deleted.....

[paula]

Ability is what you're capable of doing...
Motivation determines what you do...
Attitude determines how well you do it.

Sorry guy's that's three I know, but as you can understand I couldn't split it?

[kaudio]

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

[paula]

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

[paula]

A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless.

[malign]

Okay, keep in mind that I'm very distracted lately, and that I'm making this up on the spot:

A bird in the hand will peck you a lot worse than two in the bush.

[paula]

What is that malign! Who are you trying to kid! Ha Ha!



How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

[John Rutledge]

deleted ....

[paula]

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[paula]

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

A children's catechism class was learning the Apostles Creed.
Each child had been assigned a sentence to repeat.
The first one said, "I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth."
The second child said, "I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son.
"When he had completed his sentence, there was an embarrassing silence.
Finally, one child piped up, "Teacher, the boy who believes in the Holy Spirit isn't here."

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

[paula]

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

[paula]

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

[John Rutledge]

deleted ....

[paula]

Ahhhhhh! Well you know what a thought is, don't you?

[mscat]

"No matter how little money & how few possessions, you own, having a dog makes you rich."

I had been a Preschool teacher over 20 years, so here are some of my favorites Quotes.

"Sacrifice is the price of gain"

"Be one with your students only in truth"

"To see yourself in a different light, look through someone else's eyes"

"knowledge is never a substitue for experience"

"Before you act, ask, What do I know?"

"There are teachers and then there is everyone else"

"The first time you feed a wild animal it will run away"

[malign]

"No matter how little money & how few possessions, you own, having a dog makes you rich."

No matter how much money & how many possessions, you own, having fleas makes you itch. :-)

[John Rutledge]

deleted....

[Catmom]

Leadership!

Ambition!

Success!

Be the first lemming to hit the water. :eek:


Catmom

[paula]

Utility is when you have one telephone,
luxury is when you have two,
and paradise is when you have none.

If love was a raindrop I would send you a shower
If hope was a minute I would send you an hour
If happiness was a leaf I would send you a tree
If you need a friend you will always have me!

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

Opportunity is a bald man with a beard: You can catch him coming, but you can' t catch him going.

People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used.

A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless.

[mscat]

no matter how much money & how many possessions, you own, having fleas makes you itch. :-)


:) :) lmao !

[mscat]

"The average dog is nicer then the average person"

"If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either"

"the more people I meet the more I like my dog" :)

"When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long"

"I think dogs are the amazing creatures, they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive."

"The err is human: to forgive, Canine"

[2002to2009]

You guys are hillarious. Seriously.

[2002to2009]

Ahem...

"There once was a young man from Newcastle,
who tied up a turd in a parcel.
He sent it to Spain
with a note to explain
that it came from his grandmother's arsensal."

Hey, if you guys can break the one-liner rule, then so can I. Hee. :-)

[paula]

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''
The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?''

Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention!


The Englishman says, ''I've got ten children, one more and I'll have a football team.''
The American says, ''I've got fourteen children, one more and I'll have a rugby team.'' The Arabian says, ''I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course.''

[FlowFreak]

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

[paula]

People who say they are perfect have already proven themselves wrong.


Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.
She changes it more often.

The truth is out there.
Anyone know the URL?

Psychotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.


Our planet is the mental institution for the universe.

[finding my way]

I am finally back after suffering MAJOR computer issues. There has got to be some comic relief about computers somewhere out there!!!

[paula]

Hi Finding my way & welcome back yet again!

If you look through my post, you will see that I have included some one liners on computers. Have a ganders and tell me what you think?

Sorry Finding my way (GANDERS) means a look in English slang!

[finding my way]

Thanks Paula, the one on WINDOWS did it for me!!!:D

[2002to2009]

Ever wonder why gorillas have big nostrils?

It's because they have big fingers.

[paula]

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[2002to2009]

Cute.

How do you leave the art museum?

You step on Degas to make the Van Gough.

[Just Me]

I'm lost, I've gone to go look for myself, if I should come back before I return, please ask me to wait.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

A portion of some Meatloaf lyrics:

No one said it had to be real, but it's got to be something you can reach out and feel.

[malign]

Couple of bumper stickers seen lately:

"Caution: this van driven by a blind guy" on the back of what turned out to be a commercial van for an installer of window shades and blinds.

"Wag more. Bark less."

[John Rutledge]

deleted....

[paula]

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''
The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?''

[smallstar]

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

[malign]

Mine says "Ouch", but it comes out more like "Glub".

[karai]

Hi everyone,
I got some really good ones someone sent me thro' the email:
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences...He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
4. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
7. I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.
8. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
9. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
10. Procrastinate Now!
11. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?
12. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
13. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
14. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
15. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...are the ones who got you
mad in the first place...
16. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
17. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Have a good evening...

