Not sure what my problem is, any help appreciated

[smallstar]

Hi everyone, I am 26 years old and am recently finding myself becoming more and more discouraged. I have always been an extremely shy person, to the point where I could not physically speak in school. I don't believe I am as shy now but I feel like there is definitely something wrong with myself. I have never had a boyfriend in my entire life. I am actually embarassed by this and it is something I discuss with noone. I desperatley want to get married and have children. That is where I always saw my life going since I was a child. I guess that I always just figured that everything just happens in life, I mean like for everyone else, like there's a natural progression in life that isn't something that requires effort, but for some reason I have not progressed. I don't go out all that often but when I do even if a guy starts talking to me I do not trust it, it scares me. I guess I sort of think, why is He talking to Me. If I have an interest in him I am afraid to show it, what if he was just being nice, friendly, not flirting. I am so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that I pretty much ignore people. I just stay close to the people I am there with, which is usually my siblings and their friends. My brothers and sister always jokingly refer to me as the "crazy" sibling. Don't get me wrong they are not trying to hurt my feelings, they don't realize the anxiety that I endure and I just laugh with them. Meanwhile I am thinking what is wrong with me. Sometimes I get somewhere and I am so upset I just shut down. I just want to go home. Sometimes people say to me just tell me what is wrong, tell me what is on your mind, and I so desperately want to answer them but I have no idea what to say. I will just stare them right in the eye, almost like I am trying to get them to read my mind. I say nothing, they just get frustrated and give up. Anyway I recently joined a dating website and went out on the first date of my entire life. I tried so hard to be normal. I drugged myself, I know no good, but otherwise I would not have made it. I took percocets, valium and a caffeine pill all before he even got there. The valium calmed me down, the caffeine sped me up so I may have something to say and the percocets just help everything, it didn't work out

[silentmist]

Why on earth would you want to be 'normal' ?

Anyone that'll like you because your 'normal' is someone that will suck your soul out through your tears and spit you into the gutter. Your better than that and you need better than that.

I think dating is evil anyway ... no wonder it's stressing you out.

Speaking for myself, if I were to date someone (ugh) I would find it flattering that she would be so nervous that she couldn't speak or do anything. I'd just sit there and enjoy her company, nothing spoken, nothing proven. Just time spent with someone who's real and is affected by me. A beautiful start to a relationship if you ask me.

[smallstar]

thank you silentmist. I understand what you're saying but I still feel like I'm missing something essential to make it in this world. Don't you think it's odd for someone who is 26 yrs old has never had a relationship? I don't know I just feel like I'm stuck and I'll never be where I want to be

[Pseudonym]

A wise person once told me, "if you are too afraid to make an ass of yourself, nothing good will ever happen to you." It is the inevitable fact that you WILL make an ass of yourself. I do it all the time. And to tell you the truth, The best times of my life have been about making a complete and total ass of myself. Not for anyone else's enjoyment besides my own.

Now I don't have much dating experience, but I can tell you one thing, you can't expect them to fall into your lap. You have to be proactive. Because if you're too afraid to make that next leap, when time comes to begin a relationship what are you going to do? The bravery is not in the first date, it is making leaps and crossing the mile markers as you go.

Now thing about the guy you went on a date with, I understand that you feel rejected. But in the end that lays no relevance or fault towards you, the blame is rested on his shoulders. The best course of action to search again. And I know it seems impossible. But believe you me it's not. Because anybody can land the love of their life, it just takes a little work, and a little bravery. And remember what bravery is, it NOT the absence of fear, but the resolve to walk through the fear and come out the other side. And I believe you have it.

And by the way, do not let your lack of a love life dismay you, or embarrass you. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people have problems finding people to spend time with. You're still new at this, so take this as experience, take it with stride, and may your next endeavor be more successful.

- Anonymous

[smallstar]

pseudonym, thank you for your response, I know I shouldn't be afraid but I don't know. It takes so much effort than its all for nothing. I don't even know if I liked this guy so I don't know why I got so upset by his message, how do I miss him if I only met him once? Before we met we chatted alot via im, maybe thats what I miss, I don't know. But this was a few weeks ago and I can't get over it. I don't know what my problem is. I keep going back and reading his message, I keep hoping he'll im me again

[ASchwartz]

Hi Sadstar,

Sorry things did not work with the guy you just met but that is going to happen a lot. It happens to everyone until you meet the right person.

There is nothing wrong with having anxiety and we are not trying to tell you not to be anxious because that is not possible. The idea is to date even though you are nervous.

You know, socializing is a skill and the only way to learn the skill is to do it and make mistakes. When some asks you what you are thinking and you cannot say, just tell them the truth: "oh, I don't know, maybe I'm just too nervous to think." Admit to your anxiety. That is a therapeutic tecnique that can work. Instead of trying to hide shyness and anxiety, openly admit it, look them in the eye and say "I am shy and I am nervous."

What do you think?

Allan:)

[smallstar]

Hi Allan, I think as I get older I am now more able to be open about the fact that I am nervous and get anxious, really that I don't do well socially. When I was younger I would have said there was no way I could just tell someone that I was too nervous to talk. I don't know but I will definitely try doing what you suggest because I feel that that is something I could do. I mean it is what it is and I guess it's better than saying nothing :) I am working on it, I am trying to be more confident and not worry so much but sometimes it's hard. I think that after I turned 17 and got my first job it really helped. Prior to that I was just unbearably shy and didn't even know how to respond to people. Now that I have been working with the public for so many years I am more than able to communicate with people on a business level. I am good at my job and am I have no trouble at all being shy nervous anxious or anything, it is great. However when it comes to anything personal I just shut down, it's so weird, I mean a question as simple as, What kind of music do you listen to?, just totally baffles me and I don't respond. I don't know I guess I will figure it out. Thank you for the advice, I will try it.

