HELP! Porn issues w/fiance

[PinkPolkaDot]

Hi, I am 25 years old and 6 months away from my wedding day.

Now, I am unsure if I should even marry this person.

About 6 to 9 months ago I was cleaning out files, etc on my computer when I noticed an abundance of pornographic sites in the web history. Looking closer I realized these were not what I would consider "typical"...they were largely "she-male" fetish sites and several hard core anal or rape sites. I was completely stunned and devestated. I didnt know what to think...
I approached my fiance and told him what I had found. I asked him why those sites? Is he gay? Bisexual? He told me that wasn't it at all and he didnt know why, he just "came across" those sites. I told him I was beyond uncomfortable with this type of material. I have never had any problems with his viewing porn now and again so long as it was normal, heterosexual porn (nothing too extreme, degrading, etc.) He said he understood and that it would not happen again.
I have found these same sites several times now and we have continued to fight about it. I keep telling him that these things make me physically sick to my stomach, that I can not stay with him if this is something he will continue to do, that it makes me feel inferior, undesirable. How can I compete when these are things that will never be a part of our sexual relationship???
I should also mention that for about the last year or more our sex life has gotten pretty minimal and I'm wondering if this is related? Is he addicted to porn? What can I do? I love this man and I want to be with him but I feel like I have no choice but to leave him! Aside from the sites he is viewing I have found a CD case filled with more than 50 porn DVDs. I think he is obsessed or addicted. I dont know what to do!! Please help me!

[Proverbs31:28]

My personal, non-professional opinion is that he has already made it clear to you this desire, habit, hobby, whatever is more important to him than safeguarding your feelings. He knows how it makes you feel, he agrees not to do it but still does. He has shown himself to be untrustworthy and inconsiderate. From my experience with a husband (NOW ex-husband) addicted to porn, these attitudes WILL spill over into other areas of the relationship. You will either continue to fight over and over about this issue or you will become complacent, if not accepting, of it. Should you choose to ignore the behavior, he will feel empowered in that he now knows he simply has to wait you out. Pornography is a slippery slope. It obviously fills some emotional or physical need for him or he would not continue. What is that need? How will you meet it? Do you even want to meet it? If not, are you willing to be in a marriage in which he fills his needs in this manner? What is your "line in the sand" so to speak? If you allow this type of porn, how much worse will it be allowed to get before you do feel degraded? Is this a trait you would value in a husband? In a father? Should you have children with him, what does it teach your children that their father openly engages in this behavior?

I am probably not the best person to answer this as I have my own horrible history with the effects of porn. I can assure you he is probably already engaged in way more than you are aware of and, if he isn't, he will be soon. Once one media loses its luster and allure, he will move onto another.

At the very least some serious pre-marital counseling is a necessity. However, know that, if you enter into a marriage knowing this is the type of behavior he engages in, you really have no right to complain about it later!

[DaveInOz]

I have never had any problems with his viewing porn now and again so long as it was normal, heterosexual porn (nothing too extreme, degrading, etc.).

Please don't misunderstand my post. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, fundamentally without knowing the other side of things, I can really only offer my interpretation of your post. Though that's not based on any form of professional guidance.

I would like to say that you've got every right to feel this way. But on the same token and respect your partner also has a right to do what he wants. I think that may highlight a bit of a control issue here.

Your about to get married and in any healthy relationship both people should be able to express their inner thoughts to each other.

Although I'm not condoning your fiancés actions, I can in some ways understand why he would want to hide this from you. You made it clear that any porn niches that deviates from your acceptable standards of heterosexuality, are what you class as sick and twisted.

You've basically told him that he's sick and twisted for wanting to view this type of porn.

Is it really such a shock that he's go to ground on this? I don't think you've given him any other choice but to hide this from you.

To put another slant on this...What's normal and acceptable to one person is not always viewed as normal to another. Granted this may go outside of the boundaries that this catch phrase was founded on, but I guess it's all relative really.

On another flip of the coin, not everyone that wants to get married are always compatible either. Speaking sexually, If the needs of one partner are not being met by the other then it's obviously going to cause issues.

Speaking of...Have you approached or asked him why your "sex life has gotten pretty minimal"?

Although it's possible that his sexual needs are not being met, it's also possible that the trust factor in your relationship has gone out the window.

You mention "I have found a CD case filled with more than 50 porn DVDs". So now your snooping on him.

How would you feel about him invading your personal space and snooping on you? None too happy I'd surmise!

Meaning that from what I'm reading there is a lot of mistrust and resentment flying around in this relationship.


