Personailty Disorders

[emptysoul]

Hey everyone,
okay so i am new here and this is kind of scary, but seeings none of you know me and i know none of you it should be easier then sitting in front of a counselor, yeah ? so i'll just put it all out there, please don't judge :(

i am 22 year old female,
and now i'm stuck for words already, seems so much easier in my head...

i feel so empty inside, just numb, usually followed with anger and irritation
i am very shy, i don't like being around people; i long for friendships but at the same time i would rather just be alone because i feel when i am around people it is so awkward and they're just judging me, everyone seems to backstab me even my own family, i just feel so much safer locked away in my room, but then i long for attention and love so badly, but it's so scary, i don't want to trust, i don't want to let people in and be hurt, but once they're in i can't let them go. sorry if that sounds confusing.

i have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half, and i do feel bad for the things i put him through, like every guy i have ever dated. It's so hard to let somebody in, but once i like them it becomes so scary, i scare myself. I get so angry when i am around my boyfriend because i see him looking at other girls, yet i constantly get told that it is all in my head, i know it isn't, i see it. I'm ugly i know that, that's why he has photos of others and not me, there is not one pretty thing about me, and going outside is horrible, i do my make up 3 times sometimes before i go outside, and still i look disgusting, it's so hard having to watch my back constantly and i always tell myself "today i wont get mad if he looks" but that never works it tears me to pieces. I wish i was beautiful, i wish i was as good as those other girls.

I really don't understand life at all,
i don't understand how i was created or why i am here, or why things happen. Everyday i just want to end it all, i've overdosed several times and been on the edge of a cliff several times also, but then something always holds me back, i get so close and then i forget why i was even upset, well not completely, but the horrible feeling just goes away and i calm down.

I have tried counseling, i found it very awkward, i felt judged and it was so hard to speak, it's hard to even speak to my boyfriend about these things. Though he does know me the best seeings he always see's how i act and my moods, i guess he knows me better then myself sometimes, we had a bit of a talk about things tonight because my actions keep tearing us apart and i want it to stop, i want to change i don't want to feel empty and angry anymore, i don't want to be the jealous crazy girlfriend who is possessive. I asked him to be honest about how i act, he believes i have a personality disorder (borderline and mild paranoid) which is spiraling out of control, my counselor said i had underlying depression 'i don't even really know what that is, i know what depression is but not underlying depression'. I really don't know myself, i think i'm just a average girl who gets hurt easily, i'm sensitive, i know the things i see are real, i know what i feel is real, and i don't see my actions as being overboard, but i hate feeling empty and i'm over wanting to sleep my life away, i'm constantly starting things 'new jobs,courses, hobbies' but i get bored so quickly and give up, i want to enjoy the things around me.

I guess the best way for me to try and work my life out is to realize what is wrong with me and work on those things both for myself and for others, i read through the website and i personally couldn't work it out. I came here hoping somebody could help me, i just want advice, i just want to get my life on track. It's so much easier to speak truthfully in here, then awkwardly at a counselors feeling judged and not wanting to tell everything.

I selected a few of the things i can relate to from 3 disorders, i did take in count on what those close to make constantly tell me also 'such as the ones picked in paranoid' i personally believe what i see is real but i'm trying to be open minded and see that maybe i have a problem:
Avoidant:
* is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
* views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
* is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
* avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

Borderline
* a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
* identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
* recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
* chronic feelings of emptiness
* inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Paranoid
* suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
* is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
* reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
* persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
* perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
* has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

where am i meant to go from here :(
i don't know where i am meant to go or what to do

[nancyannee]

emptysoul, I am so sorry you are living like this. I am now 42 years old and you just described my in my 20's. When things got really bad, I first went to a doctor....21 years ago. He diagnosed me bipolar and depressed. I never got the medicine filled and I never went back to him. I did not want to medicate myself, I did not want to listen to someone tell me I had a mental illness... I am not saying you have a mental illness. I just think you deserve to be happy and not angry.

so many years wasted. I finally went back to a doctor when I turned 40. same diagnosis only this time they attached /psychosis to it....as it turned out, had I taken meds and continued to the doctor, they told me my mental illness would not have progressed to this state. Sadly, I only stayed with the doctors about 7-8 months. I no longer go and my illness is getting the better of me. i am certainly not a doctor, but I can tell you from experience...get professional help now while you are young. You deserve happiness. You deserve to live a life without depression, anger and sadness.

