on my knee's!Help plZ

[prettynlost]

Im sorry to say hi in this way!Im very close to ending it all!Only 3years ago I was earning an above average income and my friends would desribe me as bright,strong,attractive,idependant........after enduring abuse from my partner for a great many years(I didnt realize my deteriotion was due to him) and many things in my life that I coped with flying colours...I snapped when I found out about his affair by being attacked by her,that they had both bleed me finacially.......and he is still lying about it...he excellerated his abuse every second of the day reducing me to a pathetic,helpless out of control,dependant mess.2-3years on..I feel trapped and his cut me off from everyone..isolated with this abuse has me feeling Im nothing but an animal....I fear even to walk outside...he's abused me on every level and now I feel I cant leave..........I admit I reacted evetually to her and him all the mind games,lies and deciet...feeling powerless I sent crazed TXTs to her(Ive nveer done anything like that in my life and I had enough of her sending txts to my phone with love poems and porn senarios)Its like they both have wanted to destroy me....in the end I did it myself.
The problem is now I feel a shell and the last 6months Ive almost been obsessed in the whole funk,Im feeling a shell of a person,also she had stalked out all the places I went,the people I know,she'd do all I do and this caused me to withdraw and almost drop out of my whole life due to the problems/embarressment she caused me,the upset also destroyed my business.
Fed up with all the accusations of what I am,why I did something,put downs,undermining......
I dont see an escape,I dont know who I am...a girl with a strong sence of who I was to nothing..a shell with no confidence to walk out the front door and he lets me know Im a finacial burdon....follows me around teling me what a bad person I am,how stupid ect ect...theres nothing left to me!
I know I sound a nutsak ........perhaps I am now,but please advice me if this ever gets better.....am I still there?I feel flooded with what they have tried to do to me,turning me into another person I dispize.please help

[finding my way]

Hi and welcome. Is there any chance you can get yourself into therapy? You really need some healthy support to get yourself back on track. If there's any way for you to do that, I'd advise you to take that step. Yes, you can definitely feel better and heal from this; I know it doesn't seem like it now.:o

[prettynlost]

Thank you for your reply.I have been trying to seek help for the past 3 years,even the help I have recieved has not been adequate or particually helpful,Ive seen a lot advertised and on offer,but in reality there does not seem to be a lot.I have no family and my partner has manged to scare everyone else.He kept me from going outside,isolated for so long,Ive lost myself.Ive become angry,rageful,ugly neglecting and harming myself.My home became like a tomb,I pace all day.......I cant even remeber who I once was....I try and remember and fear Ive turned into this horrible person.It seems impossible to find myself again to be who I was,as so much damage has been done and ive either let it through violence/bullying or having a woman running around ruining whatever she can and suppoting my partner in this...all jeolousy based Ive realized......Im a mess,there feels like there is nothing left to me..........I may have to do this on my own.......I need to know if this is temporary,if others get to this stage...when theres no peaces to pick up anymore..just a new start with no tools to do it with.I feel ive gone crazy and have tryed to end my life recently..........

[finding my way]

You need to get out of that situation. Can you take steps to move? That is a terrible environment, and it is destroying you. I'm not sure what part of the world you're in, but check for shelters, agencies, government programs, churches, social workers, counseling centers, etc that might help. You cannot possibly lift your head up in such a setting.

[nancyannee]

Hi, I am new here too... I am so sorry about your circumstances. It is so easy to say to someone..."get out" "get help" . but NOT easy to do. I to am paralyzed to change things. so I can understand.

Suicide is NEVER the answer. it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope you know that you deserve happiness and you deserve to live a life without abuse.

