hello!

[karai]

Hi, I'm new to this site and hope you will bear with me. I am a 54 year old female and have low self esteem (possibly from grade school!). I was told I may possibly have depression by my chiropractor who I have been going to for about 2 years for chronic back pain. He gave me a questionnaire to answer and on my next visit he said that I should see a mental health professional. I was shocked and could barely say anything! I guess, because of my reaction, he told me to think about it for a couple of months and then we would talk about it again. Well, the 2 months have gone by and in the meantime, because of denial and this being on my mind almost every waking hour, I searched the web high and low for anything regarding depression--mostly to find something that said I was not depressed! I even took more depression tests and tried to be honest but picking answers that was less severe. My scores did not change very much--severe or chronic depression, sometimes I could get it as low as mildly depressed or borderline, depending on how good a day I had. This terribly scares me to think that I am "mentally ill", one of the descriptions I had read in one of the articles I found. I still don't think I am depressed; many people I know go through the same emotions I go through. Can anybody here help me make sense of all of this? I cannot reconcile my emotions and actions to what I read about people with real depression. I might think about death a lot but not suicide. I truly am confused and mostly I don't want to talk to a stranger about my problems and biggest secrets (I don't want people to find out what a horrible person I truly am!). I don't even talk to my siblings about things like this for I don't feel I have the right to give them my problems when they have their own families to worry about. I am to see my chiropractor next week and I need a response to give him. What should I do? I am afraid that this may open up a whole mess of problems for me--a giant Pandora's box that I don't want to or am able to deal with. Thank you for any suggestions and words of wisdom you can give me.

[malign]

Welcome, karai. I don't think you'll find that what you have described is uncommon, at all. I hope that "talking" here is a helpful first step for you.

You say you're afraid that you might be "mentally ill". I know society uses that as a label, but let's look at it closer. After all, are you afraid, if you think you might be physically ill? Not usually; instead, you go to a doctor, find out what to do about it, and then do it.

There's no reason this has to be any different. For instance, I don't know of any therapy that would force you to tell your darkest secrets. That is always your choice. And I know it's scary, all the stuff that you've kept inside that needs to get out. Trust me, though, no one can hold it all without exploding. You need to decide your own way to handle that, but I've found it easier, sometimes, to tell someone who's being paid to listen, for exactly the reason you gave about not telling your siblings. A therapist will listen, they might have advice or questions you might not have thought to ask, and they won't resent that you're adding to their troubles, because this is their job. Not only that, there are medications that can help with depression, just like any illness.

But in the end, it's your choice. I believe we all have the right to be happy, and if you're not, you need to figure out what to do about it. Not to satisfy your chiropractor, who was probably just trying to suggest something to be helpful, but if and because you want it. Good luck.

[karai]

Hi Malign,
Your insights make me feel a little better about my situation and a bit less anxious. I still don't know if I can face somebody talking about my problems; I guess it's the "judgment thing" that bothers me. I always see that in people's faces, from since forever! If I could be invisible, I could face anything and anybody! Unrealistic? Yes, but I've imagined myself going through therapy back to back with the therapist. I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I feel. (Think that would be allowed?) I'm not trying to be silly, but that is maybe one of the reasons I really do hesitate admitting I may have a problem. Thanks for replying--I really did need to know somebody was listening.

[ASchwartz]

Hello Karai,

Welcome to our community. Malign is absolutely correct and I support those amazingly helpful statements.

I do not know why your fear the word "depression." Do you feat the word "flu?" It is the same thing. You are at that age where depression is common. By the way, depression has nothing to do with "mental illness."

You see, a person does not have to have suicidal thoughts or hallucinations or any of the things we associate with "illness." We ALL get depressed sometimes and we all need someone to talk to from time to time. Malign is correct, a psychologist or social worker is someone who is objective and that makes it easier to speak to them. Also, there are lots of therapies that do not call for digging up the past, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I am not saying you are "very depressed" but it is concerning that you think about death. Of course, a lot depends on how much but, you mention it and you are here so, I believe that there is a part of you who knows the chiropractor is right.

Anyway, why not start with us, here? Tell us more about yourself.

Do not worry, we can "bear with you." Most of us are "huggy bears" anyway. Gee, if I was a member rather than staff, I would use "Huggybear" as my avitar. Oh well. :D

Allan

[tourdelove]

Hey Karai!
I know what you mean about deciding to go to a psychotherapist. I think the two people who replied to you have wonderful insight. In my own experience, it was difficult for me to finally go as I live in a small town and was terrified of someone finding out...But I did go and I was able to finally get rid of some old programming that was in my head... Didn't solve all my problems but it surely helped. therapists are quite able to listen to anything you need to say, they are not pushy. And you will be able to open up progressively. I think a therapist would be open to you not facing them.

