I saw my boyfriend kill himself.

[KrissyRae]

My boyfriend killed himself in front of me in 2001. I'm now 26 and I feel like i'm 19 again. I feel like my life stopped. Since then i've been self destructing, having horrible anxiety and panic attacks and even developed OCD. I feel like i'm one big mess. It's not weird for me to stay in my bed for days at a time. I'm just sick of feeling so alone and sad.....I dont know what to do. He has ruined my life... i've dissapointed my family and myself... Will it ever get better?

[Dee1963]

Hi KrissyRae,

First let me say I am so, so, so very sorry you had to go through that. How horrible to have that burned into your mind. It couldn't have been easy these last years for you.

Have you been seeing anyone to help you through this trauma? I can't say if things will get better, that is something only you can answer, but I can say that it could change in time. Nothing ever stays the same, since we don't stay the same. Your perception of the events might change as your perspective changes.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that each day is a little easier to get through for you than the day before.

[Mark]

KrissyRae,

What you saw might very well have traumatized you, as in posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. There are three basic sets of symptoms that suggest PTSD:

1) you relive the traumatic event when you dont want to be doing that
2) you try to escape from things that remind you of the traumatic event
3) you are anxious and jacked up all the time and hyper.

Please read our PTSD topic center (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=109&cn=109) for more information, and also this essay about PTSD in relationship to combat veterans, (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=15324&cn=109) and this one about PTSD in relationship to natural disaster (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=4898&cn=109).

Let us know if this sort of thing makes sense to you.

Mark