self-injury is a means of coping

[Mark]

We intend this forum to be a safe place where people who self-injure can talk about the self-injury process and what drives them to self-harm with the goal of helping themselves and each other to self-harm less frequently or not at all. Note the emphasis on the word safe above. We need your help to keep this forum safe. Please, try to avoid going into graphic and extraneous detail in posts made here. If you need to do so, please mark the title of your posts with a Trigger Tag [!] to alert people who don't want that image in their minds so that they can avoid it. Please keep self-injury posts inside the Self-Injury forum for the same reason.

Maybe a good way to start discussion here is to note that self-injury is not random or a sign of a crazed mind. Instead, there are actually reasons why people choose to self-harm, though those reasons are not easy for many people to understand. For some, the act of self-injury is a way to come back from a feeling of numbness and dissociation. Others self-harm becuase they feel too much and the act of cuting or burning themselves reduces the pain they feel to something managable. Some self-injurers feel a need to self-punish for perceived crimes and wrongdoings they believe they've committed. Others self-harm becuase it reduces tension, or becuase it expresses anger and rage feelings. These various reasons make perfect sense to people who self-harm; they are hard for people who do not self-harm to relate to. This disparity results in a lot of unnecessary shame, and the things that come with shame. A lot of self-injury gets hidden. Long sleeves are worn to avoid display of scars, etc. People who self-injure encounter the uncomprehending other people in their lives and walk away feeling like they are damaged, and the other people walk away feeling like the self-injurers are damaged also. It may even be true (becuase certainly in many cases the urge to self-injure is a reaction to some trauma), but the shame overlay that gets draped on top of the action is nevertheless harmful and unnecessary.

I wish there was some way to make people understand better that the people who self-injury are doing so as a means of coping. Not necessarily healthy coping, but coping nevertheless. Self-injury is a way of trying to make things right. But that is hard to get across to many people. They react emotionally to the horror of the act and lose the person and the inner struggle in the process.

Discussion in this forum (which is presently empty) can become a way to try to help people who don't understand self-injury to understand it. It can become a means of helping out other people who are self-injuring, and to gain help for yourself. What is necessary in order to start the process is for someone to step up to the plate and write about their experience.

What is your self-injury story?

[h8cruelty]

I'm old, and yet only now have occasionally gotten into the self-cutting thing. For me, it's definitely a stress-reliever. Also, it is a way of punishing myself for things I believe I have done that deserve punishment. This only happens when I'm in extreme depression, and am not really my self. I also have a desire to "crucify" myself, fortunately not very often. I've never followed through with the desire. The best advice I can give to self-cutters is to love yourself, respect yourself, and care for yourself. That will go a long way towards ending this destructive desire.

[Mark]

Can I ask, how did you discover the whole self-injury thing? Where you introduced to it by someone (or some book or website?) or did it kinda invent itself in your mind. I'm curious. I was at a seminar on the topic and the instructor was talking about how teens (mostly he works with teens in a residential setting) spread the knowledge.

[skeksi]

I kind of "found" self-harm on my own, although this was nearly fifteen years ago when it was far less common among teenagers. I began scratching myself with a toenail clipper whenever the yelling or physical abuse at home got bad. It helped me escape my feelings and deaden myself.

Once I was on my own, I still had what to me were "overreactions" or "dead" feelings and I self-harmed to end those episodes. (I moved on to razor blades, too). When I finally, years later, got into therapy, my counselor diagnosed me with PTSD. Understanding that when I feel out of control I am reacting to something that triggers trauma memories has made a world of difference to me, and self-injury is not something I need to do anymore.

Thank you for the initial post, which emphasizes that this is not a crazy behavior. My shame about my self-harm kept me from seeking help for a long time. I was so sure I must be truly sick in the head. It has been the greatest relief in the world to be able to conclude that I was doing the best that I could in a difficult situation.

[Lizzy]

When I was a teenager, I used to cut myself with broke glass. It was a way to feel physical pain, which is manageable, instead of the horrible mental pain I was going through.

The idea was already in my head, but I don't think I would have done it on my own. It was something I only did with friends. I did burn my fingertips on candle flames and hot wax on my own, though.

