cut myself-feeling depressed and stressed

[renol]

I wasn't sure whether to but this under psychotherapy, depression, or here so I'm putting it here.

I think mostly I just need someplace to vent. Not even sure what I'm feeling right now. depressed, stressed, frustrated. Last week I graduated from community college with an AA degree. Which should have been and was a very special and wonderful night for me. But leading up to and since that night have been miserable.

I was very stressed about that that night, mostly remembering my high school graduation which was many years ago, it was a graduation from hell for me. That and I hate crowds. The night ended up being wonderful.

A couple days before my graduation I cut my self, purposely. I think mostly to try to release the stress. When ever I cut before its usually been out of anger, this time was different.

The other thing that has been very stressful for me is that a couple weeks ago I found out that my therapist might be moving out of state.

I have the best therapist in the world. She is the first therapist I've ever seen in my life so I don't really have much to compare her to other then what I've read on this sight about other therapist. She has helped me so much. She has saved my life. She has and is helping me find life. I've been seeing her almost every week for over 4 years now. We've come a long way together. She is the first person in my life that I've ever felt completely safe. Her husband is losing his job. I know that he might find something locally but also might have to move out of state.

I'm not really sure why this is effecting me so much but I hate it. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me and I can't get up. Just really frustrated with life right now. I just graduated and don't know what I want to do with my life. My therapist tells me we where all born with a dream. We're working on a book called Dream Giver right now. The book has been totally frustrating also. I either don't have a dream or can not find it or revive it.
Sorry so long, just feeling really tired, frustrated, and needed a safe place to vent.

[malign]

Hi renol. Welcome back, even if you came back because things aren't going so well.

Sometimes, it seems to me, the hardest times are when you've just reached a long-term goal, and it's time to figure out the next one. The degree is bound to give you more opportunities, so congratulations on getting it.

It's okay if you don't know what's next, right away.

[renol]

Thanks malign. I'm sure my degree will give me more opportunities eventually, at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. For now I'm going to start working on my bachelors in the fall, mostly because I don't know what else to do which is really frustrating. Been working on this in therapy but the more I talk about it the more frustrated I get.

I think mostly I'm feeling stuck. I've pretty much felt stuck all this year. I've made a lot of progress since being in therapy but around the first of the year I feel like a hit a huge wall or cement, not sure which, maybe both.

It helps coming here. I appreciate how encouraging and supportive this site is, and the people here. Articles are also very helpful. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not alone in this struggle (life). When I'm wanting to revert back to old coping skills I need remember that I can come here instead.

[malign]

Hi renol, do you have any idea what the wall is, or why it's there? Maybe it's worth finding out more about it; maybe it's significant somehow. For instance, maybe you're approaching something important in your therapy. If so, that would make it a sign of progress rather than something that's in your way.

So maybe it's worth exploring this wall. It's totally up to you whether you actually do the mime thing, feeling around in the air for invisible walls. Depends on your co-workers, really, and how tolerant they might be. :-)

But you can explore it in other ways. When did you start feeling it? Any idea whether there's something behind the wall, that it's there to protect? Could you be afraid of whatever the next step is, in your life?

For instance, I started failing a bunch of classes, including English, which is hardly difficult for me, in my senior year in high school. It didn't take long for me to figure out that it was largely because I was completely unprepared for college life, emotionally. Of course, the problem didn't go away just because I realized why, but it helped.

[renol]

I don't know what the wall is, or maybe just not willing to see what it is. I first started feeling it back in December. In January I talked to my therapist about it. She asked me what I thought it was. I told her I felt stuck and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm not really sure that's it. We've been kind of working on that since then but I'm totally frustrated with working on it. The more I talk about my dreams or lack of them and what I want to do in life the more frustrated I get.

As far as being afraid of what my next step in life is, yea I think I'm diffidently afraid of that and therefore afraid to look at what it is. I feel totally unprepared for life in many ways, especially socially and emotionally. Which is why I think I freaked when I found out that she might be moving.

I'm pretty sure that what's on the other side of the wall is good. But I'm to afraid of the wall to get beyond it, if that makes any sense.