asking for help is a sign of strength. do everything you can to get better and don't be ashamed. Good Luck.:o

[emptysoul]

Hey, thanks for replying to my post
i did go to a counselor at the university last year, i went to a few sessions, i found her very awkward, but i think i might go back and ask to see someone else, maybe they can help me a little more, i do want to get this sorted out, i've felt this way since i was 16 and i'm really starting to annoy myself, it's so hard to control the feelings and thoughts that overwhelm me, i say the stupidest things in the moment and regret so much that comes out of my mouth.

i want to wake up and be happy, stick with the things i do such as hobbies, jobs, university and feel complete, not constantly quitting things. i don't want to think of suicide anymore no matter how upset i get.

my partner said he would be there for me, i bleed my heart out to him and told him my biggest secret about a sexual incident when i was little that i have never told and am very ashamed of, he promised to help me through with letting it go and also my issues with past relationships as chances are that is why i am who i am today, he promised to help me through my 'problems', but then he turned his back on me like always, now i'm single and feel stupid for even telling him, i should know by now not to trust.

i guess i'm doing this on my own
i've spent past week or two in my room just playing tetris, i hardly leave my room, i don't want to do anything, so over it all.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Emptysoul and Nancyanne,

Emptysoul, welcome to our community. You will find us to be very friendly and supportive.

Emptysoul and Nancyanne, I want to urge the two of you to go to therapy with either a Licensed Clinical Social Worker or a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Not a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists tend towards the medications immediately and I think that is a mistake. Yes, medications can help but therapy is as or more important. Further, you should see only those professionals who do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy because that is oriented towards thinking instead of digging up your whole life story. It is practical and helps you learn to solve your own problems.

Empty, you remind me of a woman who contacted me a number of years ago via the Internet for psychotherapy. This was before I retired. She swore she was the ugliest human being on the face of the earth. After working with her on the Internet for a long while, she finally summoned the courage to come in and see me. Guess, what: she was and is an extremely attractive woman. I have learned to dismiss what people say about their appearance because it often describes what they feel inside rather than their real appearance.

Nancy, there is no such thing as hopeless. Dismiss those psychiatrists who told you that things are worse because you did not take the magic pills. Find a good psychotherapist who does CBT and it will help a lot.

What do you both think???

Allan:)

[mscat]

Hi there and welcome to our community. I agree with Allen. Going into therapy is much more benificial than going to a psychatrist. The psych. We see does not do therapy, he just does the meds psrt and explains how the brain interacts with certain chemicals in the body when your low on certain things.
It's the therapists who are the listeners and provide the feedback and support. There the ones to go to and talk to. Sometimes, a person might not even need medication/or sometimes the combonation of the two works best.
emptysoul, it is good that you can talk to your bf about stuff that are bothering you, however, he really should not be labeling you psych. dianoses. this ought to be left to the professionals. Try not to put yourself down . Low self esteem is what I see in your writing. And perhaps a great deal of sadness.
PLease go back and see the therapist/counselor. More than just one time. I hope you start feeling better. You deserve it.

[Elliott]

i know im not exactly one to give words of encouragement, read my post and youll know why.... haha. but you know, no matter how you feel, you shouldnt put yourself down, ive always thought kinda like you, im a 19 year old guy and only had 2 girlfriends. I always thought i was ugly and hated going outside as well, but then i thought about it, the reason i hate people is because they are so judgemental and always point out negative things all the time. but think of it this way. you say youve had bf's in the past, and you have one now for a year right? well then they obviously see just how beautiful you are. and they love you for who you are. putting on makeup 3 times a day is a way to hide what you may think isnt good enough for society. but i bet you anything your boyfriend loves you to death and thinks your gorgeous!!!!! and you should think about that, who gives a crap what other people think. theres no point in always thinking bout that, you cant make everyone in the world happy ok? im just realizing that now. just be yourself, be happy for who you are. you have people who love you unconditionally and dont think your ugly as you say. i bet you really are pretty. your prob just too judgemental of yourself. stop that. ok? im sorry if i seem rude, but really. i dont even know you but i can tell your alot like me. and i appreciate people like you who actually have the guts to talk about this kind of stuff. i never did. untill today. and thats because i read alot of what people on here say. and you know. theres so many of us that have the same issues. its really not uncommon. we just dont share what we have to say with people because they may judge us. well were all sharing here. and everyone seems really helpful. try talking to your bf about it. i bet youll feel alot better. i wish my gf would talk to me about serious things more often =) but you know, like i said, your bf loves you. your family loves you. no matter what you think. i hope you feel a little better bout everything. and i hope i cheered you up a little, im not much of a people person so if i didnt. im sorry. i hope you have a great day!!!!!!!

