Overcoming alcoholism

[beautifully flawed]

Hi, I am new to the site. I think talking about my problem will help me overcome it and because I am unwilling to join AA I thought this site might provide some support. I am young but I have been an alcoholic for a few years now. I come from a long line of depressed addicts. Both of my parents and many other family members fall into this category. I am afraid that if I don't do something now I will end up like my dad who is more severe than my mother. I think my problems all began with low self-esteem and then branched off into social anxiety and mild depression. From there I began to drink and do drugs as a teenager, it was social acceptable and I enjoyed it. I mainly smoked pot but I did try other drugs as I got older but did not use harder drugs often. I had no problem giving them up after I decided they were not fun anymore but the alcohol just kind of stuck around.

Now that I am older it has worsened. I find my self spending ridiculous amounts of money (that I can not afford) on alcohol. I am no longer a social drinker, now I get drunk every night even when I am alone. I am afraid that being drunk all the time is giving me a bad reputation and its making my social anxiety problem more difficult to deal with. The ironic thing is: I use alcohol as an icebreaker, but when I start drinking I can't stop and it turns me into someone I don't want to be and whom no one likes. The truth is, I don't really want to stop, I just want to be able to control my urge to drink.

I decide every Sunday night (before I have to go to work the next morning, I am functional) I tell myself that I am going to quit. I can usually make it to Tuesday, but rarely have I made it to Wednesday and most weeks I drink on Monday night. Today is Tuesday.

[xenophon]

You have options. Many options.
A few:
All on line:
SMART Recovery
SOS
LifeRing
Women for Sobriety
Hamshrn at Yahoo.
Design your own plan. Go to these places above; read about them; pick and choose as you will. All are full service: face to face meetings; message board; chat room; reading lists; tool box. Change your plan as needed. Choose what fits you. If the shoe does not fit -- do not wear it.

[beautifully flawed]

Thank you for your suggestions. I will look into them.

[finding my way]

Hi beautifully flawed, and you are welcome here.:) xenophon has given some interesting looking links. Have you thought about going into therapy? What does your support network look like? Is there anyone around you you can talk to? You will need support to get past this. Let us know how you are doing. Many people here can relate to having an addiction.

[beautifully flawed]

Thanks for the encouragement. I have thought about therapy but I have decided against it for a few different reasons. What I am really looking for is an anonymous place to talk about my issues with out judgment. This site seems to be the perfect place for that. As for support, there really isn't anyone I can look to in my life. I have a professional job and cannot risk speaking to the co-workers I have made friends with about my problems because of the negative connotation it may have in my particular field. My old friends are the "there is no problem" kind of people. Not to make them sound apathetic but they really aren't very comfortable talking about anything emotional. As I said before, my parents are deeper in their addictions than I am. I do speak to my father about our addictions but it doesn't help because he is 3 sheets to the wind most of time. I am close to my younger sister but as she gets older and moves along into her own life separate from me I feel like it isn't fair to put her on the spot based on my own needs. She has enough to deal with right now (she has the same parents I do!).

I realize I need help getting through this, but I can only work with what I have now. I made it through last week with only 3 days drinking and that is a huge achievement for me. I am drinking today but I will try not to drink tomorrow. That's how I am taking it. I know that I will get there eventually.

[finding my way]

You are welcome to keep with us and I hope you find it helpful. About therapy, no one has to know about it. Just something to keep in mind. It's a tremendous thing you are doing! Maybe some of those links can lend support too.

[xenophon]

beautifully flawed -
That is a good way to go. It is easy to say, but the urge to drink can be successfully resisted. There is a safe limit for drinking. Three servings a day; 12 servings per week. I suggest replacing drinking alcohol with a different behavior. A behavior that cannot include alcohol.
You may want to look at HAMS or hmshrn at yahoo.

[ASchwartz]

Hi BeautifullyFlawed,

I agree that it is good that you found our site and that this is a good place for you to post and get lots of support. In addition to this, there is an observation I want to make and I hope you can elaborate. Here it is:

It seems to me that, other than coming to us (again, this is a really good place for you and you are welcome here) you have shut the door to any other kind of help out there in the world. You report that you will not go to therapy for some reason, you will not go to AA or any of the others that have been suggested for you and that you cannot speak to either new or old friends.

