Feelin' crazy.

[OnlyHuman]

I feel like I'm loosing my mind!! I'm 24 and have been cutting since I was 11. Starting out, it was just a way to deal with some of the issues I was having. Now, it's become the ONLY way to deal with them. Of course, along the way I've wanted to quit several times, mainly just because of the embarassment that it brings. So, I've been working on trying other things for a couple of months now, and it's just not the same. It's almost like I crave cutting. It's all I think about, it's all I want every second of every day, I don't stop thinking about it until I give in. I don't know what else to do. Nothing else works.. If I try to do other things, it just makes me irritable and delays any "harm". It doesn't hurt anymore though. It's pleasant for me. I want it both ways. I want to not have anything to hide.. To be able to do what I want to do or wear what I want without having to worry about which scar is where! What do I do?
Does medication really help people dealing with this? I was on prozac as a teenager, but apparently it didn't work for me. How do you stop an impulse? How do you say goodbye to a "faithful friend"?
This must sound crazy, but as much as I feel the need to defend it, there's a will to stop it. Does that make sense? As much as I love it, I hate it. I just don't know how to show emotion or deal with things any other way. Any help is appreciated.. I don't know what to do!

[ASchwartz]

Hi Onlyhuman,

You ask a very meaningful question. I just want to remind you that, when you ask, "how do you say goodbye to an old friend (self cutting), that with such old friends, who needs enemies?

You are not only fighting an impulse but an addiction. It works like this. The self cutting sets off endorphines in your nervous system. Those endorphins are chemically similar to morphine and that is why they feels so good. Morphines are addicting and so are these endorphins. You cut because you are addicted. It is not the only reason for cutting but it makes it much harder to stop.

There are healthier ways to get the endorphins flowing and to become addicted in healthier ways. Some people become bicycle racers. runners, joggers, skiiers, etc. Exercise would serve the same purpose but would be good for you.

Also, medication that did not work when you were a teen might help now. Of course, I do not believe that anti depressants ever stopped cutting. However, Cognitive Behavior Therapy could really help in a big way.

Allan :)

[mscat]

Hi Onlyhuman,
You have described Self harm perfectly. A love hate relationship with it > Once started , it is very difficult to break the cycle . Self Harm is thought of as a addiction because of the "feel good" qualites it has afterwards. As Allen had explained in his post. However, what happens is that in the body, the endorhines released afterwards , does not stay. Their is a high afterwards, but then it is gone later. As soon as anther incident occurs , such a a stressful event, the self harmer is more inclined to turn to Self injury again to cope , because he or she has learn to cope , a "quick fix" then instanly feels better at least for a little while. Thus the cycle of SI continues. SI by nature is an impulsive act. A lot of self harmers grab what their use to , to feel better , as soon as they can , instant relief. I have known people who SI to carry around their "things" so they can use it when needed , in their cars, at work, in the bathroom, under their pillow. Some have rituals to the SI , some take comfort having the SI tools always with them on them. Your not alone though, many self harmers are out there, and are fighting the urges all the time.
There are many reasons why SI, and it is always personal. Not the same fr everyone. It is though a way to cope. Finding positive ways to cope is the first step to stopping SI behaviors. However, it sometimes difficult to learn those on your own.
Therapy, and one that is really good is called DBT. About medications , sometimes a self harmer might be diagnosed with Depression, or something else that only makes it so much more harder for them to cope . However not all self harmers struggle with anything like that.
I reccomend Couenseling , and go from there. At least then you could talk to someone about how your feeling. A profeesional to help you work out your feelings and not take it out on yourself.

[OnlyHuman]

Alan- I understand what you're saying about the enemies!! Calling it a "faithful friend" sounds a little off, but it's the one thing that has always been consistant in my life. If I can kick this "habit", I think it will be bittersweet for me. It's always been my secret safe-zone.
As I stated before, I've been working on this issue for a couple of months now. I've been doing anything I can to "distract" myself. I've gotten to where I'm walking 6 miles per day just to stay busy during my usual down time. It has put me in shape, though!! My only problem with this is that it's only distracting for so long! You know? Once I get back home, it's not but maybe an hour and I'm ready to go grab a razor. I think about it all day. I just don't know how to NOT think about it. I guess if I can go without for a few days instead of cutting multiple times per day, that's a plus.. But it's so disappointing to me when I feel like I have no will power because I've given in. It's been a part of my life for so long.. I don't know any other way.
I'm really not wanting to do medication again. However, thanks for the tip on the cognitive behavior therapy. I'll check in to that. I need any help I can get, because it's not working my way!

Mscat- You've hit the nail on the head. I've always had something available for me to use at all times.
I'm still exploring new ways that will work for me instead of cutting myself. To date, I haven't found anything yet. I've found a few temporary fixes such as walking, drinking, anything to keep my hands busy, getting new tattoo's, making sure I'm not alone, scrapbooking, going to a public place.. It's just none of these work for me for very long. I guess that's where the will power comes in!

This is not a flattering think to talk about, and it's not something I'm use to. We weren't raised to be emotional, so it's different to step into that role as an adult. Anyway- I appreciate the time you have taken to talk with me.. It helps to know there are people out there that understand!