The Real Root of My Bullying?

[Autumn Rain]

I just found out (maybe) the real root of my bullying incidents

Is it possible that a person shaped by several unrelated events and the result is a personality that attract bullies?

In the past, I thought everything starts from the moment in my 7th grade when a group of girls picking on me.
But tonight I found out a shocking development that makes me rethink the whole thing over.

Everything (maybe) starts from within my own circle of family, and the truth really hurts. I don't know if I can cope with this.......I never realize this before but can someone tell me please if this is for the best for me to cut over my own family? And by family here I meant it as more than one person, and I don't want to make my mother and father sad if they realize their children have a fight but I couldn't take this anymore.

The thing is, my father and mother's marriage is not something accepted by my father's siblings. And his siblings hate my mother with all of their passions and heart of hearts, and finally their hatred also put my mother's children on the same page with my mother.
I find it extremely childish and hurting, why? Why they're so childish and stupid, they hate me and my brothers simply because we are our mother's children?
My whole childhood, my whole extended families are crazy with a lot of events coming from the fact that they hate my mother.

As my mother bore children, and several of my father's siblings also bore their own children, the hatred circle started. They raised their own children to be their accomplice in the hatred group. Or maybe it's a cult that exist only within family, wow they establish an elite cult that no outsider shall ever able to join, impressive. It's them against my mother (and her children). My paternal cousins, all of them, are taught since childhood to hate my mother and her children. They're taught to always be in competition with my mother's children, and the end result is a set of cousins who never think of me and my brothers as cousins in the real term. I mean, sure they are aware that we're cousins by blood, but because they're groomed in that certain way, it ends up clear as a day that my father's children will never be on the same page with his siblings' children.

But it's not just our cousins. I mean, these elders also hate, and they're quite childish in their way to show this hatred. I imagine, it must be hard for them to love me and my brothers simply because we are the bloodline of the woman they hate. But the ugly truth is, they are still valuing male more than female thanks to their old way of thinking.
Male offsprings, however difficult for them to love, is still "more acceptable" than female offsprings.
So the worst situation is reserved just for me, the only female offspring of that villain woman (AKA my mother).
My brothers share the same sin with me on the fact that they're my mother's children, but they're males and they can be considered family name-bearers too no matter what happens. I, on the other hand, not only I carry the "original sin", I also carry the additional sin of being a female. A female who if she marries, she won't be family name bearer,so she has double sins here.

My whole life, I have to deal with this hatred. Eventhough recently they start to warming up to my brothers, they still treat me the same way they treat my mother. Ofcourse, because I am my mother's only daughter. When they start to smile for my brothers and start to warm up to them, I still casted asside like usual. Or maybe I just started notice this, that although they're hating my brothers all these times, it's not on the same level of hatred they show to my mother and me.

Once when I was a toddler, one of the aunties tried to brainwash me and my little brother to hate my mother (by claiming she loves my bigbro more, that bigbro is her favorite). Well, there's no point in denying the truth, it's true that my mother's golden child is my bigbro, everyone including friends and family friends know. But then again, it's humane for parents to have favorite right, so the real crime here is the part of the brainwashing attempt.
What kind of auntie is this, trying to brainwash her own niece and nephew to hate their mother?
But that's not all.
In my case, I spent my entire childhood listening to them telling their family friends who come by to the grandparents' home(both are dead long before I'm borned) that I am the most stupid kid out of my father's three children. I struggle alot with this......and there is nothing more sad in my childhood than a bad grade, and the hard truth is the fact that my grade really the lowest among us three. But then again, my bullying incidents started repeatedly during my school years when grade suddenly important for future education, so I have more weight put upon my shoulder. Not only about grade, I also have bully problems to think about. My parents try their best to help me cope, but they're busy and most of the time, I remember spending my school years feeling so lonely and all by myself.
That as a girl, comparing to all of my female cousins I am also the ugliest, the fattest, the most unwomanly.
That my name is used alot by whores (this is one uncle's wordings, that my name is common for whores, especially high-class whores. He stated it when I was just a child maybe 7 or 8, and he even laughed after saying it) and when I was a teen and told my father, my father confronted him and he denied ever said it. But if nobody ever said about it, then how comes I have memory from my childhood days when I look at my name and hate it with every shred of me and wish I have other kind of name?
And many many more I don't know, maybe I bury a lot and make myself forget those things.

And I have a paternal auntie, she is famous in our town as the real wicked witchess. It's embarassing but it's the truth, she is one of those people that makes you question the notion that "everyone is good person in their heart" that Anne Frank stated. She can damage your self-worth if she starts to speak and target you, let alone if you're her family. No wonder everyone in my paternal family consider her to be the family's black sheep, one of the top in the Things That Shame Our Family booklet (I wonder if my mother and her children also up there somewhere). She never get married, and end up having to depend on my father's charity for her whole lifetime. Also one of the top embarrasment for the whole family. What can I say, they're old generation after all.

[Autumn Rain]

Anyway, I don't know who started it....but before I realize it the mockery already exist long enough it become some sort of family mockery for me. Worse, even my parents and brothers also use it.