[smallstar]

never mind

[silentmist]

Uncomfortable silences are inevitable ... I think you'lll find that they are harmless, even funny. Sometimes it's nice just to sit and soak up the company around you. Also, your first meeting with him doesn't have to be a 'date' (not sure what that really means anyway), it could be just going out with a friend, no expecatations. Besides, if an intimate couple can't be friends to each other then the relationship probably wouldn't last anyway, IMO.

thank you silentmist. I understand what you're saying but I still feel like I'm missing something essential to make it in this world. Don't you think it's odd for someone who is 26 yrs old has never had a relationship? I don't know I just feel like I'm stuck and I'll never be where I want to be
Missing something essential ? .... ooo do tell! :D

I'm 33 and have never had a relationship. I'm stuck in this body of mine and people won't see me for who I am. It's extremely frustrating! I don't know if thats how you feel 'stuck' or not ... let us know :D

Being as your physically attractive you shouldn't have any major problems getting the affection you need from people. It's probably a matter of confidence with you. Experience will help with that, just like your first job did with your shyness.

Zac :)

[smallstar]

Hi Zac, thank you for your encouragement, on an intellectual level I can completely understand what you are saying however mentally I can not handle this! I am meeting him tonight, I know that this isn't going to help anything in the long run but I have drugs I can take to relax, I don't feel he gave me enough time to prepare myself for this, he only asked me last night and now I have to meet him tonight, I have to work all day till 4:30, I don't know I just wish I would have told him I was busy this weekend to give me more time but I already said yes. :( :eek: I wish I had some of your confidence silentmist, you seem so peaceful , I don't know what will happen and I'm really not that interested in finding. You are very kind to me, thank you

[silentmist]

Perhaps the high levels of anxiety are due to high expectations ... I don't know what the rest of your social life is like. Perhaps your feeling a lot of importance and meaning to this one social event with one person.

I can relate to your notion of understanding something on an intellectual level but it not helping the emotional anxiety ... for many people in this forum and the world I think thats true.

Your desire for avoidance is something i can relate to as well, speaking as someone who was labled with the tag of 'avoidant personality disorder' by one psychologist.

I think it comes down to this ... What do you want ?

[smallstar]

never mind

[Lie_low]

Sadstar, I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you sooner. I just read over your post and I could have written many of the same words myself. I hope to have a family someday but I have never even had a boyfriend. Social interactions really confuse me… and you all know that I have other problems. I’m upset for days after a bad date. Anyway...unfortunately no words of advice, I just wanted to say that I can relate.

[smallstar]

Thanks lie_low, I am glad you responded, not that I am glad you have the same troubles socially but it's nice to hear that someone else understands exactly what you're going through. Hope you're doing well :)

[finding my way]

sadstar, I feel a lot of relatioinship anxiety too. I think what you're doing is very good, you are going out there and having more experiences, sharing with us to help you process it all and hopefully get the support you need, then going right back out there to try again. Brave girl!!!! We are learning from you:)

[smallstar]

Hi finding my way, thank you so much for your encouragement! This is definitely easily the scariest thing I've ever done. I 've never even considered it before, honestly I don't know where this courage is coming from but I just really hope everything works out. I know it's not logical thinking but I just have this feeling that this is my only chance, that if it doesn't work out with this new guy that I won't have another opportunity. So far it is going good so I just hope that I don't mess it up! I am glad that sharing my experiences could possibly help someone. You can ask me any questions if you think I could help you :)

[finding my way]

Aha!! you've just discovered a limiting belief:

"I just have this feeling that this is my only chance, that if it doesn't work out with this new guy that I won't have another opportunity."

Is that true? Really? No! But believing it is putting all hopes on this one experience which is way too much and of course really stressing you out.

I'm all excited for you because I think you're doing CBT, rooting out your limiting beliefs:p Allan, help us out here!:)

[silentmist]

never mind
I wish I read that before you edited it.

[smallstar]

...................................

[smallstar]

Aha!! you've just discovered a limiting belief:

"I just have this feeling that this is my only chance, that if it doesn't work out with this new guy that I won't have another opportunity."

Is that true? Really? No! But believing it is putting all hopes on this one experience which is way too much and of course really stressing you out.

I'm all excited for you because I think you're doing CBT, rooting out your limiting beliefs:p Allan, help us out here!:)

Your excitement makes me feel happy, like I'm doing something right! :) I am really gonna try to not screw this up. Everything just seems so delicate that it's really hard to handle everything, but I'm trying!! Thanks for your support

[finding my way]

Aw, go ahead, screw it up. It's OK! Really! My first therapist said "I love making mistakes; that's how I learn!" I know it sounds crazy, but he is right. Screwing up is OK. Living so full of anxiety because you fear screwing up is not OK.... because it is an impossible set up! You WILL screw up sometimes!! That IS OK!!!:D

"I want my parents to be happy" Another limiting belief!!! What a haul in your bucket of fish. Can anyone but your parents make your parents happy????

Take your clown out to lunch or something... he needs a break:)

[smallstar]

Aw, go ahead, screw it up. It's OK! Really! My first therapist said "I love making mistakes; that's how I learn!" I know it sounds crazy, but he is right. Screwing up is OK. Living so full of anxiety because you fear screwing up is not OK.... because it is an impossible set up! You WILL screw up sometimes!! That IS OK!!!:D

"I want my parents to be happy" Another limiting belief!!! What a haul in your bucket of fish. Can anyone but your parents make your parents happy????

