will it ever get better

[ktpclegg]

I have been reading on this site for some time, it is great to know there are people out there that care and understand. I suffer from extreme low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. I have a beautiful wife and two kids age 5 and 2 who support me. The problem is I have tried everythng and just seemed to be getting worse and worse. I can not sleep at night, i usually get about a hour this has been going on for months. I have such a hard time working and the only reason why I have not been fired is that I work for my dad.

I have been on all the benzo drugs (klonipin ativan etc,) they don't work anymore neither do sleeping pills. I have tried all the alternative therapies and they did not work. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist (2 visits). He is trying to get me off the benzo slowly and tried a couple things for sleep but nothing has worked. I seem to sink lower each day and get more and more depressed. My mind is constantly cycling through negative things in the past and worries about the future. I nearly took my life a few weeks ago but want to live for my wife and kids. I have no self esteem and do not feel that I can do anything, I am always tired (this is the third round I have had in my life I am 33 years old) Each time it gets tougher I have had the anxiety for 7 months and just want to feel normal. I try and read a lot of self help books my wife is great but I wonder how much longer she will be able to deal with my depression, anxiety etc. I also feel it is affecting my childeren and sometimes I feel they would be better off without me.

I have spent so much money trying to fix this, I just don't know what to do next. I know everyones situation is different, I seem to have so much going but my mental illness just seems to trump all of this anyone else fell this way

[finding my way]

ktpclegg, welcome to our community:) You mention seeing a psychiatrist, have you also been to a psychologist? The psychiatrist will address your medications, but you would really benefit from some talk therapy to get at the roots of what is bothering you. Something is at the root of your negative thinking and your low self esteem.

In the meantime you are welcome to post here with what is bothering you. Some people feel relief in putting in writing what they are feeling, or hearing from others who share similiar experiences.

I also want to say that sleep deprivation alone can cause some very serious symptoms. It can even cause hallucinations, not to mention depression and extreme irritability. You might feel better about your life if you could just get some rest!! Have you been to a sleep clininc to see if there's a medical reason why you can't sleep?

[nancyannee]

Welcome ktpclegg.. I am glad you have found this site, I am sure you will find some measure of relief being able to share your story.

What I would like to tell you is this...Without a doubt no matter what, your children need you! They will love you no matter what and every child needs their father. The good and the bad. My kids are what have kept me living. I know I have given them their own issues to deal with, but if I left them or decided to "check out" that would have harmed them more than anything!

Hang in there, I too feel like my mental illness is running the show. At times it is so time consuming, I can't stand it, but I have to remember it does get better and I just hold out for those times:)

nancy:)

[tourdelove]

Hi and welcome ktpclegg!

I think seeing a mental health professional is a very good step! And I do agree with the post above that a psychologist might help better, but I would ask him/her first before jumping to conclusion... The psychiatrist may offer the exact same help. When you are off the drugs the doctor is helping you getting off of, I would assess if you need to move on and follow up with a psychologist or remain with the current specialist.

At any rate, I remember when I was going to a therapist, I made a list of what it was that was bothering me so that I didn't end up talking just about day-to-day crisis, but go into the real issues, one by one, so that I got my money's worth. At first, I was so numb that I wasn't quite sure anymore what it was that was bothering me, everything was bothering me! But I updated the list as things became clearer.

You are taking the steps into helping yourself, therefore helping your family as well. Your children DO need you. It is important and great that you aware of the the well being of your family. Remember that, this in itself is a clear indicator that you are needed. Remember that the grass is not necessarily greener in other families! A whole lot of people have trouble in their lives or engage in some behaviors which may may not be entirely beneficial to their relationships and children. A lot of them either are or do not want to be aware of them and do not seek to improve the situation so, this is a reason right there to feel good about yourself! Remember that you are helping right now! Remember when you felt better also. It seems life is ever changing right? It is literally impossible that it will not get better. I know it may not feel very true to you right now, but I think it's pretty hard to argue that one with yourself.

I suppose these suggestion are based on what helped me when all seemed dark and gloomy. But it actually helped me to move forward, and get unstuck. And I still use it...[like at the moment] when I don't feel so hot. :D I told myself that my brain was, and I am still convinced of this, "playing a dark trick on me", so I held on to what seemed the few absolute truth in my life, and about life in general.

A] I am helping myself and therefore I am also helping and I am helpful/worthy/valuable to self and to others.

B] Life is every changing, therefore the situation cannot stay the same forever.

C] I know my brain is playing tricks on me and making it hard to see solutions, but I have learn many, many things in my life therefore I can learn to get unstuck.

Anyway, I hope this will help a bit.
Sincerely,
s

[smallstar]

hi ktpclegg, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I just recently started posting on this site myself and was surprised how kind and understanding everyone is. I deal with alot of anxiety and know that it's not an easy thing to deal with. The people here are very nice and I think you will find lots of support. I'm sorry for your lack of sleep, I deal with insomnia only occasionally and I dread it. I hope you find peace soon.