What is going on in your world...

[JustTrying]

Morning! I am going to try to get this started. This is a thread where you can tell us what is happening in your world. Little things you have done today. It can be serious or it can be just fun things. Sort of a place to just check in... I will get it started.

JustTrying

[JustTrying]

Been up since 5 am. I fell asleep last night before the Nascar race was over, had a bout 5 laps left! So I have to see who won. My "little Fellow" wasn't in there ... Jamie McMurrey (sp) and my second pick Kasie Kane wasn't there either!:confused:

I am just the slightest bit manic, I think, or maybe this is just how I am suppose to feel. I have energy and I am truly happy. With all that has happened in the past few months, it is amazing to me that I am happy. Of course I am not drinking either. To think I must have enjoyed getting drunk and crying in my beer,.... little did I understand that this person I am becoming was inside me... you can't get this feeling from a bottle.

Put my Hummingbird feeders out yesterday.The hummingbird checked them out, but didn't eat any. I put sugar water in them, I think that is what you are suppose to use. Mowed the fenced in yards and brought Minnie in and gave her a bath. I tired to trim her hair and ended up cutting her. I will try to trim some more today outside. Clipped her nails too.

We have puppies!!! Teeter had 3 but somehow , when I was at my Husbands..1 got lost or got ate or something. That puppy is nowhere to be seen. She is only a little over a week old.

I went to a thrift store the other day and for $5.75 I got 8 pair of jeans that actually fit me and 2 shirts! The pants all look like new. I had been wearing 9's but I lost some weight and they were real bagggy....These are 6's and they fit good. Also makes me feel better when I look better.

Go to the church tonight for the first time. It is part of my probation.I can cut my "class" time in 1/2 if I goto the church services once a week. It is Pentecostal (sp) I am Baptist... it may not help me, but surely it won't hurt me. I have heard about churches like this but I guess I will go and see for myself. They wear those long ankle length skirts but they said I could wear pants... I do have some dresses that are decent I may wear them although I don't have a tan yet.

My friend with the failing liver is on the CB... I think he has been on there all night. He sounds good. I haven't talked to him yet. My husband and I are going to go and mow his grass and get rid of some limbs for him today or tomorrow.

That is all that is going on in my world so far!

Peace!!!! JT

[goose]

Hi Just Trying,

This is a lovely thread. Well I am going to take it easy today, a promise my husband and I made during the week. We are off to the cinema shortly to see "My Sisters Keeper", anyone seen it?. I know we get movies later on this side of the Atlantic (Europe). Tried to convince my youngest (13) year old son to come with us but he has seen the trailer and thinks it is too girly.

My daughter (18) is on her first holiday away with friends, she is in Cyprus. Just got a text to say she came home this morning at 6am from a nightclub:eek:. Her text yesterday said she was about to do some paragliding - her dad is just recovering from that news - wont tell him about todays text yet.

My 16 year old son is convinced he has the 'swine flu'. Yes he is unwell but will he take medication for me?, have to bribe him big time. He also won't stay still long enough to allow himself get better, he has ADHD.

I can see out of the corner of my eye a massive pile of ironing:(, my most unfavourite past-time. What do you hate to do around the house?

Have a lovely day all.

Goose

[JustTrying]

Morning!

I hate to do the yard work, and hate to hand wash dishes, dust and fold clothes!!!

With this new medication, it is hard to just sit still so, all of that is getting done!:)

Up at 4 am this morning. Feel totally relaxed and wide a wake. Didn't go to sleep until midnight. I suppose I am a tad manic. I can take a Melitonin if it gets to where the lack of sleep is bothering me. I have an appointment on the 24th to talk to my Pdoc and I will tell her about the not needing of sleep ( worded that funny!!! ) Personally I am not bothered by it. This is a good manic, not the angry mean manic. If you know what I mean. Have also been sober for almost 30 days and quitting drinking has been known to cause some sleepless nights... they say for 6mo to a year sometimes.

Went to Church last night. Let me explain, I am court ordered to take this class for 24 weeks. The ACTS class.... but if I go to the church where these classes are held and attend services for 12 weeks then I can cut my time in half. 3 months instead of 6 months.

So that is the reasoning behind it. Ok , it may not help but, it sure won't kill me. I was raised in a religious home and have some issues with trusting people that are "religious", due to problems that I have had with Members of the church and preachers. To make a long story short, I witnessed a bunch of Hypocritical things growing up and was abuse by some "religious" people in New Bethany Home For Girls.

God and I have had a relationship on and off for years. I do not like being forced to listen to preaching, but I am trying to keep an open mind. At the ACTS classes they discuss some form of addiction and then preach for 45 minutes. Last time I found myself falling into the preaching, getting that warm fuzzy feeling... and they I remembered, that man may be a preacher but, he is not God and what he is saying is just his opinion based on his interpretation of the Bible.

As a child I though all adults where wiser than me.

I am Baptist, and this church is Pentecostal. I went and sat in the back. It truly was interesting, the 1 1/2 hr just flew by.They are a lot louder than Baptist and they have a band. There was allot of of singing and hand clapping. I don't know why the preacher used a microphone, he would have been loud without it.

No warm and fuzzy feelings... But I listened with an open mind. I know my Mother was sitting up in Heaven thanking God for giving me that DUI and having me sent to church! She must have been wearing a smile.

I suppose religion , like politics is a taboo.. subject , but I do not wish to debate the Bible ... Just tell how I feel about religion in general.

I guess my biggest turn off is the big fancy buses this church has, and the new expensive suit the preacher had on. Now mind you , he seems like a nice man.
But I can't help but see "REV."Mack Ford..... I can't help but remember him sleeping in his "Mansion" and all of us girls not even having air condition in Louisiana. He would take a group of girls and go traveling and have them sing and collect money.

At the church last night they collected money for a Children's Home.... I just wondered.. are those poor kids being abuse like we were? Are they being exploited and used like we were?

My Mother and her Preacher thought they were sending me to a good place and it turned out not to be. It caused me allot of damage, Things that I still haven't dealt with and hope to deal with with my new therapist.

Over the years I have learned how to become a CON.... and although I don't do it , I use to be very good at it. You just have to tell people what they want to here. To me allot of organized religion is just a con for money and prestige.

DANG!!!! Guess I got a little too serious !

Teeter is moving the male puppy all the time. I am afraid she is going to kill him, she wants to bring him in the house. Always the male puppy never the female. I planned on keeping the male and Hubs was thinking of keeping the female.... I had the other female sold , but she went missing.

Little Bit is coming into heat.... she weighs about 6 lbs... We are not going to let her be bred.

Thinking about staying home this week, if it won't worry Hubs... He actually drove me to the church and waited for me for almost 2 hrs ( they had baptism) He was afraid I would get to the parking lot and then change my mind. I do not like crowds or new things... I sorta snuck in , sat in the back and left as fast as I could, although everyone was very nice.

If I go to TN. I am going to take Teeter and the Pups , plus I have to take Pocket ( the diabetic dog).

I have been going through things in the house in preparation for a yard sale this upcoming weekend. I also have ads in the paper to sell things. I have plenty to do but I think Hubs is afraid to leave me with money afraid I will drink.... not going to, but I have put him through this so many times. It will take time for him to understand, that for the first time in what seems like forever, I feel good.

Gonna close this book for now.... Perhaps I need to start a BLOG... Is this what this is??? Never understood what a blog was ... will look that word up...

JT

[ASchwartz]

Hi JT,

You do "sound" a little hypomanic in your posting. Yes, you should discuss this with your "pdoc."

As for being mandated to go to this program or to this Church, I have never understood how being mandated to do anything can possibly help. In my experience it only creates resentment. I guess it is good that you are keeping an open mind. But, I have always had a problem with being mandated. Frankly, I even hated the "required classes" in college. Oh, well.

Allan :)

[JustTrying]

Yep , Manic! But I just love not being depressed...

I will tell my Pdoc about it Friday. Hopefully she will just up the Lithium but that will mean more bloodtests in the future.

I am In TN with Hubs. I tend to sleep alot up here during the day. I think that is boredom. It is a small apartment and only so much to do. Not really into TV much and can't get on the internet until after 5 pm.

We found a NA meeting in Somerville, TN at 8 pm. I am going to go to it next Tuesday.There may be some in Covington that are not listed but they will know.

I go Friday to NA to get my 30 Day Key Ring! I wants to collect them all!

My therapist yesterday knew I was a little manic... But dang it I feel good! But all it would take would be a few beers and the BITCH would be back! But thank goodness I don't have to worry about that today.

Think I am going to start a blog.....

TT you all later, JT

[SweetSue]

Hi there folks

My world is a bit strange and unpredictable at mo. Im in hospital at present and to be quite honest im a bit sick of seeing sick people and long for the day when the shrinks say that i can go home. Thankgod this hospital lets you use laptops thats all i can say.

So i guess i have had a pretty structured day today, no shock there for those of you that have ever been on one of these kinds of wards.

The highlight of my day ( if you can call it that ) was when i realised that the cook here was actually as rubbish at cooking as i am .

I miss my children dearly and am looking forward to the end of the wk when hopefully if all goes well i can get day release to see them for the first time in well over a week,

not got a very excitiing life at mo . but it will get better, i hope.

[JustTrying]

Welcome Jessica Jane! Hope things turn out well for you. Welcome Goose too!

I am keeping a blog for my therapist on another site, so I don't know If I have the wordds to keep two blogs... so I just thought I would post.

Pdoc upped the Lithium to 3 - 300 mil a day. She said to try that and to adjust it as I saw fit because I can tell better than she what is going on with me. I go back in 3 months and have to have blood tests before then to make sure the level is good. On 2 pills a day, it was right at the bottom of the spectrum. Just barley in the right range. The doctors will know what I am talking about. Also my body will handle the medication diffrent when I am not drinking verses when I was drinking all the time. Very dangerous to drink on these meds.

Pulled a drunk Thursday...:eek: but threw the leftovers away the next day and turned downa free 20 pack. I still fell good , as far as my mind is in a good place. If I work AA/NA My counting would start over... but If I don't work them, then I still have sober time.As I look at the calender and see the days that I marked with an X ... the days I didn't drink... I still feel good. To me the idea of going back to day 1 is depressing. That is like knotting a sweater and missing a stitch and having to pull it all out and start all over.

I still haven't decided on AA/NA or not. But I am going to go to a few meetings and see what happends. Personally I think the therapy and staying busy will help.

Today is yardsale day! Wish me luck!

JT

[mscat]

Good evening !
It's a HOT summer eve out here in California. We have had triple didget heat. So my son and I , + dogs have stayed inside today .My teenager has been staying up late and sleeping in most of the day, which gives me a break:) .
My yorkie and our little 13 week old Shih Tzu puppy hang out in the apartment, with the AC on >
I have not been on here for a while, I can't SI since my son is out of school, however, it has been difficult, and I have been obssesed over this again> Not good .
My therapist is gone this week on vacation, so that sucks .But what can I do? Not a thing .Oh well .
Soon my son will be turning 16 years old . I've been a single parent for that long, and to a disabled child. My how time marches on.

[JustTrying]

Hello Mscat.... sorry to hear of your difficulties. The obsession to do anything addictive can be very strong and hard to deal with. Know that you are in my prayers.

Went to church tonight. I felt nothing at the service. Nothing good or bad... just nothing. I did get to hear them talk in tongues a little bit... interesting.

I am in a good place tonight. My friend with Cirrhosis is back in the hospital and he is delusional. I went Friday and spent some time with him and fed him. The next day he said to me ... " I know you! Your the one who won't let me eat!" I fed him! But he kept wanting to go to the bathroom and eat, and I wouldn't let him do that.

I think back to 7 years ago when he was my age. Could anyone have predicted he would be in the shape he is in because of drinking? I had test done about a year ago and my liver and all is healthy... or it was.. am I slowly killing myself? Tomorrow is his Birthday. He will be 47 years of age. I doubt he will see 48.

