Could therapy work against me?

[OnlyHuman]

Hey there!

I have a silly question for whoever is willing to help me! I'll give you a bit of background.
I'm a single mom raising twins. I've been single since mid-pregnancy. I've had no help, emotionally or financially. Their "dad" has only been a part of their lives for 7 whole days.
Now, I've asked him to either step up and be in their lives and pay child support.. or sign over his rights as a father. He's chosen to threaten to get full custody.. I don't think he'll get it, but it makes me a little nervous as to how this "custody battle" will play out.
I have a few issues myself that I need help with and am looking forward to seeing a therapist to address them.
Now, To get to my question..

Will me going to therapy or being on meds (if need be) interfere with MY part of the custody of my kids? Can they use this against me in court?

Am I too paranoid?

[karai]

Hi OnlyHuman,
I don't think you are being paranoid. I think the question you raise is very valid, esp. in your situation. I would think a very "good" lawyer would take advantage of anything having negative connotations look really bad for you to help your children's father win, at any cost. Just my opinion, but I'm looking at it from a cautious point of view. You should check w/ your lawyer before doing anything that could be perceived as unfavorable to your character as a mother (influencing caregiver) to your children. I have no personal experience w/ divorce, but I've heard the "dirty tactics" stories from relatives who did. I wish you well and take care.

[David O]

Good morning and welcome, Onlyhuman,

This has to be a tough rode right now. I have typically strayed from custody issues but have had to on occasion go to court to testify as an "expert witness". Every state is different, but one common theme is that the court will ignore your treatment issues entirely unless there currently is or has been a history of neglect or abuse on your part, towards the children. Also, the judge will look at whether or not you have the means and capacity to raise your them (a safe home, financially able to meet their needs). Finally, they'll look at your stability-- are you or have you been a danger to yourself or others, are you capable of taking care of yourself (i.e., you are not mentally ill to the point of self neglect).

Your husband can raise issues of (and ex's often do b/c they think it will sway the judge) of you needing or being in therapy ("she's in therapy and is seeing a psychiatrist for depression.... or anxiety or..). But, the judge will determine whether these issues will genuinely affect your ability to provide a safe, loving home. If not, you should have no problems. These things your attorney can give you more info on. One other thot on this, some courts have interpreted your being in therapy as a good sign-- one that indicates an effort to heal and get past the struggles your having so that you can be a better parent in the end.

One quick thot though, to ransom your children to force your ex to "man-up" will backfire and cause more damage than good to them. Karai is right, the court will not take kindly to this tactic and may force you to allow visitation or even give joint custody (unless your ex has a history of abuse/neglect towards you child). In a worse case scenario, I've seen judges rule against a parent who was completely insistent/adamant that she would not allow her ex to see them unless he paid child support-- they interpret this behavior as self serving and not in the best interest of the child. So, be very careful.

More importantly, if your children grow up fatherless and eventually discover you "ransomed" them for money as the reason for it (which you should justifiably get), it may cause great damage to your relationship with them. This decision is too important to let money and your anger/pain determine. Your children need their father, regardless of what's happening between both of you-- at this point it "ain't about you and him"-- it's about what's best for the children, and this "pay up if you want to see him" could be interpreted as your not working in their best interest (which can create a question mark in the judge's mind about your judgment and decision-making).

This stuff goes on daily in family court, a nonpaying ex--- and a pissed off ex trying to extract money from the ex who won't help out. Many judges throw this issue out immediately as a non-custody issue, but they will compel the husband to pay up on his own, or have his wages garnished, and in some jurisdictions, have him spend a brief and luxurious vacation behind bars as a gentle nudge to "man-up!"

I say this as a father, as an abandoned son who has never had biological parents to speak of, as a mental health professional who's worked with children and families for >30 years, and as someone who reluctantly has been asked by the court to testify on these matters. I understand your pains here and where you're coming from, and it feels very wrong that the "lowlife" should get to see his child w/o doing his part-- this is only natural and just. But it only hurts your child, it hurts you because it maintains the bitterness in your heart, and it forces a court's judgment against your wishes (which makes the situation more aggravating).


Good luck and I hope this helps.

[OnlyHuman]

Thanks Karai & David!

David,
I think I may have worded things wrong. Although, I do feel it's my responsibility as a parent to collect child support for the sake of my kids.. I haven't focused on that. I mean, I hadn't asked for it at any point up until this discussion I had with him, and that's where it's been left. I can financially take care of them on my own and have to date. Also, I did tell him that either way it went, I wanted him to be involved. It has never been my intention to keep my children from him.. I've done nothing but almost beg for him to be in their lives. At this point, I don't see us being in a relationship together, but regardless of what happens with us, they're still his kids!
It doesn't make me happy to see women that "ransom" their kids.. It wasn't my intention to make it seem like that's whats going on in my case. In all honesty, I hope that's not the way I'm making him feel. I think him telling me he was going to get custody was an attempt to scare me into shutting up or going away or whatever. I don't think he wants to be a part of their lives. I, would love for him to.. The girls need their father, and that's the only thing I am trying to get across to him. Just last week, We went through the death of my brother.. He was married with 3 kids. It basically made me start thinking that if anything happened to me, the girls would go to a "stranger".. You know? Either be in their lives, lets get visitation & child support, or don't be in their lives.. Maybe I'm putting that the wrong way, but it's the way I see it. Child support & visitation go along with it. And just for the record- My children are very well taken care of and get lots of love.

Anyhow.. If they can use this against me, I suppose I should wait until after all of this is through court to start seeking therapy.. I would like to go pretty quickly, but I don't want to do anything to put the custody of my kids in jeopardy! That's unfortunate.

Thanks for the insight.