It feels like....maybe....I don't know.....grief????

[danni]

I'm still really struggling with, and part of what I hate most about my irrational thoughts, is the fact that I can say I was only five years old and somebody raped me and I still feel that I was old enough to do something.

It took away my childhood, in every sense of the word. I don't remember ever in my life being carefree and innocent. I don't remember ever in my life laughing and playing and not feeling like the most disgusting creature that ever lived.

I will never be carefree and innocent. That was taken from me. It took away my perception of age and what I should have been able to do. I was forced into very adult things when I was still just a tiny child, and in turn it made me feel that I should have been more adult. I should have known what to do, I should have known how to stop it, I should have done something - told somebody beyond my parents, called the police, wrote a freaking letter...ANYTHING.

I was left with so many years of blame, feeling that I should have been able to do things that were way beyond the capabilities of a five year old - all because of their selfishness and cruelty.

I guess for me what hurts so much is the loss. I lost my ability to love and trust freely. I lost my ability to share and laugh and bond without always thinking thinking thinking if it's okay.... if they're going to still like me..... if I'm likeable just being me.... if I'm worth their attention. I lost my ability to have that beautiful childhood full of joy and love and safety and innocence.

And it hurts because not only did I lose those things, but because I was so little I never even had the chance to have them in the first place.

[FourAnchors]

Here is another topic that seems so important yet little response (well no responses) and yes, I do realize that many of us are here because we don't know things, are trying to figure them out...so we ask. Danni, I think you are right that there is an enormous amount of grief in these things, my own experiences keep me entrapped in a cycle of grief that seems to never end or ease up. IMO-Just because you could not control what happened to you, you are very much affected by all the losses associated with your situation..I wish I knew how to get past this type of grief not only for myself but especially to help others feeling the same. It has a huge impact on one's life, it really does. I can only offer my understanding and I do think you're on the right track. My best wishes to you that you may overcome these feelings!

[finding my way]

Danni, your perspective on this is getting much more compassionate towards yourself. That is so difficult to pull off when you have had years of shame and self hatred. I just want to say Bravo to you, even though I'm sure celebrating isn't what you feel right now.

It IS possible to feel your inner child now. It IS possible to get some healing for her and to explore childlike wonder and play for the first time even though you are a much older person. All you have to do is maintain a safe environment for her to come out in, and to learn how to handle and care for her energy and fun. (and be there for her sorrows).

Let us know how it is going for you. There will be setbacks, but you are in a much better place now, and this can happen for you.:o

[danni]

Thanks finding. You are right...celebrating isn't what I feel. There are a lot of ups and downs. It's a bad flashback night. Not sure what's triggering them but tonight is particularly hard. It's so hard to turn off the flashbacks but I'm trying really hard not to turn to alcohol or drugs. But, they are so real......I feel his hands on me, I hear his voice, I feel the pain. I really don't feel safe tonight so I thought I would see if saying it here might help. I know I am safe but I really really can't feel it.

[finding my way]

Can you put yourself in a safe enough place, like an armchair in a safe room... and just breathe until you find her? Reach out to your young self that experienced that horror, and instead of reliving it (you both know too well what happened) bring her to your safe place and just hold her, or breathe with her, or anything that is in the safe present moment. Keep building your safety, and she will be able to live again.

[danni]

Thank you!!! That was so helpful and also the first time I've felt in touch with that little kid. It's the first time I've embraced her rather than hate her. Maybe if I can learn to love her, she will be able to heal. She's really hurting!!!

[malign]

Danni, it's so great that you found her (the little girl inside). She's the innocent one in all this, the one that none of their words (or deeds) can touch. She's you.

Heh, what do I know? I guess that's just how I hope it works. Or can work, some day.