[Sad Panda]

Hey Empty.

I have to agree and say you need to go see a therapist, but if at first it doesn't succeed then try, try again. As in if the one you see doesn't make you feel COMPLETELY comfortable and like you want to poor your heart out to them, then move on and find one who will.

They are out there.

To me it sounds like you are yet another victim of the extremely shallow society we are living in, you feel as though you don't measure up to the girls on TV etc. because you don't feel you look like them and there are many MANY girls and believe it or not guys who go through the same thing.

As for the boyfriend, if he knew that you had such an issue with self esteem, especially about the way you look, he should have been very careful not to look at other girls while he was with you and concentrate more (or at least some) effort in trying to make you feel better about yourself. I hate to say it but it sounds like you are better off without him and you need to find a guy who will make you feel good about yourself, if only for a brief moment.

They are out there too.

You seem like a nice person and I hope you seek help and feel better.

[emptysoul]

He doesn't love me, and he deff doesn't think i'm beautiful, fact he always had images of others everywhere and not one image of me proved that. But i don;t really care about that at the moment, i love him so much

i opened up to him and he said he'd be there, and now his gone, and i'm all alone once again

i told him my darkest secret and he went all weird and now he is seeing a shrink, apparently i made him remember something of his past and now his fucked up, i don't even know if his being real or just making it up. i said i'd be there for him and he said no he wants no one in his life.
i don't want to be alone, i needed him, he promised.

they always leave and end up more screwed up then i am,
every guy i have ever gotten serious with have tryed to kill themself, become abusive, and usually end up seeing a counselor and leave me; am i that horrible :'(

i wish i was anywhere but here right now

[tourdelove]

Hey soul,
Yah, I can understand and relate to a lot of what you are saying, and, you did help when you posted on my tread and I think at least offer some support to you as well. :)

It seems sometimes, relating and seeing what situations other people find themselves into helps both parties. I am pretty sure of that.

I would agree with what is said here with the other posters in several respects:

1] Your situation is far from helpless, you've made the first steps in helping yourself by opening up to your boyfriend and seeking to find therapy. That is strong and I would suggest to continue in that direction. Sure, this guy might not have been able to deal with this information, but it really doesn't mean no one can. Far from that! Seek another therapist. One the one hand, it is important that you feel somewhat comfortable with your therapist. I know that the first therapist I went to didn't gel with me... but then I found another and I felt I could open up...Sure I didn't automatically trust her, I felt ashamed of having to be there, frustrated... But then I realized that I could in fact trust her, but most importantly, I could trust myself, as I was there to do the work. And I did a lot of work and I am in a far better place then before. Sure I have a bit of a set back right now, but these things in my life that triggered this set back are telling me it is time to do some more work. It is when you feel somewhat 'bad' that it is the best time to work sh*t out, because, by paying a little bit of attention to my inner broken record, I can write it down and bring it up in therapy... These unrealistic thoughts that bring me down that is.

2] Abuse is a terrible thing to have been through. There is no question about that. And it is normal that you are concerned about trusting people, that you feel anger! Don't beat yourself up because you have build yourself up to deal with this, to protect yourself. The idea though, now that you are an adult, is to rebuild a trust that is based on what is happening now, and therapy helps in identifying the defense mechanism in your mind that are based on your past experience, and in turn, building new more efficient ways to deal with what is going on in the present. The way it's been explained to me, and I totally agree with this, is that, just as if you would walk everyday, for years in the same direction, slowly a path would form where there is no grass anymore..., well, mental habits are just like that. What you [and I] need to do, is to walk in a different direction, take a new path and form a new, healthy habit to replace the old one that doesn't serve a function anymore... It is hard work, but it sure can be done, and it is sure worth the effort. And a therapist can help you focus on that.

