Welcome Lost in Canada

[lost in canada]

Hi all im a 45 year old woman from canada. I guess the real reason i am here is so i dont feel like im alone in the way i think or feel these days. I think from as far as i can remember i have always been a worry rat and easily depressed over the slighest thing. Yet in the past few years it has seemed to elevate. I have been with the same man now for almost 6 years, and along with driving myself crazy i can see how i am doing the same to him. In the first year of our relationship we had so many ups and downs, he disrespected me with his ex, and although i did forgive him, im not sure as hard as i try that i can ever forget. We moved away from where we used to live to a differnt province and began a new start. We have times that everything is as it should be. But for me im always thinking negative thoughts about him and our relationship. I try and analyze everything to death, sometimes the stupidest of things. I know that his patience with my mood swings are getting to a point where one day he may not stay. Its wierd because when im pissed or mad at him, i act as proud as can be, dont need him at all, and then when he goes away to work for the week, im totally lost without him. I drive him nuts wanting to talk all the time about us our future, when im feeling depressed, i try and analyze why the relationship doesnt feel right. I know that he has changed 100% over the past few years. And i truly believe him when he says that he loves me, yet it seems that in my own worthlessness i find reasons not to believe him. One minute im happy as hell and drop of a pin, im depressed and moody. I try to fight these feelings but its like my mind and body have already defied me. There is so much more, yet i feel as though i have rambled on too much already. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. I know that i probably have bi-polar, and have been awaiting to get a family doctor where i live now for almost 4 years. There is nothing else to do but wait for one...sincerely...lost in canada

[Proverbs31:28]

Hi, Lost, and welcome to our community. I am not a professional and can't comment as to diagnosis or treatment, but I definitely can assure you that you are not alone! I too worry over everything and am easily prone to depressive episodes. Can I ask why it takes so long to get into a doctor? I thought 3-4 months was a long wait- I can't imagine 4 years!!! :eek: I think a doctor is the best first step for you. I don't have any personal experience wit bipolard disorder but there are plenty of others here who do who may be more helpful to you. In the meantime, please know you have found a welcome spot to share and commune with others in like circumstances.

[paula]

Hi Lost & welcome to our Community

In the first year of our relationship we had so many ups and downs, he disrespected me with his ex, and although i did forgive him, im not sure as hard as i try that i can ever forget.

I obviously think this is playing on your mind! Fair enough, you forgive him but no one can expect you to forget! You've been hurt by the one person that you least likely expected to get hurt off! This has rocked your trust with him.

Another thing that is playing on your mind is the question WHY? You'll never find the true answer to that, but don't be hard on yourself! Now, he will have to earn your trust which is going to take time.

Another thing that will be playing on your mind is "WILL HE DO IT AGAIN?" That I'm afraid, you will never know!

I know that i probably have bi-polar,

Why do you think that you have Bipolar? I have Bipolar & to me you could be suffering these symptoms because of what you've been through and still going through! Bipolar doesn't just come on & for your sake, I hope you haven't got Bipolar! Only a qualified Professional like a Psychiatrist could diagnose you.

[mscat]

Hi there and welcome to our community. Seems like you are going through quite a lot right now, and that must be so difficult.
Maybe, couple counseling would help your relationship with you husband. Also individual counseling is a way to express how a person feels and obtain support, advice , and feedback.
You wrote that you been waiting to see A Doctor. LIke a Psychatrist? There are therapists that are wonderful , and it may be easier to get in faster talking to a professional therapist. THen he can reccomend , if necessary a Psychatrist.
I say this because , for me , THe Psych doctor I see is for Medications, then The therapist is the one who does counseling. That is how it works where I go. ANd they are in the same building.
Perhaps your suspecting you might or feel like it is Bi-Polar , however it could be from all the mood changes and feeling of being on A "roller coaster" there is a a couple different forms of Bi-Polar, however ony a Professional can correctly diagnose the individual.
In the mean time continue to post here and we will try and be supportive , and helpful. :)

[lost in canada]