I have decided to go about this on my own with the help of God. I prayed this morning to have the obsession to drink lifted and I drove right by the beer store 2 times today and the thought to stop and get beer never crossed my mind. I can do this, maybe not alone but with the help of God and my friends and family... I can do this.


The puppies are growing so FAT! They are going to be big healthy Min Pins.

That is about it for tonight! Catch you all later! JT

[mscat]

hi JT, How cool that you have Min pin pups :cool: I have one 13 weeker and boy she is a handful :p
It's anther scorcher her in HOT California. It's 10am and were about 90' already, no joke. My pup goes in to the vet the afternoon, i'll have my brother drive , it's over a 45 min drive > LAtely i've have have huge memory problems, when talking. Even watching tv, do not know which show it is I am watching and stuff. I'm only 40. Don't do drugs, or drink either, but the Dr put me on folic acid cause I was low n that, and B12, somethings up , cause slowly the memory is going.
Anyway, other then that everything is peachy ! CA budget cuts , I might lose my in home support services , 40,000 people are getting cut. I am unsure if that will effect me yet or not.
If you don't live in CA , then I highly reccomend that you plan on NOT moving here in the near future . Just a tip ! ;)

[JustTrying]

Morning.... only have a few minutes this morning...

MSCAT.. it is raining here in TN.!!! Muddy in the scrapyard... I will be glad when we get the yard cleaned up and some sod put down. Doesn't look like anytime real soon... but I wish it was done yesterday!

Got the baby and of course Pocket with me .. the baby is in heat and she doesn't know what is up! I hope to get them all fixed soon, most of them are. I would like to think Love made the world go around, but I am afraid it is money.....

Feel very well this morning... in a good place.


May do some painting today or clean some bricks... they pay 10 cents a brick!

Later, JT

[mscat]

It's Wednesday, eve. and I am a bit upset, money wise :( mainly because i been trying to save for my sons birthaday, and its not working too well. I have hadto transfer funds back into checking account, and they keep trying overdraw my account> Yuck .As a single mom , it is maddening. My kid is disabled, has high functioning autism and cognitive delays, likes his routines, and when that is messed up, he becomes irate, that is what I get to deal with nOW .
It sucks, but , it will be ok. Trying to make ends meet, extra long summer months, the heat, triple digets , a grouchy teenager, could it get any better:rolleyes:
Therapist is on vacation this week too, which is different, I am still in my Pj's. oh well, nice to be lazy . My kid is upset, he won't eat > Damn.
I hate it when my adult issues gets in the way , it has nothing to do with him, poor kid, he got wind of it, now he's stressed. now this makes me feel like a bad parent.

[JustTrying]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son Mscat.

Had a few words with my husband this morning. But I think it cleared the air. I know I feel better and I feel like he is treating me better... not being an old grouch!

Got the utility room painted, at least the first coat, but the paint won't cover the lines that are on the plywood. Gonna have to try some Kilz I think. I stayed up here the extra day to get it done so that we can bring the washer and dryer up. But, alas!

Yes! I want life to be a bed of roses... but I must remember roses have thorns too!

The babies, (dogs) are laying on their blanket. They look so peaceful and satisfied. I can't wait to get home tomorrow and see if the puppies have opened their eyes yet.

I feel so much better now that Hubs is not being a grouch. I believe that environment has much to do with mood. Just like the weather or daylight or lack of daylight. If I am feeling down and sleepy, if I go outside for 15 minutes or so, I can change my mood. A smile from my husband can do the same. Just My opinion, but that is how it seems to work for me.

I will keep you all updated on the pups!

NEXT???????

JT

[GingerSnap]

It's late afternoon and the dehydrator is filled with bananas. I am waiting for the bus to bring home my adult son with DS from the day center and disappointed that I didn't get an email from my older son who is stationed in Afghanistan as it worries me because he is involved in Security and the election is on the 20th and things get worse every day there. I'm wondering today if many other people have hobbies that could bring them "rewards" - make them feel better about themselves. With my younger son, it means a lot to him to have things that he has made and gives him a good feeling about himself. I have stacks of projects I am working on as well as fixing this old house that we bought. I'm perplexed by the state of the world most of the time.

[JustTrying]

Hello everyone... Thought I would pop in for a few.

Been trying to stay busy. I am cleaning out the attic in preparation for another yard sale. The medication seems to be working... I feel more leveled out, I am still getting things accomplished, but I do not feel manic.

I stayed home this week witht he puppies, they have a foot fetish!! They love to chew on my bare feet. They go Monday to have their ears done.

A neighbor that I have never talked to invited me to the Revival at her church. I went to 2 meetings. This church is more like the ones I grew up in. I may go back this Sunday. Still no warm and fuzzy feelings.... I have been talking to God and that seems to be going well....

Looks like the drinking is down to 1 day a week. I don't know why I still drink, I don't really want it. Perhaps it has to do with control. My therapist says that the drinking, cutting and not eating are all ways that I try to control things.

I am suppose to write a list of good things about me this week... I just can't think of many. All I ever see about me are the bad things...

Have been laying out in the sun and finnally got rid of the bloated stomach, so I feel good. Still at 135.... so the meds are not making me gain weight.. that is good.

Hope everyone has a great day!

JT

[malign]

Hey JT,

When you think of all the bad things, do you give yourself credit that you're not doing them (as much), any more?

When I first met you (nine months ago, now, wow), you were having some pretty bad times ... You seem so much better now, more whole. Sure, there's still work to do; who's ever going to be finished? But you sound pretty happy these days, and that's pretty great to hear.

[tourdelove]

What's going on in my world? Mmmm, confusion. Delusion. obsession. Being stuck... slowy unstucking myself but mostly spinning my wheel.

trying to be good to myself. Trying to see people, even if it's a real struggle. Trying to destroy my health on the one hand, and not destroy it on the other.

[mscat]

To tourdelove, hang in there, I am very sorry things are so hard for you right now. I hope it is less stressful for you , and things become better.

My son son had his 16th Birthday on Aug. 10th :) . omg, do I feel old :p I've raised my child on my own since he has been born . A little accomplishment because of his autism and cognitive delays, then me, falling to the wayside into my old behaviors of Deppression, BPD, among other struggles, however this happened when he was older. A blessing in disquise I believe I may have not been able to continued raising him alone, on top of my own problems too if he were to be still a young child with autism .
I am proud of my kid. He is verbal, and high functioning as far as autism goes. However is cognitive delayed placing him years younger then his age. His brain is at a 8yr old , and emotionally around a 6 yr old. this can be a challenge , not only that he repeats topics of his own primary intrests. OVER and OVER again, non stop. Oh gosh what a headache. He loves dates of movies and actors , dates of deaths and when they were born. He talks constanly about about things that happened in the past, negative crap, that he knows were unaccaptable, It was not me either, it was when I was away, he speaks of these incidents over and over . He is a great kid though .A honest kid. Never lies.
He is a literal thinkier with a photographic memory. Like all teenagers he has attitude. That is great fun for me to deal with :rolleyes:

[tourdelove]

Hi Mscat, thanks!

Wow, your kid is great! You're great!!!! You must need quite a bit of energy to help him! I have a friend who's brother has mild autism as well, he talks about him constantly. He is in his thirties now... and his brother is 45...I have never met him though...

[JustTrying]

Morning Mscat and Tourdelove, and anyone else just reading!:)

Cat--- I do give myself credit although I feel like others do not see it the way I do. ( My therapist does) I haven't cut in a very long time....I have drank only 4 time since June 23rd 2009. The reason for the cut down on drinking was that I was extremely suicidal and actually called my Husband and told him that I need to be with him ... he works out of town, so I started going to his apartment 3 -4 days a week. That way I wouldn't drink and I wouldn't be alone.

Considering I was drinking 4-5 days a week, I think I am doing great. I still don't know why I drink, other than I am just not ready to give it up. It also is the "Bad" Little girl syndrome! Daddy ( husband) Doesn't want me too so I have to .... I don't know if anyone understands that .....

The new medication is helping so much... sometimes I get a little manic, or a little down, but I am not rapid cycling like I was.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Tourdelove.... quote: What's going on in my world? Mmmm, confusion. Delusion. obsession. Being stuck... slowy unstucking myself but mostly spinning my wheel.

trying to be good to myself. Trying to see people, even if it's a real struggle. Trying to destroy my health on the one hand, and not destroy it on the other.
__________________________________________________ _______________

I can so relate... by drinking , exspecially on these meds, I am playing Russian Roulette with my liver. When I am not drinking , I take vitamins, eat well and try to take care of myself and then... I will go on a drunk...has only been one day lately but, I have been known to go on a 2-3 day bender. On those days, I eat nothing, I do not take care of myself and do crazy things....

I love it when I feel good and healthy... and then I sabotage it.
__---------------------------------------------------------------

Waiting for the sun to come up so I can tan some more... I am almost the shade I want to be. I look so much better...It is brining the red out in my hair tough. I hate to dye it ... all the dyes turn my hair too dark.

After I get done with this coffee... I am going to get back into the Attic. I don't think I am going to have the Yard sale today. I would have to ride the lawn mower over there and I would rather stay home and get some sun.Think I am getting addicted to it!!!

The fellows are on the CB this morning. But they are boring me today!

Hubs should be home tonight. Then I will haul all this stuff over to the old house and have a sale next week. I will have to price all the stuff and set it out.

Off to read my books and do my prayers....

everyone have a great day!

JT

[tourdelove]

Oh JT, I think it's great that you cut down on the drinking. I know how hard it can be to cut down on something, especially if you are around others, your friends, that do something you don't want to do anymore... I am trying to cut down smoking :( and I feel so strange and trapped.... I still go to the gym, but it's hard to get there for me. And I also cut down on my drinking... I never drank that much, just in the past two years, because I am single [i guess] and started going out a lot and hanging out with this one group of friend... it was just not what I wanted to do....

For me it's so hard because, this group of friends, not that they are necesseraly bad... they just drink and smoke that's all. And that's all they do... But my best friend hangs out with them, and right now, because I have hardly any friends, and I live by myself, I so crave companionship that I call her again, and go hang out, and then, get trapped in all sorts of weirdness.

Yesterday, for example, my friend got really drunk. Not that it bothers me so much, but it's just the interaction with her boyfriend. I had to take care of her, and her BF becomes jealous of me, and tells me nasty things, than says he's sorry, than asks me to take care of her because he wants to party... I feel sad. It's like I don't really exist anymore. Nobody really calls me anymore. I call them. And then, all I do is bring them home in my car, and then drive home. disapointed and bored. But it's either that, or being completely alone. Sometimes I just go out with these people so that I am not ashamed if someone asked me, what did you do last night? I can still pretend I have some friends.

[mscat]

What's going on in my world? last night my son & I just could not sleep. We went to Hanford , on Friday to do our regular weekly friday night outing. It is a 45 mile trip one way , since we live out in the boonies. My son is going back to school on Monday, and "says it is monday is back to hell" he is going back as a Jr. in a SDC class. Out of town. In a wonderful program. He loves his teacher , and the kids, but getting back into the swing of things after a a few months is never fun for any kid.
This is the time when it becomes difficult for me to cope. I don't have him home all day , and even though he drives me nuts at times, at least he is home , and when he's not, I am lost. I tend to fall back into old patterns and behaviors , and just can't control those numbing unreal , spacey lost, too quiet times.

[JustTrying]

Tourdelove, I can realate to that also. Although I am married my husband is out of town and It seems like, except for one person, I am the one that always does the calling... I actually quit calling for a few weeks to see if anyone would call me. One actually did and the other did ask about me on the radio.

I am in the process of making some new friends. People that I would never associate with while I was drinking heavey...Because, I like to get drunk and cry in my beer and that tends to get on peoples nerves.

