lost sexually

[onering]

I am 29 and married to a wonderful man for a little less than a year now. He is a fantastic provider, husband, father to my son and couldn't say enough good things about him. With that said, I have very little desire to have sex with him lately and I get really upset with him when he brings it up(which is daily). I have been really trying to explore the issue on my own because I have a hard time even thinking about discussing it with him(and boy does he try). I have just never been that great of a communicator. Things I know-
1- I am attracted to my husband
2- we had ALOT of sex when we were first together, which we would fantasize and talk dirty together about things like threesomes and dom/sub kind of stuff and would also get pretty rough with each other(I like to be slapped around and choked sometimes), but within the last 6 months or so I really have no desire to have sex with him
3- my husband is always horny and always asking
4- first time I had sex, I was raped, never really worked that out
5-I have had alot of sexual partners including girls(my husband doesnt really know how many, kind of embarassed about it)
6- when I fantasize, it is usually about situations were a girl has no power sexually with other male(s), and I have never admitted that to anyone until now
7- I masturbate in secret alot
8- my husband has been really pushing since we were married to bring other people into the bedroom with us(too "spice it up") which I seemed to be ok with before we were married(I like to experiment) but I hate the idea when he brings it up now, although if I thing about it without him bringing it up it really turns me on

OK so I dont really know how pertinant all that information is but I just really need help.

I love my husband and I want to get the desire back to have sex with him. I dont know if due to the fact that ive had some sexual issues in the past that have never really been addressed(i.e. rape and alot of permiscuous sex after that) maybe thats why im having such a problem now, or if there is something else that im not seeing. But why would I take that out now on the one really great relationship Ive ever had? I just know I shouldnt be this sick to my stomache 10 months into my marrriage about not wanting to have sex with my husband. Maybe because I have never been the conventional girl and now that Im in this conventional housewife role Im just too bored with "vanilla" and maybe I should go along with the idea of spicing things up and bringing other people into the bedroom? But is that just gonna make me feel used, which is the same feeling Im still trying to shake from my past experiences? Will it just creat more problems? Is any of this making sense??? I just dont want to lose my husband over this. This is a daily fight with us now. Does anyone have any insight? Please, I dont know what is wrong with me or what I should do...I have always considered myself a sexual person and now I feel like Im lossing my identity too...

[tourdelove]

Hey onering,
first, welcome!

I'll try my best to help. First thing first, it seems like you are ambivalent about the threesome thing in the sense that you don't really want to do it RIGHT NOW. I personally think it might make things worst right at the moment, so maybe postpone this. I mean it could be an idea, but don't just do it to please your hubby. I know he's discontent right now but you are too. Do you really think this has to do with your past? It's possible, but it could also have to do with your present right?

Losing sexual desire is a really strange and disheartening feeling when you have always liked sex in the past and you feel love and loved by your partner. I only say that because it happened to me... When it happen to me, I tried to hide the resentment I harbored toward my ex :eek: (yes, sorry to say but it didn't work out in the end...but it doesn't mean it will happen to you! Our situation are different). I acted out instead, in the hope that he would get that I wasn't happy. I didn't want to stop feeling desire, it just happened. But in hindsight, I know why it happen now. We had great sex for a long time, but then, when I started expressing that I wasn't happy about the fact that he was sitting at home all day, 7 month out of the year, while I commuted a long way to my work, and he categorically didn't even want to consider moving closer to my work, and was lazy around the house... (and several other issues)... I slowly pulled away. Also, he watched a lot of porn, jerked off several times a day, collected images of naked girls on his computer... It doesn't have to be a problem in it self, but for me, it was like I didn't want to go that far, it didn't turn me on, I saw it as an addiction on is part, like he was so bored all day, he got hooked up on this. And he wasn't willing in any way shape or form willing to chill out on that issue.

The point is, maybe there is something that did change in you. It might not have to do with the past. Are there other things you are not happy with him or in the relationship, that could cause your lack of desire? You might want to check that out.

I mean sex is great, yeah, but, let him know you still love him but you need a breather. He might be upset, but I mean, he will not die from lack of sex ;) . He should be able to hold off a bit, it is important that he can understand and do this for you, even if it's no fun.