Hang in there and remember although you feel alone, you are not alone. My one motto that keeps me going is "That which does not kill me makes me stronger" I really hope you find a way to reach out and get help from somewhere. Coming to a website and talking is a start. Good Luck.

nancy

[prettynlost]

Hi,thanks for all your kindness and advice,I really need it right now! You are right,most people say"get out of there"...Im for now stuck here for various reasons.......They have worked and worked on me to drag me down...and they succeeded with use of bullying/violence/manipulation and keeping me"in the dark".
I feel so far away from me right now,mainly due to the stalking and then him working on me..Im not joking every second of the day and he did everything to isolate me and have me dependant on him..I beg for $5 of my own money!I was so shocked him and her had been draining me finacially and both intending to destroy me ,when I only had good intent towards them both and gave her and him all they have today........they have twisted the story for so long trying to make me think Im the one thinking like them and it all me.....I did nothing but have pure good intent.........She decided to bombard me with the affair when she found out about my child suicide and that I was upset......he has taken so much off me with violence and bullying me..my money everything....I give up after 14years....I just want to die!I know It would be letting them win(as she had adviced him to make sure I write a will in case I take my life)but I dont care...I wish I could so much!
I know I sound weak or pathetic,but I never have been...its why its so hard for me,as Im so much the reverse normally.Its the beatings,undermining,screaming and her being able to ruin what she likes and my partner help her get away with it...............is there life after feeling your toally destroyed,a shell of a person..like your no longer human anymore?Im in Australia and lots seems to be there to help,but Ive been trying and the buck gets past or none gets back to me..........somehow Ive got to do it.........I was outgoing active...he kept me locked up so long the house looks a tomb I cannot escape or leave anymore...........I wish I could care..I must to be here deep down somewhere........
Im sorry it sounds like a feel sorry for myself session.....but Im really at the end........once highly motivated I cant get off thecouch as he would also just bully whatever I earned or had off me....I fear for my life really....unless I leave without a thing.

[prettynlost]

Thank for listening.I needed to tell someone,as Im in my room everyday wishing it would all end!Im so angry I keep harming myself by neglect est......most frightening is the perceptional change....its like they brainwashed me to be what they wanted me to be.............by years of persistance,subtlety and keeping me in the dark..they also has everyone at work thinking Im the bad guy cause I keep the business running9a biz I gave them b4 I knew)if I look at staff customers sideways he abuses me in front of them and they laugh and some complain to him just to see me in trouble with him,hence I put up with being treated like crap,if I say anything Im beaten.......years and years of it.....I could leave to a refuge if I took nothing at 39years old....but in my state I think well where from there?I have this feeling of I give up(due to him just taking everything off me,my money...everything)I fear getting lost in a refuge.or ending up homeless....I cant seem to shake the feelings of given up..Im ashamed of my victim state.......I dont want to die but I dont see a way out...just 3years ago I had a successful biz of my own,was organising doing my commercial pilotes lic.and much more....I had many friends still.......thats just 3yeas ago.....he and she didnt like that!!I just didnt realize what was going on till attacked by her one day and she's still around every day with him.....I have ugly fantasys about her...............being so independant and respected to this.......I cant stand living with me and him on my back following me around doesnt help matters..........thanks for listening to my ravings.

[finding my way]

"She decided to bombard me with the affair when she found out about my child suicide and that I was upset"

What happened, pnl?

You are in a dangerous, awful situation. Is there no one at all from family or friends to help you? If not, please consider an agency or shelter. You can always buy more stuff when you get back on track. What you need to save is your life. Even if friends and family can't help, is there someone to tell what is going on and stay in contact with?

[prettynlost]

No I have no family,as I was a state ward!He has not wanted me having friends from day one,the friends and assosiates I had he scared off or they have long given up on me avoiding them cause of my shame of my state.As he has ruined my credit rateing(Ive no credit cards)Ive no money of my own I havnt any private health insurance and the best I can get is a pshycatrist for 30mins every few weeks at a community health centre that doesnt help much.......Usually Im a pretty brave soul but I cant face a refuge.... and if I dont get a job(I wont in my state)I'l be homeless after that.......ive worked sooo hard all my life and even though my begining where rough most people would never guess.....I just cant face ending up a nothing...building up again doesnt seem possible,if I still had possesion of me Id be OK..........Im so scared of what will become of me and I just cant face being put in goverment housing,without a job.......est.......I dont want to sound snobbish or ungrateful.....I cant change who I am............I cant even interact socially anymore....I mean saying hi to someone at a shop is a big tramua,Im so embaressed and ashamed.I guess Im saying to myself just get on with it and ignore "them".......and use what I have to get out securely......I cant seem to do it!It's like my mind has now turned against me,I cant escape it or control it...........I want out...but what....Im so sorry if I sound ungrateful or pathetic...its just the way it is for me.Thanks

