Reading too much?

[karai]

I think I'm reading too much into everything. When I first found this, and other depression websites (this one's the best--most active and very constructive, thoughtful responses), I thought I could learn a lot to help myself. My first reaction was "wow, this is great, so comforting that I have people I can actually talk to and they are speaking from experience". You guys actually encouraged me to take that first step of making my appointment with the psychologist. But, after reading a lot more over a couple of weeks (I think I've been a member for almost a month), I've become doubtful about going to therapy--maybe it's the worry of all the negative experiences that I've been reading about. However, now, I'm just plain ol' scared to go! What's happening? I can't figure why this change in attitude, from relief to fear. Maybe it's not really about the negative experiences, but other stuff I've been reading. I don't really know (fear of appointment? of therapist? of not knowing if I'll have a bad experience? He actually sounded very warm and caring in the 5 to 10 minutes I spoke to him, and I had a positive feeling while talking to him).
Help! My first appointment is next week Monday and I don't know if I'm actually going to keep it, or cancel at the last minute. I was so hopeful, but now?! ?! ?! :eek:

[finding my way]

Hi karai! Yes, there is such a thing as too much input:o. Can you go ahead and keep your appointment and tell us how it went? Otherwise you will not be able to find out for yourself what you think.

[nancyannee]

karai, YES YES YES, IMHO I think you should go to your appointment. I think it is very brave to have made the appointment at all. although people have bad experiences with their own therapist this does not mean you will. I think you would feel even worse if you did not at least try....:) Good Luck!!

nancy:o

[smallstar]

Hi Karai, There is no reason to cancel or skip your appointment, I think you are reading a little bit too much into some of the posts. I believe that a doctor would greatly help you, and you know that you need a doctors help so go. What's the worst that could happen? You don't like the doctor, don't make another appointment, try again. Call someone else. I think if you try you will be able to find the help you need. Good Luck :)

[karai]

Hi findingmyway, nancyannee and smallstar,
I guess it's the judgment thing. I imagine the eyes; I always see the eyes, the snickering eyes. Well, I guess I won't find out unless I actually go! One way to answer my own questions and to dispel all my preconceived notions and fears is to keep that appointment. It took me long enough to start the process, from referral to picking up that phone and making the appointment (okay, I'm just trying to convince myself here but it's not working yet!). But then, you all have made me feel a bit more positive about going now. I just hope this feeling lasts until I get to that door and open it! Well, all I can say is that I will keep you apprised. Thanks a bunch, and Happy Easter!

[smallstar]

Happy Easter Karai, I'm glad you've decided to keep your appt., I think that's great. I completely understand what you mean about the "eyes", I am so afraid about being judged myself, completely embarrassed, ashamed, I know I shouldn't be but sometimes it's hard to shake that feeling. Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes.

[karai]

Hi finding my way, nancyannee and smallstar,
Just wanted to let you know that I did keep my appointment with the psychologist today--approximately 12 and a half hours ago! Actually, I almost chickened out. I stood outside the building a half hour before my session, deciding whether to go inside or run! Well, I eventually found myself going inside the building and into the elevator. I guess I have to thank you all for that subconscious push! Anyway, I can see the session in my head, but all I know is that I left feeling Not happy, Not angry and Not relieved, just Numb!, when I think about it now. Later I felt a bit confused, still am. I guess it's my fault because I was very reluctant to reveal anything to a stranger, yet I felt I had to tell the truth, to say what I was feeling because he made me feel comfortable, and I felt I could trust him. Very conflicting--I was trying not to say too much, yet I said more than I felt comfortable saying! Anyway, all he could tell me was that I had the symptoms of depression but that's it. I guess I will find out more in my second session a couple of weeks from now. I just hope he can help me sort out my feelings and whatever I'm going through, especially because, smallstar, he has such kind and non-judgmental eyes!

[smallstar]

Hi Karai, That is great, I am so happy for you that you found the courage to go in! The first time was probably the hardest. And I am glad he had non judgemental eyes, that will make it so much easier for you. :)

[ASchwartz]

Hi Karai,

I also want to congratulate you. Please keep us informed and let us know how you are doing.

Allan:)

[nancyannee]

that is a huge first step. I am so glad you followed through. It can only get better from here!! Yay Karai:)

[karai]

Thanks to all of you for the support! I feel the love...seriously! I just want to know one thing, is numbness, then confusion, a normal reaction to the first visit? I'm still trying to sort things out in my head. Thanks.

[malign]

Kara,

I wouldn't worry too much about how you feel immediately after the first therapy session. You've taken the first step of a long journey, and that's great. I just wouldn't expect to see the goal look much closer, so soon! :-) Give yourself time. Remember how long it took to get here; it may take a while to get back.

[finding my way]

Early on in therapy, I felt like a bowl of oatmeal. I was really struggling with what the heck my identity was. That persisted for a while, too. It was all worth it though! I don't feel that way any more:)

[karai]

Hi friends,
The timeline in my head is telling me that I won't need too many sessions since I really don't think I'm depressed, maybe just stressed out. I don't know how long I've been exhibiting the symptoms, how long it took me to get to here, because I didn't recognize my actions and emotions as symptoms of anything except being angry or irritated, you know, normal stuff. Besides, getting back to where I was (in the past) is not something I want. I want to never go back to my past. I want to move towards something that I never was--happy! I actually want to just not be here in this location, this state of mind, this situation....And the identity thing, well, Findingmyway, I'm really glad you found your way, but frankly, I don't like who I am right now, or probably ever was, so I guess I'll have to recreate a new me. Any suggestions as to how? what? who? Thanks for your thoughts and thanks for talking to me.