A neighbor invited me to church. She is older than I ... they all are... but perhaps she and I will becomefriends ... she has invited me to come and sit on her porch and drink coffee in the mornings. It is very difficult for me to be around people sober, but I don't need to be around people when drinking.
___________________________________________

MSCAT.... Hang in there.... come here and post .. or yu can PM... I know this is a hard time for you ... just know you are in my prayers.

__________________________________________________ __

Washed all the dogs and got rid of as many fleas as I could. They have been bad this year. It was only 5 more that I let in the house but it feels like 20!! I am going to let them stay in for a few days or at least today. I don't think my nerves can take all of them in the house.... Gidget's sugar is running about 70 (low) and she has lost a lot of weight so she needs to stay in.

I love my dogs dearly but I put them out of the house because I couldn't handle the stress..

Going to church in a bit. I want to check out this preacher...

Have a Great day.... and I will TT you all later!!!

JT

[mscat]

JT,
I hope that going to church helps you feel better. That was nice of the older lady to invite you. I think that it is great to stay away from people who drink and try to hang around sober friends, even though it is difficult . My brother is a drinker, and is in denial , the thing that scares me is that he also has dieabets type 2 , drinks too much bud lite , and never can see that he's drunk either, he becomes relaxed and nicer as he drinks more and more. That is how he copes. What I try to make him understand is that if I SI that is a way of coping as well. He does not get it though. :rolleyes: I worry that his blood sugar is going to get him into a world of trouble with the amount of drinking he consumes, yet he can't se that his behavior his self destructive?
Self injury , self harm , the way I cope is just as bad as his way at dealing with things .
Anyway , today , I HAVE to do all the laundry ! It's back to school for Matthew tommorow, and we both need clean clothes to wear. I procrastinate on the laundry , it's not one of my favorite chores . Then it piles up . I have to go to the laundry rm. ANd it's a big complex , I live in the very back, so I drive around to the front , seriously it is that big ! & I have that much to wash.
I son Makes me feel so old , after turning 16yrs old less then a week ago. My gosh it seems like yesterday I was that age .Where does the time go?
I hope your dogs feel better after their baths. My two are my babies. They are indoor little ones. A yorkie and a Shih tzu puppy, who is full of attitude. The pup is not even 4 months old. Matthew has bad allergies so I got these kind that are hypoallergenic and are non shedding breed . They are adorable . The yorkie is in my avater, her name is Suzi, and the puppy is Miely, she is my son's dog.

[JustTrying]

MSCAT.... I see drinking as a way of SI for me. I use to cut too, so I know what you are talking about. When I drink one day... I fall down or somehow end up with bruises... always black out... but if I go on a 2-...... day bender... I don;t take care of myslef, I don't take care of the dogs, I don't eat, I don't care.... all I care about is the next drink... until I get so sick that I will sit and take a drink, throw it up and take another drink....

It is like I am punishing myself for being alive.... When I cut... well people say that I am pretty... it was like I was trying to destroy that... I don't deserve to be pretty. when people say they like my personality, I feel the same I don't deserve to have a good personality. Not to get into it too much, but my parents wou8ldn't stop drinking and partying long enough to take care of me... If my parents didn't think I was good enough then how can anyone else???? And when people see the good side of me I try to run them off... I don't know why.... Guess that is why I am in therapy.

Sorry.... bad subject for me...

I will be back later...

JT

[mscat]

JT,
You have ben through so much , and I understand what your saying. If it is any comfort at all, It makes sense to me as to why you have chose to self destruct in this manner .It is all youhave really ever known, and hate . IMO, it makes perfect sense as to why then drinking is / SI for you, as well as cutting .My brother is a heavy drinker, however does not see what I do to myself the SI the same as what he does, he also has diabetes type 2. It pissess me off that I can't talk to him about it . Or at least turn to him . He is the one turning to me for emotional support, Oh well I guess it because I am his older sister .
At least i can help him . I am in therapy too, that is who I have, and in here.
Today, I am alone. It is odd . Just me and Suzi/yorkie and Miely the Shih Tzu puppy. SHe still plays all the times and eats anything she can get her teeth into. Her fav. Underwear :p
The apt is so quiet , we can hear the next door neighbor girl , that sets off the pup , barking in her high pitch woooof . It is still hotter then the dickens out in the San Jouquin Valley. The AC is on full blast and the sound that makes echos throughout the apt, at least it's central air .
Tomorrow is therapy. I feel lost and numb as I type this. Oddness is all around me. Fighting dissocation and a loss of connection from oneself right now. It is and happens at these times . These times of alone . Blinking furiously to try and wake myself up out of this trance .Drinking coffee too. I hate this , and hate it some more. Screaming inside now. It will be ok, because it has happened all too often, way too often numerous times to write about.
After the coffee, I'll go out on the balcony for a ciggarete . Yeah I smoke . Maybe turn on music to wake the trance up and the numbness out . God I hate the deadness that is already there , Already dead , but breathing . How strange.

[malign]

Cathy,

Can you go connect to the puppies? Pet them, play with them, break out of the numbness?

Find the life that's in there. That's you. And we need you, whole.

[tracey.f]

Hi, it has been a little while since i dropped in, how is everybody doing?

Mscat, i am so sorry to hear that your not doing so well at the moment. Hold on in there, please give yourself a moment to just breathe.

Well in my world things are a little weird at the moment, to be quite honest i don't know where i am in myself or my state of mind.
I am feeling anything and everything at the same time, i think i am just switching in and out of moods. In my world that usually means i am in for a major mood swing, oh well.
I can't seem to care about that, what happens just happens i guess. I will just deal with what ever comes along when it does.

I went to visit friends in Wales last week, it went quite well actually. I managed to keep up with my kids, not freak out when we went into town( Too many people, have i mentioned that i have panic attacks?)
I have been trying to keep busy, well i am becoming a little obsessed with exercising actually. Well as well as doing the house work, doing what i can with my kids and getting ready for my operation in a couple of weeks.
Well, i really am brain dead so i will leave it there.
Take care,
Tracey

[IrmaJean]

I didn't want to dredge up my long post about my therapist from the other board, so I am just writing in here.

I saw T over the weekend for the first time in more than 8 months. It's a very small community that we live in and this type of occurrence is inevitable. He's going about his daily life and so am I. I'm completely okay with it. Anyhow, it felt very comforting to see him. I like knowing that he is well. We greeted one another and then I gave him his space. I think that one thing I've noticed is that I feel completely on-level with him now. He's a person, just like me. I don't feel needy with him any longer. My feelings haven't changed, but my reaction to them has. I still adore him and it feels largely familial. But what I've learned through this is that one can appreciate the simple beauty in things without having to possess those things. Maybe it's secure attachment. Maybe it's internalized. I don't have to sit in the room with T to know that he still smiles and he still laughs. I don't have to sit in the room with T to keep my love and appreciation for him. Those feelings are within me forever. He isn't going to be there for me as my therapist any longer, but all that I learned from being in that room is part of me now. So I connect with him whenever I find the positive voice inside myself. It was our connection that helped me to find it.

After seeing him this past weekend, I think I have only one regret from my therapy experience. I really wish that I'd hugged him good-bye and thank you. I know he would have allowed me to...At the time, I didn't want to cause him any more discomfort then I knew I already had, so I didn't ask. So if there was anything that I wanted after seeing him, it would have been to give him a great big hug. It felt like a natural response that someone would have after not having seen a family member for a long period of time. It felt like something I wanted to give. I know that isn't possible now, so I just imagined it in my mind. I've decided that the best way to express affection in this type of relationship is by respecting its limitations, respecting him and respecting the finality of it now. He's a person, just like me...but I still love him and miss him. It was nice seeing him out and about, relaxed and happy...and just "being". It made me smile inside my heart. I can hug him in my mind and let him be. I just needed an outlet to express and process that. I'm glad I have a place to do that here.

Everything else is going very well with me. We had our family vacation last week, which was great. We went to an Adventure Park with the kids, took a ride on a boat and took the girls horseback riding. It was fun. Nice quiet time with H and the kids. All is well. :)

[JustTrying]

After having a slight crash... I am now back in a better frame of mind.... I still feel so lonely. All I have to do is reach out, there are people there. On the CB, On the phone, My neighbor wants me to visit, On the computer.... Haven't checked my voicemails.... the phone was ringing quite a bit yesterday, but I didn't want to answer it.... I just wanted to be alone... and feel sorry for myself!!:)

MScat... I am so sorry you have that numb feeling right now... I know how that can feel. I think it is a protection mose that our minds go into... to think and feel... for me sometimes is dangeroous. I drink to numb the feelings... and they end up getting intensified. I cut to take my mind off the mental pain, and it is still there.

I hope My therapist can help me learn how to deal with these things. I have only been seeing her for a short time.


IrmaJean... I think it is normal sometimes to have feelings for your therapist.... they in a way are a life saver...I am sure it happens in many instances.... mine is female and I already think of her as a friend.


Tracey and Malign... good to see you....
______________________________________

I am going to lay out some today, still don't feel like talking to anyone. I think sometimes I do that for attention, to see who will keep calling, who will worry... who really cares.
I have the last batch of Chicken Jerky in the dehydrator for the dogs, and I put up the Big Limas that I cooked yesterday... they was good!:) Loaded the dishwasher and put in a load of blankets into the washer. I need to clean the porch and fix it for the dogs, so that I can get some sleep at night. They roam the house and get into things when they think I am asleep. It is cool enough at night for them to be out. They need me so much.. I am all they have known all their lives... they are getting old and some are dying off... 2 are sick right now.... but they will be ok for a while as long as I give them love.
Off to get some sun.... TT you later! JT

[mscat]

I slept in this morning, and it was 10 min before my therapy appointment. I decided I better go . I put clean clothes on, pulled my hair back , grabbed my purse , and smoked a half a cig. on the way . The office is 5 min away . I live in a tiny town. I got there 7 min late.
I was very out of sorts though. No coffee before hand , no am medications either, or morning shower, or even a little mascara . I looked and felt shitty, but was there. Not in a good mood at all ! :p I told T about the numbing out and disconnecting eposoides. He told me their are feelings attatched to these and I have no idea what they are . I have see the same T for years , He knows me well . He also informed me that he can tell when I am starting to go towards SI > That made me uncomfortable .Geez, am i that obvious . I asked him that . He can just tell. The session went well, however, My T . knows me too well, that he knows me , and can sense things that I wish he could not . It is difficult to respond to what he already knows, and I do not like it. However, it is easier to be painfully honest with him as well, because he does know me.
My puppy threw up when I got home :( now I am worried, she has never been sick.
JT I hope dogs feel better. Keeping busy always helps the day go by faster then having nothing much else to do. Take care of yourself the best way you can, ok?
It's good to see others writing on here too. This is a good thread .Kind of a checking in , seeing how others are holding up on their days. Hang in there.

[goose]

Hi JT hope you will be feeling better soon.

Good luck with your new therapist, I hope it works out for you.

Can I ask you - what is chicken jerky, do only animals eat it? Putting food in a dehumidifer? - don't think we have them here. What are big limas ? - America seems like a whole different world to me!

Just curious

Goose

[karai]

Today, I'm trying to get into a positive frame of mind. I have been diligently doing my Self Esteem homework for several weeks and have finally tho't of and written down my affirmation sentence: "I am okay, I am worthwhile, I am doing the best that I can". My T tells me that I am a "good person", but it seems I still cannot accept that one. Somehow I see good as being angelic and that is definitely not me. I do not qualify. I have a black heart. So, for now, I am just "okay". I have to practice believing it before my next appt.
My T will be back from vacation next week; I see him on Friday. After leaving him w/ my journal pages from that last week (low point after a good week and a half), all in the promise to him and myself of being "totally honest", I feel I must, at least, show an attempt at wanting to get better. I fear he may think I have given up; I left my last appt. w/ the admission that I have regressed and have taken 2 steps backward. That following Monday I was having 2nd tho'ts about giving him my journal pages---almost called him to tell him not to read them. It all seemed so lame. I still feel stupid! Of course, he may have already read them by then, altho' I told him on Friday not to read them while he was away cuz I didn't want to ruin his vacation. I anguished in my journal instead.
I am afraid to go to session on Friday. I may not speak. What does he think of me now? That last session I asked him if he tho't I was pathetic. He didn't give me a direct "No" or "Yes", but I think I may have confirmed that answer in the positive now!
I need a kick in the head. If there are stupid things to be done, I would be the one to do them! :(

[paula]

Hi All

Thought I may as well join this thread.

