Questions in a round about way.

[DruidMachine]

First and foremost, I feel a nagging sense of doubt as to whether I am posting in the proper place for my issues and feel certain will receive a long series of replies confirming that. This is despite the name of the site in bold letters on the top of my screen or the fact that I have read and re-read previous posts in this forum. At this point I feel fairly certain that I'm lying to myself, making a mountain out of a mole hill and feel more then a little silly. I almost feel like a regular person.

Normally, I despise myself. I feel worthless, pointless and a burden to anyone unfortunate enough to tolerate my presence. Obviously, this is a bit of an overstatement but its a constant enough undertone in my life that I'm stuck in neutral. I cant be genuine or spontaneous around people and I cant improve my life because I'm positive, not that I'll fail, but that I'm not worth it.

I've been like this since early childhood. Now I'm working on 40 and realizing that I cant deal with it and never could. I'm only good at hiding it. If you met me in real life you just see a man who's big, imposing and boring.

I'm not even sure what my problem is or what to do. Guess thats the question (to misquote a cliche). What do you do when your isolated (I don't mean a shut in btw) and to broke to afford help. At this point I'll consider any suggestion short of "take up drinking". Just not a big drinker.

Btw, the name DruidMachine has nothing to do with anything new age, I just like the mental images it conjurers.

[malign]

Nope, sorry, you posted this in exactly the right place! (I love disappointing people.)

First, while it's fairly common to feel badly about yourself, there's no reason you have to be satisfied to live the rest of your life that way. Now, in my case, I seem to be spending the rest of my life working on it, but the way I look at it, it's something to do, at least. ;-)

I don't think it'll help for me to tell you that you're worth it. But something made you reach out; maybe somewhere inside, you'd like to be worth it. I bet that's all it takes, if you give it a chance.

As for recommendations, therapy is hard to beat. If that's not an option, you could try researching self-help topics on this web site (and others), particularly for ways to defeat that negative voice that keeps telling you stuff that isn't true. Question it, every time; believe me, whoever that guy is, he's full of crap! :-)

Welcome. This is a place where you can dump out what he tells you and check whether it makes any sense any more.

[pckhoi]

I think you should reach out to people, not hiding your feeling. The single statement that "I'm not worth it" is full of crap. There isn't a single person in the world who is not worth it. If you do then can you tell me why is it that you are not worth it? Did you ever consider how others feel about you? Your love? Your kids? Your relative? I heavily doubt that they feel the same way as you do.

[UnsureLifeJon]

Like Malign said, this is exactly the right place to post!

Why do you feel worthless? Everyone has something to offer, you may not realize it, but I am sure someone is grateful for something you have done. It may be something small and meager, but they appreciate you for doing what ever it may be.

When I was growing up, I felt very similar. I always thought the cool kids shouldn't bother talking with me because I was not as cool. I felt it wasn't my place to even greet them, I was inferior to them. However, I have learned that people enjoy talking to other people, regardless of their popularity. They enjoy the simple "hello" or "good morning".

I think the best advice, seeing how you are "broke", would be to stay on these forums, if you can afford a therapist, like Malign said, that is the best choice. However, I have found great slice being apart of the community (I am new here too and I feel better about myself and my issues). Blog about your day, it can help just to type out your feelings knowing someone is there to read them.

-Jon (UnsureLife)

[DruidMachine]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I didn't really give any information in the first post, just managed to stretch "I feel bad" into 4 paragraphs. Took forever to write (hour, maybe more) and I think all that checking and rechecking accomplished was to remove all the emotion from it. This is what I mean when I say I'm not spontaneous.

To be honest I don't have anyone, a couple of acquaintances at work. I'm not very good with people. Pleasantries I'm fine with, but if people start to get friendly or personal I get anxious and lost.

As for family, they don't have anything to do with me. My father was an abusive alcoholic and when he left (when I was 4) my mother took out her frustrations for him on me. She wasn't physically abusive, I was provided for, ignored and always kept aware that mom would be better off without me. I was abandoned, once to my grandparents and twice to group homes, because the men she was dating at the time didn't like me. Unfortunately, her attitude rubbed off on the rest of my relatives.

School wasn't any better. I was an extremely timid and shy child so I was basically either ignored or picked on. In high school everyone stopped picking on me and started avoiding me because I looked mean. Never actually been mean though, for some reason my first instinct has always been to restrain people instead of hitting them.

Other things happened that I am not sure I want to go into. Besides, this is already a bit long winded. Sorry if its a bit to much information.

[malign]

Oh, hey, you're not alone: I type complete sentences. Always. Okay, not that time. But you get the point; I, too, am "not spontaneous" in the sense of editing everything I write. What I try to do is trick myself into just checking spelling and grammar, and then sometimes a bit of feeling gets through. :-)

Never too much information. That's all we can really exchange, by typing, isn't it? In fact, I'd say just enough information, because it was just long enough for you to put in something good about yourself. Did you notice? Because personally, I think having the ability to defuse potentially violent situations is a great thing. Especially if, because of your size, you might otherwise blame yourself if things turned ugly.

Pleased to meet you.

[pckhoi]

Wow, this man is some of the most unfortunate people in the world, but don't give up by any mean. I think your problem is you don't have anyone. You should immediately try to meet new people, make friends and stuff. You're a nice guy, you shouldn't have problem with that. Just know that most people have problems as well as weak points like you do too, that's why we need each other like we always do.