[prettynlost]

Hi,Im so sorry to rave on like this,however I really need help urgently.Im also wondering if I have a mental illness or my mind is reacting normally to a abnormal situation.
Please here me out,its something I never tell anyone as Id feel very embaressed.When I was 18 I was in a horrible situation of having to do what an Goverment organisation told me and if I did not I feared for my childs safety(not a delusion),this was over many years that was exhuasting and traumatic,I was not able to get angry for fear of the consequences and felt my life and my personal boundrys totally violated,within I was rageful and its like my mind turned against me then,its like I was powerless and the rage I felt turned within and I begain to harm myself...it is exactly like my mind split from my soul and became my enemy..because my mind was tierd and didnt see the point of keeping tabs on the reality,as I needed it to survive day to day instead of this going on (and because it went for so long)I begain to think I was being control telephathicly.........I always presented well and functioned well so it didnt attract attention with bizzaire behaviour.....it was a horrible experience that went on for years and I felt a strong feeling of dissociation,these weird thoughts have been with me for a long time but they have disipated the more time it has been and Ive reconized they are not real if they pop up.........however all in my life has been well except for an abusive partner and normal affects from that.......when I found out about his affair the shock from that and the threat,feelings of I have no control that I will loose everything triggered this behaviour again after 20years........the feeling of anger turned inwards and the frightening feeling of my mind not being my own and my enemy.....telling me to kill myself and it will not allow me to see anything positive,makes me neglect myself and Im tierd of fighting it 24/7........with all that has gone on as Ive told above,I feel there is no sense of me left to work with......
Im sure people are going to think Im some prank crazy...Im here cause this is whats going on,Im alone with it,I fear I'l kill myself if I cant get help......never have I been the type to want to kill myself.......Ive tried to get help and in my state Im put into the too hard basket or not taken seriously due to my presentation.It's hard to imagine from my posts but I was intellegent and very functional not that long ago............its hell every day....

[prettynlost]

[I know my post above seemed crazy!I guess what Im trying to say is I do not feel Ive any control over my own mind,my partners "stuff"witch is very real excaserbates it.........I found it hard getting help and Ive tried for 3years,when I do its inadequate,or if Im present to well and they do not hear how serious this is for me,or if Im not presenting well like recently Im to hard and refered elsewhere that refers me elsewhere.....or I fear people think I may be playing games,as normal people who do not know me think...Im not,Im genuine........my mind is trying to destroy me(as well as my partner and her)and I cant seem to stop it..........It is noticable that something is very wrong with me to other people recently now and this stops me from trying to meet people or do anything.........he keepstelling me Im insane.....I hope i havnt given you the wrong impression......I did feel some systoms that I know are phycotic when this affair thing come to light,such as I felt sensations that he was taking my thoughts,attitudes that I feel i cant'get back".......I beleive all this is from much violence from males in my life ......anyway if anyone is still willing to respond to me..is there any hope,am i goine insane for good?

[finding my way]

You do not seem insane at all to me, pnl. You seem like someone who is suffering horribly and needs help. All we can do here is offer our encouragement. I really believe that you can return to a more comfortable and successful you if you can get yourself in a more positive environment. How can that happen for you? Can you go to a church and ask for asylum?

[prettynlost]