Hows my day going, erm... I am sat here on this laptop after a raging night out! I was steaming! Suffering for it now though!

I have a docs appointment tomorrow (Monday) because I'm on the high risk register. Have to attend every week so as they can keep their eye on me.

Tuesday... I have an appointment with my private doc because I was involved in a RTA last year which has left me troubled with lower back pain. I am supposed to be meeting a Neurosurgeon there also, to examine my back?

After that appointment on Tuesday, I have a later appointment with my Psychiatrist. This will be the first visit since coming out of hospital and I'm not looking forward to it!

Well... another day, another dollar.

[mscat]

Paula, There's a lot going on in your world . I am very sorry to here that all is not well. :( A while ago I think a discussion I had with you was about the possibility for you to get on disability? I do not know ho it works inthe UK though.
Well The weekend went terribly fast . My son got off the bus on Friday in a terrible rage. A few kids in his class were upsetting him , and he just could not handle it. The rest of the weekend was all about the incident on the bus, because of his developmental delays, and autism. he is very behind socially , one kid , a older one , 17 yr old girl caught on, to his week spot , causing my son to absolutely become completey unglued on the bus, therefore ruined my weekend as well. Which sucks ass .
We have our annual appointment with the regional center tommorow pm. the lady comes over to our place and meets us and my son. I have to clean, and one of the dogs has had diarreah! for a few days ! Lucky me:rolleyes:
I am also broke . spent money on my kids BD , and now have to wait until the 3rd . which seems like forever .
Just peachy. I slept until 3pm today, but brother woke us all up. Otherwise still would be asleep. Sleeping makes me feel dead. Sometimes thats all I can do.

[paula]

Hi mscat

What a terrible thing for someone to wind your son up the way they did, they want shooting! Could you not go into the school and put a complaint in about this girl? Over here in the UK you can put a complaint in to the school and they would deal with it so it doesn't happen again?

You mention about claiming for Disability, yes I am on disability for care and mobility, along with Incapacity Benefit that you get for not being able to work at the present.

I hope things work out for you mscat. Thinking about you.

(((HUGS))).

[mscat]

My son is developmental disabled, has autism > He goes to a Special Day Class. Those are the kids who are in his class :( It happened on the bus! SO I am going to talk to his school teacher . I've written her a letter about the incident, and called and left her a message today on her school phone. My kid did not go to school . We have a woman coming here at our place for a app. through the regional center, they provide services for the dev. disabled. it is a annual review. We live out in a rual town , the lady has to drive 1 1/2 hrs to get to where live.
I have been cleaning , cause it is embarassing to have someone come over , and the place a mess. My Yorkie still is sick too, has had diarrehea, but getting a little better, it's been a real mess . Then the puppy steps in it, so I have to clean her up too. GROSS !
I hate it when someone comes over , it is too stressful. I like it to be ,stay the hell away, lock the doors, shut the blinds, were not home, ever. Woke up this am , and the front door was unlocked, a little opened too? Weird! I do not know what the hell!
UNless one of the dogs did it , we had a visitor last night? Or I am totally losing it! Freaking scary to find the front door like that. No doubt it was me though, I can't remember shit a lot of times. I do have a screen door though, but usually it is unlocked.
I am an idiot , cause I just do not know what I am doing, nor can I keep up with myself. How fu**** dreadful is that? I'd like to be somebody else , littleraly , something else.

[paula]

mscat

I am an idiot , cause I just do not know what I am doing, nor can I keep up with myself. How fu**** dreadful is that? I'd like to be somebody else , littleraly , something else.


You are not an idiot! Listen, if it makes you feel any better, I've left my car window wide open over night and it snowed in, all on the passenger seat, also, there has been many a times that I have left my back door unlocked over night.

You have got to stop kicking yourself for mistakes that anyone can make!

[JustTrying]

Morning all!

Goose, Chicken Jerky is like Beef jerky, only made with chicken. I was buying some from the store and I realized it would be cheaper to make my own. We use dehydrators to make that and to dry fruits and vegetables. Big Limas are big whit beans! They are great with some seasoned ham in them!

Welcome Paula, and Kamari.... and welcome back Mscat.

Slept most of the day yesterday and have been up all night. More Chicken jerky and I just about have the house clean. Went to sit on the carport for a while and decided I wold rather be in here piddling. It is really sort of a waste to clean the house because I will just have to do it all over again in a few days. I TRY to have the house clean when my husband comes here. Sometimes I am just too damn depressed, but I still like to try.

Going to TRY once again, if I don't end up plastered, to have a yard sale again. The dogs really need their shots and it is cheaper for me to buy a pack of 25 then to buy them individually. Need to clean the living room and bathe all the dogs tomorrow.

I told SG I was not going to drink this week. He is the big brother this week and is going to take care of me. We went and built him a wheelchair ramp this weekend so that he can finally get out of the house and G mowed his grass for him. SG got out and took his cats for a ride on his new power scooter! I bet that was a site! He called me about 2 am this morning, talking out of his head,,,, I don't think he realized his wife picked up the other line... I did though... bet she popped him one or two! He just gets on those pain pills which I know he needs and just talks out of his head sometimes... at least I hope that is all it was, I would hate to loose him or her either one as friends.

The puppies are up and playing.... the other dogs wish I would go to sleep!!! Heck, they can sleep tomorrow.

It is cool here this morning. I hope it warms up good, I have gotten addicted to lying out in the sun. It looks good on me though. I feel better when I take care of myself. My husband is suppose to be looking for me a bike, I think that would be good exercise if I ride it to town. My license are suspended as of this up coming Friday.

That's all in my world so far! Hope everyone has a great day!

JT

[paula]

Hi JT and all

Just read your post and don't you have a lot going on in your life at the mo? A bit like me.

Well I went to see my Neurosurgeon yesterday and he has referred me for a MRI Scan on my back as I am still having a lot of pain from the RTA that I was involved in last year. He informed me that if the MRI Scan picks up anything, and depending what it picks up, I may have to have Surgery on my back, which I hope not?

I also went to see my Psychiatrist yesterday and he has revued my medication. He has took me of the Dosulepin 150mg and swapped it for another Anti-Depressant. Can't remember the name as I have to wait for my own Doctor to pass it yet and won't be seeing him till Friday morning.

My Psychiatrist is a bit concerned though, because when he revued my medication last time, about 4wks ago, my own GP would not change my meds has he thought the side affects was to dangerous with all the other medication that I'm on? I asked my Psychiatrist "what is the point to having a Psychiatrist when, my own doctor is going to over rule him anyway?" He said that I need to ask my GP that question!

I have had to take my car for it's MOT today as it's due the car tax on Friday. I just hope it passes otherwise, I cannot get the car tax and my car will be off the road till I can afford to pay for what it needs doing, to make it road worthy.

Apart from the above, not much planned for today!

[tracey.f]

Hi guy's, how is everybody doing?

I have decided that i am in the twilight zone, though that could be i wish i was in the twilight zone. Its too close to call!

Anyway, i have been doing Sooo much recently, my idea is that i keep going until i fall flat on my face. Not always the greatest way to handle things but i have a plan. If i can keep going then i don't have to stop and think about things.
I had to get the rest of my kids school uniforms on monday (I do NOT like shopping!) which included school shoes, pens, pencils, rulers, school bags...ect ect ect. Now i've got to adjust the things :eek:
My wonderfull children did nothing but fight the whole time, my brain was mush by the time we got home.
I had to buy some things to take into hospital next week aswell, i can't believe i only have 7 day left to get everything done.

I took my kids to a zoo yesterday (and no they wouldn't keep them, i did ask though. Just in case :D) I didn't really feel up to it but i had promised so off we went at 8 in the morning and i think we finally got home at 8pm. I then went to the gym, trying to stay occupied and trying to do myself an injury in the process.

I see my Pdoc tomorrow and i really do not want to go, she will now know that a formal complaint has been made against the Associate Director and i am really concerned about how i am going to be treated. My husband and mum will be there but i'm scared all the same.

Hope everybody is doing ok,
Tracey

[mscat]

Hi Paula,
IMO, I believe your Psychatrist needs to be very aware of ALL the medications you are taking , and be monitering you closely! A Psychatrist is also trained as a MD , as well , and also knows about Psych meds , how they work in the body, as well , as they interact in certain chemicals and parts of the brain. This is why they are called Psychatrists, they have many more yrs training then a regular MD , and are responsible for regualtion of medications their patients are taking at all times. The Psychatrist you have ought to be having you do blood work , testing you periodicly , making certain your chemicals in your brain and body are in balance , in your blood , working the way they ought to. He should be looking at these tests and know what you are low on, then helping you regulate your chemicals in your brain, by giving the correct medications and dosages . + monitering the meds your on making certain their is no side effects, or interrference with any of the rest of your medications!
The Psychatrist is well trained to handle all of this, and cannot tell the MD it is his job to moniter the meds from the MD , because the Psych DR, is also a MD too! To me that was just an excuse to to provide follow up care and make certain that you are well taken care of, on both ends. It is really not the MD responsibilty to moniter your Psych meds, however the Psych . DR can do BOTH! :mad:
What is going on in my world? I had therapy this morning. My therapist talked to me for the first 1/2 hr about the CA budget cuts, and how it might effect the mental health services , where I go to therapy. Now the Pychatrist is cut down to only coming to our office 2 a month:( ANd the rest of the time in the larger office in Hanford 45 miles away! Starting in October. I hope i do not lose therapy here in this little town ! Mental health services have been cut so badly here in the state of CA. It is terrible.
On Monday I had to overdraw my banking account ! By a lot of $$ . Just to put food on the table. I had no other choice in the matter. I figured I might as well go out big, and spend , cause we really needed grocieries!! That is exactly what I did. I got to the point where I just did not care anymore. I HAD TO . I do not have to always do it, but had no choice in the manner. Hopefully it will all even out . We have no $$ until the 3rd, but at least a lot of food now! Shoot when it comes to have a kid, sacrfices have to be made!
My yorkie is finally not sick anymore. Thankfully. It was a nightmare, for days she was having runny stools, and then the pup would step in it. I had to clean , clean , clean, and the bathe the pups paws off all the time. It was exhausting.
I am struggling badly with urges to self injure , and find myself drifting onto sites of "how to" even though I really allready know how. It is just comforting to me to see those sites, but it is cause I know what that already does to the skin. The thoughts are luring me there, and always unforgiving.

[SweetSue]

HEY EVERYONE, WELCOME TO MY WORLD

YOU WILL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME IM IN ONE OF MY HYPER MOODS :)

AT THE MOMENT IM BACK IN HOSPITAL AGAIN ...... BUT HEY CRAP HAPPENS.

I HAVE SOOO MANY HIGHS AND LOWS , THAT EVEN I FIND IT HARD TO KEEP UP WITH MYSELF.

TOMORROW I GET TO SEE MY CHILDREN AGAIN AND I AM SO EXCITED, THAT I VERY MUCH DOUBT IF I WILL GET ANY SLEEP AT ALL TONIGHT.