I would also suggest maybe checking in with a counselor... That can help a lot to see both sides.

Keep on posting as you discover more about your situation.
good luck
s

[Jeroen]

Dear Onering,

Whow! That's like... Damn! I am very, very, happy to read this. You have, or something in you, chosen to seek some advice. Some horrible things happened in your past (the rape, sex with many partners, etc), which you have clearly not dealt with. Yet. You wrote some things down. You ask us if we can give you some advice, to help level up your sexual life, and with that, your relationship. We can give you advice, and nothing else. My advice, is to write everything down, and share that information with your husband (not us!!), or tell it to him directly. Those things you haven't dealt with yet, do no good to your relationship, and sex life.

Your husband sounds like, as you describe him, a very loving, understanding, and honest husband. He is, right? You fantasize about BSDM, or at least, an unequal sexual relationship. That isn't bad. Everyone does have a own tast, and own ideas about things, including sexual related things. Myself, I -sometimes- fantasize about that as well. I think all readers have done that, or do that sometimes. It's a human thing.

However, I think this isn't a normal fantasy in your case. It seems like a way of dealing with the past. In my honest opinion, the best way of dealing with it, is to confess everything to your husband. He will understand.

Raping is NOT a choice you have !!! It is something done by some evil people, towards others, who do NOT want it. True rape is horrible, sick, and just no good. Some women, and even men, fantasize about this thing, however, when they want to live that fantasy, there is a "stop" word, at least, when it's played rape. But that's a very different discussion.

Like I was saying, you didn't chose to be raped. It overcame your. So tell me, please, WHY your husband would get mad? That's right, he wouldn't! This thing is clearly influencing your relationship. You *need* to talk about it, for your own sake, and for the sake of your relationship, and your husband. Your husband is demanding some things that might seem healthy, but are not, in your case, since you have issues with dealing with the past. That's common sense!

To reply to the things you sum up:

1 - You are attracted to your husband -- That's nice, really, and a good thing!
2 - You've had some "hard sex" in the past. Like said before, everyone prefers their own thing, but I think this is a way of dealing with your past.
3 - Your husband is always horny, and always asking. Men tend to think about sex every 10-15 minutes or so, that's just us, men. The fact that he is always asking, is another thing. Since you had much sex when you've met, and in the weeks, after, could it be a thing he assumes to be... normal, you two having a lot of sex? Tell him your desire has lowered, and tell him you want not as much sex as he wants.
4 - Read above
5 - Read below
6 - Read above
7 - What is a lot?
8 - Read below

I think your fantasies, sex-block, and extreme desire in the past, are all related to you being raped in the past. You're struggeling with your feelings, right? Talk with someone about it (if not your man, you can talk to a very close friend, or a shrink), it *will* help.

I hope this helps you to clear some things up!

Best regards,
Jeroen

[lonely]

Hi Onering,

First off, let me thank you for being so candor, I can only imagine how difficult it was to actually get the feelings and concerns out for the first time. Secondly, let me explain that I am by no means a marriage or sex counselor, as you can probably tell by my screen name I am not in the best situation either. I am just an ordinary 30 year old man, who has had relationship problems, and thought I could provide some insight.

The rape is going to be traumatic for anyone, it is a tragedy for anyone to go through. And it is important to remember, it is not your fault, in any sense of the word. But, if you never worked it out you should at least try to, either with your husband, counselor or both. With it possibly affecting your fantasies of powerless, choking, or being slapped around, it could absolutely have some affect on it. What is important to consider, is that these are not totally uncommon types of fantasies, so it maybe something that you would like even without the rape. Consider, how old were you, and what type of situation (location, time of day etc…). Either way, you need to talk to someone about it, I suggest starting with your husband, he sounds like a good guy, he will be able to handle it.

Another interesting point of your post, is that you seem to be keeping some information from your husband about past and current sexual experiences (past sexual partners and secretly masturbating). I am not saying you shouldn’t have secrets or you should go tell him how many people you have slept with, but that maybe something to do with the bigger issue. How much of your past does he know? If he knows a portion of it, it maybe that he is confused, and that is why he wants to talk to you about it. He knows that you were a very sexual person in the past, and doesn’t understand why you don’t want to have sex with him now.

