Five Days, No Pills

[smallstar]

It's been 5 days, I have been so good, 5 days and no pills, by my choice, it is now out of my system, so why is today so much harder? I fear I will give in. Up til this point I haven't even attempted to get more, I've been pushing myself, and just telling myself no. I was happy with myself, couldn't believe I had done it, stopped taking the pills, started by weaning off, and actually did it, and than ran out and refused to allow myself to look for more, why isn't that enough for me? Will I ever not want them again? Or will I have to battle this forever? Knowing there is something out there that can make me feel better, but having to refuse myself that? I want to stay strong, if I give in today, it will be devastating.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Smallstar,

The reason its harder today is that your brain cells are letting you know that they miss the pills and want them. It may get even harder (or may not) until you are free of the craving. Just be patient with yourself and remember, its just your brain playing tricks on you. Just give it one day at a time.

What do others advise??

Allan

[OCDmom]

I know how you feel. I am scared of failing too, in many things. I remember a saying in my past: If you fall, then just get up, again and again. I know that's easier said than done. So if you fell, just remember, we will always be here to tell you: GET UP AGAIN.

I remember this funny song by Chumbawamba:
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.
You're never gonna keep me down.
I get knocked down, but I get up again.
You're never gonna keep me down......."

[smallstar]

thanks ocdmom. But that's the problem, if I screw up, right back to where I started, I doubt I would get up again. I am just worried, cause I know myself too well, and I have a feeling that I will not be able to resist today.

I don't think my brain cells will ever stop craving it. I know the relief it brings, and I can't forget it.

[confuzzed]

Way to go, smallstar!!
You can do it, and now you're on your way!!!
Hooray for you!!!

[smallstar]

thanks confuzzed :)
just worrying I'm gonna screw it up, that's all.

[SweetSue]

STAR

YOU ARE ONE OF THE STRONGEST MINDED PEOPLE THAT I KNOW, IF ANYONE CAN RESIST THE URGES AND THE CRAVINGS IT IS YOU.

TRY AND FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH, AND USE IT TO THE FULLEST CAPACITY, YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS, ISNT THE FIRST FEW DAYS THE HARDEST ?
COZ YOU HAVE ALREADY ACHIEVED THIS.

WE ARE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOU

TAKE CARE
Jj

[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

I quit a severe addiction to alcohol many years ago.

The thing about cravings is that they always go away...always. Even the strongest urge will pass. Sometimes all it takes is to find something to do in the meantime.

Also, urges are like waves. They build up and up and up and then...when they are at their very worst...that's exactly when they are about to subside! Keep that in mind so you won't get upset about a strong craving.

Remember that cravings are not forever. It will NOT always be like this (trust me!)...the cravings will definitely fade away over time. At five days in, though, your body is still used to the pills, so you are going to be having many cravings...that's just how it is, there's nothing "wrong". But if you stick with abstinence, the cravings will, little by little, fade in intensity and then they will stop altogether.

One tool that you might find useful with your urges is to keep an urge log where you record each of your urges. When it happens, how strong it is, how you are feeling when it happens, etc. You may find that there is a particular situation and/or time of day when you get urges to use, and forewarned is forearmed. I found, for example, that my urges almost always occurred between 5-7 pm. My body was interpreting hunger as a need for alcohol. If I had a snack the urge went away. You may find that something similar is true of you.

For this and other tools that you might find useful, check out the SMART Recovery website, www.smartrecovery.org.

Good luck with this and keep on writing in for pointers if you want! It's hard to quit an addiction, but people do it...and so can you!

Claire

[JulianP]

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[smallstar]

Thank you everyone, for your replies. I guess I just don't feel like I have the strength or capabilities when it comes down to it. But really, for me 5 days is HUGE when it used to be waiting 2hrs seemed to take all I had.

As for the cravings, for some reason, they were stronger today. I think it's because I spent most of the 5days in my room, so it was easier. Today, was back to work, back to life, and I just felt like I was missing something, it felt so wrong, and being that I knew a person at my work was going to get them tonight, I couldn't find it in me to turn it down. I'm split right in half, one part wanting the pills so bad I was practically excited at the thought of getting it and the other half so mad at myself, disappointed, trying so hard to just say no. That makes it so much harder, having it offered, my head was spinning thinking about it all day. Even once it's been long enough, and the cravings go away, I just feel the knowledge I have that by just taking a wee little pill, and how much it can help me, well I don't think I can forget that. I'll always want that feeling again, the feeling of a little more freedom. Without the pills in my system I am so different, I have nothing to say to anyone. I'm just back to work from vacation today and so many people stopped by to welcome me back, ask about my trip, want to talk, all I could say was, it was good thank you and look down. I am so awkward. Um yeah time to shut up.

