shutting down

[danni]

I can't do this work. It's too hard. I'm on empty.......really numb. I guess I'm giving in to the depression. I quit therapy. Allowing myself to feel emotions and try to talk about them was too difficult. Almost cried one day. (That is something I do not allow myself to do.....I'm not willing to give up that much control!!) I feel like I'm going through the world on auto-pilot.

Addressing my past is so painful!! All those feelings that I pushed down all those years are excruciatingly hard to acknowledge. I don't even want to admit them, much less feel them.

I kinda feel like I'm losing my identity even entertaining the idea that so much of what I thought and believed about myself may not be true. If it's not my fault, if I wasn't the cause, that almost takes away the last bit of myself that existed back then. It makes me a nothing. Helpless.....hopeless.

So.....now what? Where do I go from here? I'm so confused.....so tired....

[finding my way]

danni I'm so sorry you hurt so bad :(:(.

You had way too little to build a healthy identity on growing up. That is just a plain fact. Can you have compassion for yourself in that harsh reality? You are GOING to dissassociate from you in that pain. It IS too much. That doesn't mean quit, though. When things are too much, like right now, do what you can to rest. It IS going to feel like nothingness. Be with you in the nothingness if you can. And if you can't, distract yourself, and come back later.

What you are attempting to heal is sooo hard. Let us hold you and the young you that experienced it all. We honor both of you. We will be here. There are times when it is too hard for you to stand by the young you, and we will hold her for you. Rest if you can, danni.:(

[SweetSue]

"so ..... now what ? Where do I go from here ? I'm so confusedI;...so tired...."

You need to fight, thats what you need to do, find all your reserve energy and put up a fight. Try your hardest not to let the Depression take over.

The feelings that you are experiencing are painful, excrutiating, and damn right impossible to believe in your heart thet you will ever be able to come to terms with what has happened, I know this, understand it totally. Try your damndest not to let the Depression take your life over.

Once it gets a grip it is so much harder to fight it. Believe in yourself, try and believe that you did not deserve the shit that has happened to you. That you deserved better, that it was in no way your fault.

Try and find the courage and seek the help that you deserve. Go back to your therapist and talk, talk your heart out, get the help that you need to recover.

The thing about living your life on auto pilot, is that sooner or later you crash.
Get the help that you deserve and need. Things can and will get better , over time, never give up.

I lived that way for years, and I ended up crashing, big tiime. I wish that I had the courage to seek out the help. before it became too late, and it cost me dearly.

I wish you luck
Take care
Jj