Take your clown out to lunch or something... he needs a break:)

Finding my Way, I can't screw it up :( I can't think of a worse statement. If I screw this up I don't know what I'll do. I know you learn from mistakes, but this isn't something I want to learn from, lol. This is something that just has to work.
As for my parents, yes I think that my life can make my parents happy or unhappy, easily. I feel a lot of pressure not to disappoint them, they have given everything to me, I'd like to be able to give something back. If I am unhappy it hurts them just as much as if they are unhappy it hurts me. I don't know if you can understand this but as much as I love my parents and they are good people, their hearts are in the right place, but at the same time they hold me back in so many ways and they don't even know it. I try so hard to balance my life and their life along with my siblings lives to try and keep everyone "okay". I know this probably doesn't make sense because there is just so much there that I can't talk about :(

[paula]

You can screw it up you know, finding my way said it is ok!

[malign]

Star,

I re-read your initial post in this thread, and the way it has turned out, and I need to tell you a story. No, it's not about a man named Brady; this one's mine.

I was 40 and had never had a serious girlfriend. I was just too ... well guarded, I guess. I was superficially fairly normal, not a shut-in. I dated occasionally. I just had a limit that I wouldn't let anyone get beyond.

Eventually, I met a woman who was divorced, with a 12-year-old son. I guess I had always hoped to be needed the way they, especially he, needed a man to complete their family. It very quickly became very important to me that I make this relationship work. I began to pull away from friends and from my family, because underneath, I was afraid that they would poke holes in this dream I was living in. I eventually married her.

Fast forward about seven years. Our son is a sophomore in college, our marriage has been fairly hellish, and I still haven't really let anyone in. Certainly not my wife, who had her own issues, which I had never allowed myself to see before we married.

What I'm saying is, you have plenty of time to learn to be you. Better to do it before you try to make the marriage dream happen, than after the divorce, the way I'm going to have to.

[smallstar]

hmmmm, I understand :( thank you for sharing your story. I don't know what to do, I just feel like I'm getting older, and nothing is happening in my life and I am running out of time. It's like I have just stopped progressing, I can't be done, can I? Right now things are going pretty good but I feel like I am about to mess it up at any moment. I have this strong feeling that something bad is going to happen soon, I don't see any future for myself, I just have this strange sense that nothing is real. I feel like I am just teetering, like I'm on the edge, of either something really good happening or like everything is just going to come crashing down. I don't know if I'm making sense but everything in my life seems so up in the air I just can't manage to keep everything in order. But anyway as much as I really need everything to work out with this guy at the same time I kind of feel like I wish I never met him. He's just something else for me to try and balance but I also need him and need this to work in order for everything else to be okay. I don't even know what I'm trying to say so I'm sure I'm not making sense. I think it's because I'm trying to describe a feeling and that is hard to do. I feel like I just need a break. I would love to be left alone and not have to worry about anybody. Now I just feel like screaming lol, I can't think about this anymore.

[malign]

"Done"? How old did you say you were, 26? :-)

I know it's hard, and there is a lot to balance in life. But believe me, there are going to be a lot of changes before you're "done". I think the trick is to build a "you" that can adapt, rather than trying to make your surroundings perfect and keep them there.

[smallstar]

"Done"? How old did you say you were, 26? :-)

I know it's hard, and there is a lot to balance in life. But believe me, there are going to be a lot of changes before you're "done". I think the trick is to build a "you" that can adapt, rather than trying to make your surroundings perfect and keep them there.

Hi Malign, I know, you are right, and I will figure this out one day, lol. You may not think 26 is old but I am just worried than because I'm already 26 and I don't even have the start of life that I'm running out of time :eek:

I don't think I try to make my surroundings perfect, you know what I think the real problem is, it's that I'm just scared. I am always so tense cause I just feel like the people I am surrounded by are very very delicate if you will. I have 4 siblings who don't do what I do as far as trying to maintain the peace, they think I'm nuts and I can't stand the looks they give me, I don't know how that they can't understand. I don't know why I think that getting married is gonna help this, maybe cause it'll get me out of my parents house, than maybe I could relax. But the HUGE problem with that is I feel very guilty whenever I leave my house for anything other than work. I don't know what my problem is but I will leave the house than actually get in my car and cry cause I feel so bad leaving but sometimes I have to. I can't always tell everyone no, I don't have a good reason. People can't understand, not that I would tell them, that I just can't leave unless everyone else is out. So as much as I want to get married and move out I don't even know how I could deal with it. ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[smallstar]

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, the more I write the more confused I get, I just have a feeling that something really bad is gonna happen soon

[finding my way]

smallstar and clown,

You guys DO need a break!! You are wearing yourselves out! Can you picture the two of you sitting cross-legged, meditating? Can you put down the spinning plates for just a minute?

Perhaps the feeling of dread you are having is that you are reaching the end of what you can handle, and that frightens you. I want to assure you though, that reaching the end of what you can handle might be OK. Please, listen. You are driven into this anxiety because of your thoughts and the beliefs behind them. Life wants to show you that there is more to live for than you yet know. Can you rest a little, get curious a little, be willing to learn a little? I know this is so hard. I know because I went through something similiar myself. :o

[smallstar]

smallstar and clown,

You guys DO need a break!! You are wearing yourselves out! Can you picture the two of you sitting cross-legged, meditating? Can you put down the spinning plates for just a minute?

