Day after day....

[nancyannee]

In my heart of hearts, I know I should be on meds. under a doctors care. yet I persist in isolating myself from everything and everyone. I ask myself...Is this all there is to LIFE??

When I am on meds, I am devoid of emotion. a blank slate. no thoughts in my head, no imagination, no desire, no nothing. When I am off meds, my mind races, my imagination soars, yet there is still no desire. No zest for life. Is this all there is? What is the purpose of this existence? There must be one.

I believe in a higher power. I believe we are created for a purpose. Why is it that mine eludes me? People that know me tell me...You are so smart. You could do anything....yeah right...being smart means diddly, when you can't focus long enough to follow through with anything....

I am so weary of "knowing" all that I do and not being able to harness any of my ideas....

nancy:cool:

[nancyannee]

being adopted, I have to ask the age old question....Who am I? How can I ever know who I am, if I don't know where I came from? I am soooo different from my adopted family. nature versus nurture... HA I can answer that one.

[JustTrying]

Adopted too.. although I did get to meet my " birth" family. I know who I could have been if those people had been allowed to raise me. I still turned out ot be a drunk.. but at least I have a concious.

I quit my meds about a month ago. Lithium ( by the way it worked wonders) BUT you cannot drink on it and I am unable to give up the drink. I wonder day to day why I am still here. Yes.... was raised with "higher Power" but I choose to not talk to Him/ her anymore. I am on my own.

do not know how to explain this... not dumb by any means.. at one time in my life I did alot of things. Now I do nothing. Sleep as much as I can.

My sugestion? get back into therapy and get back on meds. try meds until you find one that works. I have been on some that make you feel " BLAH' ( no feelings..) But they are coming out with new stuff every day....

Good luck,
JT

[nancyannee]

thank you JT. I too don't talk to HIM/HER anymore. it is too painful. You know as well as I do that being adopted is something only we can relate to. hard sometimes huh? I don't pretend to think it might be better, I know thatknowing would be better....anything is better than wondering all the darn time where I came from..

I stopped making friends and meeting people when all I would do is wonder, hmmmm wonder if I could be related to them.... the absolute worst is when someone says to me... You look JUST like someone from so and so...do you know them??

[JustTrying]

Oh MY!!! I can relate... I live 1800 miles away from my birth family now and I still wonder when I see some one that looks like my brother ???/ Are we related???

I am the youngest of 38 kids that I know of... Mom gave birth to 14 ... Daddy the rest. So you can imagine. I grew up playing with this girl that later I found out was my 1/2 sister....

Jeff Gordon... looks just like my brother Marvin.... except Marv has grey hair!!!

Mom gave birth to V... she was the 5th child... all were put in foster care and most adopted. V "found" mom a few years back... she still feels neglected. Mom didn't have a clue who her dad was. .... I am the only one in this HUGE family that talks to her. I guess I am the favorite.. because Mom has never "fussed" at me but she would call V and fuss at her all the time... make her feel like she should take care of MOm.....

Mom is dead now... but although she gave birth to all those kids.. I doubt she ever changed a diaper.. I loved her but she was a selfish self centered woman.

My adopted parents are both dead now too....

Sorry there I go talking about me again.....

JT

[paula]

Wow Gabs, that's a lot of children your father, fathered! Your mother must of been run of her feet too!

I thought it was hard bringing two up on my own? I can just imagine, I bet it was like saying goodnight to the Walton's of a night time wasn't it?

[JustTrying]

Paula.... U missed the point. My BIRTH mother and Father raised NONE of the 38. They partied had sex.. guess did not believe in Birth control ( or maybe at that time it wasn't available??? )

My REAL Dad is still alive but all the rest are dead. Daddy JUST NOW is wanting to talk to us kids.. how many years did I call him and write him and he would not answer.. now he is reaching out... and YES I am reaching back.. always Daddy's little girl...

But I do not want to take Nancys thread over sorry.... maybe I will start a topic on adoption ... and adopted adults and the feelings related to that....

JT ( Gabs)

[paula]

Sorry Gabby! Just ignore me! I'm not myself. Shouldn't even be on here!

