Hello

[torjan]

Hi
My Name is Tori, I am 40 years old. I have been married for 22 years and have 4 great children, three girls 22, 21, 19 and a boy 11. I come from a lower middle class upbringing. My childhood was very abusive, Physically emotionally and sexually. I have become a pro at hiding whats going on in my head and try hard to practice the fake it till you make it attitude. I have a tendency to be ashamed of what I feel so I usually keep my self fairly shut down and don't talk much about what I am going through emotionally with others. I joined this forum in the hopes that maybe I can start to talk to others who might be experiencing some of the same things or hear from professionals. I am currently very confused about a friendship, the confusion is all consuming for me, I am despite for some advice. I will post the details in my next post.

[boomergal47]

Hello. I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems with a friendship. Are you able to talk this over with your friend? One thing I have learned in life is that for me anyway, it is always better to tell your feelings to the person you are having problems with. If you don't, the relationship will further deteriorate, and you will lose it anyway. Good luck.

[tourdelove]

Hi and welcome to you too!
I know what you mean about being an expert at hiding how you feel...Sometimes it gets confusing when I try to hide my feelings for fear of having an inappropriaate emotional response and not say the right thing... But the thing is, I sometimes have ended up not being able to know exactly how I feel anymore.

I find what works best for me is, when I get the 'deer caught in the headlight' type of reaction when I am not happy about a situation in my relationship, I may not say anything at first, but I try to pay attention to what the other person is saying and notice the feelings that arise in me at that moment. Then I replay the situation in my head when I feel more calm, in the most honest way I can, and practice a non confrontational but assertive response a little bit, then I talk to the person.

I find that I have gotten better now at being able to face my fear and say what's on my mind a little bit more. I may not be successful everytime but you may be surprise at how well it may go.

The most important thing is to not beat yourself up when either, you didn't get it out in the most appropriate way sometimes, or you didn't get a positive response from the other person.

Hope this helps for now,
I'll check up on the full story when you post it

take care
s