Bring me solutions! Not problems! [Archive]

nearlydead

10-26-2009, 01:00 AM

"hose rigid thought patterns are tough to break."

They are, but it must be done some how.

"I couldn't function because I was fearful of my small size. There was no way I was going to let her see me limp so I made some excuse not to have sex with her. That is the only date I have ever been on and I have not been on a date since."

This ED, is it performance anxiety, can you get it up in the morning/duuring the night? (edit: Just re-read your post, it is only in the brain) So you made the decission not to go through with it. Did she see your size? Sounds like you let fear get the better of you, and then have beat yourself up about it eversince, without getting a womans opinion on YOUR size as against just heraing the usaul teen womans randon, inexpierenced chatter. 6yrs later, maybe it is time to draw a line and conciestly force yourself to forget about it, kinda push it from your mind.

"a hooker just wants my money and is not looking to enjoy herself so she has no expectations of me."

Why not transfer this thinking to ordinary women? As we have said before, and the whole gist of that article is to stop focussing on their pleasure and focus on your own. I printed off that article and read it a couple of times a day, I'm going to learn it of by heart.

You are right, the only way is to get back out there and keep trying. But before you go, you can get yourself fully prepared. Get the idea of "your pleasure" firmly implanted in your mind, get the pills and try them first, buy some condoms made for your size and practice putting them on and wearing them until they no longer feel strange.

Recluse

10-26-2009, 08:09 AM

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IrmaJean

10-26-2009, 02:11 PM

So My question is, I'm aware of my "Rigid thinking, and thoughts" but how do I go about breaking them, and more importantly BELIEVEING in what I will be telling myself in the future when those rigid thoughts are backed up by various written surveys, articules, forums, and my own sometimes conflicting expeierences.

Maybe try letting go a little and allowing more positive thoughts as at least a possibility. This is easier said than done, I know. Try living in the moment and allowing joy in the moment. I think sometimes we get into a pattern of protecting ourselves so much from any potential pain that we forget to just live. Try realizing that any person you might be with is also a flawed human being likely with her own insecurities. I think maybe you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be someone other than who you are. How about just appreciating the person you are and just being? What positive traits do you have to offer? Think about those.

I also think that life is what we make of it. If you want something you have to go after it... or valuable time will always be slipping away. It's about being proactive instead of reactive.

Nearlydead, what is exactly that you think has kept you from trying with women? Fear of the pain of rejection? Fear of loss?

Recluse, I don't know if pills and prostitutes are the real answers in this. The key is believing in and accepting yourself, I think. Perfomance anxiety is likely just a symptom in this.

lifeless existence

10-26-2009, 02:51 PM

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malign

10-26-2009, 03:04 PM

Can we look at it this way? There's no statistical evidence that proves that I'm a worthwhile human being, either. I've had my share of difficulties believing it, at times, though you may not feel my "reasons" are valid.

I'm stuck having to believe it, or not believe it, for myself, just like everyone else. Now granted, you guys have received some pretty negative input about yourselves, but in the end, you have that same question to answer.

Personally, I don't believe the answer comes from outside of me, whether that's statistics or how I look or what my IQ or skin color or whatever says to other people about me. It has had to come from inside of me, in the face of an abusive spouse as well as all the bullshit I already believed about myself in order to marry her. So personally, without discounting your reasons at all, I do believe that we all are worthwhile human beings. Even if the statistical odds of you believing me aren't all that high. ;-)

lifeless existence

10-26-2009, 03:21 PM

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Recluse

10-26-2009, 03:41 PM

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nearlydead

10-26-2009, 05:39 PM

Recluse, maybe drop the hookers, but keep the pills. You seem pretty fired up about the "look after yourself" stratergy, so go with what works. Once you've had some success, change the stratergy for the better.

Lifeless, agreed, that the above stratergy is not the ideal, but as someone who is so focussed on relationships being built on what YOU must do, what women require etc You may benefit by taking a smaller part of the idea, which is "shift the focus of what you should do, over to what COULD she do for you" (Little steps;)

Irma, I struggle with the whole "Joy, live in the now/moment" stuff, because the "now" i'm living is pretty crap, if I lived now feeling joy from such a crappy situation, then I would class myself as totally mental. The only way for me to move forward, is to believe there is a forward, will I be happy if I get there I dont know. Inaction over the last 10 yrs had pretty much killed me, if I am to survive, I need a job sharpish. I need to take action NOW.

nearlydead

10-26-2009, 06:01 PM

This isn't about me wanting to accept myself. This is about me wanting to be accepted by someone else so that I can have a relationship instead of always being alone. Everyone says that you have to accept yourself first. But even if you are able to accept yourself, as long as someone else won't accept you, then you're still going to be alone.

