Losing the Fight

[journeyupward]

I'm losing the fight. There is no joy left in me. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. To do an errand with my husband or meet some friends for dinner or an afternoon out is an extremely overwhelming task and requires every bit of strength that left in my being. It leaves me horribly weak and depressed the next day.

I feel like I am ruining my husband's life. He is very social, loves to go out and meet new people, loves to see new places.

I have a friend flying in to see me in a week. I have always liked and enjoyed her very much. Now, I don't want to see her. I don't want her to see me this way. She's looking forward to doing some nice things with me. I really don't want to. I want to hide away and disappear. Bu I will give every last ounce of strength in my being to her for a whole week. When she leaves, as always, I will have a very deep crash in mood.

HOW SELFISH I'VE BECOME! I used to be an upbeat person most of the time. I would help others. They could come to my home, pour out their hurts and problems while I sat to listen. Then I'd ask them to find the central part of the issue. Then I'd help them find the tools they forgot they had to help them discover a solution themselves to take home and apply. It never failed to to build up their courage and strength. But these weren't mental problems.

Now I can't help myself anymore. I'm a sorry excuse for a human who is focused in on herself and crying for help while wanting to withdraw from life and humanity. I'm nothing more than a crying, irresponsible, spoiled infant in an adult sized body.

I wish death was easy. I'd probably have checked out already.

I keep dozing off at this computer and it's only 10:20 am. Depression is taking hold of all my senses now.

Thanks for listening
JourneyUpward

[tracey.f]

Hey journey, we've crossed paths before haven't we?!?

I'm sorry you're not feeling well at the moment.
Being depressed brings alot of unwanted feelings and untrue thoughts with it!
I'm sure your husband doesn't feel like you are ruining his life, i feel i'm doing that to the people closest to me when i can't function!
When i'm low, i don't really want to see too many people either, everything is an effort and so on...
Do you generally run on the depressive side of things?

Does your friend know about your illness? My 2 closest friends know about my illness, they haven't run for the hills!( Yet.)

I hope tomorrow is a little better for you and you manage to get yourself some sleep,
One day at a time, You can do this journey,
Take care,
Tracey

[journeyupward]

Thank you Tracey. You are so gentle in telling me the things I need to remember.

It seems that when I get close to hitting bottom I can't remember anything about coping skills or what is true and what isn't.

I guess I should create an emergency folder with your truths as well as coping skills, etc. so I can refer to them at times like this one.

I think I should also put emergency info and instructions in there to for my husband. Not that I expect he should ever need it but this disorder is somewhat unpredictable and he would know to go to the folder for the info, psych center/hospital address and phone numbers he might need.

Thanks again Tracey for your support and helping me to look up and forward.
JourneyUpward

[squiggle]

Hi Journey,

It seems as though we are kindred spirits in our current situations. Although I have not been diagnosed as bipolar I wandered into this room looking for someone who might experience what I have.

I too feel selfish and unworthy of the things/people I have around me. I just want to lock myself off from the world. Everything outside of my home is just too much work. I work full-time but I have not been able to make myself go in for over a week. I feel guilt about that. I have experienced depression for about 11yrs. I go through peaks of being fine to valleys of just wanting to be done with everything.

We are all so tough on ourselves, would we give more compassion to others? I know I certainly would. You are not alone in your world, though you might feel like it. There are certainly others out there that experience similar thoughts/feelings.

I hope your husband is supportive and works with you through these trying times. I have a boyfriend but we are in a long-distance relationship I see him about every month or two and I have not told him about my depression. We've been together for a year and a half. Things are good but I am concerned how he would react to hearing that what he believes to be his upbeat girlfriend is actually mostly at home alone crying and not knowing how to make it all better. It's easier to ACT like everything is fine over the phone or via email/text. He's a funny outgoing life of the party kind of guy with a 12 yr old son. He can make me smile in my darkest moments though, which is blissful for that brief time.

It is heartening to find someone whose words just immediately connected with me. I feel like I am drowning most of the time and it gets tiring to try and stay afloat.

I hope you continue to talk/write and that I can learn from you and support you when you need it. Always just a reply away.

Squiggle. :)

[mabear]

Journey upward = how are you doing today? Are you ok?

[tracey.f]

Hi journeyupward, how are you doing today?

You are too kind, i'm just about treading water myself at the moment. I would say i am a work in progress and i always will be!

I have a folder with all the numbers in it, so that might not be a bad idea!

Have you ever wrote down how you are feeling when you are having a down time? I don't always remember my episodes, my therapist tried to teach me that when your down that you will always come out of it. I forget that, alot!

Let us know how you're doing, we care about you,
always here for a chat,
tracey