Thank you so much for replying,I was afraid none would after reading my posts.It's hard to imagine for me,that anyone would let themselves "go"this far,I feel enormous shame...however male violence can have a devestating and powerful affect on a woman.I remmember in 1990 I tried to have my husband charged for a severe rape that affects me to this day......the police laughed at me cause he was my husband...it took a lot to get him charged!These days things are different,however young police have an attitude of Im silly enough to put up with it,then I deserve it and when Im in nonexsistant stuttering mess on the floor and he presents so charming and caring to people and says Im under a phyciatrist...well they take his side.Anyway Ive kept this secret to everyone for 14years,except in the beggining when I'd not do what Im told in public and he'd attack me,onlookers would call the police,if I'd leave he'd stalk me......I guess it's that stockholme syndrome Ive heard about....your fear becomes love for survival.
Asylum??all that is available is a refuge for a few weeks,where there is not a lot of support and your expected to get a ,job,home and leave........its an emergency housing situation...so where from there..a church will give me a number to a refuge.......all the tax money gone into advertising services Ive rang...there's in reality NOTHING!!Ive tried and tried to get help...even if i could of found just someone to talk to 2years ago Id be gone and not a mess as I am now!
It's like my personal boundrys have been violated by him and her so much,Im warn down over many years...Ive little defence to his humiliation of me and degregration......even Until my mid 30's I did modeling and could fall back on that for money....but Ive neglected myself so much and the stress,plus my age takes that away....I fear not having money and getting lost in a system.....I couldnt live with myself if that happened and he gets everything as his been smart and what i could get isnt worth the living in fear!
Please advice me?I know this is a silly ? but important to me.....will I ever feel myself again once this has past?Or have I become a weak,bitter,angry horrible person with feeling nothing to offer,when all my life Id had so much to give....I eventually felt i ws on empty....and then from there destroyed totally.she has destroyed my creditbilty with her poisonous behaviour.
My plan to find a way to make me some money and then get out,however Im finding so hard to reject his comments and hold myself ......I came her because Ive spent 4weeks in my room,almost every thought has been about ending my life,Ive placed a rope around my neck till uncouncious for"a trial",I havnt bathed,forget to eat and forget to drink till my mouth is soo dry .........I cant even hold a conversation,,,,,,its hard cuase I know this isnt me and its violence and evil people in my life I havnt invited Ive reacted too.I fight myslef constantly,I cant stand being a nothing,not contributing to life,so powerless..........it is times like this I wish I had family,.....hun theres not a lot out there in my state to help......if I still had me it wouldnt be so bad....but me seems long gone..I have no self respect or esteem,never have I neglested my apperance or hygene...its pretty bad....thanks for reading,thanks so much........

[finding my way]

Be assured, your spirit is stronger than this ocean that wants to swallow you. You are saying so yourself, by posting here that you want out. You just need a way. Find 2 steps you can take, and take them. Even if you don't think they will work out. If they don't, learn from why not. I'm so sorry you are so alone.:(

[prettynlost]

Thanks for all your support,

Wat has affected me is the damage thats been done,its almost like i havnt a personality left,except for a bitterness.Ive been that beaten down,my professional and social lihe have been ruined by bad mouthing and my eventual reaction,it would take a long long time to repair...........Im nearly 40 and 14years of this.....Ive not even my looks and ive aged so much........they havnt left me anything,then kicked me so far down it seems impossible to get back up again...im so dishearted,ashamed...not so long ago I was successful,had money,still was able to make money with my modeling,was well liked...all my life.................and i was very strong...I was soshocked by there mentality,there cruel games and i didnt see it til recent........I feel a nothing...I mean a nothing,so eateem,self respect,I look terrible,I try harm myself......is there a future?I feel i can never be what i was even just 2years ago............I dont know why i let this happen to me,perhaps the death of my little girl and the guilt I experience....its hard for someone who was so capable,strong ect to be like this...............I feel im to old to have a life now..........I tried suicide again and have burns on my neck i felt so relieved when the rope was tight and almost unconcious I started to float off in a dream like state all i could see was him,like some demon coming at me.................I dont know where to start im that far gone........if i ever again could live a satifing life........it may seem im feeling sorry for me and i am in a lot of ways...but im scared.......pls help...........can i be me again or is the damage to great and to much to repair

[finding my way]

Yes, yes, things can turn around for you:). Prettynlost, can you tell us 2 things you can try to get yourself out of that situation? We want to help you get your courage up. You are going to have to move out of there, and it's a tough step for someone who is so broken down. Make a phone call to a church or agency or shelter, and tell us how it went. The journey to your new life starts with taking a step.