[nancyannee]

Gabs, I don't think for a minute you are "taking over" this thread.:) I know some are touchy about a shift in attention, when someone is inclined to share their feelings relating to another's post, I don't mind at all. In fact, I welcome your insight and history to share. I am glad you shared your story. Wow, that many siblings! That I can't imagine.:eek:

Paula, you are welcome here too. Please don't apologize for speaking out. Your optimistic view is appreciated as well.:)

Nancy

[JustTrying]

sorry I should have been quite..... facts are factcs...


Gabs

[nancyannee]

Gabs, if ever I make a post, you are welcome to say ANYTHING you want, about ANYTHING that you want. Your thoughts are most welcome.:)

nancy:)

[paula]

Yeah Gabs, if anyone can talk about this, you can! Meaning that you've been there and done it!

I too, would like to hear your story, honestly!

[nancyannee]

Yeah Gabs, if anyone can talk about this, you can! Meaning that you've been there and done it!

I too, would like to hear your story, honestly!

What she said...:o

nancy:)

[paula]

But I do not want to take Nancys thread over sorry.... maybe I will start a topic on adoption ... and adopted adults and the feelings related to that....

Sorry nancyannee This is what I was referring too!

[nancyannee]

I know paula, it is okay. I welcome any discussion in any thread I start. I welcome ANY interaction and ANY conversation that ANYbody wants to discuss...Its all good!!!:)

[nancyannee]

another day. another day of knowing I am losing my mind more and more. My tenuous hold on reality is slipping and I dread the day I lose control completely. for it is bound to happen. I hold out the thought I will prevail and seek help before that time.

my perceptions seem so surreal. the lines between reality and fantasy blur more and more. It is unfortunate that I find solace in the fantasy(insanity)....

yesterday I had a major swing. the crash is always the hardest. *sigh*

[JustTrying]

Hi Ladies! My am I the touchy one!! Sorry got a little drunk there at the end but I am acting alot better now adays... I have somewhere to go for a bout an hour but yes I would like to discuss this in further detail. I think it will do me good and may help others also to know that others feel the same.


JT ( aka Gabs -- btw I quit Gabs so that the search engines couldn't find me)

Hugs! Gabby

[journeyupward]

Hi Nancyannee, are you okay? I read your whole dialog with Gabs and Paula. Then I saw your post from Saturday (apr. 4) about your mood swing and crash. I am concerned. I am fighting a crash at this point too and it can be awfully dangerous. If it doesn't let up soon, I'm planning to call my Pdoc. If it gets worse, I'm considering going to the ER, which scares me since I've never done that. But feeling the way I do, knowing what I may not be able to stop myself from doing scares me more for my hubby & kids (all grown) sake.

I suppose you are in a similar place mood-wise. Please drop a line so we know you are okay. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Journey

[nancyannee]

thanks journey....that last attack was a whopper. I spend my days in a tailspin and sometimes things just get so overwhelming. I have no current doctor, so I think daily about just walking into the local ER. I have done it one time before and it did help for a while.

Everyday is the same. I feel like I am being watched. recorded. monitored. every car that goes by my heart rate jumps. everytime the phone rings my insides go cold. after so long of this...years and years, I started not to care, but lately I am scared all the time. :(

JT---I am glad you are feeling better. anything you want to discuss is A-okay with me.:)

[JustTrying]

NANCEE.. u MAKE ME CRY ... cried too too nmuch today...I CANT YET... but yes i need to share my "story".... not today... I cant.. I am sorry this hit somethingfor me .....sorry again....Gabs

[nancyannee]

Awww gabs, I NEVER meant to make you cry:eek:...I am so sorry. unless it was a good cry, then I am glad. I hope this post finds you feeling better and NOT feeling blue:)

gabs, whenever you feel like you could share I will love to hear it. If you feel like never sharing, that is OKAY too. whatever makes you feel comfortable

[JustTrying]

It was really a good cry. Sorta cleansing if you know what I mean???? Monday was a hard day but things are smoothing out.

I read some of your posts on the other threads and again I can relate..... Like you said " You always felt that if your adopted family thought you were not happy etc.. they would send you back" ( Or something like that) I can soooo realate to sooo much you say.