As a teenager and through my mid-twenties I had a lot of body image issues. I'm fat, and I had a very hard time accepting my body or loving it. I read a synopsis of the study done by Dr. Ancel Keys in the 50's relating to starvation and it's affect on people, and one of the side-effects of calorie-restricted eating is self-injury, so I now believe that this may have been a factor. I was on starvation diets through that period of my life, sometimes as low as 600 calories a day (and I felt like a pig for eating that much). I just wouldn't get any thinner and I never understood why, so I blamed myself.

Anyway, I hope that helps some people to understand better. Thanks for opening this topic.

[nightfalls]

I have chosen not to post

[ASchwartz]

Because you do have an appointment with the Doctor it makes sense to let him know how the past anti depressant medications affected you. He needs that history in order to evaluate your situation before the two of you make any medication decisions.

Allan

[h8cruelty]

Mark, I realize now that the urge to injure myself goes back to my childhood. I would slap myself across the face, hit myself with a belt or heavy stick. But it wasn't until the ripe old age of 50 (a year after my husband died) that I had the overwhelming need to cut. First, I cut off some of my toenails. It felt great- such a relief from all the stress I was feeling. Then I made a promise to someone not to do it anymore, so I cut myself very rarely. Unfortunately, I slipped a few days ago. Something happened in my life which was intolerable, so I fulfilled my fantasy of driving a nail through my hand. I can't tell you how good it felt, and all the tension started draining from my body. I can see how this can get addictive. However, it is a sick, totally not helpful way to ease emotional pain and stress. Love yourself, keep good friends close. That's the way to go.

[nightfalls]

I have chosen not to post

[janet]

Well this is a surprise to me to find myself writing about what I did for 26 years. I started with picking at acne- I would not let it heal the scabs would come and I would remove them to keep the pain on the surface so that the feelings inside would be smaller.
I found out in therapy that I feel my emotions strongly and many do not understand that that is okay. I have been 4 years without hurting myself and this does not mean that life is not aggravating or overwhelming. it just means that I have learned that my own views and opinions are good no matter what ANYONE says about them. This is something I never believed which can lead a "normal" person to question their own worth in the game of life. ALL of of us have value whether others are willing to allow us to be ourselves and love each other as the individuals we are. There is a wonderful person in all of us that needs our own person to respect- to allow that person to live without judgment of others to get in the way or change the way we treat ourself , with the love from within.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Forgeting,

There is some very slight evidence that anti depressants can cause suicidal thinking is some children and some teenagers. I believe the documented cases are very few, but enough for the FDA to put warning signs on the medicines for those two groups.

As for adults, I do not believe that anti depressants actually cause the person to have suicidal thoughts. In my experience in my practice and with people I know, it has never happened.

However, what can happen and sometimes does occur is that when a person is depressed, is prescribed an anti depressant, and starts to feel just slightly better, they may have enough energy to entertain the suicidal idea. In other words, the person is in between depression and feeling a whole lot better. That in-berween place can occasionally trigger suicidal thoughts and even an attempt until they get completely out of the depression.

In my opinion, and according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, if depression lasts more than two weeks, it is not likely it will go away by itself. Now, I won't say that it will never happen. What I will say it that the longer a depression lasts, the less is the likelihood that it will go away by itself.

Remember what we always recommend: psychotherapy, medication(if necessary), regular exercise(with Medical Doctor clearance), meditation, yoga, etc.

What do other people think?

Allan

[Natalie]

It's great to hear that you have learned how to deal more effectively with your emotions and thoughts. Could you share some more about the type of therapy that you did, so that others who are dealing with the same issue might benefit from your experience?

[h8cruelty]

There are times when cutting can really help you get through another day. Don't do any significant harm to yourself, but I know that sometimes you have to find a way to cope. The best thing you can do for yourself is find a caring person who is there for you and can help you get through the hellish times. Find that person. If you can't, I'll be there for you.

[texasgirl]

Could I ask you a question please?

[h8cruelty]

Hi texasgirl. Ask away, we're here to help. Please tell us your story.

[Kalima]

Self harm can be many things for different people. I think I have and still, I guess, use it for several different things. There is the numbness where I dont feel real and then there is stress anxiety where I've used it for immediatle release and also when I feel like I'm hurting inside in some way and have no means of expressing it. Using pain to transfer that pain to something visible and tangible.