[prettynlost]

Hi thanks soooo much for being there and your kindness,I need it so much!2 things...all i can think of is a refuge,but thats so temporary and where from there?I can get goverment assistance but its very small amount......God i get so angry that he will be left in a luxury unit,a businesss that earns a very good profit and he's got my life...he just let me build our life did nothing and took it over with having me live in fear of him and trying to get a few crumbs he would throw!She has also made it good because of me,she has a good income,nice car and had also gone to even the places i go out,my associates and caused me a lot of embaressment...........I wish I had a grain of what i had when i first meet him....god i do......I feel like ive become this whole nitemare and have no sence of me,towards the end i played into there hands and harmed destroyed myself,I guess i felt safe destroyed as they would have nothing to destroy and had control of the destroying,but what they did wa kick me down ,even knowing i was suicidal...they pushed they wanted me to kill myself,she even adviced him to make me write a will!It was likei was in love with this guy Id made us a good life...then one day I realized the reality after her attacks on me..........he bashed me wheni confronted him,ive always been afraid to get angry......as im bashed......so i kept quite and submitted to him..........because of this I had nowher to take my anger excerpt out on me........and they assisted ......i was so shocked,but then realized why i was already lacking confidence,why he had sabortaged all i did and ruined my credit rating ect ect.......almost 2years later Im still shocked on and i feel ive been consumed by this..............anyway all i can do is leave with nothing,to a refuge..in Sydney there all almost cronic homeless,drug addicted people there,there are very few domestic situations or "cases" in these refuges,little support and what do i do from there?Let god decide?I hoped to build another biz and then leave but at the moment ive got to admit i just cant....God i held him high and gave him the world and he does this......most frightening is that the constant critizim and undermining put downs,accusations have turned me into a person i know im not..like they dumped there crap on me and have tried to be me,even using my own morals against me......his controlling behaver i feel i dont even exist......her/him and work...what angers me is i beleive she canived this from day one due to jeolousy.....I dont know should i leave a good life materially behind for nothing to a refuge with nothing?it seems my only option.........do u think i will be me again?I couldnt live being homeless or surviving off the goverment,i fear this so much......should i just leave and give it to god..?Ive kept this secret for so long and put on a good face and just got on with it,but one day my brain fried,I saw rage and the rest is history i guess........is a person ever destroyed?Will i be able to live a life with quality?Ive shut down so much i cannot feel love,happiness,joy......I know how pathetic i sound here,but thanks so much for not judging me........no one knows until they have been though something themselves.........what happened when ther's no peices to pick up?Its dissolved to this nothingness?I feel my spirit isnt there anymore,souless...will that come back in time..pls reasure me....thanks soo much for helping through this time.....thank you!

[prettynlost]

Ive decided to go to a refuge.....God i hope im doing the right thing.I fear in my state things may be worse.......im going to pack tonite and call the refuges tommorrow.

[finding my way]

Prettynlost, your spirit is very much alive and it is calling out for help. I'm glad you are here, and keep posting, but someone near you needs to hear your cry. I know that takes courage. I wish there was a church or community that could give you safe haven. Maybe there is one. It's got to sting terribly that you'll lose your material possessions, but you are losing your life in that situation. Let someone hear your voice, and tell us how it goes for you.

[prettynlost]

hi,I know these are silly questions,but I need reasurance..and again thanks for being here with me......I need to know it is possible to be me again,I feel so far from me that i can barely remmeber who I am..it gone on soo long,nearly 2years its been very bad!My mind feels like its broken down to nothing....a person always so full and radiant...to this,Im shocked Ive become like this!Also my mind feels like it controls me,like im not in the drivers seat...it makes me do horrible things to myself,neglect myslef and run myself into the ground!A positive thought may come through and my mind will rubbish it...............if I hadnt been stalked,hence forcing me to withdraw from everything in my life I could of kept busy...but he takes eveything off me i see no point in acheiving anything and fear ive been idle for so long i cant be the me i once was...he just followed me around every second was a put down or something till he made me feel so bad I talked myself into it too.....I need reasurance that I can live the quality of life I always have!is it normal to feel ones mind is in control of them and feel u have no control over this?when he's around it makes me want to harm myself.........Im so shocked this has happened to me....anyway im trying to find somewher to go today...........Il let u know how it goes....thanks so much!