Now, the big question is “where do you go from here?” Well, again I am not a sex or marriage counselor, so take what I say with a grain of salt. The previous reply said maybe take a breather from sex. This is certainly a good idea, and has its merits, but I think it is totally missing the main point of your post. Why don’t you want to have sex with your husband, you are obviously still very sexual minded, you masturbate in secret a lot. I am certainly not saying you should have sex with him, even though you don’t want to, or go have sex with someone who you do want to. You mentioned that you have never told anyone your fantasies, sex partners, does he know about the rape? If you never told him this, how open can you feel with him? By your own words, you are in your only really great relationship. And yet you still feel that you can’t be totally open with him, and he doesn't even realize it. There could be some resentment towards him, and with him being really horny all the time, not wanting to have sex with him could be your way of punishing him. Thus leading up to being a daily issue

Also, you might want to look at it from his point of view. He knows that he is, and is married to a very sexual person, but is not having any sex. He knows that previously you guys have had a lot of great sex, and now you are having no sex. He knows that there is a problem, he just might have no clue what the problem, and that is what is bothering him, and that is why he tries to have sex with you almost daily. He could be thinking that you are not satisfied with him as a husband, lover, father, or that you might be having an affair. Speak to him, you don't have to be an Obama type orator to say whats on your mind, just tell him. He would probably appreciate it.

Well that is my take on it. I maybe totally off and if I am, I am really sorry.

Good Luck,
Lonely

[onering]

First of all, let me just thank you guys so much for replying to my posting. I am usually the type of person to keep alot in and as my father use to say "suck it up". I feel like I got to the point where I just had to let some stuff out. The act of writing all that stuff that you actually found and took the time to read was very theraputic for me, less stuck in my own head if that makes sense. Reading your responses also made me feel comforted and less crazy about whats going on. You were absolutely right, what I needed to do was talk to my husband about everything. There was alot that he didnt know about me and my past and what goes on in my head now, and that wasnt fair to either one of us. SO, I sat my husband down and talked about everything I had previously mentioned and more. I was terrified that he was gonna run screaming out the door or judge me for it. I couldn't have been more wrong. He was so completely understanding. He sat and listened to everything I had to say. He felt aweful that I had gone through some of the things I have in my past and that I didnt feel comfortable enough until then to tell him, but he was completely understanding. He helped me confront alot of what has happen before. We talked alot about the fantasies I have and alot that ive felt to ashamed to tell him and we explored maybe why I do have them. I think that because I felt like such an object when it came to sex before and had that feeling that I was something to be used almost(it feels aweful to say but thats how I felt sometimes) when my husband would push for sex or bring up some kinky things I think I just shut him off because it made me feel like thats the purpose I served for him, as a sexual object. (maybe that ties in with masturbating so much, I was still sexual just felt safer in my own head) He didnt know why this sexual being that he met and married all of a sudden was pushing him away so he just kept trying, thinking that maybe I was getting bored with him or something. He told me all the reasons why he married me and why he loved me so much. Not to give myself too much credit :) but there were alot of reasons. My husband got really emotional too(not typical of him) which was great, it make me feel so important to him and that I did the right thing by opening up to him. It was like a huge weight off my shoulders. We talked for about 5 hours nonstop with no distractions and it was amazing. Then we had incredible sex...3 times :p I felt so much love from him and it felt so safe and perfect. I can tell after that we have been more affectionate and loving towards each other. I know it has only been a few days and I make no assumption that I dont still have demons, but I feel good knowing that I have a partner that I can talk to, and that he expects nothing less from me. And yeah know, I still want to act out some of those fantasies but thats ok. Everybody has there things right?

[tourdelove]

Wow!, I am so impressed Onering!
This is awesome! You did an amazing job and I am so glad your husband responded well. I am sorry if my post was off base. Sometimes I try to help and then realize I was probably no help at all, like the other posters told me :(, so sorry. But all in all, I am happy for you. I guess at this point, it is to "NOT suck it up, but do talk about it" that works much better. Well, keep on posting!

All the best to you
cheers
s