That leaves you with absolutely no options other than writing here. Writing here is good but it can only get you so far and no further because you need lots more help with your drinking and with the dysfunctional addicted family you come from.

You write that you spend "ridiculous amounts of money" on alcohol. What if you spent that money on psychotherapy instead?

Could you help us understand why outside help, in addition to us (and we are glad to help), is not possible for yourself?

Allan :)

[beautifully flawed]

Allan,

I think you may be right about therapy, I am reconsidering it and I plan to do some research. I know I cannot do this alone or I would have already. My issues with therapy started when I was young, I was court ordered to see a psychologist at 2 separate times in my life because of my dysfunctional parents. I spent my childhood in court rooms and offices. None of it helped because I could feel that they didn't really care and were just doing their jobs. I hesitate to revisit that time in my life. I realize that things may not feel the same to me now and that it could be very beneficial, but it feels like opening up a can of worms I thought I sealed long ago (but obviously did not).

As for AA, I have read some things about it online, I am not religious and most of the material I read about the program spoke about God. I would feel like a hypocrite. I am not adverse to looking into some of the programs Xenophon mentioned I just haven't yet. As for my friends, I have known them for a long time and although I know the 3 that are close to me see I have a problem only 1 has ever said anything to me about it and she is as bad off in addiction as I am. When we get together there is no help just drunk. We do speak about it though, she knows exactly what I know. The other 2 would never speak about something so emotional. It hurts my feelings that they pretend nothing is wrong, I feel like they should care more about me, but then I think, "that isn't fair, they have their own lives to worry about".

Last night I got a late phone call from my sister (she lives with my dad and brother). She was very upset. My father drank quite a bit of whiskey and tried to hit my brother (this is not common). My father and brother wrestled around and destroyed some furniture in the process. She called the police and left the house for awhile. By the time the police came my father had realized how bad the situation was and calmed down. They did not arrest him. Even though I live 30 miles away from them I feel like I should have been there to protect them, I know that we are all adults but I still feel some what responsible for them because of the role I played in their child hood. Any way, the events of last night, as well as others, have shown me what doing nothing about your problems can lead to. I don't want to end up that way. I love my father, but he is sick and won't admit it.

I am doing better now out of sheer want than I was 6 months ago. I am being proactive and trying to reclaim my life. I think positive thinking is helping me to make the changes I need, but I still feel desperate and lost sometimes. I know there is know where to go but up, but I am still looking for the "big" shove.

Xenophon,

My goal is moderation. 12 drinks or less a week is about where I would like to be. I will look at HAMS and will let you know what I think. One of the changes I spoke about earlier in this post is spending more time out doors. Where I live we have already had several warm, sunny days. I took advantage of every one by taking walks for exercise and taking a picnic and the newspaper to the park after work. Doing this has calmed my mood and I cannot drink in the park! I intend to do this as often as possible as it warms up outside.

I thank you all for the support you have given me so far, I want you to know how much it helps. Beautifully Flawed

[xenophon]

Good. As we are both aware, the present situation is untenable. As a practical matter, harm reduction is necessary. Replacing the drinking with another behavior which precludes alcolhol consumption is a good idea. Do that as much as possible.
from what you have related, therapy is indicated.

[malign]

I, too, was "forced" to go to therapy by my parents, after almost failing my senior year, including English. I thought the therapist was an idiot, refused to talk to him, and quit after four sessions.

It was only later that I realized that the therapist did his best to draw out a rebellious teenager, and that it was I who acted like an idiot by refusing help that I needed, regardless of how it was offered to me. :-)

Maybe some day I'll get to the point where I don't see anybody as an idiot, just as who they happened to be at the time.