Perhaps the feeling of dread you are having is that you are reaching the end of what you can handle, and that frightens you. I want to assure you though, that reaching the end of what you can handle might be OK. Please, listen. You are driven into this anxiety because of your thoughts and the beliefs behind them. Life wants to show you that there is more to live for than you yet know. Can you rest a little, get curious a little, be willing to learn a little? I know this is so hard. I know because I went through something similiar myself. :o

Hi finding my way, and thanks! I knwo what you're saying, it's just been so many years that it's hard to undo the way I think, it's such a part of who I am that I'm having a hard time changing. I am going to try to relax, I just need to get away for awhile, don't know how yet but I will

[finding my way]

Take it step be step. Piece by piece. Moment by moment. Breath by breath, if you can. I know so well that it isn't easy. It's only in the quiet stillness that you can hear your wisdom self whispering a new way for you. Of course, a therapist can help an awful lot too:p

[smallstar]

Well the second date went well. Great. Doesn't matter anyway cause after tonight I realize once again that my life sucks and no guy is going to change that and I'm not allowed to be happy this is my life and I should just accept it cause nothing is going to change. you have a couple of good days and you think things are okay, but they're not and they won't be. I WISH HE WOULD DROP DEAD

[smallstar]

i don't know why i thought it would work and i could have a normal life i never should have let that hope enter my mind i should know better. i mean 26 years later i should know better. i can't have a normal life i'm not allowed to live my life i can't make decisions, i need to be right here, at an arms length in case i'm needed. i can't just be left alone. which is all i want, to be left alone, is that so much to ask for

[tourdelove]

i don't know why i thought it would work and i could have a normal life i never should have let that hope enter my mind i should know better. i mean 26 years later i should know better. i can't have a normal life i'm not allowed to live my life i can't make decisions, i need to be right here, at an arms length in case i'm needed. i can't just be left alone. which is all i want, to be left alone, is that so much to ask for

Oh Star
What is going on? What happen in your life that changed your mind? What I can understand is that you are sad, but why? Tell me. Please?

And, know that, you can have a normal life, you deserve to be happy, you are allowed to live your life, you can make decisions! Don't give up, k?

Love
s

[smallstar]

My life happened, it is my life, I just had a bad night, but it just reminded me why I am the way I am and that even if I try to better myself there are so many circumstances I can't change. I don't know, I'm not giving up, it was just a bad night, today is already better! I think I am trying too hard and just need to try and relax, I always overthink everything, and take everything so personally, what's weird is I just can't figure out why I'm always so scared all the time when my brothers and sisters just dance thorugh life. I don't get it, but I am working on it. What I need before I can progress at all in life is to get rid of this constant fear. I can't get out exactly what I am trying to say, what I mean by being scared all the time, it's like constantly living on the edge just waiting for something to snap, I can always feel it, I'll be really happy and good than all of a sudden I remember.

[smallstar]

By the way, thank you tourdelove, and I just wanted to add as far as living my own life and making decisions I can't, not now,I don't know how to change that, but it's like my mind is always spinning trying to keep up with everything. Thats why I know that eventually I'm gonna slip up and I will lose this guy that I'm dating. I think God is trying to tell me that I can't have my life, not yet. Do you understand?

[smallstar]

You know what's really weird is I don't even know if I like this guy yet I sit here and worry and think and obsess as to whether or not he likes me, whether it will work out, or I will mess it up, why he hasn't messaged me, what if he changed his mind. But I'm sitting here thinking about it now and I don't even know if I like him. I am almost now afraid of what I am doing, what if I don't like him? I mean I guess maybe you can't tell such a thing after only two dates? I kind of thought that if it was right you knew. But I don't really like or dislike him, I'm so incredibly neutral on this that I can't believe this is the first time I've thought about this. The problem is, what if I don't like him? That would just be awful. I guess you can learn to love anyone though? The thing is if he likes me and continues to date me, chances are if he doesn't ditch me I will stay with him, marry him, whatever. I think I need to learn that he isn't the only guy out there. Well I guess I actually already know that, I guess my real worry is just time. I've been worrying so badly about screwing this up that I never even considered my feelings towards him. Maybe it's too early to tell. I really hope I do like him, because he is really nice to me. Maybe I am just worried because I would feel ashamed and embarassed if it didn't work out, that is why I didn't want to tell my family about him, because if he decides he doesn't like me I would be so embarassed to tell them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I just don't understand why I'm so worried about this when I don't really have anything invested in it, my heart isn't there in one sense. In the other my heart is there, as I am just assuming that this is who I'm meant to marry and have children with. I don't know, I just really hope I like him and hope even more that he likes me. :confused:

[tourdelove]

You know what's really weird is I don't even know if I like this guy yet I sit here and worry and think and obsess as to whether or not he likes me, whether it will work out, or I will mess it up, why he hasn't messaged me, what if he changed his mind. [...]The problem is, what if I don't like him? That would just be awful. I guess you can learn to love anyone though? The thing is if he likes me and continues to date me, chances are if he doesn't ditch me I will stay with him, marry him, whatever. I think I need to learn that he isn't the only guy out there.
:confused:

Well, after a few dates, you can definitely tell if you DON'T like a guy, I can tell you that much! Even after one date, right? Too, not know is ok! And to change your mind is certainly more than ok! Heck, to mess it up is ok! MOst of the time though, you think you messed it up, [like I do :D] but in your hearts of heart, you don't really. Rarely.

All to say, I think it's a sign of health to take manageable risks, like dating. I would suggest one thing though, so that you can stay on track as to what you want from a relationship, is to make a list. Of what kind of qualities you want him to have... I did one and it helps me focus on me right now [check my 'bloggr' for it]. What is important is what you want. If he ditches you or whatever, it's his loss! Seriously! I know, I know, I am in the same boat as you, but, even though I am all caught up in my loss of C_, I still can see that we weren't really compatible. Even if he had a lot of qualities I was looking for, he didn't have essential ones, like being into me! Ah! Like being affectionate! He promised a whole lot of things, but they didn't materialize so the hell with it. I may blame myself for not being 'adequate' enough or whatever, but in my hearts of hearts, I know that it's not really the problem.

