is anyone out there that can help with my ocd?

[tearshine]

hi there, this is my first ever post and if someone responds that would be so good. im a 20 year old female with extremley severe ocd. it didnt just happen overnight so i cant say exaclty when it started but maybe from when i was 15, and then everyday since then it has got noticibly worse and now my life is torture. i have all the classic symtoms and then some. all i can think about every seconed of the day is germs and dirt and weather im covered in them or not. i wash everything, including my hands constantly, hate public places, only leave the house when absolutley necassary and i had to give up my job as a checkout operator because i couldnt bear to touch money, + doorknobs and pens and things. im in my third year of university but i dont know if i can keep it up because its so hard and im very depressed. first of all my sister got ocd when she was 13 and i didnt understand what was wrong with her. ive only just very recently admitted to myself that i had ocd, even though my family recognised it because of my sister. i didnt want to admit it because i didnt want my family to think of me differently, i couldnt explain to them that i was the same person as before except that my mind had begun to work very differently and my mind decided what i had to think about, such as my obsessions, rather than myself choosing what i thought about like other people could. (or the way i was before) i finally saw a psychiatrist for the first time recently, who suggested the usual medication and therapy, but i dont think ill go back. because the thing that worries me the most is that on some level i dont want to cure my ocd. on another level my dearest wish is to be free of it. but i just dont want to become the dirty, germy person i was before now that i "realise" how important being clean is. i also dont think i can unlearn my learned behaviour because i liken it to trying how to unlearn how to read. no body could make themsleves forget how to read - even if they tried their hardest and really, really wanted to. im a rational person but i realise the thing i want most is to want to want to cure my ocd. im finding that ocd is in this way the cruelest trap that anyone could fall into. no body that doesnt have it could possibly understand the catch that it is. but if you do or you think you have some advise for me or can just even relate that would be an enormous releif. i dont want to depress anyone im sorry if i do . i also want to help my sis too coz i cant bear to see her suffer. so thanks everyone, from tearshine

[malign]

It's true, no one can unlearn how to read.

But if reading is taking all your time, energy, and self-esteem, can you choose not to read, at least not all the time, even though you still know how?

And yes, that means it's your choice to obsess, or not to, and you'll have to keep choosing for the rest of your life, now that you know "how to obsess". But like the obsession itself, it will gradually take less of your consciousness to make that decision, once there's a life to replace it with.

Please give the therapist, and whatever they recommend, a chance to work. After all, it will always be your choice, if you still want to go back after you've tried. You won't have forgotten how.

[nancyannee]

I don't have OCD, but I can relate to certain behaviors over taking your life. If there is something in your life that is all consuming and takes away from your normal activities, work and such. you could only be better off if you find a way to help stop those feelings and actions.

You may not want to stop, but it sounds like you know it would be better if you did. You sound very smart and I hope you find the courage to make the changes you need to improve your life.

good luck and remember you are not alone.:)

[pokets]

Hi

Just really wanted to say ur not alone, i also suffer from ocd, and i find it exhausting both mentally n physically, i live in a 1 bedroom flat on my own, i clean (this involves bleaching everything ) at least 3 times a day, more if someone comes round as u dont know wot they bring in with them, i bath twice a day and wash clothes even if they have only been on for a short while. I carry round a antibacterial hand spray so wen i go out i can still clean my hands if i come into contact with anything. I strongly recommend that u carry thru seeking help for ur ocd, i am currently just starting to talk things thru with my cpn, and i see my psych in a week to talk these things thru. It may not get rid of it altogether but just to have a breather wud be nice.
I wish u well and hope u find help ad support for urself
jo x

[tearshine]

thankyou everyone for replying. jo - it was so nice for you to share your story with me - makes me feel that im not alone in the world. i completley empathise with you - and your so so lucky to live on your own where you can control everything. i live with my parents who dont go out of their way to make life any easier. do you find living on your own makes life more bearable? my parents say if i lived on my own i would become a hermit but i dont think this is so.

[pokets]

I do find living on my own more bearable, but like ur parents say it is easy to become socially isolated because of the ocd, which i have become. I have suffered from this for years, right from being about 14 and i am now 36, it has been in varying degrees, i bought up 2 children which drove me mad (love them both dearly tho) but i cudnt cope with them wanting toys out or playing around with things which in my mind messed things up and put them out of order, i used to bleach and disenfect there toys at the end of everyday, as they got older if they wanted a sandwhich or something, i wud panic coz i wud of just cleaned the kitchen (sad) so instead of encouraging them to make things for themselves etc i wud jump in and do it, just so i knew they wudnt make a 'mess' this was a very hard existence still is, and it does effect ur social links. this is why i urge u know to seek out help now. So u can work thru things and live a more bearable life.
jo xx