[finding my way]

Your positive self has been unable to emerge in the toxicity you've been living in. You will feel positive again when your circumstances turn around. You might even wonder how you stood it for as long as you did.

Keep us posted!!

[kaudio]

Hi prettynlost, I agree with finding that you should distance yourself from this husband of yours. From what I gather, you have been abused by this man and his mistress for quite a while now, and you have recently taken some steps in considering suicide. But, as Mark often says, living well is the best revenge. Should you ever take similar steps to commit suicide again, please check into the nearest hospital emergency ward, tell them you are contemplating suicide, and that you are afraid you will act on these thoughts.

Clearly, you are suffering a great deal from your domestic situation. To realize that you must change your circumstances, but that such changes may involve accepting a lower standard of living would be difficult to accept for most people. Additionally, to contemplate such changes because of domestic abuse, as in your case, could easily be infuriating. However, as you already appreciate, prettynlost, you need to leave the abusive environment created by your husband and his mistress before you can properly sort your thoughts and bring your personal affairs back in order.

Should you find a shelter to stay in, you can take the time to seek out counseling to begin work on getting your finances back into control, and perhaps some legal counsel, specifically for the abuse you have experienced and to revise your will to the way you want. Also, there may be some legal recourse for you concerning your business. I strongly suggest you raise these issues with a legal counselor when you have had some time to settle in at a shelter. Most community legal associations feature some form of low cost or free legal counseling. There may be counseling services offered by the shelter you find as well. If your husband stalks you at the shelter, call the police, inform them that you are being stalked by your abusive husband at the shelter, and ask that they talk to him to get him to leave.

Alongside financial and legal counseling, this is also a good opportunity to seek out the psychological therapy you need to help you through these difficult times. As finding points out, you may be surprised at how much a human can endure. But, there are some very real steps you must take before you can appreciate this for yourself, and the road to recovery will take some time.

My condolences for the loss of your daughter.

Your thoughts are always welcome here.

[prettynlost]

Thank you for all your advice and kindness,also I appreciate how you have not judged me!
Refuge placements go quickly and the refuges available to me are not very nice places at all,in some ways I think id be better off in my luxury unit,with my own room trying to ignore him till Im together enough to leave,but these days when i see him all I see is a horrible man who has abused ,used and lied to me..he had conned me for allthese years.
There is little or no support in these places,as most are just for chronic homeless and badly mentily ill people,they have 2 people working per shift that dont really care,I know someone who used to work in them,telling me they would just shut there office door to them!
So tonite Ive made the step to walk away,I have nothing but $200 in my pocket and crdit debts up to my ears,Ive no confidence,self repect and ive been abused that badly that its like im possessed...by that I mean he has dumped so much of her and his inadequicies on me,that I could take no more and now even think like the person they have tried to make me beleive I am!
Is this normal?To be even thinking and acting like the person they try and make u beleive you are....such as telling me im a idiot so often I now think lkie one,telling me im so ugly Ive neglected myself and lost my looks,telling me I did things for sinister reasons when i did them with the best of motivations..now i think sinster cauz they have told n told me so often.Ive been that frightened in doing anything for my self Ive stopped functioning at all.It like they brainwashed me.......I cant think my own thoughts.I handed my power over to them for some peace,thinking if they had wat they wanted my distruction Id be left alone..I stopped paying bills,even going to the local shop....cause iwas the only resposible one...now he pays the bills and accuses me of being irrisposible......now i abuse him the last few days caling him a liar con artist..he waves his hands and says just go away your scum,or puts his ear phones on.......and then tells her.
Well pls let me know if this brainwashing affect can be reversed?

Ive not even a once of cobfidence nothing,but im going..am i doing the right thing?

[ASchwartz]

Hello Prettynlost,

We have no way of knowing if you have a mental illness or not. However, I notice that you are aware that there is lots of help in Australia and that is true. I want to suggest that you do the following:

Go to the local hospital emergency room and let them know that you are having suicidal thoughts and that you are afraid that you will hurt yourself. Believe me, they will take you seriously and will take good care of you.

Please do not wait and do this immediately so that you can get help. Let the hospital deal with the issue of your being abused and with the question of mental illness.

Allan