2002to2009
04-17-2009, 10:02 PM
Hi, Dr. Goldstein. Well, you’ve put an interesting spin on a problem we all have, at one time or another. I know that dishes are definitely a problem for moi. I think one of the worst things about it is that it’s such a trifling little task, the fact that I avoid it gets me concerned that I can’t handle the big ones. And then I get even MORE tense. One more layer of tension, I guess.
On one side of the argument, you have people like my old friend, who once confided in me that at the end of her life, she probably wouldn’t be lying on her death bed, saying, “Boy—am I glad I did all those dishes!” But, one the other hand, there’s people like my ex-father-in-law, a sweet guy, but a consummate “hoarder,” who threw dishes away because it got that out of hand. He had stuff, lots of stuff, including unpaid bills, stacked from floor to ceiling. He wasn’t quite at the point where he was saving all his garbage, but he was close.
When I asked him about it, he told me that mundane chores seemed “like such a waste of time.” Lying on his death bed this March, I think he probably wished his affairs had been in a little better order. I know his kids did. They inherited five houses, but at the cost of cleaning them out, fixing plumbing that supplied only hot water…quirky stuff like that, plus $100,000 of debt.
Even if I hadn’t talked to him about it, I could tell how he operated: He viewed day-to-day chores as something to be avoided, because he had built them up in his mind as being such painful drudgery. It’s easy to be judgmental of someone with a problem like that without considering his circumstances, because they remind you of untidy parts of yourself. So by condemning that person you can cut that part of yourself out like a tumor. Facts are, he had been through some hard knocks, and running away from dull care was his way of coping. But…like an alcoholic, he wouldn’t allow himself to consider how his coping mechanism might be hurting him.
Sometimes, when we imagine people who have it all together, we imagine them being as stoic as soldiers, which when you take a step back and look at it, doesn’t make any sense. Keep yourself under that much tension over getting something done and anyone, no matter how stoic, will snap, and probably rebel.
Speaking of soldiers…I have two guy-friends who both served long-term stints in the military. They both have almost identical personalities, and they’re both nursing almost identical pot bellies. Thing is, I’ve seen the photos, and they used to be soaking wet stud-muffins. But, after getting shot at and forced to do push-ups, they’d much rather eat twinkies and watch Smallville. Not to be disparaging of the military, it taught them a fair number of tricks. But, at this point, they choose not to do a single sit-up. Not one. Because they associate doing them with so much tension.
To be fair, re-training themselves to think about sit-ups differently would be no small task. But it’s clear that’s the solution: to let go of the tension you associate with a task. It’s so obvious, I wonder why so many people resist it? We get hooked, I guess. We think we’re taking care of ourselves when we’re not.
It’s really crazy, when you think about it…in gap-thinking, you’re comparing yourself to a future that doesn’t exist and isn’t a part of reality. What kind of disjointed existence is that? Never mind how making yourself feel inadequate effects you, gap thinking is completely unnatural, like a mental amputation. I’m thoroughly convinced that humans are just smart enough to get themselves into trouble.
It would be a much better life—certainly a less stressful one, if we could just live in the moment…paying attention to the bubbles and warm water, in other words. :-) A friend of mine who teaches martial arts tells me that he can always tell the people who will get a black belt from the ones who won’t. The ones who won’t never stop talking about the black belt. They fixate on it. The ones who do just come in and practice, even the basic stuff, everyday.
I’m with you on being in relationships you don’t like…but, I’m tying one-handed now, thanks to a sleeping cat. It’s back to late-night studying for me... or maybe I should do the dishes. Oh, screw it. They can wait until morning. :-) Thanks for the article.
On one side of the argument, you have people like my old friend, who once confided in me that at the end of her life, she probably wouldn’t be lying on her death bed, saying, “Boy—am I glad I did all those dishes!” But, one the other hand, there’s people like my ex-father-in-law, a sweet guy, but a consummate “hoarder,” who threw dishes away because it got that out of hand. He had stuff, lots of stuff, including unpaid bills, stacked from floor to ceiling. He wasn’t quite at the point where he was saving all his garbage, but he was close.
When I asked him about it, he told me that mundane chores seemed “like such a waste of time.” Lying on his death bed this March, I think he probably wished his affairs had been in a little better order. I know his kids did. They inherited five houses, but at the cost of cleaning them out, fixing plumbing that supplied only hot water…quirky stuff like that, plus $100,000 of debt.
Even if I hadn’t talked to him about it, I could tell how he operated: He viewed day-to-day chores as something to be avoided, because he had built them up in his mind as being such painful drudgery. It’s easy to be judgmental of someone with a problem like that without considering his circumstances, because they remind you of untidy parts of yourself. So by condemning that person you can cut that part of yourself out like a tumor. Facts are, he had been through some hard knocks, and running away from dull care was his way of coping. But…like an alcoholic, he wouldn’t allow himself to consider how his coping mechanism might be hurting him.
Sometimes, when we imagine people who have it all together, we imagine them being as stoic as soldiers, which when you take a step back and look at it, doesn’t make any sense. Keep yourself under that much tension over getting something done and anyone, no matter how stoic, will snap, and probably rebel.
Speaking of soldiers…I have two guy-friends who both served long-term stints in the military. They both have almost identical personalities, and they’re both nursing almost identical pot bellies. Thing is, I’ve seen the photos, and they used to be soaking wet stud-muffins. But, after getting shot at and forced to do push-ups, they’d much rather eat twinkies and watch Smallville. Not to be disparaging of the military, it taught them a fair number of tricks. But, at this point, they choose not to do a single sit-up. Not one. Because they associate doing them with so much tension.
To be fair, re-training themselves to think about sit-ups differently would be no small task. But it’s clear that’s the solution: to let go of the tension you associate with a task. It’s so obvious, I wonder why so many people resist it? We get hooked, I guess. We think we’re taking care of ourselves when we’re not.
It’s really crazy, when you think about it…in gap-thinking, you’re comparing yourself to a future that doesn’t exist and isn’t a part of reality. What kind of disjointed existence is that? Never mind how making yourself feel inadequate effects you, gap thinking is completely unnatural, like a mental amputation. I’m thoroughly convinced that humans are just smart enough to get themselves into trouble.
It would be a much better life—certainly a less stressful one, if we could just live in the moment…paying attention to the bubbles and warm water, in other words. :-) A friend of mine who teaches martial arts tells me that he can always tell the people who will get a black belt from the ones who won’t. The ones who won’t never stop talking about the black belt. They fixate on it. The ones who do just come in and practice, even the basic stuff, everyday.
I’m with you on being in relationships you don’t like…but, I’m tying one-handed now, thanks to a sleeping cat. It’s back to late-night studying for me... or maybe I should do the dishes. Oh, screw it. They can wait until morning. :-) Thanks for the article.