MY BABIES ARE MY LIFE, MY WORLD AND I TREASURE EVERY MOMENT THAT I HAVE WITH THEM. SO I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE FOR ME TOMORROW, AT LEAST FOR AN HOUR OF IT , I WILL BE HAPPY AND COMPLETE, COZ WE CAN BE A FAMILY AGAIN. :)

TAJE CARE
Jj

[mscat]

I totally forgot about this thread . Glad it's still here! Because right now in California, it is 1:50am . I can't sleep. It had been a rough day > Thankfully this is over, however the troubles today has brought is not. I got a speeding ticket by a cop that was driving one of those copcars that u can't tell is a cop .
It pisses me off because I was not even speeding> I am for certain going to fight it in court, but not until Nov. Before all that , I was given a supeana at the end of the week, ordered to appear in court on the 1rst of Oct as a witness to a Domestic Violence case :( I did not even see anything .
The last few yrs, I had to deal with an idiot who tried to extort money from me, and threaten me .A bad man , I ended up as a witness in that mess of a case too.
What I absolutely hate about my fu**** life is that I can't step out of my apt, w/o something going down . Something unpleasant . I usually am at home all the time, because of this. + I do not like dealing with people. Not on the outside, real life dealing with people. I find it mostly unrewarding, and miserable.
I missed a therapy app. last week, and not been taking all the meds the Psychatrist has me on. Maybe that is why I feel like I am drowning.

[John Rutledge]

deleted.....

[JustTrying]

Evening Everyone! Been on a downward spiral but I am getting manic now. So that means sleepless long nights, unless I choose to get drunk. Self medicating.

Hubs and I are not speaking and as far as I am concerned he can go "poof!". Everyone thinks being married for 20 years is just great.... how about being misreable for 20 yrs? I am so sick of his controlling ways that I would rather go to jail for not paying my PO than to have to deal with his stupid self.

I dropped my therapist a email and am waiting for a response. I have no alcohol and do not plan to get any today. So don't be surprised if I am back on here at 1 am.

I lost a big stone out of a ring that my friends gave me last week. I have looked and looked for it. I hope it didn't end up in the trash can, when I took the trash out this morning.

The puppies are mad at me. I taped their little ears up and they just hate it. but if they leave the tape on them, then it will only be for a few days.

Hey!!!!:) I just got up from the computer and checked my sink drain! There was my stone!!!!Now I just need to learn how to fix it!!!!:):)

I am really not upset that my husband and I are not talking. To me it is freeing. I have no idea how I am going to pay the PO or my fine, or buy groceries if I don't make up with him, but the Lord will provide. I have been sick of him for a long time. I love him and care about him but I hate him too???? Does that make sense?

I have my friends for comfort and compainionship, he is never here and we never spend time together.

Sorry to be such a negative nellie. I am bouncing all over the place, one minute cleaning, the next on the phone or CB and the next on the computer, perhaps I will at least get one thing completed today.

Later, JT

[mscat]

Don't "drown" - nasty way of going ! Like other recent contributors in this thread, you seem like a pretty real individual to me. Soldier on - and never despair - don't let the unworthy persons get you down. That, I suppose, is what we all have to do.

Hope the yorkie is ok. I have to bring one of our cats to the vet tonight - unless she shows some sign of her current attack of megacolon condition abating. Megacolon ? Don't ask - except to say that the downside of a cancelled vet appointment would be a major carpet cleaning session.

Don't worry about the subpoenas, and all that - just go through it, give your evidence (if it proves necessary - it may not) and reflect that this is just one of the prices we pay for living in a civilised society. My Gods - I'm beginning to sound like David O ...

Very best regards,

JR,
NOOOOoo , not David O :eek: far from it ! You did give me a good laugh , thanks for upping my spirits. I have a wicked sense of humor>
Things are better today, just hanging in there in the saftey of my home. Can't get into much troube here!
Hope your cat feels better. That does not sound pleasant ! My yorkie is just fine, it was our Shih Tzu puppy I was suppose to bring in today .She's 4 months, and finishing up vaccinations. I chose to not go this morning. ANd rescheduled for Thurs afternoon instead, I could not sleep last night. Puppy discovered her barking voice, and carried on forever . She was loud and obnoxious all night , for no reason, unless she was barking at ghosts. No idea what set her off , she would have a meanicing growl, then let loose into barking fits. All while I tried sleeping , she was on my bed . Perhaps it was the ghost of my father in my rm last night. Whatever, or whoever was here , with me , certainly was unsettling to the puppy. She has never behaved in this matter.
Just rambling now. My son is at school for mot of the day, he rides a bus early in the morning , and comes home after 4:30 pm. In a special day class out of town, so I have the whole place to myself . I really ought to do more with myself , when he's gone .however , I seem to get into too much trouble .

[SweetSue]

HI EVERYONE
YESTERDAY,
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT IT :confused:

I EVENTUALY GOT TO SEE MY CHILDREN AFTER YET ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT, THANKS MAINLY COZ OF THE HYPER I WAS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE.

THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER WAS LOVELY, AMAZEING AND BRILLIANT.
OBVIOUSLY I WAS STILL IN MY HYPER, WHICH THE LITTLE DARLINGS TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF. THEY DIDNT NEED MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT FROM ME !!.

IT WAS SO GOOD TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN , FELT SO RIGHT HAVING THE FOUR LITTLE ONES CALLING MOMA, WITH ALL THE ENTHUSIASMN (SORRY CANT SPELL TOO GOOD) UNDER THE SUN , DESPERATE TO SHOW ME THERE LATEST TRICKS THEY HAD LEARNT.

HAVING THEM USE ME AS THERE VERY OWN PERSONAL CLIMBING FRAME, TRAMPOLINE AND HORSEY (SORRY IM STILL A BIG KID TOO).

BUT THE BEST PART , THE VERY BEST PART WAS WHEN THEY FIRST SAW ME AND DID THAT LITTLE RUN UP AND JUMP THING INTO MY ARMS FOR A CUDDLE , I SWEAR I NEVER WANTED TO LET THEM GO. EVEN THOUGH I WAS TOTALY UNBALANCED AND WOBBLING UNDER THE SHEER WEIGHT AND AWKWARDNESS OF HOLDING SO MANY BUBBAS AT ONCE. TOTAL JOY.

THE TIME WE HAD TOGETHER WAS OVER BEFORE IT HAD CHANCE TO REALY BEGIN. IT WAS TIME FOR US ALL TO SAY GOODBYE AND GO OUR SEPERATE WAYS.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT ENDED MY HYPER . HAVING TO FIGHT BACK THE TEARS AND WALK AWAY FROM MY KIDS CRYING AND BEGGING ME TO TAKE THEM WITH ME. ITS SO DIFFICULT TO FIGHT ALL MY INSTINCTS AS A MOMA , AND HAVE TO WALK AWAY WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TAKE THEM WITH ME, KEEP US TOGETHER ALWAYS.

NOW, WELL NOW IM DEAD , DEAD FROM ALL THE FEELING , PASSED THE CRYING STAGE AND NOW IM NUMB. DEAD AND NUMB.

YOU SEE BEING A MOMA TO MY CHILDREN IS MY LIFE , THE REASON FOR CARRYING ON EACH DAY , NO MATTER WHAT THIS POOR EXCUSE OF A LIFE THROWS AT US , THEY ARE MY WORLD, MY INSPIRATION, MY EVERY BREATH.

WITHOUT THEM IM NO LONGER THERE MOMA , AND THAT HURTS , MUCH MORE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH OR EXPERIENCED.

SO YES IM V.LOW AT THE MOMENT , BUT TOMORROWS ANOTHER DAY, AND I WILL PICK MYSELF UP OFF THIS FLOOR, DUST MYSELF DOWN AND DEAL WITH IT. COZ THATS WHAT MOMAS DO , MY CHILDREN NEED ME , AND I NEED THEM. AND I AM DAMN SURE I WILLL FIGHT TILL I GET WHAT MY KIDS DESERVE AND THATS ........ THEIR FAIRY TALE ENDING

TAKE CARE EVERYONE
Jj

[mscat]

Jj, you are a strong woman , and I know you will do anything you can and do what it takes so you will be together with your children. They need you, your their ONLY mother, and they love you. Hope today brings you comfort, and goes well for you. Hang in there.
I went to my therapy appointment this morning .Last week I missed it. I am glad I went. He is a good therapist who I have seen for years. It helps talking to him especially when things in my life are coming down on me all at once. It helps me just by talking about it, and to think a little more clearly.
I have been having urges to self harm again. They come on strongly at times. I know it is because of the stress I am under, financially, emotionally and the helpless feeling of not being able to control what happens in my life.
even though I stay at home inside my place because the outside world is too overwhelming to bear, I still end up in a heap of trouble. This is why it is difficult not to revert back to self harm. Self harm is a easy way for me to feel better, at least temporarily. I can take the physical pain so much easier then the emotional pain, and loss of control over daily events, and chalenges.
My son is at home today, he did not attend school. We slept in, and he is ill from severe allergies. I won;t self injure when my child is at home. That is a NO NO. So I am left with just writing in here. It helps me too, to write , and get stuff out that normaly would be internalized.
I have NOT be very nice to a couple people in here> I am not naming names , but do feel badly that I expresed my displeasure, and anger on a particular subject. The evil part of me showed, that I don't like. Now I feel guilty for bing disecpectful, even though I ment it. It is hard to express angry feelings for me, because then I feel badly . I am so sorry , to a couple of people for being mad, David O , Allen . Just hope that I am not banned !

[SweetSue]

:confused:

HI THERE EVERYONE
HOPE YOUR ALL OK, WELL AS OK AS YOU CAN BE.

THANKS FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND YOUR KIND WORDS CATHY THEY MEAN A LOT.:)

I have had a mixture of a day , actualy a hell of a day, but im trying to keep going, at the moment im working on a wierd theory, that if you smile for long enough, eventualy you will see what there is to smile about. Kinda struggling with that one at mo.
Still had no sleep, its driving me insane:eek:
I feel like a comatozed zombie, dont know if that makes sense to anyone , but hey i know what i mean, kinda !!!
Been moved to a different ward now, which has freaked me out, quite a lot. I was quite settled in my old room. Convinced myself there just being mean for the sake of it. Ok so me being me might also have a little something to do with there decision, but still think there mean.:(

HOPE EVERYONE HAD A BETTER DAY THAN MINE, IF NOT JOIN THE CLUB

TAKE CARE
Jj

[mscat]

Jj, I hope things become easier for you. No idea why you were moved to a different ward. IMO, your a very, nice person . Gosh I really want things better for you. Some positives , and nice things just for you. If I could I'd be sending you chocolate, and roses . Just because I want you to be happy and feel cared about .

Today, in my world, it is a sad day. Don't know why I feel emotional. Worried about my child's health. Worried that finances are low, worried about the speeding ticket, the supeanea , my sons in depth evaluation from Dr's at the regional center>
Concerned that I won't keep it together and SI really badly > Even though it has not been an issue for a while, the build up is there within. Today is just sadness. Took my meds too, and still sad . It might just be a crappy ass day , tomorrow hopefully the worries will be less intense.

[SweetSue]

HI EVERYBODY:)

WELL WHAT DO I SAY ABOUT YESTERDAY,
NOTHING POSSITIVE THERE SO, IM JUST GONNA ERASE IT FROM ALL EXISTANCE.

COZ TODAY , WELL TODAY I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I NEED TO BE HAPPY TODAY, HAD TOO MANY SAD DAYS, IM SURE IF I JUST LOOK HARD ENOUGH, I WILL FIND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR. AND IF NOT IM JUST GONNA HAVE TO KEEP SEARCHING TILL I HAPPILY GET WHERE I NEED TO BE. (sorry if that dosnt make sense to you) :o

Cathy i do hope you find the strength , courage and determination to win your battle, and that your son is ok soon. My heart and thoughts are with both of you, and wish that things work out soon for you both.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE
Jj

[SweetSue]

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE , OR I SUPPOSE IT COULD STILL BE MORNING WHERE YOU ARE, SO I GUESS GOOD MORNING ASWELL.

