New here and depressed

[jamiecake2]

I just wanted to introduce myself my name is Jamie and I will be 28 in April. I have two children 5 and 3.5, girl and boy. And I'm suffering from clinical depression have been for most of my life. In 1994 my father committed suicide. This was brought on by a very fast bought with major depression. The suicide of course changed my life forever and for the worst. I've tried to think of myself as a survivor, but it made things so bad. My mother became a heroin addict my sister is homeless most of the time. And I'm stable but depressed. I feel I should have nothing to be depressed about because of my security. But there are so many unhappy thing going on right now.

I feel worthless and guilt about not ever amounting to much. I've been with the same job for going on 8 years working with people who have developmental dissabilities (severe). I can't stand it anymore plus I work third shift and hate it. I make no money it's paycheck to paycheck and it's not streching anymore. My boyfriend who I've been with for 8 years is very hardworking produce manager who really does not make enough either. I wanted to go back to college but can't for three more years because my kids will then be in school. I'm working part time also.

I just feel lonely no one is around. I have made a choice to be here always for my children and to never do what my father did to me. I'm just scared and have anxiety that this feeling will get worse and I can't cope anymore. I have an appointment with a psychologist April 7th. I've been on every med bad side effects hate them horrible weight gain. Help!!!!!!! Need to talk to others.

[DaveInOz]

Hi Jamie,

Firstly welcome to forum I'm sure you find others here that can relate to you as you can to them.

Briefly I can hear and sense your pain. It's clear that you've had a rough time of it. On the bright side it's clear you love your children very much & also think the world of your husband too.

I find it help to work on one issues at a time. For instance if your job is driving you nuts; you mentioned going back to college, could you possibly do this part time and whilst your looking after your children?

It may also find that it helps take some of the head miles out of your day and help you focus that onto a activity that would be beneficial for you.

I've found by taking a step out and doing things to stimulate my mind really helps when things look blue and gloomy.

Anyway you've now taken the first step so that's an achievement to be proud of.



Cheers

:)

Dave

[BrainDrain43]

Hello Jamie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. In the late 80's heartbreak brought me to the brink of suicide. Thank God I failed because I would never have experienced the unparalleled joy of the birth of my twin girls some 13 years later. My little girls are now 8 years old and continue to be the center of all my focus and my life. I could in no way imagine life without them.

I've struggled all of my life with a profound sense of worthlessness, probably brought on by being born into this world the wrong color and in the wrong socioeconomic class. And these feelings were probably exacerbated by being brought up in a religion which stresses the exceeding worthlessness of humankind vs. the transcending omnipotence of God.

As far as dealing with the medical profession... in the 90's I was diagnosed with hypertension and promptly put on a noxious coctail of meds which, over the years, has proven to be more dangerous than the condition for which it was administered. I'm suffering from a host of conditions which include heart disease, atherosclerosis, and diabetes. I can't even go to the doctor these days without the fear of him having me admitted to the emergency room because of excessive blood sugars or pressures. I've been to every type of general practitioner, kidney and heart specialist, endocrinologist, gastroenterologist, maxosphixialogist (<-totally made up), and what have you. All with no answers as to the cause of my condition. So, I live my life at death's door.

Please remember to be thankful for the little things in life. You'll probably have the opportunity to be around to see your little ones grow up and make grandchildren. And what you can't give them financially, you can give from within yourself. Those are the things that will truly help them to survive this strange odyssey called life.

Take care.

[lexy pexy]

Hi Jamie

I'm new too!

Of course you have lots of things to be depressed about. And thats not even the point! Depression is a medical condition. It took me a very long time to understand that its not my place to question the validity of my illnesss. If we were diagnosed with heart disease would we consider that to be our fault?

I often feel guilty for not amounting to much. I have learned that that is a notion without logic. Sometimes I think that one of the worst things about depression is that it minimises our ability to see the world as it really is.

Clearly, you have amounted to lots of things! You have had things to deal with that I cant even imagine. Even though you dont like your job I am pretty sure that the people you work with are gratefull to you. It sounds extremly worthwhile.

You sound like a good mother, you sound like you have acheived a loving and lasting relationship with your boyfriend.

Im sorry that you feel so bad now. But you are taking the right steps. I would say keep being brave and tell your psychologist all the things that you think. Even the really scary ones.

You can cope. The evidence for this is the immense strength you have shown in your life till now.

(Please excuse my irratic spelling! Woops!)

[jamiecake2]

Thank you everyone. It helps being here and talking with people who know what your going through.