I actually went to court and told my Birth Daddy that I NEVER wanted to see him again. I was `10... I wanted to see him but he had made Mom and Dad mad and they didn't want me to see him. I actually wanted to go live with him but I thought he didn't want me either. And If I told THEM that they wouldn't love me any more.... Probiably not true, but that is what my 10 yr old mind thought. Dad and I talk some now.


I think that adoption, foster care, being raised by realatives, etc.... In any form FEELING abandoned by your BIRTH family.. has a great effect on your mental health and how you relate with people. There should somewhere be a website on that or a paper or something. I haven't researched yet but that may be an idea. I do believe my child hood was the greatest factor in my mental illness. Although Bipolar does run in the family...

Any thoughts on that ANYONE?

JT

[nancyannee]

In any form FEELING abandoned by your BIRTH family.. has a great effect on your mental health and how you relate with people.

JT- I so agree. I want to respond more, but my 21 and 15 year old daughters are verbally attacking each other. *sigh* i am afraid it is all they know.. what I taught them. sad really.

[paula]

Hi Nancyannie, journeyupward & JustTrying,

I too am at a Crisis time in my life at the moment, and it is hard! But thank God for sites like this hey!

I wish you all the best and hope you all pull through soon, without having to go through to much pain!

My thoughts are with you all!

[JustTrying]

Hi all! Just really wanted to let you all know that you are in my thoughts. I like this thread and whenI am in the right frame of mind I will elaborate on the subjuect more.

Going up and down right now. Sleeping alot and then like tonight not tired at all. Actually mowed the grass, cleaned the carport some and cleaned the house. Also cleaned my bedroom back up and moved back into it. ( that is another story.... hubby problems again) Looks like it will be ANOTHER holiday spent alone.

I CAN go places. But if I do and he comes home and I am not here... well.....

I COULD drive up there tomorrow... but he hasn't contacted me since Thursday and I I just don't know if I want to.I am getting sooooo tired of this.

But anyway.... I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow....

Hugs, JT

[nancyannee]

JT, journey, paula there is much I would like to say. can't put my thoughts together today. I really enjoy reading your posts here. thank you for all your thoughts.

Happy Easter:)

[paula]

Take your time, we will be ready and waiting when you will/do decide to write!

[nancyannee]

I am so ready to write. Every time I start. something always seems to hinder me. now the house is running with my 15 year old and her boyfriend...(they require constant monitoring.)my 21 yr old daughter with my 3 year old granddaughter. My 78 yr old Mother, and my 44 yr. old husband...*sigh*

The only chance I have to think is really late or really early. The bad thing is I get moments of clarity, when I feel like I could express myself; while everything is going on around me. then like now I loose it.

nancy:confused:

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

I am so ready to write. Every time I start. something always seems to hinder me. now the house is running with my 15 year old and her boyfriend...(they require constant monitoring.)my 21 yr old daughter with my 3 year old granddaughter. My 78 yr old Mother, and my 44 yr. old husband...*sigh*

The only chance I have to think is really late or really early. The bad thing is I get moments of clarity, when I feel like I could express myself; while everything is going on around me. then like now I loose it.

You just take your time!

When you get the urge to want to express your feelings, shut yourself off from the rest of what is going on around you (if you can, I know it's easier said than done) & get on your PC and write down what is troubling you! It is better out than in!

Also, where a bouts is your PC situated in your home? Have you not got a spare room or something that you could place your PC so that when you get times that are troubling you and you want to just have a bit of me time, you can head to this room and relax on your PC for a while?

Nancyannee I am sending you a link to click on. Have a look at this, but when you do, make sure you are relaxing! This is the kind of thing that helps me. You might have to copy and paste in your browser?

http://www.findingjoymovie.com/

[journeyupward]

Hi Nancyanne,

It's okay that you have days you can't put your thoughts together. Just making contact like you have let's us know you are safe and let's you know we care.

Just a thought--I got a bargain on a laptop that was on sale. I have a router set up so I can pick up the internet in any room in the house. So now, the only person who uses our desktop computer is my husband. :D

Hugs, Inkspring

[nancyannee]

Inkspring, (love the name...)