I just constantly try to rationalize it to myself. What could just one hurt? One last one. Or how about just one a day? It's still a huge improvement from where I was. I don't know I just need to get it out of my head. Even though it's just 5 days, I do feel less controlled by it, which is good. I know I can make it through a day without it. I just feel like without the pills everything else is going backwards. That is where I got my courage from, to make any other changes. I don't know, I just fear no matter the amount of time that passes, it will always be on my mind.

[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

I hope you don't mind; I thought I would respond to some of the things you wrote directly....

I just constantly try to rationalize it to myself. What could just one hurt? One last one. If you think about it, you will know what it could hurt. Why did you decide to quit? Remember those reasons. They still exist.

Or how about just one a day? It's still a huge improvement from where I was. Sure, it's an improvement...but will it stay at one a day? Or will you soon be right back where you were?

I don't know I just need to get it out of my head. You know, the surest way to keep something in your head is to insist that you can't think about it. You have thoughts of using, at least for right now. The solution isn't to get rid of the thoughts, it's to learn how to deal with them, to know that no matter how bad the urge is, it will pass.

Even though it's just 5 days, I do feel less controlled by it, which is good. I know I can make it through a day without it. Exactly. It has been 5 days and you are already feeling better. You may have some days where you feel worse, but over time, the trend will be towards feeling better.

I just feel like without the pills everything else is going backwards. That is where I got my courage from, to make any other changes. It seems like you are having some thoughts that perhaps using the pills was a net benefit to you. To test whether or not this is true, why not try doing a cost-benefit analysis? Look here: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Tools_and_Homework/Quick_Reference/cba_fourquestions.htm

I don't know, I just fear no matter the amount of time that passes, it will always be on my mind. Smallstar, I drank nearly every day for decades. When I quit, I thought that the idea of drinking would never go away. But it DID go away. Not only did the physical cravings cease, even the thought of "gee, wouldn't it be nice if...." went. You do not have to be a prisoner to this, I swear to God you don't. Right now you are at the beginning of a process. That process takes time, and it is very difficult. But you are doing it. And you are doing well. Five days is fabulous. Just keep at it!!!!

Claire

[smallstar]

Hi Claire, of course I don't mind, I appreciate your thoughts.

I am still thinking about the pills as to how much they help me, I guess that is not how you are supposed to think if you are trying to quit. As much as I think they help me, I do know I need to get rid of them. Maybe it is just too soon, after taking a look at the link you provided for the cost-benefit analysis, apparently the way I am thinking shows that I could easily relapse right now, which I know I can, too easily, I think it just hasn't been long enough. Cause of course there are reasons I used these pills, and those reasons still exist. I just have to try and not think too much about other things until it's been long enough that I don't think I will be as tempted to take them again. It's just hard, seems like one big circle, but I know that most people deal with other things without taking pills to help, so there has to be another way.

[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

There's actually nothing wrong with, or unusual about, seeing some positive things about your addiction. What the cost-benefit analysis can show you is whether or not the good outweighs the bad.

You can also write down whether each cost or benefit is long or short term. This can be revealing, too. For example, a CBA on my drinking would look like this:

Good things about drinking--short term
Forget worries and cares
Get a buzz/feel good
Makes it easier to socialize
Gives me "liquid courage"
Makes me a better dancer/singer (not really)

Good things--long term
Possible health benefits

Bad things about drinking--short term
Hangovers
Blackouts

Bad things about drinking--long term
Health issues--liver disease, heart disease, brain disease, cancer
Relationship issues--marriage on rocks, kids scared of me, few friends
Career problems--can't work
Potential legal issues
Mental problems--fear, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, feelings of shame....


So, for me, what I was getting was short term benefits while causing myself long-term harm. Any chance that is true for you as well? Your specifics would be different, of course, but many of us find that this trend applies.

Claire

[John Rutledge]

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[Catmom]

Good stuff, Claire. You have offered smallstar some excellent resources to choose to use if she wants to stay clean. What she is going through is temporary and will certainly pass if she gives her brain and body the time to readjust to being drug free.