I have recently been very depressed and I think at long last my mood has lifted somewhat. But I can't think back to a time when I was ever without a sense of distance from the activities going on around me. I wonder if I was perhaps depressed to some level throught most of my childhood or at least adolessence. Is that even possible?

[Natalie]

To Kalima-

Yes, there is a disorder called Dysthymia that is basically a less intense, but longer duration depression. Many people who have dysthymia say that they have basically felt depressed for their whole lives (or for as long as they can remember). Even though it sounds bad, the same treatments that work for Depression frequently work for Dysthymia. So, psychotherapy, medications, and/or a combination of both may work for you.

You can read more about Dysthymia by clicking here (http://community.mentalhelp.net/url=%22http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=534&cn=5)to go to our Depression topic center.

It's definitely worth going to a mental health professional to get assessed and treated for whatever is going on (it also could be a medical condition that is causing you to feel depressed). I encourage you to do so.

[sheryl]

I've been self-harming for years i've tried to find a way to stop, when i feel the urge to harm myself i can put it of for a while but in the end i have to do it the pain becomes unbearable, when i was 9-12 i was sexually abused and raped by my brother and his best mate, i tried on several occasions to tell my mother about the abuse but she didn't believe me after the fourth attempt i started to self-harm as a way of coping, when the truth came out and my mother found out the truth she blamed it all on me she said it was my fault and i believed her, as i've got older i've carried the blame with meand as i've got older the blame has gotten stronger i self-harmed to relieve that feeling, but just lately i've been having such a hard time shaking my past off i've been having nightmares and flashbacks.

[JanlikesTheBill]

I've been self-harming for years i've tried to find a way to stop, when i feel the urge to harm myself i can put it of for a while but in the end i have to do it the pain becomes unbearable, when i was 9-12 i was sexually abused and raped by my brother and his best mate, i tried on several occasions to tell my mother about the abuse but she didn't believe me after the fourth attempt i started to self-harm as a way of coping, when the truth came out and my mother found out the truth she blamed it all on me she said it was my fault and i believed her, as i've got older i've carried the blame with meand as i've got older the blame has gotten stronger i self-harmed to relieve that feeling, but just lately i've been having such a hard time shaking my past off i've been having nightmares and flashbacks.

Hi Sheryl :) my reason for self abuse is nothing compared to yours. I do it because I hate myself for being overweight (getting to the that stage- why don't I control myself?) and sometimes I feel I have to punish myself for feeling depressed when then I have no reason to be compared to most people my life is relatively good, yet I still hit myself physically, then I feel guilty.

Sharon I would just like to say, I know it most likely won't help, but your story made me very sad. What happened was your brother's and his friends fault and your mother should have believed you. I don't believe anyone could make up such abuse.

[sheryl]

Hi Sheryl :) my reason for self abuse is nothing compared to yours. I do it because I hate myself for being overweight (getting to the that stage- why don't I control myself?) and sometimes I feel I have to punish myself for feeling depressed when then I have no reason to be compared to most people my life is relatively good, yet I still hit myself physically, then I feel guilty.

Sharon I would just like to say, I know it most likely won't help, but your story made me very sad. What happened was your brother's and his friends fault and your mother should have believed you. I don't believe anyone could make up such abuse.

hi there are alot of reasons why people self-harm you should learn to love yourself your are probably a beautiful person, why do you physically hit yourself? you could really hurt yourself.
thank you for what you said it means alot that a stranger has read my story and has believed me and my mother never has.

[Proverbs31:28]

I am glad to hear you describe this as a "coping mechanism." That is exactly what it is for me. Ironically, a few years ago I was in an intensive outpatient program and one of the other women in my group had a very serious cutting problem. I could not for the life of me fathom why anybody would do such a thing to themselves. About 6 months ago, I was in the midst of a severe depression and fighting severe anixety at the same time. I was so wound up and so dead inside at the same time. I soon discovered that, with cutting, I could feel pain deep inside that reassured me I was "alive" and it relieved my anger, frustration and stress at the same time. I do not do it often, but it is definitely a means of coping when things are bad. It is also a form of self-punishment. When I am angry at myself, I feel like I deserve to feel pain and be hurt, so I cut.

[ASchwartz]

Is there some other, healthier way to deal with emotions when you are in pain and when you believe you deserve punishment?

Also, why should you believe you deserve punishment?