I say, do the list, keep seeing him, and keep on assessing if that's you really want. But one thing is sure, there is other good guys out there and you deserve a good guy. That he likes you isn't enough if he doesn't meet your needs, or is totally incompatible [which mostly means, he doesn't meet your needs :p]. And if it doesn't end up working, whether it's him that leaves, or you, isn't not embarrassing, it's human. And if you are not ready, well you can always call it off. And date again later, knowing that you've actually done it before, and actually met a good guy, so you can do it again! And your list will also help you know yourself as well: What do you expect from yourself, what you need to work on as far as your goals and stuff. And you will grow through these experiences and gain insight.

;)
s

[smallstar]

...........

[smallstar]

i know the above post probably sounds stupid but i just have a really bad feeling after our conversation. i don't know what's on his mind but he has me upset. you know how sometimes you just get a feeling? I don't know but i don't want to know either, if he doesn't like me he should really stop messaging me, im not looking for a friend, i might be reading into things that arent there but i am just so freaking mad, he always has to talk in riddles. i dont want to deal with this i hope hes not messing with me

[tourdelove]

i know the above post probably sounds stupid but i just have a really bad feeling after our conversation. i don't know what's on his mind but he has me upset. you know how sometimes you just get a feeling? I don't know but i don't want to know either, if he doesn't like me he should really stop messaging me, im not looking for a friend, i might be reading into things that arent there but i am just so freaking mad, he always has to talk in riddles. i dont want to deal with this i hope hes not messing with me

Well, ya, talking in riddles is really annoying! Did you tell him, like: "I don't understand what you're saying? Can you explain? I am not understanding where you're going with the 'you should adopt thing?' I find it a bit offending."

Maybe let the dust settle a bit so that you're not totally still angry with him when you ask him that, so that you can better judge if this was miscommunication... Sometimes we say dumb stuff, right? I know I do... Sometimes I thought I was 'funny' but really wasn't. At ALL! But say I didn't even notice it, and this person I offended by mistake doesn't tell me, I can't really rectify the situation... But if they do confront me, I will sure apologize and try and tell them what my intention was in the first place. I find that it is rare that people intentionally want to offend and upset another. Either they just weren't mindful enough that time to get their foot out of their mouth, or they are too caught up in their own stuff, and this comment isn't even directed at you in reality.

I mean, you don't have to go through with this. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's not worth it, don't, and that's totally fine! but on the other hand, you could try some assertive experiment, techniques on him, just for the heck of it, and see what happens, after you've asked for an explanation. There's not too much too lose I think by doing so, but much to gain: the fact that you stood up for yourself in a reasonable way! If what he comes up with isn't satisfying, than you'll have your answer. Just saying, because, if he texted you this, sometimes texts are weird and you can really read a lot that isn't there in them, I find...

Hope this helps a bit.
S

[smallstar]

Yeah I always say stupid stuff I regret. But I don't think any of it even matters now. I'm so scared right now I'm having trouble just writing this. He's not talking to me and I hate myself for allowing him to hurt me like this when I don't even care. I don't even know if I liked him, but I think its over and I'm just sad, I ruined it and I don't even know what I did.

[humble1]

Smallstar, Hello.

I have this feeling when I read your posts (I just finished reading them.) There is a sort of "tip of the iceberg" feeling that I get about you, or the reason why you are here. It is hard to explain.

I can see that it is important for you to find a future husband, or at least it is very important to you as an auxiliary to some other goal. I think you observed as much in your post, that perhaps the marriage/husband/children scenario could be an extension or ideation of something else, maybe...

Or maybe you really do just want a husband and family. Which is a wonderful desire.

You have this feeling that you are running out of time; I suppose we all are, but it is not as dire as you might think, I suspect. A lot can happen in a year, a month, a week. The essential thing is, it is impossible to predict most everything that could happen tomorrow, or any day after it, for that matter. Goals and plans are great ways to sort of influence the future insofar as they can, but they can not predict it.

I am not saying anything you don't know already. You are obviously intelligent, introspective, sensitive.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that the only thing you really can control is you. Everything else just sort of falls into place around that. Your future husband will thank you for not settling for someone else. He's out there.

I am not sure why I am taking the tack that I am with this response. I think it is that I get this overall impression that knowing what is going to happen is very important to you.

I'll leave off here, but thanks for your candid and thoughtful posts, Smallstar. They rock.:) I'll write more later. My eyes hurt.

B

[butterfly29]

Awe Small Star.... Sweetie, you don't need drugs to make a date go well. If the guy doesn't like you the way you are then he isn't the right one for you.

I know it is scary. I was like you for many years. I was so shy. I barely talked to a soul. I couldn't get up in speak in front of the class if my life depended on it. I was scared of my own shadow. I had issues. I had no idea why I was like that so I would get high and go out on dates. Wrong thing to do. Talk about backfires. Later in life I realized I needed to find out what had happened in my life that caused me to be the way I was. Once I found out I was able to work on it and now I am very outgoing. I can talk to anyone anywhere. Oh, still not in front of people though. ;)

Have you thought about trying to find out what causes you to feel this way? I get workbooks to work on a lot and they help so much. I learn so much about myself. There are some out there that may help you feel more confident about yourself. Maybe think about it?

When you find the right man, you will know it. He will be the one who likes you for who you are. :)

hugs....Butterfly

[smallstar]

Thanks humble1! You are mostly right, it seems like this is all I ever think about and I guess what one of the main problems is is that I do feel like I don't have many chances left. I do suppose however that I can expect one of the first two people I've ever dated to be "the one", I just want him to be, illogical I know, nonetheless I can't shake this feeling. I have a feeling that guy #2 is talking to some other girl now, which is fine, because I don't really have a choice, but I just wish he would tell me what is up cause at this rate I will drive myself crazy worrying and trying to figure how I managed to screw it up when I was so careful not to.