This isn't about me wanting to accept myself. For YOU it is not, but for you to make a move forward, a degree of self acceptance IS required. You cannot carry on hating yourself, and expect another to then love you.

This is about me wanting to be accepted by someone else Not everyone will accept you, but SOMEONE will. You just dont believe it because you dont accept yourself. So you need to accept yourself a little more than you do.

IrmaJean

10-27-2009, 12:43 AM

I really hate when I spend a half hour writing and then my computer just shuts off...:mad:

I'll try again.

This is where I'm at too. There is infinitely more information out there that says we're not acceptable than there is that says we are. Others say that we're wrong and that we can find someone to accept us, but it's just their opinion and they can't offer any solid proof to back it up. So why should I believe them?

I wonder why you are looking for external sources to "prove" that you are acceptable? Facts, numbers, and statistics don't define your worthiness. Acceptance needs to be internal, from within yourself. Loving another has a whole lot to do with yourself. It's about coming to a realization of what you have to offer and then wanting to give your gifts to others. Love and acceptance from within makes you more available to receiving love from another.

I know I've asked this before, but why give the size of one part of your body so much power? Isn't it what's inside that counts most? It sure is to me. If given the choice between a kind-hearted man who happened to have MP and a mean-spirited man who had porn movie proportions, I'd pick the kind-hearted guy every time.

This is where we differ. I think wanting to be a good lover and concerning yourself with your partner's pleasure is one of the keys to a happy relationship, no matter what size penis you have.

But allowing yourself to receive is a gift you give to others as well. The women will likely want to please you as well. If you are so focused on their pleasure maybe you're taking some away from what they have to offer to you.

Nearlydead, what I meant by allowing the joy is that I feel some of you are suffocating any opportunities for joy as an attempt to protect yourselves from potential pain.

On a personal note, I think my H is a little insecure about this as well. He doesn't talk about it, but I know he has used the pumps and to be honest, I did NOT enjoy those experiences. It just wasn't him and I wanted him...

Maybe the best way to understand this is to take a long, hard look at it and try and to see the whys behind it.

Why does having a penis that you perceive as "less than average" make you feel that you are unacceptable? How is it that you feel having any particular size defines you and your worthiness of acceptance?

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 01:15 AM

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IrmaJean

10-27-2009, 01:51 AM

Again, because the comments and surveys tell me that I'm unacceptable to most women.

If you feel up to it, I want you to try and go deeper with this. Usually when I feel the internal struggle that you have described, it means I've been triggered and something big is there to unlock.

You feel it means that you are unacceptable to women...but why are you unacceptable to you? Why are you unacceptable to you in this way?

It could be that you are unconsciously using these surveys as a defense to getting to the real reasons why this seems to mean so much to you. It's likely painful to go there. I always liken it to walking into a burning house. But inside the flames are where the answers lie.

Maybe you need to take a breather at the moment, though. Look at it when you feel strong enough.

nearlydead

10-27-2009, 05:40 AM

If you feel up to it, I want you to try and go deeper with this. Usually when I feel the internal struggle that you have described, it means I've been triggered and something big is there to unlock.

You feel it means that you are unacceptable to women...but why are you unacceptable to you? Why are you unacceptable to you in this way?

It could be that you are unconsciously using these surveys as a defense to getting to the real reasons why this seems to mean so much to you. It's likely painful to go there. I always liken it to walking into a burning house. But inside the flames are where the answers lie.

Maybe you need to take a breather at the moment, though. Look at it when you feel strong enough.

For me the survey and anecdotal eveidence represents "the truth" gathered from far more woman than I could ever sleep with. As most of us men are more practicle than emotional, facts laid out with scientific authoritiy have way more wieght for us, than emotional statements as "joy, accept yourself" even to the point where these glib comments can drive us mad with rage, I dont even know what joy and all that is supposed to mean.

