My situation.

[The_Voice]

Well, my situation seems to be a rough one. First off, I am a pedophile. It is the first time I have ever said it to anyone or anything besides myself. I am not now or ever will be a child molester, I have never touched a child sexually, and never will. The fact of what I am causes me deep, deep pain. Pain caused from not wanting people to know what I am, and not really being attracted to adults like myself (I'm 23). I think I am this way because I was molested as a child. This also causes me very deep pain, I don't trust people easy. All this stuff makes me very depressed.

I have been depressed since I was about 13, when I realized what had happened to me as a child. It sounds bad, but even now looking back on the molestation I am half sad that it stopped. It was attention that I wasn't getting else where, and in thinking that I make myself sick. It sucks so bad for me though that this fixation happened. I want to be a normal person, but I cant talk to anyone in my life about this stuff, though I have told my sister that I was molested (she cried). I can't tell her I am a pedophile, because I think she won't let me see them anymore, though I'm not attracted to boys at all.

Being this depressed causes problems for me on almost a daily basis. There are days when I am fine. I have friends who would die for me, my family loves me, everyone always compliments me on being smart, or a nice guy. It makes me feel sick that they all believe this act I put on for them everyday.
Nearly everyday I think about killing myself, or about how to kill myself if I was going to. Another problem is that everyone likes me, girls/women love me, guys find me easy to talk to about personal problems, and children adore me. Fear consumes me daily, sorry if I have went on forever. Any advise would be awesome.

[finding my way]

Voice, I am so sorry for your pain :(. Being molested as a child is a very confusing and debilitating experience. Many here on this site can relate to your trauma. You've done a great job expressing yourself here and reaching out. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? There's a very good chance that therapy could help you to process your experiences and your sexuality. In any case, you are welcome to continue posting here.

[The_Voice]

I have been looking into therapy, and doing research for awhile. My biggest problem at the moment is my depression, it consumes most of my time some days. It sucks feeling alone in a room full of people. If the depression stopped I think I would be fine.

[The_Voice]

Ever have one of those day? You know, where everything is coming up short, and things just don't seem to go your way? Well, it's been one of those months, emotionally and physically draining. I sleep for a few hours one night, and twelve for the next three. The depression is going to kill me, but that can't be all bad, some days I pray for heaven others I hope for nothingness. At least if there was nothing when I died, then I would be nothing, feel nothing.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just a place to vent. I can't talk to anyone else, the screen of anonymity helps a lot. I hate what I am. I didn't ask for this, I didn't choose this. So, why I am hated so much, why must I hide everyday like a witch during hunting season? Why do I have to play that hand I was dealt?
Things may look darkest before the dawn, but dawn is a long way off.

[GingerSnap]

I am thinking that some kind of counseling/therapy could be really helpful for you. Is there any reason why you haven't went that route? If you don't have insurance, they have in the US mental health agencies that have a sliding scale (where you pay based on your income) even Medicaid now covers mental health services. Don't spend your life this way as I think this looks like something that can be successfully worked out so you would be free of it. That you would seek help is a show of strength not weakness and this is something that is not your fault but if you chose not to get treatment, that is going to be your choice and I wonder, will you always be able to resist the temptation? A lot of these impulses grow as time goes on. Be strong and chose to get the help that you need to live a productive and happy life that you will be proud of. Maybe someday you will find yourself being a best resource for someone who has suffered the injustice that you have and walk them through it being resolved? My best

[The_Voice]

Therapy is something I have looked into. I have made an appointment and have not going before, out of fear. I am trying very hard to work of the nerve to go, its hard to explain to another person what I am going through you know? It is a lot easier over the internet to be open about ones self. Their are two fears in my life, and only one that I'm seeking to relieve and that therapy. I am going to talk to my sister more, she is a psychologist. I am sure at this point that I can lean on the people closet to me in life. I will get her opinion on where to go, and how to go about it. I will write back with more, and thank you GingerSnap.

[ASchwartz]

Hi The_Voice,

I want very much to assure you that psychotherapy is a very safe and secure thing to do. It is understandable that you have some anxiety about it since you have never done it before but, of all the things in life that can and do happen, psychotherapy is low on the list of scary and threatening things.

Make the appointment.

By the way, dawn may seem like its far off but, in reality, it never is.

Allan :)