Smallstar--hang in there & let us know how you're doing.

Catmom

[smallstar]

Well I wasn't going to post here cause I screwed up, 5 days didn't turn to 6. Day 6 was one big screw up. Now today will be four days. I was going to mess up again. Lucky for me, I didn't get anything. I think it is good, because now I am glad I didn't get it. I really want to somehow make it to 7 days. I need to figure out how to not put myself in situations where it will be in my face. Once it's offered, it's like there is no question, it's just a given, do you want? Yes I do. Even if every logical part of me is saying no, telling myself the reasons I shouldn't, there's the other stronger part screaming YES. So far the only thing I can see that I am doing right is I am not giving myself permission to look for it, I won't make a phone call, or send a text, but when I receive a message asking if I want it, I can't make myself say no. Dr says I don't acknowledge the harm, I only say it helps, even though apparently it does not help, not really, just tricks me for a little bit. I need to learn to get past thinking that I just want a couple, just for one day. Cause that's not really true, I will think that every day, there's not going to be a day where I think, I don't want/need any today. So I see that I can't actually do that, I am just lying to myself. Actually, just realized that while I was writing this, I'll have to think about that. And if I keep giving in I will never actually be able to quit. I think I've been obsessing too much on just getting a few more, just for one day, that I haven't even been thinking about how I can do this. About how it hasn't been that bad, and would be so much easier if I could stop thinking about it. I've been thinking the wrong way, instead of being happy that I got through another 4 days, I've been pissed that I haven't been able to get more. Well now I think I am going to try again, and I already have four days pill free in, so it's kind of like a head start. But maybe if I can think right it will be easier. I just need to figure out how to not let my mind play tricks on me. It's too easy to talk myself into screwing up.

[smallstar]

Today makes 5 days again. It was harder to get here this time, but I think this time I will make it past 5 days. Today I worked on accepting that I don't take pills anymore. What I feel like is what I feel like, I shouldn't automatically be thinking how can I fix this, how can I feel different. It only works for a little while anyway and in the end just adds to making me feel bad instead of actually feeling better, or fixing anything. Where I am stuck now is every little thing other than sleeping or laying around seems like a huge feat to me. I don't want to do anything, I'm just tired and really don't care about anything. I guess this will pass with time?

[JulianP]

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[JulianP]

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[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

I agree with Julian that putting down an addiction is truly a beautiful act of self-love.

I did not experience my moment of truth as one of self-love, however; instead, for me, it was "I am going to quit drinking or die trying"...I felt angry and utterly desperate. It has only been in retrospect that I can see how loving my decision truly was. I was willing to do anything, anything at all, to save myself, which meant, of course, that I knew I was worth saving.

You are, too.

Claire

[smallstar]

Hi Claire. Hi Jp, thanks for sharing your story, there is much I can take from it. I did read everything written here, and will again to try and understand more. I guess I'm just a little stuck because I don't love myself, I'm just not there yet. Maybe by trying to quit, or I should say when I have quit for good, maybe I'll hate myself a little less. Today is day 6 by the way, the longest I've made it yet.

[SweetSue]

hey star,

just wanted to say...........
well done hun, i think your doing good, try and keep up all the hard work, were all routing for you.

take care
Jj

[Claire Saenz]

How are you doing today, smallstar? Please check in and let us know.

Claire

[JulianP]

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[Catmom]

I'd like to comment that I am in complete agreement with what Claire said about stopping addictive behaviour being an act of self love. And--Smallstar--don't wait to feel self love to stop! Just stop because you know the pills are hurting you more than the temporary escape they bring.

The feeling of self love will come after you have some time clean. I am fortunate in that I found a therapy program that helped me (not 12 step based) so that I could stop compulsive gambling and prescription drug abuse.

I hope Smallstar finds help, too, because isolation feeds addiction like nothing else.

Catmom

[Tony J]

Back in 1902 William James wrote :

"The only radical remedy I know for dipsomania is religiomania."

I don't know what that means to any given individual in the modern world, but I'm pretty sure it implies that more than a few internet friends are needed.

If recovery isn't taken seriously enough, it isn't likely to happen.

[xenophon]

smallstar, loving yourself is learned behavior; just as you learn how not to take pills. And, putting an end to the pill taking is part of learning how to love yourself. As others have indicated.

I found SMART Recovery and the tool box useful. perhaps you will as well.