Allan

[crowyhead]

In the past I've used cutting as a coping mechanism when I was feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt, etc. I think it has also in the past sometimes been a test to see how much pain I can take, to learn whether I would be able to commit suicide in this way (the answer to that one seems to be emphatically "no," thankfully). Right now I'm feeling pretty good, because it's been almost four months since I last self-injured, and I've been through one episode of major depression since then. I wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but one of the things that was instrumental in helping me stop was a deal I made with my partner. The deal wasn't that I couldn't self-injure anymore; instead, I promised that I would call him or talk to him about it first. That didn't really work at first -- I was still self-injuring and then telling him about it later -- but he was never judgemental about it with me, he just reiterated to me that he really wanted me to talk to him first.

This last time around, it actually seemed to work. I didn't want SI to be my coping mechanism anymore, and I was able to talk it out with M. every time it became a temptation.

What was funny was that in some ways, I ended up feeling really angry and at a loss, because I didn't feel like cutting was a good coping mechanism anymore, but I was struggling to find things to replace it with. Talking to M. helped, and so did other ways of venting, but I felt so frustrated because SI had at least been something to DO about the depression/anxiety, even if it was something negative that I didn't want to do anymore. I actually in some ways felt more angry and impotent than before. I suppose that makes sense, but it was a very weird feeling.

[sheryl]

In the past I've used cutting as a coping mechanism when I was feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt, etc. I think it has also in the past sometimes been a test to see how much pain I can take, to learn whether I would be able to commit suicide in this way (the answer to that one seems to be emphatically "no," thankfully). Right now I'm feeling pretty good, because it's been almost four months since I last self-injured, and I've been through one episode of major depression since then. I wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but one of the things that was instrumental in helping me stop was a deal I made with my partner. The deal wasn't that I couldn't self-injure anymore; instead, I promised that I would call him or talk to him about it first. That didn't really work at first -- I was still self-injuring and then telling him about it later -- but he was never judgemental about it with me, he just reiterated to me that he really wanted me to talk to him first.

This last time around, it actually seemed to work. I didn't want SI to be my coping mechanism anymore, and I was able to talk it out with M. every time it became a temptation.

What was funny was that in some ways, I ended up feeling really angry and at a loss, because I didn't feel like cutting was a good coping mechanism anymore, but I was struggling to find things to replace it with. Talking to M. helped, and so did other ways of venting, but I felt so frustrated because SI had at least been something to DO about the depression/anxiety, even if it was something negative that I didn't want to do anymore. I actually in some ways felt more angry and impotent than before. I suppose that makes sense, but it was a very weird feeling.

Hi
I self-harm for different reasons i was sexually absused and raped as a child i tried to tell my mother but she never believed me i tried to commit suicide a number of times but it never worked out, so i started cutting as away of coping i still do it i try not to and can put off doing it for a while but eventually i can't stop myself any longer, do you ever feel like that?
Do you take medicine for you depression? because that may help you instead of hurting yourself, ion a few occasions when my husband has found a cut on my wrist he has treatened that if i do it again he'll send me to a psychiatric unit.
why do you feel like you deserve to be in pain?
take care,
sheryl.

[Proverbs31:28]

Is there some other, healthier way to deal with emotions when you are in pain and when you believe you deserve punishment?

Also, why should you believe you deserve punishment?

Allan

I am not very good at identifying healthy coping mechanisms. I have tried distraction methods like guided imagery but, sometimes, it ends up making the stress worse when I feel like I can't follow the image or my mind takes the image somewhere it shouldnt. So, I give up. Same thing for exercise/walking. It allows my mind too much room to roam and I end up fighting off thoughts I don't like or want. I know cutting is not the answer, and I know it doesn't mean much to say "but I don't do it often" but the fact is, when nothing else works, and I am completely alone in the dark, crying tears no one will ever see, i need to "feel" something. So, I cut. Nobody knows I do it. Not even my doctor. I don't tell him because I know he would want me do something about it. And, even though its not a tool I use often, it gives me security to know its there. I struggle with perfectionism, mild OCD and control issues and this is one area I have total control over. In fact, it may be the only area.

As for why I feel I deserve punishment, it is because of my overwhelming failure and incompetence in every aspect of my life.

