New here, and with a few problems

[Mercury]

Well first of all, I'll just say im a 23 year old female, and the main reason I'm here is because of cutting/self injuring.

I have never been to a therapist and haven't been to a real doctor since i was 18. When I was 19 I started cutting myself, I had stopped for just about the whole year of 2008, with the occasional relapse inbetween. But since January I have been cutting on a weekly basis and it's becoming a problem with my job and school.

Lets just say I work in a nursing home, and since I cut mostly on my arms I try to wear long sleeves as much as possible, its not always that easy tho trying to keep those long sleeves out of a dirty diaper. Either way I know they talk. My class is for nursing assistant level 2, my teacher this morning took me in the back room and confronted me about my cutting and said she wasn't sure if I would be allowed to stay in the program because she is afraid of infection control. She also is worried because we were practing blood sugar checks and mine came up so high, but I'll get into that later.

My home life is a bit of a problem, I live with my mother, grandmother, and sister, I'm the youngest in the house but I am responsible to take care of them. My mother has advanced COPD with bi-polar, my grandmother has dementia, and my sister has severe schizophrenia and diabetes. I've overheard them saying how if anything happens to me from cutting how it will affect them, not that they are worried about me, when they say it they put it in the terms of who will take care of them and work, I'm the only person working in the house. Seriously it hurts to know that my family just wants me around to take care of them. I've been told I should leave them, but I can't just abandon them, as far as I see it, it's like abandoning a bunch of kids with the way they act.

My main reason for cutting is control issues I think. I realy have no control over what I do with my life. I'm stuck working in a job I realy don't like, but since it's the only job I can get that pays this well I have to stay. I can't have a social life because of my family, once work and school is over I come home to make sure they haven't destroyed anything in the house (my sister goes on fits and will kick in walls, the stove, etc.). I also have to pay for there bills, my mother and grandmother bring in some money, but not enough to pay there own expenses, so I haven't been able to go to a doctor. My teacher told me she wants me to go to a regular doctor and a therapist before I'm allowed to go to clinicals, but I just don't have the money, I have insurance but it comes with a $700 deductible that I just can't afford. I know I have diabetes to top it all off, so cutting is probably more dangerous since diabetics dont realy heal as fast, but it's just not something I can help right now.

I'm sorry if this is turning into a bit of a rant, it's just that in the nearly 5 years I've been cutting, I've only ever realy talked to 2 people about it, it just feels like I'm in a corner and I have no place to go anymore. I'll admit, my thoughts sometimes go past just cutting, last month I overdosed on caffeine pills on purpose, just enough to get myself realy sick. In my car I keep 5 bottles of tylenol PM, which I know I need to throw away, but I keep imagining scenarios where I'm going to take them all, I know I never realy will, but for some reason I like to keep them there. Seriously, I could probably just keep going on for a long time here, so I think I'll just cut it off now, but anyway, thanks for listening


-Mercury

[mscat]

Hi Mercury,
Welcome to our community. you have so much to deal with. I see that your also in the role of caregiver , at home as well as at work and in training. I assume it is some type of CNA.
The Cutting/self injury does not seem like it is a secret either. I can see how that will interfer with your training.
i am thinking that maybe you could be A in home care provider for your family and make some money caring for them , because you already do so anyway. And you might be able to qualify for low income medical assistance.
First and foremost is taking care of yourself though! It is a distraction to take care of others instead on oneself . I've done it myself. Until I could not do it anymore due to my symtoms becomming to severe.
Since this post is about you, Id strongly encourage you to start taking care of yourself first . your family has a lot of mental illness in it, that is what you have written , not trying to write that you do as well, it is that this is a tremendous burden on you. Are you the only one caring for them?
You mentioned that you self injure for control reasons, which makes me also wonder if there are also any eating disordered issues going on? I ask because this is very common in woman to have both at the same time, and personally I've been through it myself.
Again, I urge you to start looking for low incme health insurance through local social services department, see if you qualify, and many professionals work on a sliding scale fee.
Continue writing here, and in the meantine we will try and be supportive .
Cathy

[ASchwartz]

Hi Mercury,

Welcome to our community. I had the notion, at the end of your post, that you thought we would lose patience with you because, according to you, you were "rambling." Not true. You are welcome to post what you need to plus, I did not find you to be rambling at all.

It is amazing to read the amount of stress that you are under. We need to find ways to help you get out from under this stress. You family relies on you too much.

I have some suggestions that, perhaps, could help you.

1. With COPD your mother qualifies for Social Security Disability. Perhaps she receives that now. In addition, she qualifies for a home health aid. This is important because it would free you from having to be home so much.

2. With regard to your grandmother, there is an Alzheimer's association on a national level and they provide or can connect you to those who provide daily out of the home activities for you grandmother. Also, if your grandmother is a management problem, and I do not see how that could not be so with your mother having COPD, your sister with schizophrenia and you in school, she should probably be placed in a nursing home where adequate care can be provided for her.

3. Your sister should most certainly be on Social Security Disability. This would provide both Medicare and Medicaid for her. There are daily progams she could attend for those with this illness and, depending where you live, there are residences for her to live in and her disability would pay.

4. Your school might have a counseling department that could help you with your cutting problems and at low cost or not cost. Also, the school might provide low cost health insurance to you as a student.

You really must get help with your cutting problem. There is no question in my mind that you are cutting in an attempt to deal with the powerful stresses you are under.

We want you to post here and there are many forums here that might fit your needs. In any case, we want very much to hear from you.

Allan