I think you may want to set about finding what you enjoy doing; to engage your mind and heart. This may help create a reality base for self love. And, reality will show that your self hatred is contrary to fact.
Whatever happens keep going.

[smallstar]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for the delayed response here. It's mainly due to the fact that I screwed up again. Seven days didn't turn to eight. I didn't know what to say here as you're all giving me great support and advice. I guess I was embarrassed, ashamed. Even though I messed up again, I don't think that means I can't do it. The first time I lasted five days, the second time seven days. Maybe this time will be permanent? Even though I've messed up a couple of times I'm still in such a better place with it than I was. I'm no longer physically addicted, which is good and even though mentally I still struggle with it, it's so much different know. I used to be scared to death to run out. I wouldn't run out, there was always a way to get more. Now, well I only have had it twice in over two weeks, when I used to barely make it two hours before I was taking more. It's not on my mind as much either. Today is day one again, and despite being super down, I really wasn't craving it. More upset and angry with myself for screwing up. I mean, everyone makes a couple of mistakes when trying to quit, right? I can't do it perfectly, as much as I'd like to. I still think over the past month I have made huge progress here. And I think that by screwing up these couple of times, I see just how not worth it it is. I just have to remember to remind myself of that. I still think I can do this. I don't need anyone to tell me what a loser I am, I already know. I messed up, but I am going to try again. I mean, I can't give up, I don't really have another choice. I let myself believe the reason I am so depressed is because I am not having the pills. But I know that is not true, especially after giving in and having the pills, only to feel worse. I am looking forward to the day when I can feel like not taking the pills isn't a huge struggle, or fight with myself.

[xenophon]

Just keep going. keep your spirits up and start abstaining. It will work out.

[SweetSue]

hi star,

im supporting you from a distance.
i am so proud of you and the determination you show to overcome this, each time your managing to last longer, im sure sooner rather than later you will beat this battle.

take care hun
Jj

[JulianP]

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[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

So good to hear back from you!

It seems to me that you are very much on the right track. You are definitely making progress, and a couple of slips don't negate that! In fact, you are doing a very healthy thing in viewing them as lessons on why it isn't worth it to continue to take those pills.

And you "sound" better, much more positive and hopeful than you have in your previous postings. Isn't it amazing how just a couple of weeks of less pill use have improved things for you? How the pills have less of a hold on you already? It really DOES get easier with time, and easier still once you're abstaining completely.

I'm truly happy for you....keep up the good work and please keep checking in here. We are all rooting for you!!!!

Claire

[Tony J]

Comment deleted by David O. See my PM.

[smallstar]

Hi, thanks everyone for the support, and being kind to me even when I've screwed up. I was relieved to see that. Maybe I do rely too much on online support, but I don't see that as a problem as talking to people online seems to be what got me motivated to start making the changes and to continue to try. If I were just relying on myself, I wouldn't get very far. As for people in the "real" world, and their support, well I just really don't have anyone here, or I should say, because of my own faults, and fears, I don't really talk to people.

Anyway, I am still working on this. Driving myself crazy with one thought after another. I remember, from just a few days ago, that the pills didn't help, and actually made it worse. That's what I keep trying to remind my self. I'm trying to figure out, what is it then? I shouldn't have to feel like this, there has to be something to fix it. Of course my mind tells me, you need the pills, you're not you without them. But really, the problem is, I am me without them. I'm completely useless. I'm just a little worried about the future. I mean, if I knew this would end, I wouldn't be depressed forever, than I could handle it. But the problem is, I don't think I am capable to make the changes in my life that could possibly make me, well I guess, have a life, a life I might even enjoy. I'm not asking to be happy, just to have a little more of a point to my life. I don't know, I wish I could just get it out of my head that the pills would help me. I mean, sure it would, for a little bit. It would get me downstairs, maybe motivate me to do something. But the a half hour later it would wear off, and I'd be a little bit worse cause of it. I just have to remind myself that that short period of relief I may or may not get just isn't worth it.

[Tony J]

Smallstar, if my comment was in any way hurtful to you, please accept my appologies.

I honeslty did not intend it to be so. And also, remember that I can only share my opinions based on my own experience. I don't expect you or anyone to do something just because I share it or suggest it.

I may just be old school but since we can't see each other (we can use emoticons if we want) and human communication is very complex I think a real person or persons is more helpful. Online communication is good but face to face talk allows us to gauge each other better and use all our senses and instincs. Both on your end when deciding on which advice to take in a given situation and on our end when deciding what advice might be best to give.