[Natalie]

As for why I feel I deserve punishment, it is because of my overwhelming failure and incompetence in every aspect of my life.[/QUOTE]

The sentence above jumps out at me immediately as a core issue (cognitive behavioral therapists would call it a "core belief") that could be driving a lot of your internal pain. A cognitive therapist working with you would point out that this is a type of thought called a cognitive distortion (basically an inaccurate and unhelpful thought). This style of thinking will in short, make you feel like crap (thoughts can drive feelings and behavior). People who are experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or all sorts of other issues often have this type of thought.

The way to attack and change this thought is a method called cognitive restructuring (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9746&cn=353). I encourage you to read our article, which provides more detail. If you took a step back and realistically evaluated your life (pretend that you are an outside, impartial observer), is the thought "I am totally incompetent and a complete failure" TRULY accurate? Can you think of even one small accomplishment or way in which you did something well? I would be willing to bet that you could find a few if you really gave it some honest thought.

So, if that thought isn't truly accurate, then what is? In other words, how could you change that thought be more realistic (and nicer to yourself)? I'd be interested if other members could offer you a different way to think about yourself.

[nightfalls]

I have chose not to post

[Proverbs31:28]

I do understand what both of you are saying. I tried to choose my words appropriately: I used the words "overwhelming failure" rather than "absolute failure" or "complete failure" because I do realize that, though I have many failures I have to admit (though it is difficult to do) that I do have some successes. I have 2 of the greatest kids God ever put on this earth. And, though I know I am nowhere near the mother they deserve, I must be doing something right by them. Many of my successes, however, occured prior to being struck by mental illness. Since then, I do not have a lot I can count as success. I lost my job and home, moved in with family, and have no future. I scrape by on SS benefits. I have no college fund for my kids, no hope of getting our own home any time soon. I have tried twice since losing my career to learn a new trade to work from home and I failed even at that. Both times my anxiety and depression were too much and I could not finish the training.

Anyway, I know we all have our excuses for why we cut but I also realize none of these excuses are legitimate- they are rationalizations.

forgetting, I know you are right about out kids. It makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I left my sociopath ex-husband because one day I realized that, by staying, I was teaching my daughter that it was okay for a husband to behave the way her father does and I was teaching my son it was okay to behave that way when he has a family. I could never live with myself if I didn't protect them from his damaging behavior, of which they were not aware, yet. So, I agree, looking at our behavior from our children's POV changes things. It is the one thing that actually keeps me from attempting suicide ever again- because of what would happen to them.

[Natalie]

Please put that at the top of your list of successes: getting out of a harmful relationship. That's an incredibly brave thing to do that many cannot. Remind yourself that you are very strong if you can do something of this nature.

[crowyhead]

Do you take medicine for you depression? because that may help you instead of hurting yourself, ion a few occasions when my husband has found a cut on my wrist he has treatened that if i do it again he'll send me to a psychiatric unit.
why do you feel like you deserve to be in pain?


Hi Sheryl,

Yup, I take meds for anxiety and depression (Wellbutrin and Klonopin). This has helped a lot, but over the past year I've had to have my meds adjusted a lot because they weren't working as well, and during that time the SI reared its head again.

For me, it's not so much that I feel I deserve to be in pain. Instead, the SI usually happens for one of two reasons. Sometimes, I feel so paralyzed and numbed by my depression that I hurt myself to prove that I am still alive and I can still feel something, even if it's painful. Other times (and this is more common for me), it's almost the opposite -- I get so anxious and so wound up that I feel like I need to do something to focus myself and slow myself down.

Threatening you with hospitalization doesn't sound very helpful; if it were me in your position, it would just make me feel more ashamed and secretive about the SI. But I think it's also a pretty understandable reaction -- it's really frightening for the people we love when they see us hurting.

crowy

[sheryl]

Hi Sheryl,

Yup, I take meds for anxiety and depression (Wellbutrin and Klonopin). This has helped a lot, but over the past year I've had to have my meds adjusted a lot because they weren't working as well, and during that time the SI reared its head again.

For me, it's not so much that I feel I deserve to be in pain. Instead, the SI usually happens for one of two reasons. Sometimes, I feel so paralyzed and numbed by my depression that I hurt myself to prove that I am still alive and I can still feel something, even if it's painful. Other times (and this is more common for me), it's almost the opposite -- I get so anxious and so wound up that I feel like I need to do something to focus myself and slow myself down.

