I dont know what to do anymore..

[ntmyslf1985]

Hi my name is Keith. I am an electronics technician currently holding a position with a security company servicing fire and security systems. I have been going through some trying times here lately and a few days ago i just snapped. I woke up a few mornings ago and got ready for work. I already felt something was wrong. On the drive to work i just felt like busting out in tears but i didnt because i knew i had to go to work so i needed to keep my composure. When i got to work i walked in the building it was like everyone was concentrated on me. I felt really nervous and out of place. As i was filling my paperwork out the first ? came, Keith are you ok? I told them i was fine. Not 3 min late the same question but different person. I ignored them. Then again with the question. I felt so irritated, pissed, scared all kinds of mixed emotions, and i snapped. I said NO!! IM NOT FINE SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I grabbed my paperwork and took off. I was heading to my first call of the day and just broke down crying. I called my wife to see if she could calm me down and it helped but just a little bit. She advised that I come home. Then I got the phone call from work to go home and get some rest. So I turned around to drive home. As i was driving home all i could think about was ending my misery...I was having a panic attack. I felt like i was going to die and maybe that wouldnt have been a bad thing. But then i remembered the misery I would cause others. This is just a story of one of many episodes. I cant sleep, I have no appetite, and I avoid family activities or hanging out with my friends. I am at a complete loss. I have felt deppressed for years but I have kept everything bottled up. I could type for hours if I was to tell all. But anyways just getting this little bit off my chest feels good.

[malign]

Welcome, Keith. I understand exactly what you mean about keeping things bottled up. The thing is, eventually you reach a limit; everyone has one. So I'd be surprised if you didn't eventually snap.

But that's not a character flaw. It's just you warning yourself that you can't keep doing the bottling up thing indefinitely.

So now it's time to look at what else you can do. What do you think about seeing a therapist, or talking to clergy, or any of the other options that exist? Can you talk to your wife, or someone in your family? It can be hard opening up to people who are close, but you might find that they've just been waiting for you to tell them what's wrong.

Regardless of what you choose to do in-person, though, if talking on here helps, by all means keep doing it. There's plenty of people here who understand, and are listening.

[IamLove]

Sometimes we just have meltdowns. Sometimes we are not rested enough, we are not nourished enough and our bodies just rebel against the abuse.... There are proactive ways to reign-in some of this, write down a list of 3 goals... 1st a health goal... get more rest, eat better, walk more, etc..
(next time a panic attack like this occurs try either a good hot shower at home, or a short bout of physical activity (like a walk- this is like the saying parents use... if your heart is gonna race, give it a good reason to-but the real goal is the rush of the "feel" good hormones in your body). 2nd a relationship goal... work at expressing emotion more, call family more often-keep in touch, etc.. 3rd personal goal.... more "me" time.... more time listening to music, enjoying nature..etc... How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out in the shower... It's extra cleansing.... With these goals-create rewards.... You will find your way much easier when you have directions....... Love, peace, resilience... Attitude depends on gratitude.
Be thankful.... even for silence, even for the choas that reminds us how good it feels to "be" in the moments of peace.....:) You feel happier right now... be thankful.....fully enjoy it.... now you know what you can do, In any moment.... look for the happiness in each moment and conciously be thankful. (Even when all seems good, one could choose to look for something bad; no matter how small it may be... choose to do the opposite when faced with the bad). Focus on it..... and know that words are powerful... a thought sends a signal that causes your body to react... speaking commands does the same... You say I am tired.... so your body will cause you to be... So remember to say in the dark times... I am ok, this too shall pass..... all is as it should be..... I am.....

[ASchwartz]

Hi Keith,

"Iamlove" and Malign have given you some good ideas. By the way, I want to welcome you and Iamlove to our website.

Keith, it is possible that you are experiencing of depression of one type or another. I really want to urge you, along with Malign, to seek psycotherapy and have yourself evaluated. If your company has an EAP they can get you started on the road to recovering. Yes, this can be scary but depression and anxiety are very treatable and you can return to feeling better.

What are your thoughts about this and what does your wife think?

Allan

[nancyannee]

Keith, I am sorry you are suffering. I too am new to this site and find it helpful to look for support here. I hope you are okay and things get easier for you to handle. Bottling up your feelings is never good and can only cause you pain. I hope you feel better soon....

[ntmyslf1985]

1st I wanted to say thanks to those who are throwing Ideas and suggesstions on the table. Its nice to be able to communicate with people with similar issues. I have started getting help. I have had my 3rd session today. It is really nice to talk to someone with no worries. I can see this making a difference with me. My doctor prescribed me a few things to help. Prozac and Trazedone. So I shall sit back and think about all this great feedback I am getting both from this website and my Doctor. Thanks again..:)

[mscat]

Hi Keith,
I am very glad that you started going to therapy. I hope the best for you! Keep posting on here as well! Were here to support you and offer great advice too :)