But it is up to you. It' s your recovery and you are responsible for it, as are we all. :)

Anyway, if you can make a pact with yourself that you won't use for today and do anything necessary to keep that pact you can worry about tomorrow if and when it comes. Trust me, there will be a day when the cravings are gone and you won't even realize it for a while. But that day doesn't come until you stop using for that 'certain' amount of time.

Good luck and keep trying.



Hi, thanks everyone for the support, and being kind to me even when I've screwed up. I was relieved to see that. Maybe I do rely too much on online support, but I don't see that as a problem as talking to people online seems to be what got me motivated to start making the changes and to continue to try. If I were just relying on myself, I wouldn't get very far. As for people in the "real" world, and their support, well I just really don't have anyone here, or I should say, because of my own faults, and fears, I don't really talk to people.

Anyway, I am still working on this. Driving myself crazy with one thought after another. I remember, from just a few days ago, that the pills didn't help, and actually made it worse. That's what I keep trying to remind my self. I'm trying to figure out, what is it then? I shouldn't have to feel like this, there has to be something to fix it. Of course my mind tells me, you need the pills, you're not you without them. But really, the problem is, I am me without them. I'm completely useless. I'm just a little worried about the future. I mean, if I knew this would end, I wouldn't be depressed forever, than I could handle it. But the problem is, I don't think I am capable to make the changes in my life that could possibly make me, well I guess, have a life, a life I might even enjoy. I'm not asking to be happy, just to have a little more of a point to my life. I don't know, I wish I could just get it out of my head that the pills would help me. I mean, sure it would, for a little bit. It would get me downstairs, maybe motivate me to do something. But the a half hour later it would wear off, and I'd be a little bit worse cause of it. I just have to remind myself that that short period of relief I may or may not get just isn't worth it.

[SweetSue]

Hey star,

You know your not the only one that relies on, on line support. I do to. i do not see anything wrong with it. Although as you know i am in hospital, and the staff here help all they can, here i get a different kind of support. From people that know what its like and care how you are. It aids my recovery, to be able to talk things through with people that have actually been there done that or are currently living through there problems.

For what its worth, I think you are doing amazing. It takes a lot of inner strength courage and determination to succeed in what you are doing. I am proud that you arre doing so well, and very proud to call you my friend.

You can beat this, hun !!! :-)

take care
sue

[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

We all have to do what works for us. Face to face support is great for some (I liked it because it got me out of the house and away from a very angry husband!) but it is not inherently more valuable than online support. I've known people who had social anxiety so badly that face to face meetings were actually hurtful. You're the best judge.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing all the mood swings, self-doubt, and fear that I went through during the first few weeks/months of abstinence. I bet everyone here who has ever quit an addiction can relate to this. I can remember feeling great, then suddenly feeling like it was all impossible, like there was no way I was going to make it, and I would literally sit on my hands to keep from grabbing the car keys and driving to the liquor store. In retrospect I can see that all of those feelings made perfect sense given that I had been drinking for a couple of decades and had pretty much no coping mechanisms other than drinking....plus of course my body wanted alcohol. I was pretty stubborn though. That "I'm going to quit or die trying" mantra I used might have been a bit dramatic, but it was useful!

This IS hard, there is no doubt about it. But you are doing it. Even though it's hard, even though you're scared and doubtful, you are learning new things each day, and the addiction weakens each day you don't use. Hang in there...and don't give up no matter what!

Claire

[xenophon]

smallstar, live meetings are not my way either. So, we are together on that.
You are showing me that you have great strength and fortitude. As I said before, keep going. Never sell yourself short; never allow anyone else to sell you short.

[smallstar]

