Anubis
03-08-2009, 02:27 PM
Hi
I joined this site a couple of days ago, I have been reading sites like these for probably the last couple of years now, maybe more but then I start to feel better and stop reading until the next time I am in the position I am in now. I was going to make a post yesterday but my son came home and i dont want them to see what im writing and now I dont know what to say. I find it hard to talk about what goes on in my life, so i just ignore it until it goes away again.
The reason i am here this time is because i threw my boyfriend about two weeks ago, I created a problem that i told him was not able to be fixed and because of the type of person he is, he moved out because he could see it was what i wanted and there wasnt going to any changing my mind. The last couple of weeks have been a blur of not eating, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, not sleeping, racing thoughts, anger, depression, a whole range of emotions, that he is not used to but I am.
I always think im better and its not going to happen again when this finally lifts and when i met this last guy i had told myself i had not had an episode for a while so it was going to be okay, but i started to feel claustrophobic in the relationship and felt like he was demanding something from me i cannot give. he said that the things he was expecting were just normal, he just wanted to feel like i actually wanted him here, not be cold and not let him touch me, i used to avoid talking to him when i was in the zone, go to bed early, sleep a lot, i couldnt tell him what was going on.
I tried to tell him its just me, it is just me, i have lived like this all my life. I have earlier been diagnosed with bipolar and possibly borderline personality, who knows I have been to that many doctors, i doctor shop, not for drugs, but to avoid going back the last one that i went to wen i was depressed or feeling crazy, im running out of doctors to go to.
my boyfriend wants me to go to docs and go on medication, he thinks it will fix me, i finally told him about the bipolar but not the borderline personality disorder so he thinks its just a case of going on meds and all will be okay.
ive been thinking a lot about everything this time, im nearly 40 and im really tired now of living like this, but i cant seem to control what i do. its like something else takes over and im watching a movie of myself doing and saying things that normally i would control and know i cant say,
I made a list of a few things the other night at the suggestion of a lifeline counsellour i rang. It kinda scares me. I have lived in around 35 different houses in the lat 16 years, dragging my kids with me everytime i move, had as many jobs and boyfriends, more boyfriends actually, because a lot of them have only either been shag boys, one night stands or someone i have met and gone out with for a couple of months and then dumped them for whatever reason i could find at the time, some have been real jerks, but some have been ok and have dumped them anyway.
I have engaged in prostitution several times over the years, out of desperation for money as i have gambled our food money and i have stolen money. I lie to my friends about why i have left my job or dumped my boyfriend or moved, which is mainly because i have gotten behind in rent or am arguing with someone and move so they dont know where i live, I feel like i live in this crazy world which there is no escape.
I have started to study so many different courses it has become a joke as i never finished any of them and end up in unskilled jobs which i hate and bore to death, and end up depressed and will quit when i cant take it anymore, problem is i am becoming unemployable as i cant provide references from previous employers because i dont turn up for shifts am unreliable when im like this.
I hate myself, I hate people, i hate everything about this place. I have only two good friends but they dont really know what im like, they only see the good me. Not the bad me. The destructive me. Other friends, i avoid, i get invited to parties as apparantly im a lot of fun to be around but i dont go, i prefer to be by myself so i have always got an excuse for not being able to go, so they dont know im just avoiding them.
i have been like this since i was 11. I started running away from home when i was twelve. I am now nearly 40. I have learnt to hide it better, i am better able to control the impulses but when i get stressed its like the monstor escapes and i cause havoc in my life and those like my partner around me. I manage to protect my kids from most of it if i can but they sense when im not right because they are quiet and band together, normally they fight and bicker. I just dont know what to do anymore, I thought i had it under control, the hating. Im not even sure what im doing here, apart from the fact that i can say these things out loud and no one will know that its me writing them.
Anubis
I joined this site a couple of days ago, I have been reading sites like these for probably the last couple of years now, maybe more but then I start to feel better and stop reading until the next time I am in the position I am in now. I was going to make a post yesterday but my son came home and i dont want them to see what im writing and now I dont know what to say. I find it hard to talk about what goes on in my life, so i just ignore it until it goes away again.
The reason i am here this time is because i threw my boyfriend about two weeks ago, I created a problem that i told him was not able to be fixed and because of the type of person he is, he moved out because he could see it was what i wanted and there wasnt going to any changing my mind. The last couple of weeks have been a blur of not eating, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, not sleeping, racing thoughts, anger, depression, a whole range of emotions, that he is not used to but I am.
I always think im better and its not going to happen again when this finally lifts and when i met this last guy i had told myself i had not had an episode for a while so it was going to be okay, but i started to feel claustrophobic in the relationship and felt like he was demanding something from me i cannot give. he said that the things he was expecting were just normal, he just wanted to feel like i actually wanted him here, not be cold and not let him touch me, i used to avoid talking to him when i was in the zone, go to bed early, sleep a lot, i couldnt tell him what was going on.
I tried to tell him its just me, it is just me, i have lived like this all my life. I have earlier been diagnosed with bipolar and possibly borderline personality, who knows I have been to that many doctors, i doctor shop, not for drugs, but to avoid going back the last one that i went to wen i was depressed or feeling crazy, im running out of doctors to go to.
my boyfriend wants me to go to docs and go on medication, he thinks it will fix me, i finally told him about the bipolar but not the borderline personality disorder so he thinks its just a case of going on meds and all will be okay.
ive been thinking a lot about everything this time, im nearly 40 and im really tired now of living like this, but i cant seem to control what i do. its like something else takes over and im watching a movie of myself doing and saying things that normally i would control and know i cant say,
I made a list of a few things the other night at the suggestion of a lifeline counsellour i rang. It kinda scares me. I have lived in around 35 different houses in the lat 16 years, dragging my kids with me everytime i move, had as many jobs and boyfriends, more boyfriends actually, because a lot of them have only either been shag boys, one night stands or someone i have met and gone out with for a couple of months and then dumped them for whatever reason i could find at the time, some have been real jerks, but some have been ok and have dumped them anyway.
I have engaged in prostitution several times over the years, out of desperation for money as i have gambled our food money and i have stolen money. I lie to my friends about why i have left my job or dumped my boyfriend or moved, which is mainly because i have gotten behind in rent or am arguing with someone and move so they dont know where i live, I feel like i live in this crazy world which there is no escape.
I have started to study so many different courses it has become a joke as i never finished any of them and end up in unskilled jobs which i hate and bore to death, and end up depressed and will quit when i cant take it anymore, problem is i am becoming unemployable as i cant provide references from previous employers because i dont turn up for shifts am unreliable when im like this.
I hate myself, I hate people, i hate everything about this place. I have only two good friends but they dont really know what im like, they only see the good me. Not the bad me. The destructive me. Other friends, i avoid, i get invited to parties as apparantly im a lot of fun to be around but i dont go, i prefer to be by myself so i have always got an excuse for not being able to go, so they dont know im just avoiding them.
i have been like this since i was 11. I started running away from home when i was twelve. I am now nearly 40. I have learnt to hide it better, i am better able to control the impulses but when i get stressed its like the monstor escapes and i cause havoc in my life and those like my partner around me. I manage to protect my kids from most of it if i can but they sense when im not right because they are quiet and band together, normally they fight and bicker. I just dont know what to do anymore, I thought i had it under control, the hating. Im not even sure what im doing here, apart from the fact that i can say these things out loud and no one will know that its me writing them.
Anubis