Butterfly, thanks for reading through my ridiculous posts, they're all over the place and I appreciate you taking the time to read through. I know I shouldn't take any drugs before/during a date but I just have a lot of trouble with myself and I don't know if I would make it to the date otherwise :(. Do selfhelp books really work? I would love to be able to work through this and become a better person who is in charge of their own life. I always put others first, which I believe is a wonderful thing but I guess sometimes you can get walked all over when you're not careful. Not that I feel people intentionally take advantage of me, I just make it so easy. Being so careful not to hurt the people closest to me in my life has left me sort of confused, I can't explain what I am trying to say I just sort of feel like I don't have any control of my own life. I have faith though in God, and I'm sure patience is the answer, I just wish I was a stronger person. I'm sorry I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and thank you for your words!

[Just Me]

Good morning SmallStar,

So, with this guy gone, who is going to be your next target? When you fall off the horse you don't wait to get back on. Consider this whole dating thing as a learning experience. You were scared to go on your first date but you survived it. You were scared to go on a second date but you survived that. Truth is, second dates are rare so I say you did pretty good for yourself. The whole thing failed because you said it was going to from the start. Self fulfilling prophesy. So go give yourself permission to screw up a few more dates. You have plenty of time to worry about not screwing up a date later but since you feel it's inevitable that you are going to, then give yourself permission to do just that. This way you can look forward to going on dates. Tell yourself, "I'm going to go out to dinner and screw it up". Eventually you will find someone that you really like and then you can worry about whether or not he likes you. By then though, you will at least have learned to be more comfortable with the dating part. If Mr. Right happens to come along you won't be able to screw it so you don't need to even worry about that.

If there is 100 fish in the sea and you are just now learning how to fish you can't expect to catch the big one on the first or second try. Become a good fisherman first then worry about catching the big one. ;)

[smallstar]

hi justme, thank you. I'm not so sure about the self fulfilling prophecy thing, I mean I tried so hard, it wasn't like I was trying to mess up, you know? Actually I don't even know if it's over or not. I'm starting to get irritated with him because he's just acting weird and not really talking to me. How do I find out what's going on? I mean especially if it's all in my head, I mean what if everything's fine then I go and ask him what's wrong and he thinks I'm crazy and needy and that's how I mess it up. I have heard the expression about all the fish in the sea and all that but I don't really see any other options right now. I guess maybe the only thing left to do is try being patient for a little longer and maybe see what next year brings, maybe something good will happen. I almost wish that I never even decided to start dating because it seems to me I just wind up being upset, whether I like the person or not. What's the point? Why should I be upset if I don't even know if I like him? I don't know. But I was surprised when you said second dates were rare. I'm really ignorant on the whole dynamics of dating so I don't really know what is expected, maybe that's why I feel like I always mess it up. The first two dates were good, and nothing bad happened since then, other than him not really talking to me, so I just can't figure out what has changed. I am not going to give up I am going to take your advice. Maybe if I don't always worry so much I won't get so upset when it doesn't work out.

[Just Me]

There could be any number of reasons why he isn't talking that much. Remember, you are only dating right now, dating is not a relationship, dating is spending time getting to know each other. That's why I say, if you mess it up, no big deal. You had said you had joined a dating service so, cast out a line and see what else is out there. It's perfectly OK to date more than one person at a time if you want to.

Since this is all so new to you, do a search on the net for dating tips. There is a ton of stuff out there all because it is very confusing to most people, not just you.

[smallstar]

Just a quick question just me, I understand we're just dating but being that for the last month or longer we have been talking every night, don't you think he should tell me what is going on? I mean it's not like anything happened that I know of, he just stopped talking to me out of the blue. Even if he does come online, at this point I will not i'm him unless he messages me first. It is through a dating service, so do you think it would look weird if I were to go and leave him an email through that service just to try and ask him, in a non-crazy kind of way hopefully, what is going on? If I ever find out from him why he is not talking to me anymore I am probably going to withdraw from the dating site for a while. Not because I am quitting on dating but I don't think I do well with the internet or at least not with the ones I met. But I still think he should tell me what is going on, or am I wrong?

[Just Me]

You aren't wrong in thinking he should tell you but you are wrong in thinking he will tell you and if you corner him into telling you, you really can't trust what he says anyway.

Just because people should be upfront and honest doesn't mean they will be. People have a hard time with their emotions, have a hard time expressing those emotions so honesty and confrontation tend to fall flat.

When I said it could be any number of things, it really could be. What if he got back together with an ex? Found someone better suited to him? These things would have nothing to do with you, it's just what dating is all about. Someday you will meet someone and you feel like WOW and if you are dating like you are now you will know it's time to break off the relationship but then what do you tell him? How will you tell him? You will be afraid of hurting his feelings because he's a nice guy. That may be where he is coming from. A cowards way out but there are more cowards than anyone else. Before you jump to a conclusion though, it may be that he is down about something in his own life and is withdrawing from everyone right now. We've all been there before. Women are more apt to share emotions with others when they are down, men are more apt to withdraw to silence. It's just the way it is. What if he suddenly realized he has deep emotions for you and those emotions scare him so he's going to run away from them? If this is the case, just let him go anyway. The last thing you need is someone who can't confront emotions. So if he's gone, he's gone, just by his own actions he's proven he is not the right person for you so it doesn't matter why.

If "if's" and "buts" were toys and trucks it would be Christmas everyday!