HI THERE.

IM NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN REALY, IN MANY WAYS THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS HAVE BEEN HORRENDOUS, AND WELL QUITE HONESTLY MY MORNING HAS BEEN NO DIFFERENT. SO HOWS THAT SAYING GO "IGNORANCE IS BLISS" , THINK THATS WHAT I WILL BE WORKING ON TODAY. KINDA EASIER FOR ME THAT WAY, COZ THE WAY IM FEELING RIGHT NOW, THATS JUST GONNA HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. SO I AM JUST GOING TO TRY AND FORGET ABOUT IT ALL.

ON THE PLUS SIDE THOUGH, I AM A BIT HAPPIER IN MY NEW SURROUNDINGS, AND AT LEAST THE STAFF HERE REALISE HOW I AM AT THE MOMENT AND ARE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SPACE THAT I NEED. WELL AS MUCH SPACE AS ANY ONE CAN BE GIVEN WHILST ON OBBS.

IM JUST TRYING TO KEEP FOCUSED ON MY DREAM,(MY FAIRY TALE) WORKING HARD ON MY THERAPIES, AND TRYING TO DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO GET MYSELF WELL ENOUGH , SO THAT I CAN GET OUT OF HERE. I GUESS IF I CAN DO ALL THAT, AND OCCASIONALY HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE. THEN WELL MAYBE , JUST MAYBE, THINGS WONT BE SO BAD AFTER ALL.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE
Jj
:):o:cool::D

[mscat]

Jj,
Always try and keep the focus alive , and your goals ready to achieve. Soon you will be out of the Hospital, and be moving on to better days :) glad that it is a little better for you in the new place, and their is respect for you and your feelings.
Today, I slept in> I could not seleep well last night again, but thats ok. Being up until all hrs , gives me an excuse not to wake up , to start anther day .
I played bartender for my neighbors last night. Their the kind of people who only talk to me if they want something. She wanted a drink, guess who provided the hard liquor and mixed them? You got it, at least I did get a some help carrying the groceries upstairs .They are nice , only when they want something. Always strings attatched with people, isn't it? That's fine, I hope I really got them hammered ! I did not drink hardly nothing, it has been making my ulers act up badly!
It is already nearly 2pm here in hot & humid CA. Nearly 100' again, but feels hotter today. I am tired of this heat! Can't wait until cooler weather. I've noticed that a trend starts in , cooler weather , long sleeves , hides SI nicely!
We ought to have cold weather , and lots of fog here this year. :cool: Not much happening Saturday . Taking it easy, drinking my expresso , Trying not to go outdoors .
Mscat

[SweetSue]

HEY THERE EVERYONE

WHATS GOING IN MY WORLD TODAY, JEEZ WHAT ISNT
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT, I DONT CARE ABOUT WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE.
INSTEAD I WANT AND FEEL A NEED TO TELL EVERY EACH ONE OF YOU SOME OF THE THINGS I HAVE LEARNT RECENTLY.

OK BEAR WITH ME COZ THIS MAY COME OUT A BIT WRONG, ITS ALWAYS THE SAME WITH ME, WHEN ITS SOMETHING THAT HOLDS EMOTION I GET THINGS MIXED UP A BIT, BUT HOPEFULY IF I GET THINGS A LITTLE MUDDLED YOU GUYS WILL BE ABLE TO GET THE GIST OF WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY.

RECENTLY I LEARNT, SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT, A TRUE MEANING OF FAMILY, NOT THE FAMILY THAT WE ARE BORN TO, A DIFFERENT FAMILY, ONE WE MAY NOT NECESSARILY OF CHOSEN, BUT FOR SOME REASON WE ALL MET AND THEN JUST KINDA BECAME FAMILY.

TODAY I HAVE ALSO BEGUN THE LEARNING PROCESS OF BEING ABLE TO TRUST. THIS MAY NOT SEEM A VERY BIG THING TO SOME PEOPLE, BUT TO ME IT A MILE STONE IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PLEASANTLY SUPPRIZED AT HOW EVERYONE HERE IN THIS COMMUNITY CAN REALY PULL TOGETHER, WHEN TIMES CALL FOR IT.
IN MANY WAYS OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS, I HAVE SEEN EVIDENCE OF HOW EVERYONE HERE REALY CARES ABOUT EACH OTHER, NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BUT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

IT MAKES ME SO VERY PROUD TO BE PART OF THIS COMMUNITY. ITS THE LITTLE THINGS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU DO THAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL MAKES ME PROUD TO CALL YOU MY FRIENDS, TO CALL YOU

FAMILY

I GUESS TODAY IM IN A SENTIMENTAL MOOD BUT HEY HUM
TAKE CARE ALL OF YOU
SUE
;):p:):D

[finding my way]

You are sooooo welcome here in our family Jj:). Thanks for being the amazing support to people that you are!!!! Better days are coming. Heck, even today is a little more bearable when you have friends;) We come here because we need to connect with others that have experienced our level of pain. If we can help someone else in that pain, we can feel helped too sometimes. It gives us strength.... Cheers today, Jj!!

[SweetSue]

THANKS FINDING
Jj
:):D:rolleyes::p

[mscat]

omg, last night we actually got a little rain! a very big deal where I live. It has been so hot , and unbearable here in CA. The summer has dragged on forever this year. In the upper 90's and 100' degrees over. Yuck! Can't wait until the fall weather !
I have not been sleeping well . My son missed school again today .I should of just stayed up those few hours to make sure he got on the bus! He leaves at 6:15am everyday and not home until 4:30pm. My son has been ill , so I kept him home a couple days last week. He had medical tests run on him, we had a big scare on Wed. with his health.
He is developmentally delayed too. And in SDC class out of town. He is already 16, and a sophmore. My boy he is getting to be nearly a young man. I can't beleive i've raised this precious child on my own since the day he was born. Where has the time gone?
Time, something nobody has control over. It slips away before we know it, even when time seems to stand still is is forever moving, and passing by quickly.
Can time really heal broken dreams, hearts, emptiness, sadness, and change us into better , stronger, healthier people?
I ask this more to myself. Because , I am Still struggling with same mental health problems , even worse have more of them now. Times really heals? The person heals? HOW? how do I escape myself? or at least be able to accept all these things that makes me? "shaking head" no. Time ages us. ADults , brings on more wrinkles, gray hair, and as we watch our loved ones , our precious children growing up , for me, i still feel stuck in the same old rut .

[JustTrying]

Good afternoon ya'll......

I thought I had problems until I came here and read all the posts! :D

It pains me but also makes me feel good that I can come to this site and see that I am not the only one suffering,..... Makes me feel not so alone. I am not the only person in this world that feels depressed or feels like doing things that I should not do or struggles with one addiction or another.

I am sorta on a self imposed lock down this week. I am trying my best not to drink and to take my medication. This means that there are just some people I cannot talk to, because they are major enablers. I am without transportation, which is ok because I have no license. My husband and I had a big fight about that last week and I swear ( this sounds bad) but if I did not need him to pay the bills I would have told him to leave and stay gone.

He uses money to control me.... every time I wanted to get a job, he talked me out of it. Now I can't work. I am signing back up for disability and I will get a lawyer this time. It will be a step towards Independence for me. I love him, I just want him to quit controlling me and treating me as a child,..... DO NOT EVER... marry someone much older.... the dynamics never change. They think you are always a child even when you are pretty much middle aged!:)


It is getting near the "witching" hour.... normally I start drinking around this time and it is taking all my strength to not make that phone call and have some delivered.

My therapist agreed with me about my husband. We do love each other but he tends to trigger my Bipolar. I don't think subconsciously that he wants me to get better. And the way I deal with stress is to get drunk so that I don't care.

My therapist wants me to go to inpatient rehab.... I am thinking about it... Only thing is I can't pay for it and If I go the indigent route it will be a 3 month waiting period. Who knows what will happen in 3 months. To pay for it will run $945.00... I told my husband and he didn't say anything. I know he can get the money from his boss , but I bet he doesn't try. It is 45- 60 days....

The idea of being out of my home and away from my dogs for that long scares me... After all the world can't revolve without me:D!

Well... just keep me in your thoughts...

JT

[mscat]

Hey Jt, the rehab your therapist wants you to go to is it for the drinking? Won't any medical insurance cover this amount ? Out of pocket expenses are a killer.
I agree with you , to go back on disability income . Is this SSI or SSDI? Shoot , in the U.S , right? If you can support yourself on that amount of income, go for it, especially if your husban is enabling you to stay addicted and depressed :( however, this is only a decision that you can make . I suck at relationships, and never been married. SO I'll shutup now about advice giving.
Your dogs, I can understand that! My dogs are my girls, a part of the family, and YES it is difficult to not have them with you. They are great theaputic resourses ! I know how u feel .
My brother has a drinking problem, he is the happiest and nicest person when he has a beer and thensome! He also is a diabetic type2, which is dangerous for him to have the drinking issue.
He does not get the Si I engage in at times, however, his drinking habits are as bad as my SI , at times. Makes me pissed off that he can't realise that he is hurting himself just as much as I do with Self inflicted injury >
Anyhow, I hope things get better for u !

Whats going on in my world today? I don't feel well. Have a cold, and my head is a fuzzy today. I ran out of my meds, and have to pick up new refills. My Pdoc placed me on more meds, and increased one of them. Finally, I have help, my brother is picking the meds up at the pharmacy, I took 4 anxiety pills , last night, cause of the meds I normally take with that, were gone, 4 pills is twice as many as I should of , probably why my head is cloudy today. I just could not sleep , and needed to relax enough to do that. SO after 3am I did take em . Well, my son missed school cause of that, could not wake up , but he is in a SDC class out of town, not too much of a huge problem if he missess school. It is just anther thing to feel guilty over!
trying to have a low key day. Hoping my meds will be ready and I'll be on them again tonight.
Having money problems too, which is a huge downer, but holding my head above water barely!
mscat

[SweetSue]

HI EVERYONE,

WELL WHAT A WEEK !!! MY WEEK HAS BEEN ....... VERY COLOURFUL,
FILLED WITH PLENTY OF ERM ......... COLOUR.
DEEP INDIGO, CHARCOAL GREY, CINNOMEN, POPPY RED AND BLACK, DARKEST BLACK.
THINGS ARE ALL A BIT HARSH, I AM TRYING, STRUGLING TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD, BUT I AM GETTING THERE, SLOWLY, EVEN IF I DO TAKE A FEW WRONG TURNS HERE AND THERE, AND SOMETIMES I SCREECH TO A HALT. BUT IM STILL SLOWLY MOVING, NOT TOO SURE IF ITS ALWAYS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, BUT MOVING, SO I GUESSS THATS .... PROGRESS.
JUST GOT TO REALISE A WAY TO KEEP A SMILE ON MY FACE FOR MORE THAN A SECOND, THEN MAYBE THINGS WONT SEEM SO BAD.

HOPE YOU ALL OK
TAKE CARE
Jj
:);):p:o

[SweetSue]

Hi there Everyone,

This morning I had a letter, ok it dosnt sound like much, but it was my first letter in weeks !!!

Today I recieved a letter from my children, and although I now have tears streaming, like Niagra Falls, I'm kinda H A P P Y !!!

My five year old daughter, wrote me as only five year olds can, Hi Ya moma, Hope your head gets better soon. Then drew this picture underneath of me (I think !!!). stood next to a house, and tree, the biggest sun ever, a lovely blue sky, with this bird.... kinda flying (it has no wings, go figure). Standing next to me are four blobs with heads, i guess thats my kids.

My little girl has become quite a little artist, and I am ever so proud of her.
I'm very proud of all my babies. They are my inspiration.