[finding my way]

Those are great!!!!:D

[karai]

Hi finding my way,
I got more....!

A Plausible Explanation?

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."


Ice Cream
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."


Psych Quiz

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Hope you enjoyed these too...

[finding my way]

ha ha! There's truth in it all :)

[Amanda]

When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[karai]

Hi Amanda,
That was funny. Didn't expect that punch line!
Here's one for the gals. Sorry guys, at your expense but too funny not to share....

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men...men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit (pardon my French) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[paula]

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.."
The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.
We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

[karai]

Hi Paula,
That dog/cat joke is funny--describes my cat very well--queen of the house!

Anyway, here is another one--sorry again, guys......

MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: from a women’s perspective

Why Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[malign]

Not bad. :-)

The answer to which way to turn a nut is "Righty-tighty, lefty-loosy". No, it's not innate.

And a fair number of these are y'all's fault, not ours. :-P

[karai]

Hi malign,
Thanks for the nutty instructions. I will try it. Coming from you it should work!
You always make me laugh, so, just for you, I will find some women-bashing jokes just to be fair-- not that they are easy to find!
But, wait--one more male-bashing joke....

Did you know that many problems women experience start with men?
MENopause, MENstruation and MENtal illness!!!

[karai]

Okay malign,
I got the woman bashing joke as promised!...

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading….
… … … … … …

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

[malign]

Thanks for the equal time, Kara. :-)

The instructions for which way to turn a nut sounded nutty to me, too, when I first heard them from an old guy when I was in my twenties (I was anything but mechanical.) As long as you agree that turning to the "right" is clockwise, it's all good ...

This is why, when I worked with hardware engineers, they wouldn't let me have a screwdriver.

[karai]

Hi malign,
You're welcome--it's only fair...and regarding clockwise/right, I get confused with light bulbs! But, talking about old guys....

50 Bucks

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up and into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”

This is another one for equal time!

[malign]

First line from a recent news article:

"Wealth, fame and good looks may be a formula for anxiety rather than happiness, a new study suggests."

I knew I was feeling anxious for a reason! I must be too rich and good-looking.

(Almost posted this to the Anxiety forum.)

[karai]

Hey malign,
Too funny! So you must be that handsome rich guy who bites his nails a lot?!
Anyway, another joke(r) from the internet:

Cheap Husband

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

[karai]

Okay, more jokes cause I really need them today! Enjoy!

the Fight!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started...

[John Rutledge]

deleted....

[paula]

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
************************************************** **********

Jim says, ''My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason.''
Steve says, ''Why's that?''
Jim says, ''Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.''
************************************************** **********

A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
************************************************** **********

One of my friend has named his 3 kids NC, MC and ABC!
I asked why, he said: 1st Natural Curiosity, 2nd Mutual Consent and 3rd Absolute Bloody Carelessness.
************************************************** **********

A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied.
What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman?
No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.
************************************************** **********

A blonde, suffering from sore throat, goes to see the doctor. He asks her to sit down.
He gets out his torch and says, ''Open wide.''
''I can't, the chair's fitted with arms.''
************************************************** **********

Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.
************************************************** **********

Two flowers:
I love you, darling!!!
I love you, too!!!
I want you so much!!! Where the f**k are those darned bees?
************************************************** **********

A lady goes to a dentist,she sits on the chair and starts taking off her clothes.
Dentist: Err..mam I'm not a gynecologist.
Lady, I know, I just want you to remove my husband's dentures.
************************************************** **********

lase class is told to draw a woman's reproductive system.Onegirl is so shy she's facing down.
A boy YELLS, ''Sir,she's copying from the originals.
************************************************** **********

The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse.
''Excuse me,'' said the doctor, ''but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?''
''I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.''
************************************************** **********

Son: What's the defference between Love, relief and belief ?
Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I'm your Dad- well that's my belief.
************************************************** **********

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, ''Where do babies come from?''
Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, ''From the stork of course!''
The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, ''But mom, who f**ks the stork?''
************************************************** **********

[JulianP]

.............

[SweetSue]

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I went to the bank to borrow a cup of money, they said what for ?, i said i want to buy some sugar.

The best way to realise your dreams, is to wake up.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel, then i will let you have the pen.

Every so often i like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satelite picture.

The obscure we see eventually, the completly apparent takes a little longer.

On the other hand .............. you have different fingers.

Take care
Jj
:);):p:o

[John Rutledge]

deleted.....

[SweetSue]

Curiosity killed the cat ........... but for a while i was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it ?

When i get real bored, i like to drive into town and get a great parking spot, then i sit in my car, and count how many people ask me to leave.

Right now im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, i think i've forgotten this before......