Don't get hung up on the why and don't assume it has anything to do with you just take it for what it is, he's not the right person for you. The problem with wanting something so badly is we tend to fall for the first thing that comes along and make it into something it is not. Don't let that happen to you. Keep going until you find the one who fulfills your needs. As I said before, you won't be able to chase Mr. Right away and Mr. Right won't run either. So when one runs away, wave bye bye! I'm pretty sure most of us here can name a number of times we wish we had waved Mr/Mrs Wrong goodbye because hanging onto to someone who isn't right will drive you insane.

I don't care about him, nor do I care for him because he is hurting you and not providing for your needs so I say good riddens to him. Easy for me to do because I care about you and the sooner this guy is out of your life the sooner you can find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. :D Love yourself.

[smallstar]

Don't get hung up on the why and don't assume it has anything to do with you just take it for what it is, he's not the right person for you. The problem with wanting something so badly is we tend to fall for the first thing that comes along and make it into something it is not. Don't let that happen to you. Keep going until you find the one who fulfills your needs. As I said before, you won't be able to chase Mr. Right away and Mr. Right won't run either. So when one runs away, wave bye bye! I'm pretty sure most of us here can name a number of times we wish we had waved Mr/Mrs Wrong goodbye because hanging onto to someone who isn't right will drive you insane.

Hi just me, and thank you. I have been thinking about exactly what you put here. I am afraid I will just settle for someone. For both reasons you put here. First of all this is something that I just want to happen so badly that I can't even decide whether or not I have any feelings for this guy, I just love the idea of it and I can't separate it. Also cause you are right I would not want to hurt anyone's feelings so even if I feel the person isn't right for me I fear I might wind up staying with them unless they were bluntly mean to me or something like that.
But thanks so much just me, I really appreciate the time you have taken to help me. Have a good day!

[JessicaVAM]

I just kind of skimmed through your post (4 kids running around, and I'm a slow reader haha) and I just wanted to say I completely feel you. Wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling so shy, and I used to be embarrassed to tears to say anything out loud in school. I cried almost every single time. Felt like I couldn't breath. And had it not been for my only friend in high school, I would have never gotten a job to get used to talking to people in a business sense. Her uncle owned a restaurant and said to say I was her friend.... And thats ALL I got out.. was I wanted a job and I was her friend.. other than that my head was down and I had to labor to breath! haha...

To go out is a step (I couldn't even do that)... just let whatever happens happen I guess. Thats what I have done and I have found if you focus the majority of the conversation on them (ask questions that you are passionate about) I finally hit a spot I can relate and can finally feel like I can say something to them. If they aren't afraid to tell you about themselves for you to get to know them, eventually they should make you feel like its safe for you to calm down and TRY to enjoy yourself.. Easier said than done, I know =) Good luck

[smallstar]

Hi Jessica, I think what I need to try and figure out is why I worry so much about what I say but I guess it's because I'm just so used to saying the wrong thing which I think could possibly be from my lack of social experiences which I lack for two reasons. But anyway I think I have halfway beat the shyness. By the way, my first job I didn't have to talk to anyone to get, I didn't even want the job, my dad just got it for me, didn't even ask if I wanted it. I was really mad at first but eventually I was glad, it really helped me. Anyway I just wish that I could just get over all of it, the shyness, the anxiety, the nervousness, it makes everything seem like work rather than fun. And from what I understand dating is supposed to be fun. I feel like I am just losing time. When I was a kid and I pictured my life as an adult I always saw my own home a husband and children. Now when I picture the future I really don't see anything, I sometimes think maybe that's just my will and I need to start paying attention to His will. But it's not like my life is anything special, it's not like by not getting married and having the life I want that I'm making some kind of difference in this world. I mean it almost makes everything kind of pointless. I don't know, but I am intending on figuring it out, I just need to start making better decisions.

[smallstar]

I just don't understand how it seems that so many people on here discuss they're own problems with anxiety, fear of social situations, fear of speaking, being shy, etc., yet it always seems like their next line is "my husband/wife". I just feel like I am doomed to this being it for me. And I hate it, I am not at all content, I feel like if I have to go through one more day like this, repetitive, filled with tenseness, anger, fear, worry, hate, well one more day, it's just like it gets more set in stone. I hate it, I just wait to go to bed, that's all I have to look forward to. How does everyone else just seem to be married, have a life, like it's such a natural thing? I find life impossible. I am constantly thinking, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, I know everyone says there's no such thing as "normal" but it sure seems to me that the norm is to have your own life, family, marriage, it's just the way it is. I know this sounds like a whine fest but I just can't figure out what to do. I see no changes coming in the near future. I couldn't even make anything happen when I joined a dating website, does it get more pathetic than that? I gave that up, too much stress, it's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't deal with meeting people and interacting with him. It is just impossible. I will invariably screw it up, I have proved it. I don't even know what I want anymore, all I know is that somthing needs to change but I am not capable of changing anything. You ever get that feeling where you'll be sitting at work or whereever and think, I want to go home, than later on you're sitting at home and all of a sudden think I want to go home, and than realize, oh crap, this is it, I am home. I don't know, I just wish they would leave me alone.

[paula]

Hi smallstar

I am not married so don't worry! I do have two grown up boys aged 27yrs & 21yrs though! I have been on my own for over 11 years. Prefer it that way as well!

I am also going through a crisis time in my life at the moment! This time though, it does seem to be taking a long time to start feeling like my life is starting coming back on track, if you know what I mean?

I have been hospitalised quite a few times though, for trying to take my own life. At the moment I am on injections every two weeks as I am not trusted with any medication for the time being. However, I am on medication of a night to try and help me sleep, which IMO Are shite! I do know that this is just a temporary thing till I start to get my moods back on a high/better than they are now!

You take care now and I'm here if ever you want to talk! However, for the next four days, I have to attend a Dyslexic program, which is going to take me over 2hrs travel on the train to get there! I am booked into a bed & breakfast in a cottage to carry out this program so... from tomorrow afternoon, I will be off line till Thursday evening.

