Hello There!

[SirJoseph]

Hello There,

I'm not even sure if doing this is right, I have never gone looking for advice before and it's clear there are people on here with more serious and concerning issues. But I guess it wouldn't hurt asking for some advice on a few matters that have and still affect my life badly. I suspect this will be quite long so you have been warned.

Well my names Joseph, 20 years old and from England. I'm not even sure where to begin really, when I first ran into this site and reading some of the posts about I had my first thread all planned out but now I'm actually writing it, well my mind as gone all over the place. I've fought asking advice for my issues because I've always felt they were just 'growing up' issues such as teenage moaning or teenage moods. But I guess I should begin, well I'm now 20 and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 11. Though I suspect I've had it since I was even younger, we just called them growing pains. Now I've done my best to try and not allow my arthritis affect my life to badly and I know there are those out there who probably have it worse and are doing perfectly fine so I hate myself for feeling the way I do.

But ever since my arthritis as always played apart in my life, I spend almost 8 months out of Secondary School being thrown from hospital to hospital until I was finally diagnosed probably. Since then I have suffered from spells of depression, though even now I feel stupid calling it that. My image of depression as always been much worse, though I did suffer serious fits and attacks in those 8 months. I do not suffer such issues now but I have spells each month where simply watching the News on TV or something small things can really get me down and it can be pretty bad. I have never gone for help as I don't think it's bad enough for any medication or medical help, but it as affected my life badly.

I'm not social at all, though strangely I have never truly wanted to be. The image of being sociable here in England is usually people my age going out and getting drunk at nightclubs. Maybe that is stereotypical but I have always had issues with crowds and social situations, for example in my only year in 6th form College (a part of the Secondary School) there was a general room and stupidly we weren't allowed to leave school grounds so we were all forced to stay in this room when not in lessons. Well I was social in that I would speak with friends I had known for a good few years though when a crowd sat around I found myself both uncomfortable and not happy. I never wanted to be part of it though, it's hard to describe it but I grew to not like people and eventually never went there and would just leave the school grounds when I wanted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my main issue with social situations as always been a real lack of confidence and the fact that I find it hard to like people, partly because to often folks are two faced and I find them unpleasant to be around. Don't take that as me thinking I'm better then everyone else, in fact it's very much the opposite.

I guess I have always hated how a lot of folks my age always knew what exactly their future would bring. For example at one point my secondary school asked us all to write down which college we were going to and which university, to my amazement a lot of my fellow pupils knew exactly what they were doing, while I had and still don't have any idea. I never knew what I wanted to be or what I wanted to study and I think it did affect my education. I also know I have a lack of confidence in myself, for example if I did a nice piece of drawing or painting in an Art Class I would still hate it because I always knew there was some kid in my class who could do better, that is a issue I have hated forever now, not sure what it exactly is but I don't feel I'm good at anything.

I guess there is also part of me which is very insecure, for instance I would see folk my own age walking about so confidently and knew exactly what they were doing, it would often get me down. I technically shouldn't feel this way as I have a very good family around me, though my older sister hasn't always helped me. I have always felt somewhat useless, I have always enjoyed my own company and I honestly don't think that will ever change. I guess I've always felt as if I'm the only one who suffers such issues, especially when you see such confident youngsters getting drunk and chatting up anyone they can see, I choose not to drink though as I am on painkillers. I guess it's worth mentioning that at one point I had arthritis, acnes all over my body, braces and often a walking stick when in great pain. As you can image that won't fill anyone up with any confidence. Though I no longer wear braces and my acne is all but cleared up. Writing this I find it hard to give it a specific issue, and I know there are people in more need then I out there. But I could do with some advice which might help along the way, a few years back I realised that you need to be happy and if what your doing doesn't make you happy then it's not worth doing.

This thread might read all sorts of confusing as I have found it hard to explain, maybe my issues are just caused by being 20 and that I'm simply finding it hard to handle. But I want to live a happy life, I don't want to be a millionaire and I don't want to be a World president or anything. I'd just like to be normal to be honest and I haven't felt normal for... well since I was small. Maybe I will be able to explain my issues more clearly in the days to come, hopefully fate as some use for me in the years to come.

Thanks for reading this and appriate any advice you might have.
Joseph. :D

[nancyannee]

Joseph, having RA is very hard. My husband suffers from this and it CAN lead to severe depression. talking to your doctor about being depressed can only help. Good luck and I hope things get better for you in the future..

nancy

[kaudio]

Hi Joseph, thank you for your post. I gather that you find your peers to be full of confidence. I can relate to your post as I too brought up a similar concern to a tutor while studying. In response, the tutor promptly asked, “on what basis do you believe that you know that your peers know what they are doing?” At the time, I sheepishly replied that I did not. But, as I later learned for myself, and what may be relevant to your case today, was that my lack of confidence was a source of great personal misery.