The truth appears to be from all thesurveys, forum quotes etc is that for women sleeping with smaller men, penis size matters, they would prefer larger because it feels more pleasuable. That fact cuts like a knife to us, to the point where some of us allow it to ruin our lives. To the point where the likes of myself and Lifeless have completely retreated from life all together, because of pain fear Shame etc. When Mrs Small posts that she loves her husband for 25 yrs but then loves his new bigger dick, that proof has far greater impact on us, than Irma saying It does'nt matter, by the power of 100 to 1.

The above is my emotional self talking, logically from ixpeirence I know like Mr Small I can and have given a woman great sex, and like Mr Small even with a small size I could have a long term successful relationship. (25yrs years, you get less for murder) But even though we can aknowledge that pratical expeirence we still dont fully accept it, especially when the opposite is constantly being represented in survey's and forum posts. Its like putting a plaster over and amputation.

But we are where we are. The only method is "self acceptance" even though I dont truly undersstand it, dont know how to go about getting it, and also knowing that it is like some kind of unattainable holy grail, even if I did gain complete self acceptance to the point where I was happy with myself (I'm laughing now) It will only take one woman who prefers a larger penis to completely bring me back to the real world. So for us, I truly beleive this problem is unbeatable. But I would also like to believe that I could one day get to a place where it is not as debillitating as it is now. My target would be "sorta" happy.

"Please bear with me everybody. I'm listening. I'm listening and forcing myself to be open to what you're saying. My mind is resisting so hard and the internal struggle is really unpleasant."

Progress at last! Keep writing, keep reading, keep thinking things through, and continue to try seeing things differently. Well done you.

IrmaJean

10-27-2009, 05:58 AM

nearlydead

10-27-2009, 07:28 AM

In the past it's always been difficult for me to let my positive side out for fear of eliciting annoyance in another with my optimistic views. I really don't want to drive anyone mad with rage. I promise that my comments are not insincere, though. It's really me. You're right in that men think more about facts than emotions, in general. I hate to think of hope as a 1 in 100 power, though. I've experienced pumped up H and didn't like it at all. It was unfamiliar and not my husband.

Your optimism is much needed here. It is good to hear a polar opposite view.
1 in 100: I meant that one negative fact/comment has 100 times the negative effect on us as, one positive comment which is usually then dismissed out of hand.

I accept the "self acceptance" is key, even though I do not truly know what it is. But when I am told "joy, hope, faith, love is two beings joined together, sharing a deep meaningfull emotional bond sharing caring blah blah etc" It just sounds a bit "star trek" and not in the real world of hard facts and expeirencce (My expeirence).

I think when you talk about sex, you are talking about making love, and the emotional female side of sex, as an expression. When I talk of sex, I mean anilmalistic hot sweaty passionate shagging. I have never made love to a woman, I have only had sex. I cannot make love to a woman before having had sex with a woman first, the only way I could do this is "love at first sigh" which is a fairytale.

ASchwartz

10-27-2009, 08:08 AM

Hi Nearlydead,

Making love to the woman you love is both the "animalistic sex" along with the love and caring. They go together. What are your thoughts about that?

Allan

Nuckin-Futs

10-27-2009, 08:52 AM

I have been following these discussions since they began. I have an idea, which I will get to once I say a few things here. To the gentlemen who are suffering; and I truly believe that you men ARE suffering. Each and every one of you are suffering in your own personal ways, and I do not believe that one has it "Worse" than the other. Suffering is suffering.

I have been so "Interested" in these discussions that I have taken to researching it further on other sites. I have spent hours reading and it truly breaks my heart. It appears to be huge and widespread. Even though it appears that MANY men suffer with a small penis, there is still a whole host of problems that accompany that. Those "Problems" seem to range from low self esteem to thoughts of suicide or actually successfully taking ones own life.

I can understand the feelings of inadequacy and how those would come about. I understand how one would view themselves as "Defective". I empathize with the shame factor and can not even begin to imagine the damage that such a shame would do to a perfectly good soul. I can only imagine the crippling shame and humiliation that lingers long after a woman (Or man) has publicly (Or privately) turned your "Manhood" into a laughing stock amongst friends and strangers.

I have actually sat here and cried while reading the pain, shame and self hatred that you gentlemen so willingly share of yourselves. It is heartbreaking when you get to witness ANY human being that carries that level of hurt and sadness - each and every second of every day.

In sharing your lives here - if nothing else, I swear to God that I will NEVER make fun of the size of a mans penis. When I meet a man who has a small or smaller than "Average" sized penis, I will NEVER discuss that with my friends or his. I will do everything I can to make him feel "Bigger" in the areas that truly count. I will love him for WHO he is and not what resides in his underpants.