The mockery is about how I am similar to this auntie. Everytime any family members annoyed with me, they wil say: "You're just as evil/wicked/bitchie/etc. as Aunt Betsy!" and that's how it always end. I don't have reply for that, because I was a child then and I don't know how to defend myself even now. I don't know why my parents ever said those things too, my guess is that they're tired from working hard and dealling with my father's siblings' latest antics, and as human they may slip and make mistakes too. I don't doubt that my parents love me, really.
My brothers on the other hand.....when we're children, everytime there is siblings brawl between me and one of them, they always use that as automatic way to silence me. With that sentence, it's over; I'm the one on the wrong side because I am just like Aunt Betsy, period.
While my little brother grow out of that, my bigbro is different story.
I don't know why he can be like that. We're growing up and we're young adults now, and he still use that sentence to justify why it's okay to end the fight with me on the wrong.

Looking back, he also used to win the fights with me and my little brother. And he grows up and finally he fall in love with the sort of women that will make you cringe if you know your son involves with any of them. And the thing is, he always have big fight with my parents because of this. And I always end up as their mediator somehow. And it builds up from there. Because I also disagree with his choice of women, and I do voice my disagreement out of concern, and he always explode because all he wants is my being all supportive and helping him courting our parents' approval. And out of siblings' love, I just can't do that, I mean, who can watch their sibling jump the cliff without doing anything to try to prevent that suicidal move?
Even if I said I don't care I won't care anymore, in the end I still care.
And take a beating out of it.
Because I also become my brother's punching bag in the emotional sense.
Everytime he has trouble about his current girl, he will always looking for fight with me. He will fish my annoyance in anykind of ways, and then I will get annoyed more and more, and finally I will explode and we end up fighting. His fishing for a fight with me is like a release for his pent up emotion. And then he will finish it up with the usual wordings, "You're just like Aunt Betsy! Fine, if you're really becoming the second Aunt Betsy then it's okay, I'm willing to feed you the way our father feed her! I will feed you my whole life, it's okay, so whatever it doesn't matter if you become the second Aunt Betsy!"

Today I fight again with him......and this time I suddenly find myself thinking about this. It's like an Eureka! moment, but it's not a happy Eureka! moment. Instead, the emotion that follow it like a lightning shock that directly destroy my own belief in what I am. No wonder outsiders bully me.........even my own family(father's siblings and my own bigbrother) bully me.
I analyze and come out with the conclusion that the main important thing for my brother is to hurt someone else. And that's one of the biggest horror.....I finally can see that apparently even my own brother bully me. He needs someone else to feel hurting, and he is using me. That's how bully think right- they want to hurt others simply for the sake of hurting? That if their victim is suffering and feeling pain, they got some sort of relief however short it is?

All these times, I thought it's my first bullies in middle school that shape me into bully-magnet. Maybe they're just attracted to the me that's already shaped by my own sick family members. I hate my uncles and aunties. How can they? But for my bigbrother though.....I don't know. It's supposed to be just us three against the world, but maybe it's not true since the beginning.

I wonder if this messed up family history is also have somekind of part in causing me become bully-magnet? And now, I'm thinking alot about this.I know people say that it's best to cut over the family ties with my fathers' siblings, and as unfilial as it may sounds I really feel nothing about it. Sad, but it's the truth. Because I don't have anykind of love feeling for them, sad as it may seem. And about my cousins too.....because there is never a time in my childhood where I grow up with them the way normal cousins do.....so I don't think it'll be a big problem however sad I am.
But about my bigbrother......that's another problem entirely.
It will kill my parents. I don't want to cause them more heartache....it's hard enough for them to deal with my brother's insanity. Also, I am the mediator, if I don't mediate he will go directly to my parents and he will kill them(indirectly, if you catch my meaning) and I just can't let him do that. But to be the punching bag all my life? How nice if I can say I don't care about my parents, but I love them and they love me too. People say just because someone don't love you the way you do, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. And this is my case with my parents, their love is the only love I'll never doubt eventhough the whole world against me. Maybe I just have to find a way to deafen myself so I can be stronger when he start to fish for another fight. I don't know if I could though.

My head hurts now. How can I be so blind all these times? And moreover, I don't know if I can do that. I know I'm not alone, I know there are thousands or maybe millions siblings who grow up apart.
But somehow, I feel so lonely and so terrible now.
I don't know anymore, I can only see darkness. I feel strangely empty....this is worse than the usual blow I've dealt with when outsiders bully me.

[JulianP]

deleted....

[Autumn Rain]

Thankyou for the suggestions JulianP...I've been analyzing the whole thing multiple times now. I still can't believe I never see this before.....but in a way, it makes a whole new sense to me. I don't know about the bit of me being intelligent enough to pull this, because I need decades to see this. Then again, my father's siblings never stop the cult of hatred and I just stop having contact with them when I enroll to university in faraway city, so it makes sense that I don't see it as a factor up until now.