Anyway, thats my news for today, I just had to tell you all coz well, to me it is one of the most wonderful, things that has happened to me this past few months.

Take care, ok
Jj

[mscat]

Sue,
that is so adorable :) Your daughter sounds precious . She loves you so much , and to draw you a picture just for you. That came from the heart, I would cherish this picture .
My son , when very young, also drew . He drew pictures with so much color and expression. I still have them. He became really good at art . It is so much fun to watch what intrests are little ones have, and then to see how the art becomes more and more expressive. How lucky you are .

Thank you Sue for the Awesom PM !!! :D You remembered, LOL. Gosh I rather forget about my Birthday, heck After 40 why even bother counting anther yr . ? I feel as old as dirt. 41 today, and for a whole yr. Golly gee , I am aging, fast, and then their is my son, nearly a man. WOW , that blows me away completely.
I bought a beautiful new TV . A 60' dlp , I am waiting patiently for it to be delivered . this is my BD present .
Soooooo, I am excited to have a new TV. what else is going on in my world? I have to pay my bills, then see where I am financially, + I am thinking of going out of town , to a huge blowout sale . Thinking about it! My son needs more school clothes , and I love to shopsales.
Hopefuly my bro can come with us.
Thanks again for the the sweet happy birthday message. I smiled because of your thoughtfullness, BTW your the first one to wish me Happy birthday today. thank u :D

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy,


Happy 41st Birthday


Did not remember how old you were going to be......ooops
Guess im old too, coz well lets face it im only a few years younger than you !!!

I hope that you have a wonderful afternoon and evening .
sending you a birthday wish, and hope that it is a good one, filled with plenty of smiles

Take care
Your friend
sue

[mscat]

Oh know... you even know how oLLLLLDDDD I am :o
:p thanks you Sue !
Going out today, and shopppping. Mainly for my son's needs. He needs some new school clothes. Lucky kid, u know the kids always come first .
LOL . I did get the TV delivered, it is huge, and very nice. So worth it. :D

[JustTrying]

Bless the little children!!! I just love kids if they are not Brats!!! :)

Let's see, what have I been up to? Mostly cleaning up after these dogs, cause it has been raining and the poor little things think they will melt if they go outside!!!

My therapist and I decided to put rehab on hold for now. I convinced her that I was doing well... It was so easy to fool her. I thought she would be better at that than this..... I told her I only drank a few. and she bought it. She obviously doesn't know Addicts very well. That is what we do is lie... I have to convince her that I am doing well so that I can get my license back in 1 year instead of 2. I wasn't going to lie to her but she kept pushing Rehab and I just do not want to go.... I listened to some of them the other day when I went to therapy and they were talking about getting in touch with their feelings and all that babble.... that is just not me.

Here is a poem I ran across the other day......

What Addicts Do

I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth, because it is impossible for someone in active addiction to love. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't I can't love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make the decesion to stop using/ drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop beig surprised.

I am an addict and that's what addicts do.

Anonymous

That poem so much expressses where I am right now. I have done things I would never do just to get some beer. I have hurt myself over and over again. And most people are just a tool to get what I want or need. They think I love them or care about them.... but it is to get my next drink, or something to eat.... or something else I want or need in order to keep my life the way it is.

I am a great manipulator..... and I hate being this way. I wish I could have feelings of love or klindness.... but like in the poem, I do not love myself, so how can I love and respect any one else?

I am a beautiful, well educated , young lady.... but when I get on the booze... I turn into this wild eyed monster. I use my looks and intelligence to get what I want.In the past when things got too rough... I would cut or take an overdose in order to manipulate things back around my way. I use my illness to manipulate.

I have tried all the "programs" and they do not work for me. Perhaps because I cannot or will not be honest with myself. I feel sorta bad about fooling the therapist, but I had to to fulfill my needs.

I suppose life will take it course and I will end up where I end up.

JT

[SweetSue]

hey there,

Whats going on in my world, not a great deal really. just the same old, same old.

Start of yet another week, mmm, not overly pleased about that, been sulking for a few days now, must admit at times I enjoyed it (the sulk that is). Monday today though, time for me to try and stop wollowing in self pity. Ok. so Im probably still gonna be in a sulk, but I have to try and get back on track, back into some kind of routine again, I have been so lazy, I have done next to nothing this weekend,, and spent it in bed.

So my brilliant plan of action this week, to get me back on my road to recovery, is to , well get out of bed !!!

Any how, hope you guys are all as ok, as poss
take care
Jj

[JustTrying]

Hello!

Hubs has been home for a few days... almost 2 weeks on and off. The thought of beer crossed my mind and my tastebuds often, but I do not drink around him.

Suppose to goto therapy today but I don't have a ride. Got All the required "classes" done for the DUI so Hubs is trying to get back to his life.

He bought me a Harley Sportster (883)yesterday. It is black with Green pearls in the paint and has skulls on it!!! Just 10 more months until I can ride it!!! But he got it for 1/2 ofwhat it is worth.... he bought me a Beul last week, but it was a yuppie bike and I didn't like it... he sold it for a profit.

Waiting for the man to call about getting sattelite internet.... that will be so nice if it works way out here in the woods!!!!

I am just not going to worryabout the drinking anymore.... I am sooooo tired of all that junk. I amjust going to l,ive my life.... Actaully thinking about not drinking, makes me want to drink.

I am sooo much like a child in that manner.... always want to do what I am not supposse to do.

I feel I just need to learn to accept me as I am and to go from there.

The weather has turned nippy and I have most of the dogs out. They have 3 heat lamps on the porch and plenty of blankets if they get cold ( closed in porch.)

Life is good!!!!!

JT

[JustTrying]

Ok PEEPS! Nothing going on in your worlds?????

I am the PROUD owner now of not 1 but 2 Harley 883 Sportsters... Don't know how to put up pics or I would!!! Called this morning about the Insurance... Only $200.00 a year for both bikes....

Emailed my Therapist this morning and told her the news about not being able to come to sessions... am waiting on her reply... I guess I will have to call a friend because I need those sesions... we are just imbarking on things... like writing my life story, which I will mail to her... but I left some stuff out becaue it could incriminate others and I didn't want it in writing.... I think the plan is for her to read it, us discuss it and then to burn it to release me in a sense from the past. Like I did with that letter to my EX... I wrote him a nasty letter and then reread it and burned it... It would have done no good to send it to him.


OHHHHH me thinks me found the picture button!!!

Ain't they pretty!!!!

Other than that I guess things are just going.... I won't be able to start my business the way I wanted... but I can still start it .. will take allot more time, but hey I have plenty of time If I am not drinking.

I am having an issue ..... People following me around on the computer... not that I really mind, but then they want to talk about me. Talk to me not about me.... I will not let it change the way I post though... I need this site and others ... sometimes the computer is the only contact Ihave with people and I am NOT going to give that up... If people don't like or trust me wellllllll so be it!!!!!:)

Paula....haven't heard from you in a while.... How are things going????

Hugs to all, JT

[SweetSue]

Hey JT,

cool bikes !!!!:cool:

You Know I think people here do like and trust you..:)


Well tons going on in my world (for once)

I dischaarged myself from prison (hospital) on saturday.
And they let me (Im still in shock !!!)....:eek:

So now Im at HOME (yay), although I must admit, its kinda difficult. Not used to it anymore, I guess 3 months is a long time, and with no kiddy winks here, the house is more like just a building. Adjustment time for me again, I guess.

Still battleing away, to get custody of my babies back, THIS WILL HAPPEN, coz well, Im never giving up on them...:)

My week is kinda hectic to say the least, find out tomorrow, when or if my visitations to the children can start, meet with my old solicitor in the afternoon (yep, she kinda dont know Im getting shot of her yet....ooops). Really looking forward to saying goodbye to her, meet up with my new solicitor in the morning (yay)

Oh and im moving soon (dont ask) so I have to pack, (here I go again)

So much to do, so little time............

Oh and in amongst doing all that I have to do, what with hospital appointments, therapies and physio and the occasional court appearance. Im doing as the p/doc told me

"Im taking it easy, resting plenty, and concentrating on getting better"

(kiinda)

Take care all
Jj

[mscat]

Sue ,
You doing wonderful, keeping busy, fighting so hard, and making it through, I see that your spirtits are way up now that your ou tof the Hospital too. No more sad Sue . you got so much to look forward to and your goals to achieve , which you WILL accomplish !! :D
What's going on in mscat's world ? humm? WEll I am fight a cold or something to that nature. the weather keeps changing , to very nice and warm, to now cold and windy, now I can't stop sneezing , and the last couple days I just wanted to rest. Thought it was a little depression kicking in , but now, I know it was more than that.
My son has been a handful As well. At least today he is off to school. Thank god :D He is gone all day to schol sometimes that is a good thing. Being in an SDC class out of town , their is no alternative.
My young dog , I needed to try a brush last night, being a Shih Tzu she requires a lot of grooming, barely 6 months old , I did accidently hurt her, and she had to have surgery /stitches to repair a small laceration , when I tried to remove a matt last month close to her leg.
Well she did not take too kindlly to being brushed , and bit the hell out of me . Several times. Well I can take it, stupid me, I have the patience though , I figured I was not going to let her win either, I tried sweet talking to her , barely even touching the brush on her , she attacked.
DEVIL little dog. OMG , she jacked me up something terrible. even when I was not brushing her, she jumped up and bit the hell out of me. Not this a a sweet little dog. BUt bring out the brush she changes into cujo. I got bit a lot on the thrird degree burn scar areas I did not feel that area , still now I have all these cut marks everwhere, than she got me on my other arm. that one hurt the worst .
Next time she is going to the GROOMERs. LOL . and I do have a groomer that I trust. naughty little shih tzu :eek:

[Jetliner]

Well, figured I'd venture out into the other boards so here goes! :p

My world - hmmm.... Well, my daughter just turned 2 years old last week. Yeeha! Oh, fun! The, "terrible twos" are in full swing! (Hehehe!!!) Her knew favorite expression is, "What's that?" She's really a sweetheart and so darned smart! The other day her favorite toy, a stuffed duck called Max got lost in the leaves in my father-in-law's pickup. So her and I climbed into the flatbed and dove through them until we found him (the duck! Ha!). What a great time, just goofing in the leaves together. Why is it kids can have fun in anything and we adults have such a hard time finding it?

Only other big thing of note is my guitar project. Not long after, "the incident" on September 5th, I needed to focus my attention onto something to keep from feeling 100% depressed all the time so, I decided to build a guitar from scratch - meaning, from a chunk of wood. Well, it works and now, I'm in the process of putting the final touches on the finish. Gloss coats begin today and will go 3 coats/day for about a week; 1 week to cure and then a final polish and it'll be good to go! :D Then, I can finally finish the other project (hopefully). I've written some music to make into a CD to raise money for a cause which is very close to my heart - Huntington's Disease. If all goes well and if I can finally finish something (:p) it'll be done before the end of the year.

Guess that's it from my world - for the moment anyway. :)

[GingerSnap]

I am still convinced my husband is down deep hopelessly "evil". My older son, who works planning war strategy in Afghanistan is feeling hopeless because of what the UN is doing and is very distraught that the US will pull out and leave these people, ones he has come to know well, to be devoured by the Taliban and he has sent me documents and information which now, I am trying to figure out who I can direct them to and ask them to please help. My younger son has entered his "winter phase" which means he is grumpy because 99.9% of the days here are endless gloom as far as weather goes. I'm working on Christmas gifts, crocheting mostly and going to try to make a really neat cloth doll. I'm going to make some homemade bread and get it in the freezer to go with winter soups and stews. I spend a fair amount of time cooking/baking. I'm looking for another dog, have one - a lazy, sleepy one but would like one that would be more interactive and maybe keep her away too. I going to be doing a lot of research for relocation in the spring. I am just so darn glad that I don't have to mow the grass anymore (twice a week for like 4 months and big yard) that despite those with the issues around me, I am just who I have always been and I am not going down into the dark hole with them - might throw them a rope but if they choose not to grab on....I'm not going down there with them. Christmas is around the corner and the trick or treaters out tomorrow night!:)

[IrmaJean]

I am fairly convinced that my seven year old has H1N1. :( She had one vaccination and was supposed to have her other one today. I'm guessing we're too late... I plan on getting all of my errands for the week done today when my husband gets home from work, just in case I'm next with this flu. Anyone else here had it?