[beautifully flawed]

I see what you are saying...you didn't give it a real chance because you were rebelling against everything in your life. I have also been there. My situation was different. I wasn't a teenager, I was a child. I may have had a much different opinion of the whole process if I had been older, but I was 5 the first time I was ordered to see a therapist and 11 the last time. I remember both. One of my psychologists actually told my family everything I said in our sessions, then I would catch hell at home because I was telling "lies" about my family to strangers. My parents did not choose for me to go, it was ordered by my state. For a long time my parents accused me of playing them against each other but I truly was very scared and upset and I guess that showed through in my actions because I caught the brunt of my parents divorce and subsequent years of battling in the court system because I was the oldest child.
I felt then like the only thing holding me and my sister and brother together (twins) was myself as we bounced from parent to parent as per the custody agreement the courts came to, which eventually led to joint custody. After the joint custody arrangement was made we moved from parent to parent every 2 weeks which meant that we lived out of our suitcases for 4 years. I put them to bed every night, made sure they did their homework, made sure they got dinner and stayed safe to and from school regardless of whose house we were in at the time. We were lucky enough to have wonderful grandparents who took care of our needs that our parents could not or did not provide. When I turned 16 I was old enough in the eyes of the law to make my own decisions. I chose to go live with my dad because he provided more stability (he owned his own home) than my mother who bounced from rental home to rental home and boyfriend to boyfriend. The twins were still bound by the joint custody agreement and that caused me feel to guilty. I felt like I had left them behind, but they were so much younger than me at the time that they didn't really understand, all they saw was how much fun they had camping on the river; taking baths in it and playing in the fields, they didn't see that it was because they were homeless for a short period of time.
I left home for college as soon as I could and left them alone again. The day my grandparents took me the 100 miles to my dorm my sister came with them and cried hysterically the whole way. She was only 14 and kept asking me why I was leaving them. I have never forgotten the way she was that night and the immense guilt I felt.
I eventually dropped out of school and came home for about a year ( in my own apt) before leaving out for a city 300 miles away again. From there I moved through 3 states in 5 years, but my sister and brother came to visit me everywhere I lived, I came to get them and would take them home or my grandparents would. Once we even took Greyhound. I moved back to where I am from nearly 3 years ago, I came home to adults (the twins) who have many of the same problems I do. That showed me that you cannot run away from your problems. Now that they are adults I am even more afraid because my brother, who doesn't like to talk about emotional problems obviously has anger issues and is about to get married! My sister, who I am close to, has expressed being worried about depression.

I am sorry this post is so long but I have been drinking tonight. I guess I do need therapy because reading this, I realize how f-ed up things really are. Thanks to you who are listening and offer advice, I appreciate it.

[malign]

Yeah, I'm sorry: I kinda focused on what happened to me for while, and this is your thread.

I do recommend getting whatever help you can (I've been in therapy, and it helped, several times since that first time I wrote about.) "Things" may be messed up, in your situation, but I don't see that any of those things are you. The situation, and especially raising your brother and sister, really aren't your responsibility. As far as I can tell, you took almost superhuman measures to care for them, and you deserve to give yourself a break.

[xenophon]

I agree with malign here.
You had a difficult situation and you did the best that you could.
I think that this situation ought to be clarified.

[beautifully flawed]

I did not mean to sound possessive of this thread in my post, I just kind of got carried away and finally had to make myself stop writing. I would be glad to hear more of your story, sharing mine on this site has helped me so much already. I think hearing more of yours and others (stories) will help even more, you know, the "you're not the only one" kind of thing. I am reconsidering therapy. I have realized it would probably help. The largest part of the decision will involve time and money. Thanks again for your time and support... now I am going to enjoy this 1st day of spring afternoon. BF

[xenophon]

beautifully flawed, you are not being possesive. You have difficulties which have to handled. I have none worthy of the name.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Beautifullyflawed and all,

You know, you are all discussing one theme: feeling helpless as a result of things done to you as children. In addition, Beautifullyflawed, you had the awful experience of deciding the parent you wanted to be with afther the divorce. Please, do not misunderstand. You made the right decision. But, I can only guess at the amount of guilt you must have felt about that decision. Was there anyone there to help you with the guilt, to help you lighten it?

With regard to AA, I am well aware of the controversy on this site and others about AA. However, my experience both as a therapist for 30 years and as a friend and family member of those who have gone to AA, it was a very positive experience and helped them stop drinking and feel much better. This was true whether or not they had any religious feeling and regardless of whether they were Chritian, Catholic or Jewish. In my experience, it is the combination of psychotherapy and AA that works best.