[finding my way]

Hi karai! It sounds like you are quite motivated to get going, and that will help a great deal. You might need to visit the past for the purpose of filling in your therapist on the themes that brought you to today, but you are right, working on bettering the present and future is what this is all about. As for forming a new you, there's a certain amount of sorting and processing that has to happen. If you are like I was, I was not used to talking about myself or talking things out with another person. Something that really helped was that I had a friend who was in therapy too. It was so helpful to have someone to talk to other than in the therapy appointments. Very much like what happens here on this site. If you keep participating here, you will get more experience talking things out. It really does help the growth process along. Some people like to write in a blog too. Feel free to experiment and find what is helpful to you.:)


Keep us posted!

[karai]

Hi finding my way,
I guess I'm kind of anxious to see where this therapy will lead me but 2 weeks is a long time to wait (my fault, I'm taking a planned trip and I won't be in town next week). I never thought forming a new me would involve so much and take so much time. No, I just want to escape--new location, new me! Never Never Land? Yes, a one way ticket please. It's good that you have someone you could talk to on a personal (vs. a professional) level. Right now I don't want anybody, not even family, to know that I am seeing a therapist. I don't have friends I can open up to. I consider them more good acquaintances---but someone to confide in? NO WAY!! I can see the looks on their faces already. The next thing you know, the whole world will know my business! My real friends are the people on this site--you and the others who understand. And blogging? Well, to keep from internalizing, I've been journalizing, on paper, which helps tremendously. Thanks for your great advice and support and for talking to me. Take care...

[finding my way]

2 weeks IS a long time between appointments, especially at the beginning. Good work on the journalizing!!! I'm an avid journalizer too. Self expression is key. A day will come when it will get a little easier to express yourself with the people around you (it's true!). Until then, keep practicing on us.

[karai]

Hi finding my way,
Right now I don't really want the people around me to know my truth.
Regarding your journals, have you ever let your therapist read any portion of it? Does he/she know that you keep one? I'm thinking it may be easier for my therapist to get to know me quicker if he reads my journal because I might have a hard time opening up to him. On the other hand, there are lots of stuff in there that I would never let anybody read! I possibly could be committed if he read the entries on my really bad days! Let me know what you think. Thank you!

[malign]

I never thought forming a new me would involve so much and take so much time.

I can't think of anything that's more worth spending time on! And when you think that it's taken your whole life, so far, to form the old you, you might need to give yourself a little time for the re-engineering work. :-)

After all, you're worth it.

[finding my way]

Ditto what malign says!!

As for journals, YES, my first therapist read my journals. I also wrote papers for him that I dropped off before the session. With my last therapist, I brought my journal in with me and referred to it in the session. Sometimes I took notes from my journal and that's what I referred to. It really does help! :)

[karai]

Hi malign and finding my way,
I guess I'm impatient and just want to start new, get it over with, become a new me, if that's possible. I don't think I'm worth it--not yet. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm that new person. Thanks for giving me some hope.
And, if the journals helped you get where you are quicker, finding my way, I definitely will consider allowing my dr. to read it--maybe after I tear out all the "bad days" entries first! Take care...

[Just Me]

That's the point, what works for one person does not work for another and we pay therapists (or whatever) enough money that you can work it out anyway that pleases you.
Person A) can't advocate for themselves, person B) has a clear understanding of what they want to achieve from counseling then you get persons C-Z who find what works for them.

I'm learning how to write and the benefits of it. Rather than a pretty journal or worrying about the sanctity of keeping a journal which is a huge deal to me I use those yellow legal pads with tear out sheets. Some I burn up as soon as I'm done writing them, some are reflections that I hide away to ponder later others are letters directly written to particular people such as those directly involved. Sometimes focusing the direction of a journal to a particular audience helps to keep you on track. Whether or not you wish to share that is your own choice. Plenty of things in life I would like to share with others but I'm not comfortable yet so writing and stuffing those letters away so they find them when I am far away isn't such a bad thing or at the very least, it's working quite well for me at this moment in my life.

[2002to2009]

Agreed. I have things occur to me while I'm writing that I never would have thought of otherwise.

[2002to2009]

...but that's not to down-grade therapy. Admittedly, I don't think it did me much good (when conventional methods were used) but that's just me.

[Just Me]

What we are finding is that counseling merely helps us keep on track. All revelations have occurred outside of it. It's there, once a week, someone to discuss the revelations of the week, remind you of your goal, possibly give you some tools of obtaining the goal or remind you of the pitfalls or mostly to shut up and listen. Where they are priceless is because most of us were taught never to air our dirty laundry in public so we lock it all inside and never talk about it. With a counselor you can air it all out and there is allot to be said for the fact that they can never repeat a word of it to your friends, family, neighbors or coworkers :D

[karai]

Hi Just me and 2002to2009,
Thanks for all the info. Just me, your last reply was very helpful; at least it will help me know what to sort of expect. It's still a scary mystery to me since I have only been to one session and I am anticipating my second one next week, just after I get back from vacation. I hope it does me some good to get away.
Anyway, I started journalizing years ago because I needed to get stuff out of my head and it helped me to get through the day better. And 2002to2009, like you, it did help me to think of things I couldn't just in my mind. It has helped me to reason out things and to ponder the why and how certain people affected me so much--I still haven't figured that one out yet! UGH!! Well, I don't have any of my old stuff around because I tear up everything I write so no one can read my hell. I don't want people to see me as that person. I too don't want to read it myself and re-live those moments and feel that way again. I still shred stuff, so needless to say, I write on anything cheap and available, as long as it's light, portable and fits in my weighs-a-ton bag so I can have it with me anytime I feel the need.
Thanks everybody, I'm off on vacation now. I hope I find my NeverNever Land where everybody is happy and hate and pain and meanness does not exist. If I find it, I'm never coming back! Take care, love you all.....