nancyannee
03-17-2009, 10:17 AM
Hello. I am a 41 year old mother and grandmother. I have been diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolarII with psychosis.
I sought out help over a year ago, got into therapy, got on meds...the whole nine yards. I missed 2 appointments and was released from my doctor about 5 months ago. asking for help was a MAJOR thing. I DON"T venture out. I don't have friends. I don't go to the doctor. I deal with this all alone. It is very hard to hang on anymore.
I was adopted into a family of 4 boys when I was an infant. My mother adopted me to replace an infant girl that died nine months earlier...I was told...you were wanted by us we picked you out...I heard...you were given up. your birth mother did not want you....I never remember being told. I just always seemed to know. I always felt alone and separate from them. My earliest memories are all gone. My memories began when I was 13.
When I was 10 I was attacked in the woods by several neighborhood bullies. I suppressed these memories until my early 20's. When the some of the memories came back along with them came the visions, hallucinations(both auditory and olfactory) strange thoughts and beliefs. I never told anyone the truth. My family(parents and siblings) just call me "crazy" and wrote me off. My husband and children know without a doubt I have mental illness issues, but refuse to admit I need professional treatment. They did not like what the meds did to my personality.....although they did help with some of my problems.
I currently take care of my elderly Mother and disabled husband. Neither of which thinks I need to go to another doctor. I am so tired of feeling watched all the time. The feeling of being hunted never leaves me. I rarely watch TV because I am sick of the feeling it is directed to me. Logically I know it is not....but I FEEL like it is talking to me. I believe the government is tracking me and monitoring my progress. And yes, I do believe that aliens from other planets exist and monitor us as well...
The last time I sought out help, I walked into my local ER and just asked...it was not that bad. I sat in the ER for 13 hours and finally I was admitted to an inpatient facility for four days and placed on meds. I was not honest about all my symptoms. I know I need professional help. I am getting the courage up. I just hope it does not come too late. I understand and believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would never end my own life. However, it is all I can think about. the intrusive thoughts are so overwhelming I am scared that I will start to believe it is the only answer.
I sought out help over a year ago, got into therapy, got on meds...the whole nine yards. I missed 2 appointments and was released from my doctor about 5 months ago. asking for help was a MAJOR thing. I DON"T venture out. I don't have friends. I don't go to the doctor. I deal with this all alone. It is very hard to hang on anymore.
I was adopted into a family of 4 boys when I was an infant. My mother adopted me to replace an infant girl that died nine months earlier...I was told...you were wanted by us we picked you out...I heard...you were given up. your birth mother did not want you....I never remember being told. I just always seemed to know. I always felt alone and separate from them. My earliest memories are all gone. My memories began when I was 13.
When I was 10 I was attacked in the woods by several neighborhood bullies. I suppressed these memories until my early 20's. When the some of the memories came back along with them came the visions, hallucinations(both auditory and olfactory) strange thoughts and beliefs. I never told anyone the truth. My family(parents and siblings) just call me "crazy" and wrote me off. My husband and children know without a doubt I have mental illness issues, but refuse to admit I need professional treatment. They did not like what the meds did to my personality.....although they did help with some of my problems.
I currently take care of my elderly Mother and disabled husband. Neither of which thinks I need to go to another doctor. I am so tired of feeling watched all the time. The feeling of being hunted never leaves me. I rarely watch TV because I am sick of the feeling it is directed to me. Logically I know it is not....but I FEEL like it is talking to me. I believe the government is tracking me and monitoring my progress. And yes, I do believe that aliens from other planets exist and monitor us as well...
The last time I sought out help, I walked into my local ER and just asked...it was not that bad. I sat in the ER for 13 hours and finally I was admitted to an inpatient facility for four days and placed on meds. I was not honest about all my symptoms. I know I need professional help. I am getting the courage up. I just hope it does not come too late. I understand and believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would never end my own life. However, it is all I can think about. the intrusive thoughts are so overwhelming I am scared that I will start to believe it is the only answer.