Take care
Jj

[OCDmom]

Only at the precipice do we evolve.

From "The Day The Earth Stood Still"

[Donna]

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple

Dr Seuss.

[SweetSue]

Some days your the bug....... Some days your the windscreen.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something that you dont get until after you need it.

Always remember you are unique, just like everybody else.

[karuna]

You can't prevent what you can't predict.

[SweetSue]

Your just jealous coz the voices only talk to me.

Dont take life too seriously .............. you wont get out alive.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Im not a complete idiot ........ some parts are missing.

If at first you succeed ........ try not to look astonished.

Hard work has a future pay off , lazyness pays off now.

[OnlyHuman]

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[SweetSue]

Born free....... Taxed to death

[karuna]

Someone asked me if I knew I had 6 months to live, what would I do? I said I'd move in with my mother-in-law. It would be the longest 6 months of my life.

[SweetSue]

A conclusion, is somewhere you end up, when tired of thinking.

[SweetSue]

If at first you dont succeed ~ Destroy all evidence, that you tried

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

[Jutias]

>> >>> That's When the Fight Started
>> >>>
>> My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were
>> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she
>> answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said,
>> "....Then I'd like to phone a friend...." And that's when the fight
>> started....

[Jutias]

>> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
>> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>> And that's when the fight started....

[Jutias]

>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
>> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
>> the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
>> was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
>> radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
>> into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled
>> up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
>> 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied,
>> 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's
>> when the fight started ...



More Later Iffin you want



Mike

[Jutias]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>>>
>>> Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
>>> In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
>>> If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..
>>>
>>>
>>> So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money
>>>


Couldn't resist one more


Mike

[John Rutledge]

deleted...

[SweetSue]

Always try to be modest, and proud of it.

[Jetliner]

Got this one from a movie and I just love it!

Guy said this in response to someone saying she was a vegetarian:

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, He shouldn't have made'em outta meat!"

Sorry but, that just kills me! :)

[Nicolec]

> An elderly gentleman....
> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
> and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
> allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
> said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
> you can hear again.'
> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
>
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
> three times!'
> _____
>
> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
> under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
> now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
> do you feel?'
> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
>
> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'
> _____
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
> the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
> new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very
> highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
> that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
>
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
> and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
> night?'
> _____
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
> However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
> already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
> insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
> the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
> out of her hospital gown.'
> _____
>
> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
> they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
> asks.
> 'No, I can remember it..'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
> down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
> strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
> down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
> cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
> She stares at the plate for a moment.
>
> 'Where's my toast ?'
> _____
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>
> 'Because she can still drive!'
> _____
>
> Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
> _____
>
> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
> me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
>
> 'Twelve thirty..'
> _____
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
> gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
> really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
> cheerful.''
>
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
> be careful.'
> _____
>
>
> One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he
> ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Nicolec]

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

[Jetliner]

Ummm... title of this thread is, "Add your one-liner here," not one HUNDRED! :p Hehehe!!!

Just bustin' ya Nicole! VERY funny! ;)

[Nicolec]

Just try arresting me from thousands of miles away!

You'll never find me! (kehehe!)

[Nicolec]

Just thought I'd add another 'one-liner (50 liner!)'

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Macdonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.



2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St..Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp..

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr.. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.



7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!

:D:D:D:D

[Jutias]

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

[Jutias]

Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture.

How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for French fries.

How did the blonde die drinking milk...the cow stepped on her.

Sorry.......my wife is blond so its ok....I guess....well maybe not

Mike

[Jutias]

Two old men decide they are close to

their last days and decide to have a
last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the
local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two
old geezers and whispers to her manager,
'go up to the first two bedrooms and put
an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not
wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?' 'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[malign]

Definition of technologically challenged:
Thinks "peer-to-peer networking" is two guys chatting at the urinals.

[lacyjay87]

Definition of technologically challenged:
Thinks "peer-to-peer networking" is two guys chatting at the urinals.

This made me crack up LOL!!!

[Amanda]

Two men walked into a bar the third one ducked. (I now hang my head in shame for telling a joke that's totally lame)

[malign]

Yet the unintended rhyme was completely sublime.

[John Rutledge]

In a British House of Commons Committe yesterday, discussing possible questions to be included in the next UK census, the issue as to whether a question should be included as to the sexual orientation of respendents. A Conservative Member of Parliament objected - "Should gay people not be left with their own privacy ? I, certainly would expect that, should I ask a person's doctor what their sexual orientation might be, I would be told to bugger off - sorry, I should have been said, would have been told to go away ...".

Er ... he certainly meant well ...

Best regards,

[Jetliner]

yet the unintended rhyme was completely sublime.