As an undergraduate, I felt intimidated when asked to interact with the class during discussions. I feared that I would be judged in some way or that my arguments would somehow be insufficient. I also shared your thoughts that my peers all knew what they were doing while I seemed to drift. Yet, these thoughts of mine, and perhaps yours as well, were simply fears. There was no real evidence to support my conclusions that everyone knew what they were doing, and there certainly was no evidence to support that my classmates judged my character entirely on my arguments. Those who would judge classmates based on little to no evidence will do so regardless of what anyone does, and such people are best ignored.

But, the point I wish to make is that actions are the best means to build confidence. Coming back to my own experience, I began to make a point of participating in discussions. Eventually, I became more comfortable expressing myself to small groups, and I learned that the points I picked up from readings were also appreciated by the professor. This demonstrated to me that I could argue in person, and that what I did to prepare for those arguments helped build my confidence up. Essentially, I stopped thinking about what others thought of me, and I focused on making sound, valid arguments.

Thus, from my own experience, I believe there is some truth to the Buddhist saying that doubt is like a poison to the mind. That lack of confidence I am sure everyone experiences to some extent throughout life becomes a poison if we allow our fears to take hold. Even if a group of people commits the same actions throughout the day, those who doubt themselves will likely feel miserable compared to those who do not. However, and thankfully, just as it is easy to succumb to doubt, the cure is to simply focus on the real, physical actions that bring our projects and goals closer to completion.

In your case, if you feel that your peers seem to know what they are doing, perhaps that should be a signal for you to take some steps to figure out what you wish to do. Call or visit faculty offices of various disciplines for seminars about their respective job opportunities. More often than not, faculty offices feature plenty of bulletin posters and advertisements for job opportunities and contests related to their respective fields of study. Also, student unions tend to offer counseling services which can give you details about job fairs and special events held by the different faculties.

Additionally, Getting Things Done, by David Allen, submits that people need to focus on defining their goals and next actions in order to bring out their best efforts. You may find the book to be of some use. Here is a link to a book review (http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/magazine/17-01/mf_self_help?currentPage=1) of GTD along with a few others.

Welcome to the community, Joseph. I hope this helps.

[SirJoseph]

Thanks for the help and info. I greatly appriate it.

I'm currently looking into some helpful books and such. I know part of me wants to look deeply into Rheumatoid Arthritis but everytime I look at Wikipedia or some other site I quickly turn it off because it so easily gets me down, I don't think I'll ever understand it fully and I know to this day that when I was diagnosed the doctors hardly told me anything about it, though I was 11.

I don't think I'll ever understand everything, my future scares me and I believe it's partly down to my arthritis as I worry it could get worse as I grow older. It's also such an odd condition, as it's almost invincible to anyone who looks at a sufferer. It worries me for many reasons, be it if I ever become a parent or just being a normal adult.... I don't know. I know I'm a total worrier but I've never been able to switch that off.

Thanks for the advice.

[kaudio]

In Rule #1, by Phil Town, a book about investing in equities, Town offers some considerations that ordinary people can make in their investment decisions to minimize the risks that normally entail investments in stocks. The core of his message is that even if you know enough about a company to say that it is a good one, the market can still value the company downwards, lowering the stock price, and one's portfolio value with it. But, Town offers to the reader an alternative. An option to help oneself from allowing the market to hurt a good portfolio. The core message of this alternative is summed up very well within the following passage:

There's a story about a student who'd been training in a monestary for many years to be a monk. One day his teacher came into his cell carrying a gnarly walking cane and said, 'You've done well, my son. You have only one last test to pass. I will return in one day. If you pass the test you will become a monk and join our order as a brother. If you fail it, I'll beat you senseless with this stick.' Before the student could ask what the test was, the monk walked out and locked the door. The student had nothing to do but sit in his cell and ponder his final test.

The next day his teacher returned carrying the stick and said, 'Well?' And before he could say another word, the student leaped to his feet and grabbed the stick. The teacher smiled and said, 'Welcome, brother.'

This is not to encourage you to pick up investing as a hobby, but do feel free to explore it if you wish :). But, the point is that when you are worried about a situation in your life, you can tell that the metaphorical stick is coming. Everyone is like the student in the above passage. As Town illustrates with the story of the student, the only option left to each of us in the face of our worries is to “grab the stick”.

Thus, even though reading about RA gets you down, the information contained within that Wikipedia entry may give you some clues as to how to reduce its symptoms and improve your daily quality of life. As a suggestion, perhaps you may finish the entry by reading it in segments?