Can't seem to get over my recent 'dating' exprience

[tourdelove]

Hi folks!
I hope someone can help... I feel pretty down on myself and a bit stupid right now.

The situation: I am 36, and was in a long relationship [7 years] which I ended 2 years ago. I finally decided that this was not what I wanted as I felt that I was doing most of the compromises in the relationship: working a lot, commuting long distances, grabbing groceries along my way, etc. While my ex was not working 7 months out of the year and just skiing... When I asked for what I wanted, get closer to my workplace, and getting our finances in a better place, getting married, I always met a no, so I moved on, finally....

After that I was single for months, then started to see guys... And had a 'lover' for 5 months to which I got attached until I realized that he was totally unavailable emotionally, so I stopped that. Then started dating a few months after. Met another guy. It didn't work as I wasn't attracted enough to him and he was leaving the country anyway...

Still, I got attached to him only because I think I felt more and more like I was going to be alone for the rest of my life... My goal is to have a relationship again, one that works, but I live in a small ski town, where all the guys are so young, and there is not much older available guys it seems. So I feel anxious that my dream of being in a good relationship is not going to happen...

Anyway, all that to this point, where 2 months ago, I met a pretty nice guy, to which I was attracted, who was my age, and who wanted a relationship... We dated until a week ago... There was problems right of the bat though: it seems that even though I felt good about being with him, three weeks into dating, he told me that he wasn't sure if we were "compatible", but he still wanted to see where it would lead. I think I should have quit before I got attached, but I went along. I felt like he tried to be a good man... He always came over when I invited him, texted me almost everyday to ask how I was... I met his friends, he met mine... But still, I felt like I was getting upset all the time, not getting enough affection from him, but didn't stop seeing him even though I felt like he wasn't into me...

Now, 2 weeks ago, he told me over the phone that there wasn't enough chemistry. But said that he still wanted to communicate with me... But now I feel so sad, and constantly hope he will call. I am so down and I stopped running, skiing, I started smoking again because my best friend is a smoker. One other thing that doesn't help is I lost my job [right at the time when I met him].

I just feel obsessed and can't seem to shake this! I have no money! I can't find a job, smoke, and feel ashamed of myself, cry all the time. I know I get attached too quickly. I don't know what to do! I feel like I am starting to be a real burden to my friends! I can't bear the idea of seeing him with another woman! I feel like a stupid little girl because it was such a short dating thing and can't seem to find anyone else attractive now!

PLEASE HELP!

thank you for reading.
Love
s

[silentmist]

hey tourdelove :)

I don't have any personal experiences with sexual relationships but I'll put my 2 cents in anyway ...

I think that dating is one of the most dehumanising aspects of human behaviour that has ever developed. The idea that we design a relationship around the intention of having sexual intercoarse with someone based on inherently superficial qualities ... no wonder there is such much misery and insecurity in the world. Then, on top of this, we have the audacity to think of this behaviour as 'love' ... so that means that if you can't find someone that wants to copulate with you because your 'attractive' then you are somehow 'unlovable' ... if you think about it, it's actually quite evil.

Friendship is where love exists because it's about giving, not desiring.

I hope this helps a little.

[tourdelove]

Hi again,
Silent, thanks for your reply silent. The thing is I was referring more to a full relationship as opposed to solely a sexual one. I do understand what you mean though: I believe that in order to develop, a love relationship should also include a lot of the same quality that friendship does. I do have friends, and yes, I find love in these types of interactions. But, I would also like to develop a love relationship as well with a man. ...

[tourdelove]

Well, Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend. She is a wonderful person, she's just a few years older than I but has been in a loving, nurturing relationship for 15 years now, which I have a lot of admiration for.

Anyway, she had a whole different way, pretty bold way of seeing my problem...She recommended for me to just go and talk to him, and tell him how I feel [she said if you feel like you want to explore this further].

Thing is, I have read so much 'love ad-vices' on the net, now I am all confused. It seems all theses advices from experts say that if a guy isn't interested, just move on. The "he's not that into you" blabla. Sure, but somehow I feel like we're not done here. Maybe I want some clear closure, maybe I can't see the light. I just feel like he hasn't seen me for who I am. I am currently trying to decide if I have the guts to go and open my heart again to him, in a non clingy type of way hopefully.

It's true that I wasn't able to relax enough with this so that I could be fully comfortable with him. The fact that he told me he wasn't sure if we were compatible just made me feel like I was being evaluated, instead of seeing it like we are BOTH evaluating this and so I became my weak self, being self conscious, not wanting to stir the waters too much in fear of rejection. Argh. I do this a lot. The ironic thing is I have the feeling I end up being rejected sometimes because I can't be strong enough and be myself!

So what is it that I'm going to do? Call him up and say 'I want to talk to you face to face'. When I am there, what am I going to say?

"I like you but I feel like we didn't get a chance to connect fully. When you told me you weren't sure if we were compatible, it just made me all self conscious and I felt like it cut off my wings a bit. Is it that you aren't attracted one bit?"