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SweetSue]

Courage isnt always a loud roar, sometimes its a small voice at the end of the day that whispers, I will try again tomorrow :)

[danni]

Ok...so this is a series of one liners :) A co-worker sent it to me this morning after we finished "the meeting from HELL..." I laughed right out loud while sitting alone in my office.



Random Thoughts of the Day:

1) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3) There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

4) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6) MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

8) Bad decisions make good stories

9) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

10) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

11) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

12) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

13) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

14) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

[Jetliner]

Courage isnt always a loud roar, sometimes its a small voice at the end of the day that whispers, I will try again tomorrow :)

HEY!!! You stole that from, "OnlyHuman's" signature! Hehehe!!!

Just bustin ya Sue. ;)

[SweetSue]

Didnt know it was someones signature (ooops) guess it shows how observant I am :D

[Ilook@allthelonelypeople]

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the dog

[Ilook@allthelonelypeople]

...And one more hopelessly moronic one before I go get horizontal:


What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.


:D

[malign]

You mean it's not Sammy the Invisible Carrot? :-(

[genesis]

*Giggle*... Ah-hem...

*I have a firm grasp on reality, now I can strangle it.

*That's enough to make a maggot gag. (Seriously, somebody says that -- often these days)

*Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans - John Lennon (I think, not 100 percent sure)

*Your plan B better be da** good 'cause my plan A got us into this mess.

*You just keep on trying until you run out of cake.

*I took the path less travelled, now I don't know where the he** I am.

*Dyslexic Satan worshippers sell their souls to Santa.

*Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

[LostSouls]

•"To each is to own."
•"The motivations we buy into, some people can rationalize anything."
•"Our expectations influence our perceptions, and we look for evidence that confirms our beliefs."
•"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
•"Concern should drive us into action, not into a depression."
•"Thinking is an experimental dealing with small quantities of energy, just as a general moves miniature figures over a map before setting his troops in action."
•"The poor ego has a still harder time of it; it has to serve three harsh masters, and it has to do its best to reconcile the claims and demands of all three...The three tyrants are the external world, the superego, and the id."
•"The ego is not master in its own house."
•"One might compare the relation of the ego to the id with that between a rider and his horse. The horse provides the locomotor energy, and the rider has the prerogative of determining the goal and of guiding the movements of his powerful mount towards it. But all too often in the relations between the ego and the id we find a picture of the less ideal situation in which the rider is obliged to guide his horse in the direction in which it itself wants to go."
•"Where id is, there shall ego be."
•"No one who, like me, conjures up the most evil of those half-tamed demons that inhabit the human breast, and seeks to wrestle with them, can expect to come through the struggle unscathed."
•"Self-belief does not necessarily ensure success, but self-disbelief assuredly spawns failure."
•"By sticking it out through tough times, people emerge from adversity with a stronger sense of efficacy."
•"Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune."
•"How to gain, how to keep, how to recover happiness is in fact for most men at all times the secret motive of all they do, and of all they are willing to endure."
•"There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true Self."
•"We are all ready to be savage in some cause. The difference between a good man and a bad one is the choice of the cause."
•"Truth in our ideas means their power to work."
•"Truth happens to an idea." (1907)
•"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change."
•"In my early professionals years I was asking the question: How can "I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?"

[Timothy]

Dyslexic Agnostic
There is really a DOG?

[curtailed]

I think, therefore I am... I think

[Bluerose]

Demand less and understand more.

Talk less and listen more.

[Jetliner]

Just had this forwarded in an email - love it!

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

{And now for the one-liner}

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

:p

[Bluerose]

Cultivate positive thinking, forgiveness, and an attutude of gratitude and the suffering will simply fade away. It's not what we are dealing with that causes us to suffer, it's how we deal with it. Pain is enevatable, suffering is optional. And when you let go of suffering the pain also fades away.

[samspruce]

It's the early worm that gets caught!

[katleen]

"Life no malfunction." Johnny Five from "Short Circuit"

[Jetliner]

LOL! "No disassemble!!!" Hehehe!!!

Okay, this is for the musically inclined. Everyone else will think I'm just weird. Well, everyone probably will anyway but... ;)

So I was just driving home with my little girl and she said something to me. When I responded, I actually thought, "Yikes! My voice sounds so dry! Better dial in some reverb!" :p

Well, it was funny for me. Hehehe!!!

[ASchwartz]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb??

Just one...

But, it's gotta want to change.....

(Pretty dumb, huh)? :D

[confuzzed]

Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

(no offense to anyone who loves chickens - or kids!!):p

[ThePetPerson]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb??

Just one...

But, it's gotta want to change.....

(Pretty dumb, huh)? :D

I love that! I actually laughed! It reminds me of the how many forum members does it change to take a lightbulb joke :P