And then, talking to friends, I found out I was not the only one who went to therapy! Seriously, take pride in being on this forum, and also that you are making steps understanding yourself.

The other thing is, the tests. I wouldn't dwell on those too much. They can be helpful, but can also make me more confused. I understand now that They aren't sentences and they surely are not set in stone. And you are not set in stone either. Only ever evolving.

Good luck, keep on posting!
s

[karai]

Hi ASchwartz and tourdelove,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Like malign above, you both have given me the boost to seek the help I may need. Huggybear (ASchwartz) you ask me to tell you about myself. Nothing really to tell; my life has been basically uneventful, pretty boring. Well, I will try anyway. I was a fat child and being teased was the order of the day. But being picked on and laughed at by adults (one of them my teacher), did not exactly make for a happy childhood! I am now a fat adult, except for a few years in college where I was near normal weight. I have learned to pre-empt any bad feelings of being teased by anticipating the callous words of my co-workers and "friends" by making fun of and laughing at myself before they could. Presently, my sisters and I have been caring for my bed-ridden mother for the past 5 or 6 years. Since I live at home, I take care of my mom after work and during the weekends, except for a few hours on Saturday mornings. I admit that I don't treat her as well as I should, and that is a source of a lot of guilt and anger that I have. Okay, that's it--see, boring! Well, I hope you can help me sort some of my feelings and self-hate that I harbor. Oh yeah, my mantra, which I found on a bookmark in college a very long time ago, but still feel fits me, is: "Life sucks, then you die!" Thanks for reading this far.

[malign]

Kara,

From your description, you've been taking care of your bed-ridden mother for 5 or 6 years, and your sisters have been dropping by for visits. I'd be angry, too. And probably guilty about that. Not to mention, a less careful care-taker. But that's just me.

You seem to have a pretty good grip on things like counter-punching and minimizing. I know they can function as "coping" skills because I use them myself. Too bad they also make you feel like ... well, you know how they make you feel.

But what if it didn't have to be that way?

That's the reason to go to a therapist, not because you're "ill" so much as because life doesn't have to suck. Sorry, you'll still die some day, but you might as well make the best of your one shot at living, right? That's what they tell me, anyway, and I'm working on it. Wanna give it a try?

[karai]

Hi malign,
I'm sorry if I may have mislead you, but my sisters actually do help a lot; one of them watches my mom during the day backed up by my other sister when needed. However, I think my anger comes from the fact that I am the only one caring for her 7 nights a week and the weekends with no escape except to take vacations far from home. But that same day I return, I'm back on "duty" again--no rest for the weary traveller. It's funny that you say "counter-punching" because I actually do that-- literally! I've broken an expensive bracelet like that--but fortunately, not my hand, yet!
Well, I finally got the guts to ask my chiropractor for that referral yesterday, but I still haven't got the guts to make that phone call yet. Yeah, I guess life doesn't have to suck, but I really don't mind that I will die someday--maybe the sooner the better. It's funny, but I feel I have to clean the house first (the house is a mess--haven't had the energy or the will to really clean in years!) so that I don't leave a bad impression! Well, take care and thank you...

[ASchwartz]

Hi Karai,

Your low self esteem comes across in the way you describe your life and your writing as "boring." I do not know if you are aware of it but you are hard on yourself and quick to jump to negative conclusions.

Why are you home with your mother? What stops you from moving away and establishing an independent life?

Allan

[malign]

Well, if I couldn't die until my house was clean, I'd live forever! :-)

But, good luck making an appointment for yourself, not because you're going to die some day, but because you're alive today.

[karai]

Hi ASchwartz,
Wow, you ask a very difficult question! I never really gave it much thought until now. I guess living at home was something that just happened. I do pay part of the mortgage, but rent in this city is unaffordable on one person's salary, even before the economic crisis. Getting my own place has always been a dream of mine, but as my parents got older, I guess it was just assumed by my family, that I was going to care for them.
As for my independence? I always thought I was independent! I pretty much come and go as I please except when I have to care for my mom. Come to think of it, I guess I'm not so free after all! Saturday mornings are pretty much the extent of my independence except when I'm on vacation. Thanks, I just realized that I'm STUCK and in a RUT!!! Oooh, you're goooood! Okay, now that you've opened that can of worms, are you baking me a cake (preferably chocolate) with a saw inside so I can break out of this prison?
To malign, thanks for the laugh. I really needed it here in my jail. I guess I better work on getting the house cleaned! Thanks, both of you, for talking to me.