Allan :)

[John Rutledge]

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[beautifully flawed]

John,
I have to admit to everyone that I am not doing so well with abstaining from alcohol. I have drank every day since last Thur. I can make the decision not to drink for a day at one hour then when the next temptation comes I'll think, "well, just a few drinks today and then I'll stop tomorrow". I have been doing that for a while now. It is very difficult for me to resist my temptation. I guess everyone trying to control themselves experiences this. I also have to admit that I do not want to stop all together. What I want is to be able to control my drinking so that I can enjoy a few drinks at a restaurant or bbq without over doing it and drinking every day. Its compulsive at this point. I want drinking to be something I enjoy with a group of friends without getting drunk and without being ruled by it. I want it to be a decision instead of a compulsion. I want to be able to drink a glass of wine with dinner and not need to follow it with the rest of the bottle. I will look into rational, thanks for the info.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I use alcohol as an ice breaker because I am often too nervous when meeting and interacting with new people. It usually works well for a while, loosening me up enough to talk to people, then I have too much and end up showing my problem to people which, in turn, scares them away. I am afraid this is giving me a certain reputation that I do not want associated with myself.

Allan,
Since you have been a therapist for many years, I wanted to ask you if you think CBT may benefit me. I realize that you cannot know much about me just by the posts I leave here but if you have any thoughts on CBT I would be grateful to hear them. I am not sure if my insurance will cover therapy but I have come to realize that my issues are not solely alcohol related.
Thanks to all, BF

[John Rutledge]

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[Lie_low]

As another person struggling with trying to give up alcohol, I can totally relate to your situation. I am aiming for complete abstinence though. I know myself well enough to know that drinking in moderation is not a realistic option for me. In fact doing so seems like torture, as if I’m teasing myself with something that I enjoy, but I know from past experience can quickly get out of hand. I like John’s suggestion of committing to a brief period of complete abstinence to help clear your mind and maybe get a better idea of where you stand with alcohol.

[beautifully flawed]

I did look into Rational Recovery and found it very interesting. I had never truly thought about the difference between "it" and me. I have been using that idea when fighting temptation. I am still drinking but not today. I completely agree with the idea of abstaining and clearing my head for awhile before deciding if moderation is possible and it very well may not. I do know myself and I am not the sort to stop at 1 or 2 drinks, it would take enormous self control to achieve drinking in moderation and I do not possess that now. Lie_Low's description of teasing fits.

[John Rutledge]

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[beautifully flawed]

I have been off line for several months but I am back now. An update for anyone who is interested: I am still drinking but have cut back drastically. I moved out of my house where I had 2 roommates and into an apartment of my own. At first this was bad for me, I was getting drunk every night and having a difficult time getting to work on time in the mornings. After a couple of months the financial situation really hit me. I couldn't afford internet access and was struggling to pay my bills. I realized the amount of money I spend on alcohol and tobacco per month is more than enough to cover me. I have now cut my addictions in half and money was the motivator. I don't know about the future but I feel like I am doing okay now.

[John Rutledge]

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[beautifully flawed]

Hi everyone! I am in good spirits now because the work week is over. I was not doing so well last week and earlier this week. I am maintaining my previously mentioned (earlier post) alcohol consumption but the stresses of my job and life are getting to me right now. Some financial issues have come up and I cannot see a solution to the problem. I am leaving soon to see some friends but I don't really feel like going and haven't for awhile. I have turned down every social invitation I have gotten for at least a month. I think I am slipping into a depression and I know that makes me drink more. Living alone seems to facilitating these feelings. Everything is going wrong.

[Ray Smith]

Here's my story of early recovery, posted on the without_aa group, reposted on the "Danger Thin Ice" website:

After nearly a year sober, I was kicked out of an apartment program for "using drugs" after being prescribed Claritin for an ear infection. This was an apartment program in upstate NY for people with mental health and substance abuse issues. We were drug tested randomly.

The people running the place knew what medications I was on, after my first false positive, they administered the meds. I asked if the Claritin, prescribed or an ear infection, could be causing it (it can, it contains pseudophederine)
since the positives started right after I started taking it, they said, "No". The cheap dipstick tests they used had a 94% accuracy and the literature that comes with the test states that a positive result is an indication that further
testing is required.

