miserable_242
05-24-2009, 12:15 AM
This is a repost of what I wrote in the new members section... any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi everyone,
Heres my story... its long but bare with me:
I am 20 and I am having extreme trouble coming to terms with what has happened to me, I seem to have lost my sexual attraction to women and my body has started reacting physically to men and (i cringe typing this) children. When I say reacting physcially, I mean I get a feeling in my stomach and "down there". I have never had any fantasies regarding this, nor am I ever willing to have them, what I am trying to understand is what the hell is happening to me. I do not enjoy this, nor do I want anything to do with it.
To give you my story... I grew up like any other boy in terms of sexual attraction, I loved women, when I was in my teens even the slightest touch by the girl I liked would get me excited. I never looked at guys in a sexual way, they were "characterless" so to speak. I was never that great with women though, and have never had a proper relationship.
Fast forward 19 years... I got to university, and started smoking weed - something that was completely out of personality for me. I am on a very tough course, and I don't know what I was thinking but over a period of 2 years I smoked almost daily when I was at university and not at home, 4-6 joints a day. My doubts started soon after I got to university... at first it was a nagging doubt, but about 7 months ago I took a girl back to my place one night and was so drunk and high that I couldn't get it up. That sent me off the walls, and I was sure I was gay because of it.
I went home, extremely miserable, and whenever I go home I never smoke weed. I remember the first thing that happened was that I got to the airport and I saw my sister... and i got a feeling down there... and that just sent me into the deepest pits of depression I have ever been in. I wanted to die... I contemplated suicide... it later happened with kids again, further pushing me towards depression and suicide. I would get images, I would get intrusive thoughts, it was horrible.
After this, the weed became sort of an escape mechanism... I smoked to just take myself somewhere else, to get myself away from all this horrible stuff that I wanted nothing to do with.
Now I know that all of the above is pretty in line with Pure-O OCD, and I was sure I had it for a while. I stumbled upon quite a few forums describing sexual obsessions and I was so relieved it was unbelievable.
But this is where the twist is... I don't get anxiety when I ruminate or get the urges anymore, and my sexual attraction to women is pretty much gone. On the other hand, i seem to react (completely against my will) to guys and to kids... again let me repeat that I have NEVER and will NEVER fantasise about such things, the thought sickens me, I have younger sisters and I would kill anyone who went near them in that way.
The fact remains, however, that these feelings are there. They have made me miserable, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have obsessed about it everyday for the past 6 months, trying to make sense of it, and while I felt for a while I was getting better I feel worse than I ever have before.
I have stopped smoke weed recently, as I decided to tell my parents seeing as it became such a big problem and I needed money to start therapy. I gave them my word, and have no plans to go back on it. I am doing this more for me than them, though, because I have always been someone with potential and i'll be damned if I throw it away. I start therapy on thursday, and I want to get past this.
I am pretty sure I have OCD... lately an obsession started that I was schizophrenic, although I recognized that one for what it was and didn't react to it whatsoever, and managed to stop it in the first few days before I started obsessing about it.
My question, I guess, is is it possible for something to start as OCD and to become part of you, so to speak? Could I have obsessed to the point of making my worst fears real? Why do these thoughts not make me anxious, only depressed? Is it possible that with the weed, I activated some fucked up repressed part of my sexuality that i will never be able to get rid of now?
Sorry for the long post, but I would really appreciate some help with this... I am lost and miserable, and need to find a way out of this hole.
Hi everyone,
Heres my story... its long but bare with me:
I am 20 and I am having extreme trouble coming to terms with what has happened to me, I seem to have lost my sexual attraction to women and my body has started reacting physically to men and (i cringe typing this) children. When I say reacting physcially, I mean I get a feeling in my stomach and "down there". I have never had any fantasies regarding this, nor am I ever willing to have them, what I am trying to understand is what the hell is happening to me. I do not enjoy this, nor do I want anything to do with it.
To give you my story... I grew up like any other boy in terms of sexual attraction, I loved women, when I was in my teens even the slightest touch by the girl I liked would get me excited. I never looked at guys in a sexual way, they were "characterless" so to speak. I was never that great with women though, and have never had a proper relationship.
Fast forward 19 years... I got to university, and started smoking weed - something that was completely out of personality for me. I am on a very tough course, and I don't know what I was thinking but over a period of 2 years I smoked almost daily when I was at university and not at home, 4-6 joints a day. My doubts started soon after I got to university... at first it was a nagging doubt, but about 7 months ago I took a girl back to my place one night and was so drunk and high that I couldn't get it up. That sent me off the walls, and I was sure I was gay because of it.
I went home, extremely miserable, and whenever I go home I never smoke weed. I remember the first thing that happened was that I got to the airport and I saw my sister... and i got a feeling down there... and that just sent me into the deepest pits of depression I have ever been in. I wanted to die... I contemplated suicide... it later happened with kids again, further pushing me towards depression and suicide. I would get images, I would get intrusive thoughts, it was horrible.
After this, the weed became sort of an escape mechanism... I smoked to just take myself somewhere else, to get myself away from all this horrible stuff that I wanted nothing to do with.
Now I know that all of the above is pretty in line with Pure-O OCD, and I was sure I had it for a while. I stumbled upon quite a few forums describing sexual obsessions and I was so relieved it was unbelievable.
But this is where the twist is... I don't get anxiety when I ruminate or get the urges anymore, and my sexual attraction to women is pretty much gone. On the other hand, i seem to react (completely against my will) to guys and to kids... again let me repeat that I have NEVER and will NEVER fantasise about such things, the thought sickens me, I have younger sisters and I would kill anyone who went near them in that way.
The fact remains, however, that these feelings are there. They have made me miserable, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have obsessed about it everyday for the past 6 months, trying to make sense of it, and while I felt for a while I was getting better I feel worse than I ever have before.
I have stopped smoke weed recently, as I decided to tell my parents seeing as it became such a big problem and I needed money to start therapy. I gave them my word, and have no plans to go back on it. I am doing this more for me than them, though, because I have always been someone with potential and i'll be damned if I throw it away. I start therapy on thursday, and I want to get past this.
I am pretty sure I have OCD... lately an obsession started that I was schizophrenic, although I recognized that one for what it was and didn't react to it whatsoever, and managed to stop it in the first few days before I started obsessing about it.
My question, I guess, is is it possible for something to start as OCD and to become part of you, so to speak? Could I have obsessed to the point of making my worst fears real? Why do these thoughts not make me anxious, only depressed? Is it possible that with the weed, I activated some fucked up repressed part of my sexuality that i will never be able to get rid of now?
Sorry for the long post, but I would really appreciate some help with this... I am lost and miserable, and need to find a way out of this hole.