3] Soul, I am truly sorry that your boyfriend could not understand your situation and made you feel such pain, and I can understand. But, as unreal as it felt to me several years ago, I am now convinced that I do not 'need' a partner. I know it feels so great to have a boyfriend... and like I've mentioned before, to me, a relationship creates almost some sort of high...But it sure doesn't solve any of my problems. It sure doesn't make me feel more loved, even if I know for a fact that my ex loved me! Now, I know I need to sortmy stuff out for a little bit, and then, maybe I'll get into a relationship, if one good one is available. I still get caught up in my fantasies, a lot. I have set backs, like I did just a few weeks ago, and my fear of being alone resurfaces, but I know for a fact that, even though I do express these thoughts here on MH, I can work them out. I know I rely on the affection and attention of this one person that I wish would love me 100%, but not only it is not really serving my purpose, it will not make me happy, bring me the love I want most. Now, there is a balance, and this is what I want to go towards as I am not saying that having friends, family, and boyfriends is not nice or to be avoided forever, but I know I can learn to rely on myself more, I can learn to trust myself and others a bit more. I can learn to feel my anxiety, pain, sadness, loneliness, whatever feelings come to me without collapsing, without losing me! I wish I could tell you how at the moment, and have a clear plan of action, but the only thing I know is I convinced I can learn to reach a much higher level of self reliance, self confidence and happiness by learning new ways of seeing myself, new healthier ways of interpreting what happens to me, and ways of finding solutions that are appropriate to my situation now as opposed to what happened to me far away in the past.

4] About not being able to concentrate your efforts on one hobby, or one job, etc, without stopping a short time afterwards, well, I have been reflecting on this for the past few months now. I have come to several conclusions about that... I know that I have spend so much time all my life trying to do what I think would please or 'impress' others, whatever we want to call it, that I lost myself. But now, I know I have to stop pleasing with what I do but also, I have, in fact really worked on not being so perfectionist. Now, your reasons for stopping and starting new things might not be the same as I... I am not sure... but anyway... There are other reasons of course I have stopped things. Either I felt it was too scary, didn't see how I could succeed, or I simply got bored. Sorting thought this mess is quite challenging to me, possibly the most challenging. Because it is tied to my identity... But you know, it's a start... and I can certainly relate to what you said... I'll keep you posted on my progress and findings if you'd like :)

All in all, I think there is so much hope and a great life ahead of you. Do not fear, things will get better, little by little. It is so great that you are seeking help right now! A great, great step. And my thoughts are with you!

Take care
s

[nancyannee]

Nancy, there is no such thing as hopeless. Dismiss those psychiatrists who told you that things are worse because you did not take the magic pills. Find a good psychotherapist who does CBT and it will help a lot.

Allan, I have tried CBT several times. With NO success. I am not good with sticking with something that shows no improvement of my problems. It is too easy to ignore the issues and pretend I am okay(or used to be anyway)...Is there any other therapy besides CBT that might work? Having so many lost memories, I feel the need to dredge up the past so I can remember them to get over them. if that makes sense...

[finding my way]

This may not make sense either, nancyannee, but I will try to tell you some things I learned from my last therapist, an Internal Family Systems therapist. Totally disregard if it doesn't fit, OK?

What you are missing are parts of you you had to exile from yourself. It isn't the details of trauma you are trying to reclaim, it is missing parts of you. The environment of your childhood was too harsh for them to survive in. You did what you could, but you had to get by without them because you weren't able to do anything else. The good news is, YES, you can invite your missing parts to return, and that can happen. It is a very desirable and good thing. The work involved, though, is that you need an environment that they can live and thrive in. Example. Let's say one of the parts that got exiled was an innocent child self full of curiosity, play, and joy. In order for her to come back, she needs a safe environment to return to. Will she just be met with the same defense mechanisms, or details of trauma within you that exiled her in the first place? Or have they softened, can they welcome her?

All of this may sound fantastical, and it is a rather different approach. Perhaps the main point you could take from it is, am I looking for the wrong thing? In trying to recall the details of my trauma, is that making me any healthier? Something important to me got lost along the way, something I very much want to find, but I may need to go down a healthier path. Then when I find it, it will be able to stay with me.

That healthier path is about how you are doing presently. Are you taking care of you now, doing what you need to do to shed the negative patterns that don't work? Finding things that do work? If so, then the parts will come home, "waging their tails behind them."