Several points of your suggestions do touch several sensitive subject that made my paternal family. I know why they hate my mother so much, and it's really the real reason why they justify that hatred. The truth is, my father is the charity of his siblings long before he marry my mother.
His family was a poor one before.
Out of the siblings, my father is the first one to rose out of the poor situation, and truth to be told he is the only male of the whole siblings who rose against his fate. And he did successful in his attempt, he is a hardworker. And because of him being hardworker, he even forgo the dating world for decades before he finally met my mother. And that's why the hatred arisen.
My uncles are not hardworkers, although I know one uncle is kind of similar to my father in kindness but just like old story he is married with a greedy lady. And they had several children who become my cousins who was raised to hate my mother's children since forever. The other uncles try to work but they're lazy, even their first capital comes from my father.
As for my father's female siblings, there is one who didn't get married (the notorious Aunt Betsy) and there is one who quite successful on her own because her husband is rich but a real scrooge at the heart (so his wallet is really closed to his wife's family), and the rest of aunties are hopeless because they never work their whole lifetime and depend on my father's charity. Yes, you read it right, they never work their entire lifetime up until this moment when you read my words, and I know several of them including the unmarried auntie are still receiving monthly 'salary' from my father. Salary for being his sisters, that is.....because for some reasons unknown, they seem to have badluck and also marry 'lazy' husbands who ends up not bring enough money to keep their household intact.

Anyway, this is the main cause why they hate my mother. Because my mother is the one they hold responsible for the main cause of why my father's money didn't stream down like they used to before, to his siblings. Before this, he was the one who fund his niece and nephews education and become their rich uncle who doesn't have children on his own.
And then he met a woman and they fall in love and suddenly this woman hold the key to his bank account. And now his siblings and their offsprings can't directly access the money at the bank, because my father started his own family and now have his own children to mind. They don't care the fact that my father's money still accessible to them to some degree, my whole childhood is spent watching them asking my father money for anything. And I watch how my father always end up open his purse and fork out money again for the nth time for different reasons one after another. But they don't care, they still think my mother and her children are the obstacle between them and my father's money.

The whole story is disgusting right? This is what makes me so disgusted, the greedy tale of my own family. I don't care if this is considered airing the dirty laundry because either way it will be swept under the rug and forgotten after several generation(especially considering the fact that my cousins also inherit the capability to deny deny deny the real story).

My mother is a very silent woman....she bear everything by herself and just pile it up within herself. I think she and my father really stay solid despite his family's hatred toward her....it's a complicatedly stupid family situation really. But the thing is, eventhough my father does support my mother and defend her in front of his siblings, I can sort of see now why he can't just cut contact with his siblings. He has heart, and he just can't see his siblings suffering in poorness while he is away in richness. And he stay in contact with them because it's a small town and well, family is family.

My mother's family is a bit on the "I don't care" too because they don't want to be assumed as trying to get their hand into my father's money. I think there are several incident in the past when I'm still a kid where they got on hotwater with my father's siblings because they try to defend her, and then my father's siblings started to sing in chorus about how my maternal family wants to coax my father away from his family, and how they think my father will end up being fooled and they will want my father's money...it's a small town so people talk really. As the end result, my mother is largely on her own because her family doesn't want to do anything with my father's siblings. Maybe this really show that my mother does love my father, because she endures even this. Her family still support her, but really they just don't want to have anymore bad gossip about them spreading in our little town.

As for Aunt Betsy....well, she is really really that bad. Growing up, as a teen I even have several fights with her. Yes, a grown up woman, picking up on her niece. Actually, she is the auntie who tried to brainwash me and my little brother to hate our mother. She is really famous as the source of bad gossips, she is known to destroy people's life with several well-aimed bad gossips and manipulations, she is really really bad news that will make you question humanity. Even my father admits that his sister Betsy is the personification of Devil. Really. That's why it's a big insult really, the fact that my own family use her to 'win' against me in arguments.
My parents did slip and they don't say it save for several times, but the story is different with my own brothers. My whole childhood is about them using it as a winning charm against me in siblings brawls. And while my little brother grow out of it, apparently my bigbrother has made it his habit and he ends up use it everytime he has to has a fight with me and use it as the final strike. I think he loves the winning feeling, really. It's a shock that my bigbrother is a bully on his own right....wow.
I don't know about anything else now. I'm still in shock.
While my bigbrother is so easy to repeat the whole cycle like the usual old story about abuser who said sorry easily(he just called me and say "sorry" again) but I'm not convinced this time. It's ironic that sometimes, I find the advice for women in love relationship with abuser actually can be used to deal with abuser in the other kind of forms. Now I see the same cycle is used by my bigbro too...abuse, say sorry and beg for forgiveness, then start the whole thing again only to say sorry again.
I have to do something to free myself from this circle. I hope I can find the way to that. Maybe I should look into advice from people abused by their family members? I don't know, I tried to find the material but so far I only successful finding articles about dealing with spousal abuse or child abuse. I don't find anything about brother abuse.

That be said, I feel better when I finally can write this down. Maybe I just need to write things up. I've given up trying to talk with my parents, really. Their approach is just to let it go, there's no use for you being all gritty about it, just let it go. Bah.
As for my little brother...I think his approach is by being apathetic toward everything. Now that I think about it, it seems that he use the cutting contact method....maybe I should follow him one of these days.