After the first positive, I demanded that a gas/mass spec. test be run, they told me it was too expensive and that if I wanted it done, I had to come up with $125 on the spot. This was on a Friday, I would have gotten my monthly $250 on Monday, but they claimed that wasn't good enough. I immediately went to the treatment center I was attending for aftercare, and within an hour, they ran a gas/mass spec. test that came back negative. The apartment program claimed I had time to go out and "procure" clean urine.

The apartment program tried "gaslighting" me. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting ) They suggested that I was so mentallyill that I couldn't admit to using, even to myself. Things started moving around in my apartment while I was out, they denied having been in there, told me I was imagining things and this was proof my worsening mental condition. I took to placing a hair on my door, someone was going in and since they had the only other key....

They gave me the option of going to a 12-18 month residential, RELIGIOUS (knowing damn well that I'm an atheist) substance abuse program in another city or getting out with nowhere to go. I certainly didn't want to go through the hassle of starting over with my mental health services, I had already had major hassles getting them in that town and didn't want to start over in another city. On the apartment program's recommendation, Social Services cut me off. I couldn't get to see anyone there because my worker was on vacation, then overloaded when she returned.

I called a dozen people in AA that Friday night, got 11 answering machines. The only person who called back was my sponsor....Sunday afternoon. He wasn't sure if he believed my story since I wasn't working the AA program the way people thought I should be working it.

I called lawyers, no one wanted to touch it. Finally, I got to see my Social Services case worker the day I was being thrown out. (Turned out she as friends with the head of the apartment program. I believe they both trying to punish me for not being a good little stepper and were trying to force me to fail.) I was there from 8:30 when they opened, didn't see her until 3:30; she bitched me out for waiting so long. I near exploded, I had been there or called every day begging to see her, or ANYONE! She sent me to the YMCA at 4pm on a Friday, assuring me that they would have a room for me. They didn't and Social Services was closed.

I rushed home, called a friend (an alcoholic friend). He did what no AA person would do for me, he allowed me to put my stuff in his basement so it wouldn't end up on the street. He even came by in his truck and moved it.

I ended up sleeping in a park that weekend, right across the street from a store where I used to buy beer. I had about $50 bucks in my pocket and started thinking, "No one would blame me..." and I stopped. I realized that it didn't matter who would blame me, that only I had the power to determine if I stayed sober or drank. And I was going to be one year sober the next week and I'd be damned if they thought they could take that away from me.

Monday, I was back at Social Services and did end up at the Y. They decided that I needed to return to the six-month halfway house and treatment program I had already been through, I didn't know if I could make it through that bs a second time. My therapist advocated for me and got me into a 30-day "transitional home" for people with mental illness and into a dual diagnosis program at the mental health center. This debate over what to do with me had me living without a living allotment, food stamps, or a meal program. My caseworker from Social Services told me to collect cans.

In week 9 at the Y, I ran out of meds. I went to Social Services and told them, with a wicked gleam in my eyes, "You have me living without cash, I can handle that. You got me living without food, I can even handle that. Now you got me living without medication, do you really want to find out if I can handle that?" I got my cash allotment, food stamps, and medication the next day.

At week 10, I went to the 30-day transitional home where I ended up for almost 6 months. My case worker from Social Services had me jumping through so many hoops I didn't have time to fight and she kept going on and off of sick leave. I'd demand an appointment, get one for two weeks later, show up and she'd be out. I'd get an appointment to see someone else, only to find out she was back and my appointment had been changed again, to see her in another 2-3 weeks. By the time that rolled around, she'd be gone again.

At this point I was attending two half days a the treatment center for aftercare and 5 half days at the mental health center for the dual diagnosis program. Social Services then demanded that I start "volunteering" 30 hours a
week to remain eligible for benefits. My shrink had that cut to 20 hours and lessened the dual diagnosis treatment program hours. I was still running all week.