[Jetliner]

Don't wanna, "jinx" myself here but, no sign yet. I've heard though that, so far there haven't been any instances of the, "normal" flu - only this one. Curious.

[Donna]

I hope your daughter is ok and well again quickly,

me, my son and my sister caught it , it wasnt very pleasant but i had a milder strain then them and didnt bother to check with the swine flu people until it was too late to get the tamiflu, so it dragged on for quite a few weeks...it knocks you back a bit! even now 2 mths later the chesty cough hasnt fully gone although im a smoker which probably has something to do with that lol

whats going on in my life? HAH!

Yet another great day, not!!! a woman has assaulted my mum at work :mad: before storming out, my mum is very soft and avoids confrontations she wont even report her to the police she's so soft, she is really shook up, physically she's ok but its made her very nervous
so right now i want to kick the fck out of her im absolutely raging!! in fact im shaking,swearing (always a bad sign!) and ranting away..ive already beat hell out of the walls lol and im frustrated and want to do somthing but my mum doesnt want me to wont tell me nothing about her,her name, where she lives nothing other than she's my age...so im trying to hold myself back from turning up at mums work and respect what she wants...very very difficult :mad:

[IrmaJean]

My daughter and I went to see the new Twilight movie in a theatre full of young girls. No surprise there. She always gets a kick out of me jumping out of my seat during the scary parts. It was a fun afternoon. Nice mother-daughter time. She is very shy, much like I was at the same age. She is also an amazing artist. Not sure where that talent comes from, but it's pretty cool.

The weather here has been pretty amazing, almost spring-like. Can't last much longer...

[JustTrying]

Morning..... JT is crawling out of the rafters!

Made it through the holiday Sober... it was just me and my husband. Gave the "twins" ( the Puppies) their first tast of turkey.

IRMA... I can relate sorta ... not the anniversary of their deaths, but I lost both my birth mother and my adopted mother last year. As I cooked I thought about all the holidays we use to have together growing up. There are so many times I want to call Momma! But Momma is not there anymore... Only my Birth father is still alive and we communicate through mail.... at least we communicate now.... for years he was too busy.

Have been in contact with 3 of my sisters this holiday... so that was good.

Other than that not much happening here.... I got my website up and running... Don't have any sales yet... but hey it kept me busy for a while and gives me something to do.... Cost about $200.00 to get it all set up and only $4.95 a month.... so we can call it entertainment.

Missed another therapy session and am about out of meds... I have got to do something.... hubs won't be able to take me until the 2nd Monday of Dec. Was suppose to have blood tests done for the Litium..... but I don't have the money or a ride... I think the dose is fine. The manic me does not come out too much, I actually feel pretty balanced.... almost "normal".

Well you all have a great day!

JT

[IrmaJean]

A snow day for my kids today and my car is still in the shop. I thought I'd show off some of my daughter's drawings. The first two were done with a mouse and the paint application on the computer. The last two were hand drawn with a charcoal pencil. I managed to stop myself at four, lol.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/Bether6074/WarriorsHalloween.png

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/Bether6074/AshfurSceneRedraw.png

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/Bether6074/Emilydrawings003.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/Bether6074/004.jpg

[malign]

Is it scary that I recognize Full Metal Alchemist?
It is to me. :-)

How old is she, Beth?

[SweetSue]

Well in my world today, Ive had the bestest day like ~ ever ...... Ok maybe a slight (big) exaggeration, but it has been good (for me) and Im kinda happy.
I had 5 whole hours of sleep last night, totally undisturbed, and like no dreams or anything, and well that was enough to kick start my day. :)

I managed to stay out of bed and sit by the window for a couple of hours today. Finished writing my babies nativity book, still got a bit of painting left to do, but Im kinda proud of myself for concentrating as long as I did. :o

Im not hyper or lowper for once, and havnt needed any extra meds, so Im really in a natural good mood, and that hasnt happened in such a long while.:eek:

Ive found a bit of peace today ~ and Im so grateful ~ tired but seriously grateful :)

[IrmaJean]

Yep. Full Metal Alchemist. My daughter is 13.

Glad you're feeling good today, JJ. :)

[dazed&confuzed]

Hi all..well, I just got back from 50 minutes of therapy in which we discussed my erotic transference the whole time. Of course this was necessary, and he really is very understanding and supportive, but I am worn out (understatement), esp since I slept like 3 hours last night. But all I want to do is go back to therapy??? :o

Anyway, I would go do something outside but it is cold and I am considering hibernating until Spring.

I am currently grateful for my two cats because they are sweet and warm and nonjudgemental and they can't talk. I am so tired of hearing people talk and not SAY anything (this happens all day at work).

I guess I should eat since I skipped lunch...

[IrmaJean]

For the second time in 6 months I found out that someone I talk to on the World Wide Web lives less than 20 minutes away. I wouldn't think much of it, but I live in cow country with a population of only a few thousand. :eek: How odd, but cool. Another lunch buddy! :D

My 7 year old daughter is sick again. :( Time to go be a mom.

[Autognosy]

Hello!
I woke up today from a dream that looked like a movie. I was so anxious, in my dream Ijust saw we were eating in a reastaurant by the sea and 3 big airplanes appeared where you could see thir bottom. One of them was maybe fast because flames got out from the back side. Then they picked all men to fight-including my dad because there was war. At the moment I was with an old friend and we both looked at the sea. Some meters away I could see some old type ships coming to our island and I thought "they will have picked my brother as well. Then I was wondering with which friend of mine to go to be safe. I had tottally forgotten my mom and bf in the dream! Anyway, I woke up and asked my bf to hug me and he did. He also understood I had a bad dream-I don't know how..
So we woke up, he read and I got in here and then proposed him to go and try to fly the airplane I bought him for our 1st year anniversary. That was a bad idea as he broke it and now he is so sad...
Right now I am cooking and so I have to leave you. We bought the movie "The nightmare before christmass" and going to wach while eating.
See you soon!

[Jetliner]

Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words so, here's what's going on in my world...

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab283/Jetliner757-200/Car.jpg

[Autognosy]

Is this your car or it's just in a metaphoric sence you are speaking?
Either way, I'm sorry...

[Jetliner]

Oh, that's... that's, my car. :(

[IrmaJean]

Oh no! Are you okay? What happened? :(

[Autognosy]

Too bad! :(
The good news is YOU are fine (I assume this since you are calm enough to get in the net and tell us).
Hope the best.

[Jetliner]

Yeah, I'm fine. No one was hurt and my car took the worst of it. It was stupid; we were just talking at work about stupid drivers on the first snowfall of the season and low and behold, I went and found one not 1/2 mile outside of work!

Someone pulled out into traffic just after the last second! :p Nice. Car in front of me locked up the brakes; mine locked; then I down-shifted; tried steering away but it was just too slippery. It was such a slow speed collision, I think I could have gotten out and run past my car! But it was just enough to crush my front end. I think her car caught pavement just before we hit so, the impact was felt full force; if she were still sliding, that would have absorbed some of it.

Looks like we might be able to get away with just the hood and grill and one headlight - don't think there was any mechanical damage - radiator, etc. Important thing, no one got hurt.

[Autognosy]

So is the damage easy to fix? It surely looks too expensive. Sorry if you already told. There are many unknown words to me...

[wtfisgoingon]

hmm.. my day yesterday. I got up around 4pm, mhm its bad. I walked over to my cousins, hung out with him all day smoking cigarettes and watchin tv/playin video games. After that I walked to my brothers place to smoke more cigarettes and play more video games. I stayed there until around 2am, then I walked home, and stayed up until 5am until I fall asleep. The next day, rinse, repeat...

Today was a little better. I applied to a nursing home, where they have an extra 20 hours available at a cook position. Im going to call tomorrow early around 10am to see if they got a chance to look it over. The problem is, its 3;20am right now and Ill probably oversleep. Insomniac uhg

[Bluerose]

My world just now….

I had bad toothache and was on antibiotics. It’s just starting to clear up. I haven’t ate anything decent for over a week. I’m dreaming about steak!! The snow finally cleared and I rediscovered green grass!! I haven’t been out much since Christmas but I’m building up to a shopping trip this weekend. And I have been asked over for dinner at my daughter’s house on Saturday evening. So I’m doing okay. How are you doing?

[mscat]

I've been sick with the flu , and just now getting over it, left with a bad cold and cough though .
I did go see the pdoc yesterday. He changed my meds around , but spent a lot of time with me . An appointment usually lasts 15min. with him, because he just does meds. So I was surprised I was in there for a Hr.
I saw the therapist afterwards, but he just talked , and i do not even remember what it was about.
My son has been getting over being sick too, so he has been staying home from school. Which is fine with me, I do not want to be alone. I had Physical therapy today, my first appoinment, but had to reschedule, because my brother was not going to take me. I did not want to drive all that way by myself.
Nothing exciting happening here in my world , just the bad flu, which has made me extra tired.

[Symora]

I've been on training this week. Two week course in Labour Relations:( Actually it's not that bad, I'm learning a lot. My back is killing me though because of the chairs. I had a serious back operation many years ago and it does not usually bother me anymore, but lately it's not good .... I've also been feeling insecure, as a woman. The class included about 10 young, very pretty women, all dolled up. The types you see at the gym a lot... It is making me feel very over the hill. Growing old as a woman is not easy :-( I am now single again and I get the distinct impression that is the way it's going to stay. I did not think my life would be like this....

Anyway, I'm feeling anxious and my positive self-esteem resolve is quickly going out the window. I find that my negative tapes are starting to play again and I'm feeling down about myself.... damn bad habits :mad:

[IrmaJean]

Anyone ever get spam mail from themselves? :eek: It's happened to me twice in the past week. Weird.

[Luna-]

Nope. Weird indeed.

[tracey.f]

I feel like i am joining the forum again, it's been a while since i popped in to see you. I went into a rapid/ mixed state cycle nightmare, i have been for about 2 1/2 months now.

Hey on an up note i seem to be slowing a little. I took my eldest son to see the new Percy Jackson film yesterday , i actually made it without having an anxiety attack.:D
I haven't been going out much again recently, i self isolate at times but this is something i am going to work on over the next week! Getting out more again is going to be good.( I hope!)

Anyway, i feel like i am intruding. It's been a while, you wont remember me.
Take care, hope you are all doing ok.

Tracey

[malign]

Of course I remember you, Tracey. And missed you.
Helps to have a memory like an elephant, but not the trunk.

Any idea what has helped you stabilize (it might help other people)?

[IrmaJean]

18 inches of snow. No power at home. A one room hotel with 5 people. Only 2 laptops. :eek: Now my H is snoring very loudly. Is it spring yet?

[pinecone]

Hi to everyone. I am new here. I am a goofy 41 year old gal. I am so goofy yesturay I woke up and watched a NASCAR race. Then after the NASCAR race I watched Hanna Montana the rest of the night. I admit I am a big Disney channel watcher even though I am over 40 and don't even have kids.

We have fresh new snow on the ground outside, and just when I was actually starting to see some of the backyard too, that's been covered up with old snow. I am sooo looking forward to Spring. Living up on a mountain though. I will be another month before we really feel it. Actually our springtime is more like a late winter then all of a sudden it's early summer.

You all got your corn beefs ready to cook next week or whenever? We got ours and will probalby cook it next weekend. I just love St Patrick's Day. Don't really know why, just do.

Well talk at ya later.