Threatening you with hospitalization doesn't sound very helpful; if it were me in your position, it would just make me feel more ashamed and secretive about the SI. But I think it's also a pretty understandable reaction -- it's really frightening for the people we love when they see us hurting.

crowy

Hi crowyhead,
When i suffered with depression i took meds but only for two weeks they didn't help at all i probably didn't give them enough time to work, i still suffer with depression but i muddle through it this is usually when the need to self-harm is the strongest and i have to fight with myself inside to stop myself from doing it.
I feel like i deserve to be punished for letting my abusers abuse me for the amount of time that they did, it's also a way of coping with the pain and the anger that i feel, that i can't express.
I am sectretive and i do feel ashamed, i hide the marks on my wrist but sometimes i forget there, there and then my husband sees them. i agree with you there my husband hates to see me hurting and when he sees a mark on my arm he knows that this is a time when i'm really hurting inside, he also thinks i do it to hurt him on purpose, i don't i hide the marks if i did it to hurt him i'd tell him i was going to do it and then i wouldn't hide it, but i do hide them and i don't tell him, i don't plan when i'm going to hurt myself but i'm sure he thinks i do.
he jutb doesn't understand that i feel like i deserve to be hurting it helps to releive what i'm feeling and it relieves the blame i feel too.

Take care,
Sheryl.

[ASchwartz]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?


Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?


Allan

In my personal experience, I have found this to be true. I have not been to therapy for SI, as it is a fairly recent thing for me. However, what improvements I have seen in other areas of my life have come about through therapy and meds. In fact, I have made HUGE strides in my OCD because of group and individual therapy. At one point, if a towel was folded wrong, I had to unfold and refold all towels in the cabinet. Now, I just refold the one that is wrong. Likewise, in the past, if my DD's clothes were not hanging straight in the closet, I had to take them all out, take them off the hangers, put them back on the hangers and rehang them. Now, I can just straighten the closet. I still struggle with other areas of OCD/control, especially fear of germs and my kids' appearance, BUT this is partly because my last therapist and I agreed I was not yet ready to let go of these issues and trying to do so would have caused more harm than good.

[sheryl]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?


Allan

Hi, i took meds for about two weeks after i had my little girl because i had post-natal depression i'd been suffering with depression for years so my doctor told me and i had never realized so i never got any help until i had my little girl, whe4n i was taking the meds i wasn't seeing a therapist so i do agree with you based on that experience i rather thought that they made me feel worse rather than better, but know i see a therapist and don't take the meds anymore, i don't know whether i should go back on them becaose i sink into deep depression every couple of weeks when i'm suffering really bad with flashbacks and nightmares.

[nightfalls]

I have chosen not to post

[crowyhead]

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

I think my answer would be "yes and no." After several years of combining medication and therapy, my therapist felt that I was doing very well on my own as long as I stuck with my meds, and that we could stop regular therapy and I could just get in touch if I felt I was in crisis. I went for nearly five years on Wellbutrin without suffering any recurrence of major depression
and without resorting to SI. I started up therapy again last year, though, when I started having problems with depression, anxiety, and SI again, and it's been extremely helpful.

I don't know if the antidepressants alone would have been enough to get me out of my initial major depression and associated problems. When I first started taking them, I was not in therapy, and while I found that they helped with the sucidal ideation and some of my problems, I had a lot of thought patterns that were still presenting a problem. I don't know if I could have actually stayed happy, rather than simply not dangerous to myself, if I hadn't had therapy. On the other hand, once my condition was stable and I had improved greatly, continuing therapy didn't seem necessary until I started having problems again.

crowy

[RKitty]

I don't actually cut... it's weird but when my depression becomes unbearable I have obsessive, incredibly detailed thoughts about cutting (or suicidal cutting) - I can get lost in the fantasy for a while... I suppose it is a way of coping/escape without the physical act of cutting...

There have been times though, when I have been frightened to have anything sharp at all around me for fear of being thrust over the edge from fantasy into reality....