Legal Aid who had promised to help with this fiasco dropped the case without warning, but I was able to get an admission out of Social Services that I probably didn't relapse. After 5 & 1/2 months of the transitional home, plus the ten weeks at the Y, I was finally allowed to get my own apartment, got an OK from Social Services for a place I had my eye on. I could afford it, barely, probably have to quit smoking, but possible. Once I moved in, Social Services changed the rules again, cut my cash allotment, cut out my food stamps, and demanded I get a real job. They started threatening me with being cut off again if I didn't go out and get get 10 employers a week to sign a card explaining why I wasn't hired. When I said there weren't enough hours in the week for treatment, my volunteer job, and a job search the case worker gave me an evil grin and said, "Time management".

I managed to find a job working 20 hours mostly on the weekend. I was able to drop the volunteer job. By this time I had exceeded the 18-month period where I could have gotten help going back to school.

My depression worsened and the shrink wanted me to go on more meds. This would having raised my monthly bill to around $250. (Nothing like battling the system and being depressed at the same time.) Having been cut off a few times and paid over $100 out of pocket, with constant threats of being cut off, I talked to the nurse practioner and she suggested supplements. She took me off of all medication and I started taking St. John's Wort, fish oil, melatonin, and Valerian root. I wasn't expecting much, I never had ANY medication that really helped. I was shocked at the immediate and dramatic results I had from St. John's Wort. I was still getting my prescriptions filled because if I wasn't on medication, I wouldn't be eligible for benefits, especially therapy. No way could I afford that out of pocket.

Right after that, I was accepted by both Social Security and Section 8 housing. After a flurry of paperwork and running around, and I was free from Social Services. That was such an improvement on top of already feeling better, that I was almost manic. All these good things started happening, things I had worked for, but never expected or dared hope for. It was dizzying.

Flushed with success, I tracked down a former flame via the internet. We went together for a year, then she moved away. We kept in touch for 15 years, visiting each other occasionally, always a bit "more than friendly" until she visited in 1992 and I was lost in depression and alcoholism. I never had forgotten the look of disappointment in her eyes. I hoped that we could be friends again and even hoped that we could resume the occasional lover
relationship.

A lump sum from Social Security allowed me to get a car and a computer. I decided that during my vacation from work, I'd drive to Florida and visit Mom. On the way down, I'd stop by and see Joy. It went so well, I stopped on my way back and visited several more times and I started making plans to move close to where she lived. She was one of the founding members of a community and business that I never thought I'd be able to drag her away from, especially after a dozen years she had been there. A few months later, the community folded and she came to live with me. Six months later we were married.

At any point, the easiest thing would have been to give up. AA and the system programmed me to be a drunk, to go back to what taking a chemical fix when times got hard, but they had pissed me off too much by the time I spent sleeping in the park.

I got to where I am today by putting one foot in front of the other, on my own path, and continuing no matter what anyone else said or did. I expected a bit of satisfaction at doing what all those people told me was impossible, that I could stay sober without AA, but I never seriously thought I could be happy while doing it.

[finding my way]

How are you today, beautifully flawed? I am sorry for your struggles right now:(... Did it go OK with your friends?

[beautifully flawed]

Hi Finding, I'm doing alright today thanks for the concern. Things went well with my friends, which reminds me of why they are friends in the first place. They know all of my shortcomings and still want to put up with me. I always make things seem worse than they really are. Do you ever just wish you could get out of your head for a while (without the booze)? I made it through most of the day without a drink. You?

Ray,
I understand your (as I perceived ) resentment for traditional (?) recovery programs. I have never tried AA but I don't think it will be an option for me at any point. I have a bit of an understanding of social services as well. I know that I have the ability to be a sober, happy person someday of my own volition. I have already changed so much. Looking back at when my drinking problem first began I was miserable, trying to fit in where I didn't belong and attempting to be a person I knew deep down I was not. Now that I have a bit of a better understanding of who I might really be things are getting a little better over time. If I keep going in this direction I will get there, someday.

[finding my way]

Congratulations, beautifully flawed!!!!! I'm glad your friends could reaquaint you with how it can feel to have friends.... we are social creatures, and that dimension, when healthy, can help so much. Yes, getting outside one's head and the looping thoughts is a treasured skill!! I am always trying this and that to get there.... and it is well worth the effort.:p