I am driving myself crazy with trying to quit these pills for good. I seem to go four or five days and then give in, and I'm just repeating this cycle over and over again. What's hard about it is I get too down when I don't have these pills to help me. I think I might be able to have more control over these moods than I let myself have. When I don't have the pills I just convince myself that I don't care, that there is no point to anything, etc. Then, eventually, I give in, and have them. And they help, for a very brief period of time, until the guilt kicks in and I starts to call myself all sorts of names and remind myself of why I am such a loser. But then I'll take more, trying to get rid of the bad feelings. Then I get so angry with myself, I try to get remotivated, and I am able to not take them again for several days. I know that I have made improvement with this, from where I used to be. I am just worried I am not strong enough to get to where I want to be. Where not taking them is permanent. I don't know, I guess as long as I don't give up, than maybe one day I'll get there. Today is day one, again, and I'm going to try so hard not to get too down, as much as I can control it, I'm just not that sure if I'll be able to. I just have to remember that this is what I want, what I need, I'm just really worried about how I will deal with things without anything to help. I don't know, but I'm trying again, and day one is almost over. I will try to do what Tony said and take it just one day at a time. Maybe if I don't focus on the "never again" part and just tell myself each day that today I will not have any pills, well maybe it will be easier to just focus on each day by itself rather than looking at it as one huge thing. I don't know, I'm just trying not to give up altogether. I know that I don't ever want it to be as bad as it was again, but I also know how easy it would be to get there again, so I need to be careful. I'm going to try to be stronger this time. One of these tries has to be the one that lasts.

[SweetSue]

hey star

You will get there hun, its not easy, we all know that, but the fact you keep trying, well that says a lot. Ok. so you slipped up. but your back on track again, and well maybe this time will work.

Your determination to succeed, is something that you should be proud of yourself for. Try not to look at it negatively, it will only make it harder for you.

We are all so very proud of you, and I am sure you will manage to beat this, one step at a time.

Were here for you hun, and Im silently supporting you from a distance.

take care
Jj

[Tony J]

Good girl.

Day one is a good place to be. It means you're counting clean time again.



I am driving myself crazy with trying to quit these pills for good. I seem to go four or five days and then give in, and I'm just repeating this cycle over and over again. What's hard about it is I get too down when I don't have these pills to help me. I think I might be able to have more control over these moods than I let myself have. When I don't have the pills I just convince myself that I don't care, that there is no point to anything, etc. Then, eventually, I give in, and have them. And they help, for a very brief period of time, until the guilt kicks in and I starts to call myself all sorts of names and remind myself of why I am such a loser. But then I'll take more, trying to get rid of the bad feelings. Then I get so angry with myself, I try to get remotivated, and I am able to not take them again for several days. I know that I have made improvement with this, from where I used to be. I am just worried I am not strong enough to get to where I want to be. Where not taking them is permanent. I don't know, I guess as long as I don't give up, than maybe one day I'll get there. Today is day one, again, and I'm going to try so hard not to get too down, as much as I can control it, I'm just not that sure if I'll be able to. I just have to remember that this is what I want, what I need, I'm just really worried about how I will deal with things without anything to help. I don't know, but I'm trying again, and day one is almost over. I will try to do what Tony said and take it just one day at a time. Maybe if I don't focus on the "never again" part and just tell myself each day that today I will not have any pills, well maybe it will be easier to just focus on each day by itself rather than looking at it as one huge thing. I don't know, I'm just trying not to give up altogether. I know that I don't ever want it to be as bad as it was again, but I also know how easy it would be to get there again, so I need to be careful. I'm going to try to be stronger this time. One of these tries has to be the one that lasts.

[JulianP]

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[smallstar]

Hi JP,

I think I understand what you wrote here. I guess you're right about the control, I guess I'm just thinking that I don't try hard enough to think differently, or more positively about it. I just think that if I could think right, not get so caught up in just thinking how much everything sucks and will always suck, I just need to prevent my head from going there. I need to stop it before it starts. I don't know, I just think if I can change my attitude from feeling like something so important to me, something necessary to me, I am withholding from myself, especially if I get too down and than it won't matter, I have to stop the thinking before it's too late I guess is what I'm trying to say.

As far as seeing people or talking to people, well I talk to my friends on here. But I just don't really have other friends really, I mean I live at home so I see my parents and brother all the time and I go to work everyday and there are people there. I don't really think that I am isolated. Even before the pills I didn't have friends. I had a friend once but it turns out she used me til I had nothing left to give, and I haven't heard from her since, that was like 5 years ago. Tonight I feel like my heads in the right place, I feel like I'll be ok tomorrow, as long as I can not allow myself to get upset, I don't know, I can't really worry about how upset or down I might get cause then I start to think why even bother trying, it will only last a couple days anyway. I don't know, I need this to work out, I just don't know how I will ever make it permanent. I guess really I just need to try and keep myself motivated, which is hard sometimes.

[smallstar]

hey star

You will get there hun, its not easy, we all know that, but the fact you keep trying, well that says a lot. Ok. so you slipped up. but your back on track again, and well maybe this time will work.