[Natalie]

I wish that I had known this years ago, it would have saved me serious pain and suffering. I don't understand why my MD treated me just with a anti-depressent and didn't refer me to a T and he didn't fallow me very closely. I saw him just once a month for 5 min. He didn't see or understand and I could not comunicate it, how bad I felt that is. I was suicidal and SI'ing and alone. I think to myself now if I had had a T mabe someone would have seen it getting worse when I could not. It was a five month down hill road that ended in a attemp. I don't think medication should be purscribed without a closer fallow-up sinario. I know this situation has affected how I trust Dr's and medication. I have no desire to try a med again I think it made me worse. I know mabe it was just the depression itself but still now I have a total fear of taking medication at all. I have been perscribed a anti-depressant again but I just can't take it, I feel like it is a poision to me. I told my Dr that I could do therapy but no meds. Not yet anyways:o

Hi-
Unfortunately, MDs (unless they are psychiatrists) have very limited training in mental health issues. So, they are not experts in assessing/diagnosing, and treating problems that affect people who come to their offices. Please do not let this negative experience taint your vision of all doctors and all medication. As others have suggested, often, the best approach is a combined approach. However, the medication recommendation and necessary follow up (to tweak the dose and/or to change to a new medication) should come from a psychiatrist, rather than a family doctor or general practitioner.

[Ms. Nobody]

Hi, I’m new to the forum. I began cutting when I was 9 years old and at the time I knew very little about self injury itself, in fact I had never heard of it before. For the longest time I thought I was the only person who did something like this. I felt alone, and I was scared to talk to anyone about what I was going through fearing they would get angry, or disgusted. I can’t remember when I learned that there were other people who SIed as well, but it was, in a way, a great relief.

I don’t recall what made me begin self injury, but the first time I did it was a complete accident. I was helping my cousin build a model car. The kit had an sculpting knife that came along with it. I had just been yelled at by my mother for something I did wrong, and I ran over to my cousins house and was pouting in his room. I started playing with the knife some time later, and I hadn’t even noticed how sharp it was while I was scratching at my arm with it. I guess, unconsciously something about the whole thing made me feel better -- I don’t even completely understand what happened, but I’ve self harmed ever since.

I've never been to any therapists, but I talked to councilors thought my time in high school. I never told them anything about cutting or self injury. I guess I wasn’t ready. Now I know I do want to get help for this, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger face to face -- councilors weren’t so bad, but I don’t really trust therapists.

[Mark]

I'm curious why you feel safer with a school counselor than with a therapist? In my mind, the counselor is more likely to be superficial than a therapist (not in a bad way - just that they are more interested in your overall academic performance and not in a position to go into depth with regard to your actual issues - they would probably refer if it was something serious. It it this or something else? If my sense is correct (?) then well - it's no suprise that revealing more intimate fears and concerns to someone is frightening. Most everyone goes through that.

[apainfuladdiction]

i need help quiting cutting and i cant do it alone but i also cant tell any one and it seem like every time i try to quit it just gets worse can some one give me any suggestions

[Kay_J]

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[texasgirl]

Several of you have suggested therapy, I can't even count how many therapist my mother drug me to as a child. I remember driving for many hours sometimes to see different therapist. I was mostly "observed" then we would leave with a new kind of medication added to the list of what I already took. And new kinds of sick twisted "therapy" to try at home. I remember one therapist, I was suppose to talk to this one. I didn't want to so he straddled my lap in the chair I was in and got in my face, course that
just made me clam up even more. I will never forget his face.

I was on so many pills one time that I had blood tests twice a month for many years, to see if it was frying my liver. Must not have been cause the pills continued, so did the little games the therapists had me do. This continued till my teens, then I figured out I could cheek the pills. I became so with drawn my parents didn't have to mess with me anymore which made them happy.

I don't think to much therapy, I have had more than enough.

[mscat]