I would love to have my own laptop. Unfortunately, we are like many other folks, living week to week, month to month...barely able to keep the lights on....maybe one day...*sigh*

also our computer is in the main living room. it is like everyone seems to know when i want to write something...always one of them starts yelling, crying, wanting something, needing something...etc...the whole house will be quiet, I get on here and then...world war III.... I will keep trying.

nancy:)

[smallstar]

hi nancee, just a suggestion, maybe when you get your thoughts together and are ready to write you can get a notebook and lock yourself in your bedroom, than when you want you can just copy over to the computer, that way you won't lose your thoughts. Just a suggestion, hope all is well :)

[paula]

Hi nancyannee & smallstar

First of all, did you have a look at the link that I asked you to?

I agree with smallstar. If you cannot access the PC in private, write your thoughts down on paper and then transfer it on to the PC when you are writing in the forums!

I know where your coming from when you mention trying to make ends meet. I am in the same boat. I have a Mortgage, as well as all the bills that come with owning your own house, a car with Insurance, tax, MOT, service, petrol & any repairs that need doing to the car as well as wear & tear that occurs, tyres, exause, gear box etc. I know that owning a car is a privilege but... when you attend as many appointments as I do (all out of town & 2/3 busses to travel too) it is cheaper to travel by car, than travel on public transport!

I am on benefit (ICB) Incapacity Benefit, which only pays £60.00 a week and am having to count my pennies myself. I have a Son who lives with me but goes to College. With him being 21yrs old, he cannot claim anything from the Government as he is past the age that the Government pays out to school leavers to stay in further education. So I have to keep him as well.

Hang on in there nancyannee. The grass is always greener on the other side!

[nancyannee]

hey paula, no I haven't looked at the link yet...I have had a crisis with my Mother...79,poor health. admitted finally this morning the hospital. I just came home for dinner, shower, and a bit of peace before heading back...when I have more time I will look at it...thanks:)

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

hey paula, no I haven't looked at the link yet...I have had a crisis with my Mother...79,poor health. admitted finally this morning the hospital. I just came home for dinner, shower, and a bit of peace before heading back...when I have more time I will look at it...thanks

I think you could do with a bit of me time! Probably a bit impossible at the moment, sorry! Try and slow down a bit! You have to look after your own health as well!

[nancyannee]

The last 24 hours have been spent at the hospital....My Mother has had emergency surgery. ruptured bowel, abscess, riddled with cancer. Every hour she survives is a miracle. :(

It is difficult to maintain my facade of normalcy while dealing with all the doctors. Although I have four older brothers....I was alone before, during, and after the surgery. Her care takes all my time. I will do what I can for her as long as she needs me. When she moves on, to a better place I believe, I will look after my own care.

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. You must be rushed off your feet!

We are here for you!

My thoughts are with you!

[nancyannee]

it feels like everything is in slow motion. you are only allowed to visit 4x a day for a few minutes.... she is finally breathing on her on and doing better than expected.

I am trying to think positive thoughts...kinda hard to do with all the intrusive thoughts in my head already.

every minute she survives is a blessing. I just don't want her to suffer.

[paula]

Hang on in there nancyannee, we know your doing your best! I for one, wish I could help you, even If it just to be a comfort to you!

[nancyannee]

thank you paula. I feel more support here than I do from my own family. the hours at the hospital are lonely and sad knowing I have four brothers who don't bother coming to see their own Mama....

I will continue to pray and have hope.

[smallstar]

Hi nancyannee, hope is a wonderful thing, sometimes it's all we have, so hang on to it! I am so sorry to hear about your mother, my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it can be to watch your mother when she's that sick. I went through alot with my mom being sick, I couldn't imagine going through it without the support of my family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[paula]

I'll be thinking about you in these sad times!

[nancyannee]

My feelings of inadequacy and indecision are overwhelming me. Logically I was prepared for Mama to move on. Mentally I am a mess. For the first time in seven years all of her children were in the same room. I find it hard to reconcile that with the fact it was in ICU. All she ever wanted was for her family to be close. Unfortunately, she was unable to express herself emotionally, ever, leaving her children with the same dilemma.

We are having a memorial. she wanted to be cremated, and we are going to honor that. I have a very hard time going to public places. (understatement of the year) One of my brothers is asking me to attend the gathering at our oldest brothers house after the service. I haven't been to this house in over 10 years.

