Recurrance of psychosis?

[leeandrew]

Hello everyone,

My name is Lee, I'm 24 years old.
I suffered with psychosis for over 6 years until i was about 21/22 years old - when i was 'signed off' from my phychiatrist and encouraged to rehabilitate myself and work myself back into society. Although its abit of a grey area what age i was when i developed it, i definately had it when i was 16. I was violent & suffered with terrible hallucinations. I had obsessions too which came and went, abit like mania. I was prescribed Abilify tablets and took them everyday for 6 years, until i lapsed slightly at the end. I did not think clearly but didnt understand it at the time - i was going to cut off one of my fingers as a part of an art idea i had been obsessing over.
When i was adjudged to be okay i realised all of this, i realised the person that i was. Everything was okay after i was signed off. I found a passion, i met somebody and got engaged (i have only ever had 2 partners as an adult) and moved into a new house last year. But i have done something i cannot explain, and it took being caught for me to realise that it was wrong.
At the time i developed psychosis i was very much involved on internet forums, chat rooms and porn sites - 15/16/17 years old is the time when one develops their sexual interests and preferences and unfortunately i was mentally ill at that time. I am worried that psychosis has warped the way i think and see things - even my desires and fantasies. Now i find myself without a partner, taking days off work because i cant cope with my bleak future without her, living with the shame of what i have done and not really knowing what the drivers in me are.
In all other aspects of my life i would say i am 'normal'. I hold a part time job, i am a full time student. I donate to shark charities and adopt sharks. I am a vegetarian. I am an agnostic and very passionate, somewhat obsessive about it. Incidentally i am a science student and have become very involved in the work. I dont know what to do about my sexual preferences. I was bullied at school, both physically and verbally. I had my leg broken and lied to my mom about it because i was ashamed of myself for being too submissive and being a failure for not sticking up for myself. I can literally count on one hand the amount of days in high school (5 years) that went by when nothing happened to me from my bullies. Because of these experiences i became a very shy and reticent person post-high school and continued to hide alot from people my emotions and feelings and desires. I come across as quite boring if you dont know me.
I have hid something significant from my partner and now it threatens to destroy our future together. I hate myself and feel dirty. I need to talk to somebody about it. I need to know how to stop thinking in this way to prevent something happening again.

[finding my way]

Hello Lee, and welcome to the community. :) You have been carrying an enormous burden with the challenges you've been dealing with. A young person of 15 does not know enough to manage his mental health alone, and you ended up in some deep trouble. Added to that was the environment of bullying which alone would erode one's sense of self. At this site a lot of us suffer from issues growing up that we are not over with. Things that happened to us back then impact the personality that we grew into. You are welcome here, and welcome to work on your issues here. Do you currently see a therapist? I don't know enough about your situation, and we do not diagnose here, but what happened may not be a return of a psychosis so much as a return of the past that needs your attention for some resolution on the illness of past behaviors. It won't help to hate yourself. That will do nothing positive. Whatever the drivers were in your past, you do have some say over your current drivers. It will probably require some help to effect a change, but it really can happen.

PS, what are shark charities?

[leeandrew]

Thankyou for the reply.

I am not seeing any mental health specialist at the moment. The last time i saw a psychiatrist was over 18 months ago i think, but the meeting was to say that i am well enough to function as a normal person again - since that meeting i found a job, but if i lose it because of the way i am feeling right now and taking days off i dont think i will be able to find another job - not through lack of trying, just with the recession and national job losses. Its daunting, because i dont have the qualifications yet to work in the field where i'd be most happy. And other jobs are hard to come by at this time. I'd worry if i dont go to work i will lose my house aswell because i would have no source of income, but i dont feel upto dealing with the public - which is what my job requires.