How can I communicate with him, what sort of questions should I ask?
anyway... help is appreciated.
thanks
s

[kaudio]

Welcome to the community, tourdelove. For convenience I have merged your posts together to make things easier to follow. I read your post and I am sorry to hear of your relationship problems. Breaking up with your boyfriend must have been very difficult; but, stressful times like these require that you pay some attention to your needs. If you can, try to drink some milk and consider including eggs in your diet. You may think it a bit bizarre that I make dietary suggestions to partly address your problem, but the nutrients in milk and eggs can help mitigate some of the down feelings you may be experiencing now.

Also, I just want to touch upon your comment about being alone for the rest of your life. From your post I gather that you are a driven young woman who knows what she wants. You want a fulfilling relationship with a man, and that is probably as clear for us as it is for those who know you. But, I get the impression that you may also be worried that this concern is driving you to make decisions out of desperation. Certainly, these concerns are legitimate, but I do not think it is productive to dwell upon your previous relationships very much unless there are some lessons to be learned from them that can be applied to your current relationship.

You raised some good points about being a little slow to open up to others, your fear of rejection, and the feeling that you were being evaluated by your boyfriend which made you somewhat self-conscious. So the decision is entirely yours to either share these points with this man, or to keep them in mind for the next time. If you do want to talk to him, maybe you should call to say hello and ask him to read an email message that you have written out. This will give yourself some time to express yourself the way you want while giving him the same opportunity to respond in kind.

[Pseudonym]

First, welcome to the community, We are glad to have you. I would like to say that I have found myself becoming much too attached to individuals, much too quickly. Probably because of my Low Self Image and low self esteem. That said I began recently making conscious steps to take my recent relationship slow.

Why I say this is because you seemed to have recognized the problem. You are becoming attached too quickly. Mistake, you are wishing to rectify this problem by going to the last person who it effected. I understand that you feel that you may not get another man, but the fact is we do no service to ourselves by looking backwards to our mistakes. It is, in the end, how we rectify the mistakes in the future, with future people. What would be healthy is taking this energy that you are using for deconstruction of yourself, and utilizing it to build. This easier said than done, any person in this site understands this, but this is the only way to correct the situation.

Understand these facts.
Fact 1 - There is certainly some blame to the previous relationships on both of you.
Fact 2 - You cannot correct him, and by trying to strike up a personal relationship again will end in the same result.
Fact 3 - You can correct yourself, and rectify the problem you have presented to us.
Fact 4 - There is never a pond too small to catch new fish. Oppurtunity is around every corner, especially if you don't expect it. There will be another guy, and you will be able to take what you have learned from the last situation and apply it.
Fact 5 - Information is the key. The next person, when they come, must be aware that you wish to consciously slow things down and see if it works (after all you don't want to pay for a mistake that takes years).

In the end you will do yourself no service by dwelling in the past. The point is to learn from your mistakes, learn to recognize their mistakes, and move on.

Hope I've been of help.

- Anonymous.

[etp1017]

Personally I can relate to Tourdelove's experience all to well. After many negative dating experiences it was impossible for me not to "take it personally" and unfortunately negative dating experiences can leave someone in a state of being scared to get hurt again and desperate for a positive experience. Not a healthy place to come from and I did get myself into an unhealthy relationship from that place. This relationship lasted 8 years (not all bad, but unhealthy just the same). Now that I am older (wiser?) I do not feel like I want to give myself to something unhealthy as who has that kind of time. What I can see now that I think is important to consider is that we live in an age of instant gratification. We also do not need a partner to exist on this planet the way previous generations did. Basically if someone isn't "perfect" in someones eyes - out they go. They just go back to the club pick up someone else or go online and find someone new. Easy, especially if one is young and good looking. What I have found that helps me is to focus on myself, doing things I enjoy and having good friends to spend time with. When someone comes along... I am in a solid emotional place to make a healthy assessment of this person (extremely important) and also have my emotional self to offer them. At least this way I have a better chance of finding a healthier relationship.
In my opinion, closure is always good, expressing how you feel is always important and will help you to see how this gentleman is with your feelings. If he cannot handle you expressing your thoughts and feelings then that would not be a good sign. Hope this helps.

[tourdelove]

thanks guys for your comments. I take them to heart right now. I feel quite depressed about this, amongst other things. Anyway. Still haven't made a decision on this.

Yesterday, my friend told me she saw him on his mountain bike on Sunday. So, I couldn't resist. I know he hadn't been doing much this winter except working... So I felt happy for him that he got to bike [his passion]. So I texted him to test the waters... I said "hey, you must be happy now that the trails are finally open". He texted back, like he usually does, with an inside joke, polite I guess, but.

He said: "too busy watching American Idol. How are you? How's the ski life?"

To witch I replayed: "I forgot all about the Idol mania... I'll watch it when you'll be on it [he can sing...]. Skiing ok. I want a job though."

Anyway. That was it. I just wish we could express feelings but if I am only going to text and him too, what the heck. I was that close to calling, because I was happy that he replied, but then I lost my guts thinking: "what am I going to say to him? Do I feel solid enough for more rejection right now?"

So not happy.