I have so much baggage from the lack of relationship with my two older brothers. All my life, I longed for a connection. Admittedly, kept at arms length by me over the years. Nonetheless, I always wanted more effort on their part to "prove" they loved me. ( a throw back to being adopted, I guess)

To make a long story short...They want me to (now) do what Mama wanted and all gather together. Put the past behind and gather to reminisce about Mama's life. They didn't make the effort for her when it mattered. They rarely called. Almost NEVER visited. She wanted her family together while she was alive. They didn't bother then why should I bother now???

I am really hoping I don't just SNAP~:(

[paula]

Ooooooooooh nancyannee, I'm really sorry that your mother passed away! Please accept my condolences!

We are having a memorial. she wanted to be cremated, and we are going to honor that. I have a very hard time going to public places. (understatement of the year) One of my brothers is asking me to attend the gathering at our oldest brothers house after the service. I haven't been to this house in over 10 years.

This is going to be extremely hard for you! Do what you have too? No matter what you decide to do, just know that we are all here for you!

I have so much baggage from the lack of relationship with my two older brothers. All my life, I longed for a connection. Admittedly, kept at arms length by me over the years. Nonetheless, I always wanted more effort on their part to "prove" they loved me. ( a throw back to being adopted, I guess)

nancyannee, I realise that this is neither the time or the place to sort your differences, but... This also, could be the breaking point that you all need! You have to do what your heart tells you?

Remember, this is your mothers wish, but no matter what you decide to do, it was you who was there for her in her last years, it was you who was there to nurse her! Nobody can take that away from you! You've got the memories!

To make a long story short...They want me to (now) do what Mama wanted and all gather together. Put the past behind and gather to reminisce about Mama's life. They didn't make the effort for her when it mattered. They rarely called. Almost NEVER visited. She wanted her family together while she was alive. They didn't bother then why should I bother now???

I am really hoping I don't just SNAP

Don't let it be your problem nancyannee? "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today... You can't change the past, so don't ruin the present by worrying about the future!"

You have to hang on in there! My thoughts are with you at this sad time!

[nancyannee]

your words really do mean alot. I know she knows I did the best by her that I could. I will do what I can and not worry about the rest. I am so ready to put the past behind and move on. It is what Mama would have wanted and understood, no matter what actions I take now. She would just want me to be strong for my girls.

[smallstar]

Hi nancyannee, I am so sorry :( I know there isn't anything I can say right now to help you feel better but just know I'm thinking about you and your family. I know you want to be strong for your kids but make sure you allow yourself time to grieve.

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

I totally agree with smallstar, you do have to give yourself time to grieve! You don't want to end up following your mum do you?

You have to do what's best for you now! You did the best for your mum when she was alive and both you and her know that! As soon as your mum has been Cremated, then it will be time to do what you want, what's best for you, you and the girls!

My heart goes out to you at this dreadful time, but your mum is at peace now! Nothing can hurt her!

[malign]

Nancy,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I don't have many useful words. I do suggest at least trying to talk to your brothers, if you can. It could be a chance to heal. I don't mean that everything will go the way you dream it could; it probably won't. But this way you'll know you tried, and certainly nothing will happen if no one tries.

In my case, my mother's passing was the start of a family reconciliation that I'm sure she would have loved. I'm glad I got to see her before she went, and I'm glad that I haven't let my dad or brothers drift away again afterwards.

[nancyannee]

So much I want to say. My mind is chaotic. I thought reading some posts would help settle my mind....as soon as I calmed my thoughts...both my daughters came in...*sigh* poof. gone...thoughts raced right on around. maybe later in the night...

smallstar, malign and paula, thank you for your kind words...if I repeat over and over that I can handle this...just maybe I will manage.

[nancyannee]

My Mothers sister. Her older sister, she is 86 and has dementia. She kept calling my Mama, HER mama. she is convinced that the person who died is her Mother. I just got her call, wanting to speak to my Mama....I explained that JoAnne is gone. We had her funeral yesterday. She hung up on me.

I have been my Aunts go to person. When I wasn't doing for my Mama, I was doing for my Aunt. They were very close, and her mind will not allow her to believe her sister is gone. I will be the one to have to relive her death everyday trying to explain to my Aunt why my Mama can't come to the phone to talk. Or why Mama is not coming over to visit.

I have never felt so bleak and flat.