I know that i am not mentally ill - at least in the same way. I do not hallucinate, i'm not paranoid or violent. I am depressed and i am obsessed with things. Which i had when i was mentally ill.
The reason i mentioned shark charities (SharkTrust.org - an organization for the conservation of sharks) is because i am finding it difficult to reconcile my 'two' seperate lives, if you will. I am practically a vegan, i want to work in conservation, i am kind and generous and i love my family and my partner and want the best for us. I am a pacifist, i am not a violent person, i cant remember the last time i shouted or were aggressive. Its difficult to accept that i have another side to me which is manipulative; i hide things - initially because of shame/embarressment, but i keep on hiding and dont talk to anyone, which creates a secret life. I am addicted to pornography, in a way by which i subscribe to sites and download the material and i wont delete it - its like i want record of my purchase - a sense of getting my moneys worth? I dont know, but i am reluctant to delete anything, and eventually i forget what i have and have in the past re-subscribed to sites that i had been a member of previously. The assumption is then that i must have a poor sex life and/or be unsatisfied with my partner, but this isnt the case. I couldnt be happier, and this is why i am confused. The obsessions are not dissimilar to those i had as a teenager - though i cant really say because i'm no expert.
Essentially i am worried that i mask my secret side with a kind, philanthropic side which i then display to people/ or vice versa. It is unsettling knowing that one day i can be really nice and loving and generous - i dont have alot of money but i still give to a charity, that seems crazy to do but it demonstrates the struggle i feel. Am i doing this out of guilt? It is a genuine want to give to this charity and i am passionate, so incredibly passionate about it that i would give my last penny to it. Whereas my partner would step in and say no - you have to think practically and look after no1 first i dont have that logic to follow when i do things like this. And on the other side of things i am really secretive and hide porn on my computer and become paranoid about it.

I have become obsessed with it and i know it is not normal - especially when i consider myself to have a good sex life with my partner. I dont know where this deep desire comes from to want to keep doing it. I am easily tempted by it. I would never ever cheat on my partner but this seems to have a hold over me like nothing else.

edit:
If i can add one more thing. It is like i am in a different state of mind when i am involved in this kind of stuff. Dont get me wrong i know what i am doing, and i am even aware of the consequences but i risk it and just dont back down. I really have a problem. The type of porn i am addicted to is not anything weird (or what i regard weird) like bondage or bestiality or fantasy - some things i just dont understand like bestiality whereas i can see why transvestite porn can appeal to some people and understand the thinking behind it. If anything i like something milder, which doesnt involve nudity or sex, i like candid videography - which in itself is secretive. And i have always been drawn to this type of porn over any other type. What my point is and what i am getting to is that i am worried because i tried to do this myself and i secretly took photos of my partners mom and posted them onto a site. And i feel utterly ashamed of it. I worry because as alluded to earlier, at the time i knew what i was doing. I know it is wrong and immoral but when i was doing it those things didnt enter into my thought processes. I need some help to rewire the way i think about things because this happened when i became obsessed with it. I have since deservedly lost everything and hate myself because i betrayed the closest people to me.

Its difficult to live knowing that i think in this way. I dont want to be obsessed with pornography. I dont know what to do in order to rid myself of these obsessions.

[finding my way]

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and tends to manage medication issues. Is it possible for you to see a psychologist? It is much healthier to have "talk therapy" along with medication and not just rely on meds. You have experienced trauma, from the bullying and from the earlier mental illness. Medication alone cannot settle the trauma you have been through. I think the person that you were when you went through those things needs attention and healing, and that's why you feel like 2 people. That part of you is saying, don't just drug me, deal with me. Don't expect yourself to handle it all yourself. I hope you can work with a therapist. You can also keep participating here. I do not think you are in danger of being taken over completely by the old you. The old you just needs your (& other's) help.

[leeandrew]

A psychologist is a good idea. I have been in contact with my old psychologist department yesterday and today, trying to arrange an appointment, i have left 2 messages on the answerphone. This is the hardest thing i've ever had to come to terms with. I thought that i was living a normal, happy life but i was doing secretive things, its a paradox because i believed everything was okay despite what i had been doing. I should have learned to be be more open with people when i was last in councelling - i guess i was in every other aspect of my life except my sexual preferences. Which i have always found embarressing. I realise that now i am paying for this. I just wish i would have been more open about things and not felt shy or been coy and evasive about subjects. I have repressed everything i like sexually and it has culminated in this activity.
I hope to hear from my psychologist tomorrow when he/she gets my messages. Until then i will try to get on with my life. But its hard now that everything has changed. I guess the hardest thing to accept is that i am the cause of all of this.

[finding my way]

yes, but you are getting help. That shows very good things about your character. So many people do not have that courage. You've had some very serious trauma in your life, as I said, and it came out in your behavior. Now you are going to address what happened and what you can do about your present day behavior. What more can a person do? Let us know how it goes for you.