Your determination to succeed, is something that you should be proud of yourself for. Try not to look at it negatively, it will only make it harder for you.

We are all so very proud of you, and I am sure you will manage to beat this, one step at a time.

Were here for you hun, and Im silently supporting you from a distance.

take care
Jj

hey Jj, thanks :)
thanks for always being a friend to me. Your support motivates and encourages me.

[Tony J]

How are you today smallstar ?

It's raining here. Blah.

[Claire Saenz]

Hey smallstar,

Just saw that you'd checked in again, and I'm so glad to hear from you! I agree with what everyone else has been writing, but I thought I'd add another idea or two.

One is that you keep writing about stopping the pills "forever". While this is the ultimate goal of course, there's nothing wrong with breaking that down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Sometimes those chunks might be really short, like 5 minutes, or an afternoon, or a day. So instead of saying "I am never ever going to take another pill" you can say "I'm not going to take a pill today."

Another thought...it seems to me that you are really getting blown away by urges, which is understandable because urges can be VERY strong and can seem impossible to resist. But they happen. They happen to every single person who has ever quit an addiction! So if you keep telling yourself that you can't do this until the urges go away, well, you are kind of setting yourself up. Instead, why not try planning for the urges?

First, you can create an urge log where you write down when you have your urges and what you are doing or thinking when they start. This will give you an idea of what's going on with you, what your difficult times of day are and what thinking patterns set you up to use. You can say to yourself, "gee, I usually get urges at ______ time of day or when ________happens"...and then you can actually expect the urge, not get caught off guard.

Then, you can create a plan for when you get an urge. Think about how you've dealt with urges successfully in the past, and do that. Maybe it helps to go for a walk or write in a journal or even to us!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that urges are just that: urges. They aren't in control unless you let them be. Get to know them. Plan for them. Eventually you will master them, and they will weaken and go away.

Claire

[smallstar]

Well I have made a big mess again and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to have to rely on an illegal narcotic that I can't always get. I want to be okay just being me. I don't want to feel like I can't go through a day without putting some substance into my body. I don't even allow my mind to try. I was doing good for a while. Now I'm worse off than before. I didn't think I would let this happen. But of course I did, why wouldn't I? I need to get in the right frame of mind to fix this again, I can't seem to get there. I haven't allowed myself to think about it much. Maybe if I can start thinking again about just how badly I screw everything up, and allow myself to think again, don't just push the thoughts away. Whatever, I guess eventually something has to work, I have to make a good decision for once in my life, somehow not be this person. I guess I just need to learn to think right.

[SweetSue]

hi star :)

I disagree, I dont think you have made a big mess of things again. I know that you have had and are having a extremely harsh time at the moment, and have turned to your only way that you have learnt of coping. This does not mean that you have made a mess of things hun, making a mess of things would be when you slip and dont try to get back up again. Yet here you are once again, trying to pick yourself up. your determination to try beat this is amazing. I am so proud of you :)

I dont know, is there any advice that could help you on line, or maybe even on line support groups percifically that deal with this, that can help you, maybe it could be worth a try ?

Sorry I dont have any words of wisdom just wanted to try to give you a little encouragement.

Hang in there star, we are all with you trying to help, any way that we can.

take care
sue

[JulianP]

deleted....

[smallstar]

..........

[Claire Saenz]

Smallstar,

I have not been writing much on this forum but have been watching to see if you'd "show up" again. I am glad to see your post.

I am wondering if you could bring us up to date on what has been happening with you. I see that you wrote something last night and then erased it. I am concerned about you right now and would really like to know what is going on.

Claire

[smallstar]

Hi claire, thanks for your message, that is kind of you.
It's just a struggle, that's all. I know I need to quit for good, but can't make it a solid decision in my head. Am too convinced I need them, can't be okay without them. Need to find a way to make that not true. Just have a fear that I will never get past this. I have screwed up and it's permanent. I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what. Today is the third day without, but I didn't make this choice, it just happened, but I am trying to now make it my choice. But at the same time I am being pulled in two different directions, how badly I want it, how badly I don't. I got a text earlier and went running just be disappointed in the end, it hit me hard. But it shouldn't have because part of me didn't even want to go, I was upset and mad at myself for going, but then when it didn't work out it was worse, but it shouldn't have been. I know that if I could think right I could have more control over this. I just can't keep my head in one place.

[smallstar]

If nothing else, at least I have once again learned I can do without. So it is totally a decision I have to make.