I started self harming when 16 yrs. old. I was in A psych hospital and a girl woulf cut herself. it was the first time I burned myself was in there. I had cut before as well, however, the burning helped me calm down better. I was also suffering from an eating disorder.
the eating disorder became horrid. I had treatment for that too. Ever since then I can trace back A pattern. I see now that i have always though in black terms, even my weight. the self injury has been an off and on experience for me over the years. Either out of anger, depression, The disconnected feelings of unreality, numbness and despair.
The last couple of yrs. my self injury took an ugly turn. It was back and worse then ever. i have severely injured myself by using chemicals. The burns went tghrough all the layers of my skin. AND i was in the burn unit, surgeries, skin graphs. Left nasty scars, and impaired mobility.
I did this a few times on diferent areas of the body. When it gets that bad I become very disconnected and not real. Body parts is sepaarate , and then I will "attack" a part of the body . Not as punishment , but more like I am zoned out.
Then I am on A high, I feel so much alive and relieved afterwards. Typically, A incident of SI for me, starts out as stress, then builds up from there.
i'll burn mostly to the 2nd degree. I have been dx as Borderline, and clinical depression.
I guess, for me, I cope with the disconnection by burning the flesh right off my skin.
I am no teenager anymore, and nearly 40 yrs old. I do see A therapist weekly, and A psych. doctor for medication. I take a thyroid med, Lexapro, clonidine, Klonipin .
I am on SSDI too.

[Mark]

Katie,

I remember one therapist, I was suppose to talk to this one. I didn't want to so he straddled my lap in the chair I was in and got in my face, course that
just made me clam up even more. I will never forget his face.

What you experienced sounds abusive. At the very least, it was an unwarrented invasion of space and inappropriate conduct from your therapist.

Just so that it is clear, when we suggest therapy to you, we (I?) do not envision someone invading your space, or medicating you to the gills. We have something more healing involved. And it is out there, but perhaps not so easily available in your town.

[texasgirl]

Trying to heal on my own.

[mscat]

The psych Doctor just told me yesterday that I am suppose to bel learning new ways to cope in therapy ....
Well um, I said to him I have done Si since 16 yrs old, and it came back worse then before .. He knows that I am violent towards myself, and I informed him that it is all I can do NOT to SI everyday.
NO, I am not learning new ways to cope in therapy, i just talk, and he gives feedback. Sometimes He is helpful, sometimes it is not.
Fortunately, the times that I have ended up in the Critical Care unit my therapist is contacted by the Psych team, and thankfully I have not ended up in the Psych ward ! I just know what to say . :p By the time an incident that bad of SI has occured i am so much more calmer and relieved , like A High from the Pain of Burning myself to the third Degree .... that is what it takes for me.

[Kirsten]

Well, I was picked on a lot towards the end of middle school, but never did anything about it I just dealt with it. One day I was channel surfing and I saw some movie or show and a girl had a bunch of problems, and she ends up cutting herself. That's where I first learned of self-injury, television. It was so graphic and she seemed so relieved afterwards. I never finished watching whatever it was, but the next time I was having a really rough day I decided to give it a try, and I felt so calm afterwards. So, that went on for a good while later on I started cutting words "failure" "worthless" things like that. I eventually moved on to burning which I discovered on a site while I was trying to get self-injury help. Again this is something else that I don't think I was really aware that people were doing. So, if it were a bad day I would resort to cutting if it was just the worst day imaginable I would burn. I kind of also used cutting as like a punishment if I got home from school or work and think that I said something really stupid or that I did something wrong. Part of me thinks the punishing part came because my mom never really punishes me for my bad choices and actions, and I've always craved for that structure so I tried to bring it to myself. At any rate I've managed to be si free for 2 years after the last time while I was in college I said no more. Of course I have urges all the time and think about it, but I think I've replaced that with other things, but not necessarily better things.

[mscat]

How bad did you burn yourself? and what did you use? Just curious, because I burn too and not cut anymore. I guess most of the day are worth me to Si. Cutting is something that people notice more and know it was self inflicted .Where As Burning, it is not the first thing somethinks that is self inflicted. Well, in mycase prople just think it was an accident. NOT self inflicted.. Maybe cause they have left bad scars. :eek:

[EliDavis]

I've been self injuring for as long as I can remember. It started by me hitting myself or other things and then I began to cut and burn. I was never introduced to it. It just seem like the pain helped. I didn't even know that anybody else did it until I got older and began researching the topic. I've never told any of my family or friends about my condition.

[Lie_low]

Around the same time that I first got very depressed my little sister was diagnosed with cancer. Everybody was very concerned for her for obvious reasons so I don’t think they noticed how badly I was doing and it didn’t seem right to add to the stress with my problems. When I tried telling my mother she didn’t take me seriously and I felt helpless. Cutting myself in the hotel bathroom during my sisters Make a Wish trip now seems like a pathetic attempt to prove to myself that my pain was real and that it mattered. Pointless. I wish I wasn’t still doing the same thing.