Back Again

[Anubis]

Well here i am again, i have not been able to go to work the last couple of days and last week was the same. My boyfriend who i threw out a couple of weeks ago has made an appointment for me at the doctors, he wants to come with me. How can i let him sit there and listen to my all my crazy stuff. I dont know if i can do it. I feel like i have two people inside my head, one that says to ignore what he is saying, that there is nothing wrong and he is the problem, not me, and the other that says there is a problem and nothing will ever change if i dont do anything about it.

I dont even know why he wants to do this, i accused him of treating me like a project, i want him to leave me, but i dont want him to hate me. I hate him for this but part of me knows that i shouldnt. Why do i feel so confused all the time, i dont understand. Sometimes im really good at making decisions and other times, over the smallest of things i cannot make up my mind, so i end up doing nothing. Today i was going to go to work but then couldnt make myself get up and get ready.

I dont even know what im going to say to them, how do you tell them what your life has been like in 15 mins, it never seems to do any good anyway, it seems ive been to this doctor too a few years ago when i was having bad anxiety but i stopped going to them, i feel like im trapped in a bubble.

I better go, thanks

Anubis

[Proverbs31:28]

Well, imho, it does sound like going to the appt would be a good start for you. Personally, however, I would not invite a 3rd party into the session. There are many reasons including the fact that, based on what you have described about him, his presence will make you uncomfortable and probably less likely to be 100% forthcoming. Then there is the issue of priviliege- it can be considered waived by allowing a 3rd party into the session.

It sounds to me like he is genuinely concerned about seeing you get better. (Either that or he is a huge control freak, but I am inclined to think the former.) If you value his input, perhaps allowing him to drive you to the appt will be enough and then go into the actual appt alone.

I think it is positive that you see the need for the appt and plan to attend. Good luck and please let us know how everything goes.

[Anubis]

I think he does want to see me get better, I want to believe that anyway. I think he does, he is different to anybody else i have had in my life, but i dont want our relationship to become about what is wrong with me if that makes sense.. and him trying to fix it. I know how it has been for me to live with all my life, it worries me that i will be a burden to him and that i will end up hurting him more with my behaviour.

I went to the doctor today and she asked me a whole heap of questions which i cant even remember now, she gave me a script for an antidepressant to start with and told me to come back in two days for a long appt so she can get me to fill out some questionairres. My bf took me and came in with me, and i did feel awkward but he answered some of the questions, i think the doctor only thought i was there because he made me go, doesnt help my case really, i am my own worst enemy i think, i got really angry and i dont know why, maybe i did only go because of him. Whatever im doing in two days is so she can decide whether i need a pysch assessment or i just need counselling or something like that, so now i have to wait another two days.

Meanwhile, i think ive probably lost my job because of all the days ive missed without certificates and im unreliable, i can see my life falling apart before my eyes and i seem powerless to stop it. My next appt im going to im going to go by myself, he will be at work anyway and he says he is just glad im going. He doesnt know everything about me, and i dont really want him to know all the things i have done. I feel like im living a double life most of the time, how can you have a relationship with someone and be honest when they dont know the things you do. It eats away at me all the time, worried that he will find out and not want to know me anymore.

I dont know what is worse, living my life the way i have all these years or facing up to the way i have lived all these years and the demons in my head.

Anubis

[Anubis]

Hello

Today I am feeling anxious again, I went to the doctors yesterday like she asked me to for a longer appointment so that she could do an assessment of some kind. She asked what felt like a hundred questions and then she said she was going to refer me to the state mental health dept for a psych assessment, she didnt say what i had. Just that it would take a few weeks before i would get an appointment and that i was to ring the crisis line if it became urgent. Doesnt really tell me much apart from what i already know that there is something wrong with me. Now i just have to wait again.

