At the end

[lost4eva]

Hello I am new here but not new to depression. I have suffered PTSD since childhood due to abuse and neglect. I am a health care professional and being in this field has made me feel I have no right to complain about life. I have lived day to day most of my life which means I never considered the future. I struggled to raise 3 children but outside of them was never able to maintain a relationship with anyone. I have been in therapy numerous times, hospitalized many more times and nothing has changed. I pray for death because I simply want to end the suffering for my children who are adults now but see me as a burden. I have attempted suicide in the past..and although I was hospitalized as a result the short intervention did nothing for me. I am now 51 and widowed. I cannot work longer than a few months at a time before I am let go or simply give up when the stress gets to be too much. I don't know how to explain all the gaps between my employment and just thinking of an interview or having to explain paralyzes me. I cannot support myself..I don't know how to face my short comings that can be seen by prospective employers when I provide this employment history. I am held to a higher standard because I am a health care professional and I don't meet that level by any means. I am so lost right now and it seems there is no way out. I have no family other than my children and they all have lives of their own now and want to avoid me as much as possible. I don't complain to them, I stay to myself and I rarely go out anymore. Where do I turn and should I choose to simply end this now so my kids can go on with their lives and I can find some peace. The comunity resources for mental health are non exsistant and for someone penniless no one is willing to help .

[JustTrying]

I know exactly how you feel. I too wonder sometimes. But I go on. Day by day. Hoping that one day it will get better. I do have good days now and then. If you do, hang onto them....

Big Hug.... JT

[LostOne]

I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel and I know that help often isn't easy to come by and is rarely affordable. You shouldn't give up though. My husband’s mother and I were just alike. She too dealt with depression and self mutilation. A few days before our second child was born she killed herself. Let me tell you even though your children are adults you are still their mom. No matter how hard it was to deal with his mom he would give anything in this world to have her here with him now. Keep your chin up, pray that things will get better and know that the world wouldn't be the same without, you even if you don't feel valuable! :)

[boomergal47]

Hello, lost4eva This is my first time posting here and I wanted to reply to your post. I have had a similar life to yours. I am 61 now and have had mental problems my whole life due to childhood trauma and abuse. I sympathize about your employment problems, as I had to quite work permamently 12 years ago, because I could no longer stand the stress and strain. I was fortunate enough to be approved very quickly for Social Security disability. Have you ever tried to apply for that? Also, I wonder if you have ever tried reading books about spirituality. They have helped me greatly to cope. I would recommend the Sylvia Brown series of books. I am a great beiever in the theory that past lives greatly influence your present life and problems, and Sylvia does comment on that in several of her books. I don't know how you feel about this whole idea of reincarnation, but it really resonated with me and validated for me the reason why I have suffered so much in this life.

[mscat]

Hi lost4eva,
I read your post and felt very sad for you. What I gathered first was how lonely you are. I wish that I could reach out to u straight from the computor. I feel your pain. there has got to be some way for you to get back into therapy. I think that will be very helpful. ANd , do you like dogs? How about getting one? They are wonderful to have around and offer uncondional love, always. That is just for starters.
I tend to stay to myself too. My son is not an adult yet, and he probably will not ever live on his own either. He's developmentally disabled. I agree that you would benifit by applying for Social Security Disability Benifits. Somthing to think about.
I am glad you found us here. I hope we can help you feel better, and support you.
Cathy

[silentmist]

...I am a health care professional and being in this field has made me feel I have no right to complain about life. ...

... I pray for death because I simply want to end the suffering for my children who are adults now but see me as a burden. ...

... I don't complain to them, I stay to myself and I rarely go out anymore. ...
Hi lost4eva :)

You seem to have a really low opinion of yourself. As though your only place in this world is to provide for others as a slave.

Complaining is essential you know. Witout it we'd all still be living in caves grabbing the odd corpse of an animal for nourishment, in fact, i don't think we'd had even made it that far lol. Complaining is the genesis of a solution.

There are about 6.7 billion people. Your one of us. Make a noise :D