Anyway as I see it right now, you both need to sit down and talk this out in a non confrontational, non judgemental and sincerely honest manner. If that's not possible without it escalating into a screaming match, then as Proverbs suggested organise some "pre-marital counselling".

In my honest opinion until this happens your not only basing your thoughts on speculations but your also constructing a dangerous wall between yourself & your partner. Which can only alienate things further between the two of you on many other interpersonal fronts.



Cheers

:)

Dave

[PinkPolkaDot]

Hi Dave!
First off let me just say thank you for your reply, I appreciate the input & perspective. Now...

Speaking of...Have you approached or asked him why your "sex life has gotten pretty minimal"?


I have tried on numerous occasions to discuss the issue. He basically shuts down refusing to admit there is a problem. I have planned romantic nights, spent $ on sexy lingerie, spruced things up with props, toys, etc and nothing seems to help. These are all things that were successful for us in the past. For years we enjoyed a great sex life.

You mention "I have found a CD case filled with more than 50 porn DVDs". So now your snooping on him.

How would you feel about him invading your personal space and snooping on you? None too happy I'd surmise!


Actually, I wasn't snooping. The CD case was left in the desk drawer in our dining room. Common space, where he knows I also keep things. Which brings out another problem. We have a 7 year old daughter, not exactly a great place to keep these things.


Is it really such a shock that he's go to ground on this? I don't think you've given him any other choice but to hide this from you.


My feeling is that if these are the types of behaviors he enjoys and is not truly willing to give up (or is incapable of it) then that should have been expressed when we discussed it. Maybe he does think these things are okay, clearly I do not. This does not give him the right to lie to my face and then sneak around behind my back. How would he feel if that was reversed? Some people in this world believe cheating is okay while their partners do not. Is it okay for them to cheat behind their partners back because they've made it clear it is unacceptable to them? He absolutely had another choice: he should have been honest and said it was a behavior he would continue. Yes, that likely would mean the end of our relationship. It may not have been a choice he liked but it was still a choice!!!

[JustTrying]

I see major problems up ahead..... The porn and the Trust issue.

Fantasies are just that. My husband often "Talks" about things he would like to do. And we have great sex... but we do not "DO" the things he talks and thinks about. But the mind is a powerful thing. I listen to him "TALK" and i respond in ways that he wants to hear... but like I said it is just a mind thing. I enjoy reading adult books... and I like the way that makes me feel.. however , I do not want to do those things...

Not sure if that makes sense.....

JT

[DaveInOz]

Hi PinkPolkaDot,

Would you mind telling me how long you two have been together?
Your mention that you have a 7 year old daughter, is your finance the father?

I get the feeling that although you are getting married soon, you have been in a defacto relationship with this guy for a while now, yes/no?

Back in 1963/4 a British TV program (the first reality show) was aired. It was called Seven Up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Up!

Its aim was to watch the progress of a group of 7 year olds (14 children total) grow up. The selection was taken from 4 separate group classes. Every 7 years this group of children were interviewed.

My point to all this is...I think the reason they re-visited these children and adults is because of the '7 year itch', that's a time when people's perspective of life seems to take a different direction.

As an example...Think about what you liked & held important when you were 14, then 21. Now transpose this to the present. Have these likes and ambitions changed for you?

Then it's also likely that what your finance held important has also changed too. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his true and honest feelings with you. He maybe feeling all sorts of feelings and doesn't know where to start. Maybe he wants to tell you but doesn't want to endure your confrontational approach to things. I don't know, I don't him.

If I can offer any advice it would be to seek out counselling. There are some pretty BIG issues here.

I can feel your frustrations PPD.

There seems to be so many layers to this that I don't think there is going to be a simple solution, even if there is a solution at all - least one that keeps a future marriage.
However IMHO trying to come to grips with what to do here isn't the answer.

It's good to talk things out...However maybe your partner wont open up or even go to counselling. But I think either way you need to seek out some professional help for yourself and your own peace of mind and sanity.



Cheers

:)

Dave

[PinkPolkaDot]

Would you mind telling me how long you two have been together?
Your mention that you have a 7 year old daughter, is your finance the father?

I get the feeling that although you are getting married soon, you have been in a defacto relationship with this guy for a while now, yes/no?


We have been together for 6 years next month. No, he is not the father of my daughter.

We have continued to talk and fight about this but I do feel that we have made some headway. He has agreed to seek counseling and we will also be doing couples therapy. He has moved out in the meantime.

Thank you to all for your help, support, and suggestions. I truly appreciate it!