Overthinking?

[sbio87]

I tried writing this out a few times, but none of the posts I wrote really conveyed what I wanted to say, so let me try to state this as simply as possible.

I overthink things. Especially when it comes to relationships, I dwell on minute details of every action, every word, and end up drawing ridiculous conclusions from these examinations. Combined with self-esteem issues, this ends up being emotionally encumbering far too often.

Whenever I'm "blown off", for whatever reason, I end up taking the worst possible reason I can think of and blowing it out of proportion. For example, I was supposed to spend time with a guy I've been seeing today after he got out of a doctor's appointment, but he ended up contacting me and telling me he was really tired, and stressed for a trip that's coming up, and he didn't think "today would work".

Although that sounds pretty basic enough, if you combine it with all the other little details that I see, it starts to drive me crazy.

- We haven't known each other THAT long, but his trip that's coming up (Wednesday) is for eight weeks, where we'll have practically no contact.
- We spent a lot of time together when we first met, but lately, it seems like he's been avoiding contact with me at all.
- It seems, specifically, like he's been avoiding contact with me since the first we had sex.
- Our plans weren't strenuous; we had planned to just sit around and watch a movie, or something like that.
- He had to drive a half hour from his house to his doctor's appointment... which is less than five minutes away from my apartment. So it's not like he wasn't already in the area.
- He usually calls, but he only text messaged me to tell me that he wasn't coming over.

I could keep going, but I hope this at least highlights what I'm trying to explain.

And just overthinking things wouldn't be as much of an issue, but then I tend to overreact as well. I've been emotionally dependent on other lately, it seems, and I get almost distraught when things like this happen, and I start hyperventilate. I nearly had a panic attack today when he "blew me off", and it really has been a culmination of the past few days of me overthinking every conversation we've had. And I shouldn't get like that, but I don't even know what to do.

Any thoughts or advice? I can try to clarify, if this is too random or confusing.

Thank you.

[Anonnymous]

well it seems that you may have some anxiety issues that only a trained therapist would be able to help you identify and resolve. Also, ( now this is purely my thoughts ) if you know yourself, other people's behavior has less of an effect on you. We can not be all things to all people but we can be ourselves and hope for the best. One day you will find someone who is right for you and there will be no doubt in your or your mate's mind. When you get to feeling panicky try and focus your thoughts on one particular theme, like breathing, your favorite place, a picture or what ever you like. The main point is to focus. There are a number of self help techniques available online and your therapist will be able to provide you some insight.;)

[Mark]

sbio87

There's this neat concept in psychology called "repression-sensitization', which describes ways that anxious people tend to cope. Repressors cope with denial, while sensitizers cope by looking for every detail they can think of and trying to assemble them into a most complete picture of what they are faced with so as to best anticipate every possible danger. Sound familiar? :) (don't worry too much; I'm a sensitizer myself - most people lean one direction or the other, except for those blessed to not be anxious much at all).

Cognitive behavioral therapy was *made* for overthinking people like yourself. We can teach/practice the basic restructuring exercise here if you want to (let me know).

I suggest that you interrupt your worry sessions with a hearty "who cares!". If you pull your head up and get just a little perspective, you'll see that what seems like a big problem is really not so big. Life is short. If your boyfriend is avoiding you, that may be a sign that "hes just not that into you", and if that is the case, then move on and find a new boyfriend. And be okay with being alone in the interrum. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[sbio87]

Anonnymous, thanks for the advice. I do try to calm myself down with different techniques when I seem to be panicking, and they work, to an extent. If I begin to hyperventilate I can usually control my breathing enough that it doesn't really affect me. Mental concentration is a much more difficult task, however, especially since I link thoughts and ideas very easily, and usually wind up somehow linking whatever I'm thinking of to my current situation.

The issue of "finding the mate that's perfect for me is a frustrating subject for me too, mostly because of my sexuality (I'm openly gay, which I guess is something you couldn't quite get from my original post). It seems to be getting harder and harder to find someone in "the community" who is looking for the same thing you are, especially since there's no legal way to "authenticate" your relationship in my state. I guess that's an entirely different matter, though.

Mark, thank you, too. It sounds like you hit the proverbial nail on the head; that sounds exactly like what I do. I'm familiar with the concept of CBT, but I'm very interested in learning more about it.

After far too much job-hunting, I'm actually starting a full-time position tomorrow morning. I think the distraction will help me as well, because too much free time just makes me think through things even more, heh. And I understand your sentiments regarding relationships, too. Not surprisingly, I was wrong about his motives and feelings, which just proves that I do try to rationalize things too much.

Thank you for your responses.

[Anonnymous]

good luck with your new job:)