My warmest gratitude for the replies and advice from all of you that have posted on my behalf. Im not sure if it is bi-polar, or if i have some type of other depression symptons. I do know that i have deep trust issues with my fiance, and maybe it is the way that things get turned around that makes me feel it is my fault for still having a hard time in trusting him. I have a very hard time trying to tell him how i feel, becuase he feels i should be over it, and it generally starts a fight. I know that i bring up some of the same stuff over and over, and that it is probably to do with my own self-worth. *these days i dont seem to have any, and i hate myself for that*. But it just seems i can go for a couple of months where everything is fine and nothing seems to bug me, and then the complete opposite. Im depressed, feel life is not worth it and it shows at home, work , with friends, etc. The funny thing is that when im feeling like that, i honestly to recognize it, yet it is almost like as much as i try to say it will pass be positive, it doesnt. I am having a hard time getting a doctor here, i have been on a waiting list for a few years now trying to get a family doctor. All in all , i just wanna find out if i am making myself crazy with all these negative thoughts or is it medical and i need help for it. I hate feeling the way i do, *LOST*, on a daily basis.....again....thank you so much for the words and and compassion. I am happy that i have found people that i can talk to where i dont feel ashamed nor alone in.....sincerely lost in canada

[paula]

Hi Lost

Im depressed, feel life is not worth it and it shows at home, work , with friends, etc. The funny thing is that when im feeling like that, i honestly to recognize it, yet it is almost like as much as i try to say it will pass be positive, it doesnt. I am having a hard time getting a doctor here, i have been on a waiting list for a few years now trying to get a family doctor. All in all , i just wanna find out if i am making myself crazy with all these negative thoughts or is it medical and i need help for it. I hate feeling the way i do, *LOST*, on a daily basis.....again....thank you so much for the words and and compassion. I am happy that i have found people that i can talk to where i dont feel ashamed nor alone in.....sincerely lost in canada

I understand just how you feel! You feel like your fighting a losing battle!

I went to see my Therapist today and I said exactly the same thing to her! It must be so very hard for you. At least I have my GP, Therapist & Psychiatrist to talk to, you have no-one!

I explained to my Therapist that I constantly have these negative thoughts! I told her that no sooner that something goes right, then I get knocked right back again with some bad news!

I also told her that I am not hearing noises, but... Am seeing things & also feeling things! She asked how long this has been going on & I told her about 10 months. She asked why I didn't say anything sooner & I told her exactly what you said, "Because I didn't want people to think that I was loosing it? Going crazy!"

Sorry will have to leave it there as somethings come up. But if you want to carry on with this post then I will gladly try and help you with the help that I'm getting.

[lost in canada]

Of course Paula i appreciate any help advice, words of encourement anything at this point. It`s scary when you dont understand yourself, and listening to others helps to realize that im not as alone as i thought i really was. I have many people, family, fiance, friends, etc, that i know love me dearly and think im one of the most upbeat people they know, and i know right now they are finding it hard sometimes to see me in the moods im in. But i dont say too much to people of somthing that i yet dont understand myself....again thank you and to each of you that have responded...warmest thoughts of great gratitude....sincerely...lost in canada

[kaudio]

Hi lost, welcome to the community. Have you considered dialing 211 for the social services directory of your area? The people there can direct you to counseling and may be able to give you some options for couples counseling.

Also, while you may need to be placed on a wait list for a family doctor, can you see a doctor for a referral?

[paula]

Hi Lost, sorry for the delay in getting back!

Where was we... Over here in the UK we have Drop in Center's. These drop in center's are open when your Doctors Surgery are closed. For instance, evenings, w/ends. Basically, if you are in need of medical attention, but you don't think that it's an Emergency or needs seeing in an hospital, then you would go and visit them. Do they not have anything like that where you are?

What would happen if you became ill? How would you be treated without a doctor? You couldn't go to a hospital because you are feeling ill could you!

I would go to your nearest hospital & explain how your feeling? That you are having Suicidal thoughts! They maybe a bit quicker to get you seen by the right people than waiting to get on your doctors list? You could of gotten a lot worst by then? Just a thought!

[ASchwartz]

Hi Lost,

I am pleased that you have been warmly welcomed and responded to by our terrific members and I hope you become one of our community.

You know, you do not have to have a bipolar disorder to be a "worry wart." The symptoms you describe are very familiar and very common: worrying, analyzing everything, hanging on to past injustices, etc. I agree with everyone that you would help yourself a lot by seeing a therapist. Here at this site we favor Cognitive Behavioral Therapy because the research supports that it gets good results and I as a therapist have seen excellent results with it.

Do you tend to see your "glass as half empty instead of half full?"

Allan