Help for Chronic Cheating? 2 of 2

[LostOne]

Since these last incidents a year and a half ago I haven't slept with another man. Women have played a role from time to time but nothing major has occurred. I still need male attention and my husband has taken on the role of babysitter. He sits back and lets me flirt and it there to draw the line if I try to step over it. He is very hurt and does not trust me at all. He thinks that I don't love him, that I never did or else I would not have done these things but that isn't true. I never meant to do any of them...they just happened. He wants me to promise that these things will not happen anymore but I told him I can't because I didn't plan them in the first place so I don't think I can honestly say it won't happen again. We both believe in time that it will. I do love my husband I just don't feel desired by him. For him sex isn't that big of a deal and for me I need it, I need the validation that I have attached to it.
I should probably mention that I have been in and out of counseling since I was 12 years old. I have over the years been diagnosed as being bi-polar, having border line personality disorder, among a few other not so popular diagnoses. The problem I have with therapy is that I am always too busy trying to convince the person that I am normal too actually get down to what I need help with. Doctors always tell me that I am incredibly smart and insightful. Appearing in this manner has always been more important to me than being helped. I have contemplated going to a sex addicts group but I am not sure that is the answer either as I simply fantasize about seducing its members.
Do you think there is any hope for me? For my marriage? Why do people develop such unhealthy views of sex with so many attachments. Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

[BrainDrain43]

This is a wonderful online community.

It would definitely be a good idea to get into some type of family counseling. In the interim, you might want to do some research on the 12 Step Program used for helping those addicted to substances. Addictive behaviours have common roots whether you're dealing with substance addictions or addictions to destructive lifestyles. In any of these cases you need to reach outside of yourself for help.

Start a journal. Write down the times and situations where you find yourself vulnerable. For example, when your husband is at work this seems to be a time when you are likely to give in to weakness. Perhaps you could arrange for him to call you periodically. Or, perhaps you could commit yourself to something important regarding your children... like arranging to take them to the library to find books to read. Becomming familiar with the changes you go through during the course of a typical day would be beneficial in learning how to deal with the addictive behaviours.

Sincerely

[silentmist]

... both believe in time that it will. I do love my husband I just don't feel desired by him. For him sex isn't that big of a deal and for me I need it, I need the validation that I have attached to it.
I should probably mention that I have been in and out of counseling since I was 12 years old. I have over ...

I am confused about love and sex. With terms like 'making love' and 'lover' around it's almost inevitable to get sucked into the belief that love and sex are kinda the same thing.

I'm not sure exactly whats going on with you from your post LostOne, whether you are getting some emotional sense of companionship and warmth from the sexual experiences you choose to have and/or if it's a more impulsive, isolated drive that has to be scratched and then you return to some equilibrium, perhaps with feelings of remorse. Not all sexual preoccupations are the same.

My sexual preoccupation comes from how I value sex. I see sex as the ultimate acceptance. For me, it's about being 'good enough'. Even though I am sexually preoccupied I have never had a sex life to speak of and my last sexual experience with a woman was over 9 years ago now. Despite my sense of deep need for sex I don't do anything to achieve it, mainly because of how I feel about myself.

How do you feel about yourself when you don't feel desired ?