Take care.

[malign]

Oh, and star? How about all the people who've just got done saying "I hate" just before "my husband/wife"? Seriously, there's no hurry: it's hurrying that gets you into trouble.

You are special. Someone will see it. If you can just let go.

[smallstar]

I understand, Malign, what you're saying. And I know everyone says don't rush it, be patient, etc. However, first of all I'm getting closer to 30 yrs all the time, if I'm 30 and still in this pathetic boat, I don't even want to imagine it. I guess I would be more patient and willing to wait if I felt like there was something I was waiting for, I just can't see a change, but I just can't see anything changing anytime soon. It's like with each day that passes it's just seems more solid, this is my life, accept it. I don't know, I'm just trying to figure out what to do. Cause I know there's gotta be something I can do, well I mean, I know that I only can make the changes. Just trying to figure out what I need to do.

[malign]

I know "almost 30" is nearly unimaginable to you (it was to me, at your age), but my sympathy on that count is limited: I married my first serious girlfriend after 40, remember, and I'm approaching 50 with the prospect of being single again. Age is a number, not a score.

What I see is that you've begun to get a clear idea that you want to change, and how to do it. Now the only defense your brain has is to claim that you can't.

I'm not going to beat you up about it; just pointing out the phase you're in. I will repeat the important part: You are special. It will come. Whatever you want "it" to be.

[smallstar]

okay, yes, I can understand why you wouldn't have too much sympathy when it comes to the age thing, I'm sorry :(

But, it's not a defense, the I can't, I realized last night that I really can't, not that I don't want to, it's just too much. Well actually I guess maybe can't isn't the right word. Because obviously there must be a way but (I know too many buts!) I really just don't see a way around anything. Okay, I'm talking in circles here, I'm confusing myself. My new thing is to ask myself questions and try to figure out the honest answer, I sometimes learn things that way that I didn't understand before. But I think that I know logically that things could be very different for me if I didn't worry about how someone else would feel if I did what I wanted to do. But it wouldn't even work out anyway because I would feel too guilty leaving, I just become near psychotic, so angry at myself, I just scream at her, than it's like okay now I can't go back in but I don't want to do anything else so I will drive around and try to calm down. I think that this is what I need to fix but I think that would require telling someone this and I wouldn't want her to hurt at all and if they knew just how hard it was, how I actually felt it would just hurt them. I don't know I just don't like to see anyone sad. I mean I know the feeling and I can't bear for someone else to feel that badly. I guess a lot of people are like that, would take all the pain there was but just can't see other people feel that way. I guess I feel worse if I hurt them than I do if I just don't try, just basically try to do what I can to make sure everything is okay.

[malign]

Oh, star, I do understand perfectly the desire to at least not hurt anyone, even if it means never doing anything.

The problem is that it's impossible.

In particular, anyone who cares about you, watching you do nothing to help yourself, is going to hurt. But yes, doing something to help yourself might also hurt, them or other people. Weirdest of all, doing something to help yourself might also hurt you! That would be the case, for instance, during withdrawal from drug addiction. There's just no way to go through your life on the minimum-hurt, least-resistance path. The path itself doesn't exist. (Which doesn't mean I haven't tried it, a time or two or a hundred.)

"To thine own self be true." Shakespeare was no dummy, even if he is dead.

(And you have to know, by now, that I was teasing you about the age thing.)

Another thing I do, when I do the "I can't" thing, is to build up a mountain in front of me, then refuse to climb it. I've heard 'kaudio' talk about this, that a mountain is just a bunch of grains of sand, one after the other. Or the old Chinese thing, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Do one thing. Then do another. Don't stop to worry. It's hard. It'll hurt. But not doing hurts, too, and with not doing, there's no hope of anything changing.

[smallstar]

....................

[ASchwartz]

Hi Smallstar,

You know, Malign makes a lot of sense and you do seem to realize it.

Actually, I find myself wishing you could enter Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Malign has identified one of the things that gets you into trouble and it has to do with some of your thoughts. Telling yourself something like: "I can't," is an example of an automatic thought that is not accurate and is unhelpful to you. Another you mention is, "I always say the wrong thing," when on a date, or, "its too much, I can't change anything."

You do not "always" say the wrong thing, you just think you do and the same with the other types of comments and thoughts.

CBT would help you correct your thinking and would also help you reduce yur anxieties and depression and allow you to start going out and dating.

You know Star, men also have fears and depression and also worry that they are saying the wrong thing. I would bet anything that there are really good men, your age, who would love to go out with you and form a relationship with you.

I have a question: Are you fearful about getting really close to a man and falling in love?

Allan :)

[smallstar]

hi, yeah, I know Malign makes sense, I am just trying to figure out what I should do. As for the thoughts, I guess the problem I am having there is I don't really see that when I say I can't that it is not true. I think about it, and it's just like there's too many things that conflict, I don't think that I can't is just an excuse I just don't see a way at the moment. I am looking into cbt at the moment, it is something that I do find interesting and I am hoping that if you're right and it's just my brain telling me I can't, and other thoughts that seem to pop up that aren't helpful than maybe I can start to change things. And no, I don't think I am afraid of meeting a man and falling in love, that is what I want. I think that what I am afraid of is that I know that I won't be able to get close to a man, I have trouble feeling comfortable, and I just don't know how to be with people, and I guess I know that if anything started to get serious I would be too afraid to keep going. I get too nervous and then I get mad at myself and then I give up. So I'm just trying to figure out how to get past all that so that I can get close to and fall in love with a man. I just think it would take me a long time to even begin to feel comfortable, too long, and then he would lose interest because I know I would be dodging any questions that I found to be personal, it just wouldn't work.