My boyfriend well i like him again at the moment, things have been going ok, but i know that it will not last, it never does, even after he left last night i started thinking about all the things i dont like about him, and maybe i dont want to be with him, why would he want to be with me, why would anyone want to be with me, i get angry with him and i hate him, but then i dont want him to go, its like a merrygo round in my head. I start to think he is only going out with me because he thinks im weak and that he wants someone he can control, i dont want to be controlled, i feel weak, and i dont want to be, i despise him because i think that is what he is doing and what kind of person does that make him, i think he has a hidden agenda, but then some days he seems so nice like he really cares and i love him again. I wish i could make up my mind what is he, bad for me or good for me. I cant seem to decide. A part of me wants to believe that he does really care about me, another part doesnt trust him and thinks he is just getting off on seeing me like this, if that makes any sense. He says i have to learn to trust him that he is not out to hurt me but he doesnt understand i dont trust anyone really and i cant tell him what goes on in my mind because then he will think im bad, and then if is genuine i might lose him.

Thanks for listening

Anubis

[malign]

Anubis,

The way you write, it's easy to see the swirling of your thoughts. I've seen people here describe that, with anxiety or with OCD. But it makes it difficult to figure out which thoughts are about your boyfriend, and which are about you.

There's a pattern, though. You start out saying something about him, like that you're afraid he's only with you because you're weak and easily controlled, and then you say something bad about yourself, like that you think you are weak and easily controlled. But the only time you describe his actual behavior, he's nice to you.

Now maybe there's stuff he does that you didn't describe, but it seems to me that mostly, this is about you telling yourself that you're bad, and then expecting him to agree with you.

I guess it's no use my telling you to stop that, is there? ;-) Maybe just be aware of it, while you're waiting for your next session. You don't need to decide who to spend your life with, or who not to, right at the moment. Maybe you could even test some of these assumptions you make about yourself, like just tell him one bad thing and see how he takes it. I doubt that you're as horrible as you make out.

[FlowFreak]

What tha H is a database error?

[FlowFreak]

I wish i could make up my mind what is he, bad for me or good for me. I cant seem to decide. A part of me wants to believe that he does really care about me, another part doesnt trust him and thinks he is just getting off on seeing me like this, if that makes any sense.


Yes. It does.

[Anubis]

Thanks for the replies, ive been reading through a lot of the posts here and can relate to much of what gets said, i didnt realise there were so many people out there very similar to me.

I got an appointment with a pyschologist on Friday. Apparantly my doctor referred me to a pyschiatrist for a formal assessment which is on the 30th March and a pyschologist which i seen on Friday. She asked me a lot of questions, more questions than the doctor, she didnt tell me what she thought was wrong though, just gave me a questionnaire with 300 more questions on it to fill out and take back the next time i see her. I am assuming she is assessing me for a personality disorder from everything i have read on the net but she didnt say that. Its strange cause on the one hand im freaking out because i might be 'mentally ill' if that is even the right term and on the other hand it would be a relief to think there was actually a reason why my life has been so trashy.

Im stressing because i dont want people to know, i have gone to great lengths to hide all this from the people i know, kept them away, ditched friends, pushed people away, alienated myself from most people who have been in my life to the point where i only have three people who i can really count as friends and one of them is my boyfriend. And some days i hate him and want him to go away because i dont really trust him.

I know im tired, tired of the running though i want to run away, i dont want to face up to what i am or what i have become over the years. I dont know how i am going to face people again, i have become a hermit in my house again, i know that this will pass but this time im scared because my bf knows and he wont let it go, he wants me to get help, he really pees me off he is like a fly. I feel like i live in a constant state of contradiction, with about 3 or 4 different people inside of me that are all struggling for power to make decisions, how do i reconcile them, i dont know.

I am one person with my parents, one person with my kids and one person with boyfriend, how do i get all those to match up so that i can just be one person. my stress levels go through the roof when these people all get together. I avoid social gatherings at all cost, i dont feel comfortable most of the time with them anyway. Most of the time i feel like i am on the fringe of this world, a spectator in my own disasters.

So now i play the waiting game, wait for the next appointment and the next, how long does it normally take to get a diagnosis and who actually makes the diagnosis, the pyschologist or the pyschiatrist?

Thanks
Anubis

[nancyannee]

hello anubis. I can certainly relate to alot of what you are saying. I too have many racing thoughts and find it very difficult to trust anyone. you are going in the right direction though going to a doctor. hang in there and have faith. your bf sounds like a nice guy who cares a great deal about you, but I would not want him in my sessions. I have been married for 22 years and I would not want my husband in ANY of them!!!

I hope everything works out!

nancy:)