All that being said here is my "Idea"
As a woman,I can most certainly see this working - for both the man and the woman. Imagine for a moment that you just set your penis aside. Do not let it stop you from meeting a woman. Just let the meeting of the woman happen. Let's not even think about sex for right now, just focus on "Dating".

Go out to eat, to the movies, a day at the beach - whatever. If you "Click" as people, you will go out again together. Continue getting to know each other. Talk, laugh, share and have some fun. As time goes on, hold hands, snuggle while watching a movie. Enjoy each others company.

Keep your penis out of it. Keep your conditioned self hatred out of it and just enjoy being with each other because you like each other as human beings.

When discussions of sex or more intimate touching begins to occur - simply tell her that you are not ready for that commitment just yet. Explain that you have been severely damaged in the past. Not just hurt, but DAMAGED.

No one HAS to have sex with someone on the first date or even on the 100th date. Take things slowly. Sex is sex and it requires very little. So little in fact that it doesn't even require that another person be present. Sex can be had in the shower all alone. But making love is ENTIRELY different.

In order to make love, one has to have an emotional attachment. If that attachment is not there it is strictly sex. So all these "Dates" that you have gone on, all the alone time you spent together, the kind gestures of opening doors or a greeting card "Just because", the sharing, laughing, getting to know each other, the building of a relationship, the holding hands, falling asleep in her arms, watching her as she sleeps, wiping her tears and her wiping yours and the bond that is forming between the two of you - nurture it all.

When it is time for the act of making love, this is where all of the previous "Steps" will benefit that outcome. It is at this time that you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with her. You can be very frank and very honest about your penis size, how it has affected your life, relationships, self esteem, self worth. Share with her to the very bottom of your soul and do not leave anything out.

If she has stayed with you for this long, enjoyed your company, your personality, your demeanor and everything else about you; It means that she is falling in love with your PERSON.

You can go online together and look at pictures of penis'. Point some out that looks similar to yours. And by doing something like this, once you do take off your clothes that first time, there will be no "Surprises" She will know exactly what to expect as SHE would be the one saying "It doesn't matter to me what size it is." SHE will be the one who decided (After given all the "Information") that she wishes to make love to you.

And you don't have to just jump into bed that very second. You can discuss "Toys", oral pleasure, penetration, different positions. You can discuss what each of you enjoy - and what you don't enjoy. Plan it all out. Making love and talking about prior is nothing to be embarrassed, shy or insecure about.

Discuss, as a couple, how you both can satisfy each other. Discuss it all before you actually make love for the first time. Be ready to discuss it as you are actively making love. Do not make love in silence!!! Tell her what you like and don't like and have her do the same. Have some toys ready for vaginal penetration and switch between that and your penis. Make things interesting and enjoyable. For MOST women it is clitoral stimulation that is going to "Get the job done" Do it well!!!

Please, SOMEONE out there, just one of you gentlemen; take the risk and go MEET a woman whom you think you could have a relationship with. CREATE that relationship, nurture it and then make it happen. Be honest and open about your penis when the time comes. But don't move too quickly. Allow enough time to pass that you actually "HAVE" something with each other FIRST.

Discuss EXACTLY what she should expect once your pants are removed. IF she knows this ahead of time, it is HER decision to take the relationship to the next level.

If she does not wish to proceed, she has never seen you naked and the chance of outright humiliation is slim to none. At that point even you could actually tell her that you are hung like a horse but wanted to see just how shallow she is before committing. :) And then you do it again. You find another woman and you form a relationship and be honest and up front when the time comes so there are no "Surprises"

EVERYONE has pre-conceived ideas and expectations, not just in the area of sex or making love, but in all life's situations. Smash any pre- conceived ideas or thoughts by letting her know exactly what to expect.

And I KNOW that there are woman out there who will love you for YOU!!! The "Trick" is to allow that to happen BEFORE the penis comes out to play. Because once someone is in love with another person, things like weight, blemishes, size, deformities, etc become unimportant.

People fall in love with people, they do not fall in love with a penis, testicles, vagina or breasts. It is the PERSON that we fall in love with. Some of you men are very young and it is heart wrenching to think that you will spend your entire lives in turmoil because you were given a penis that you despise. A penis that is viewed as inadequate. One that causes much more pain than it does pleasure.

And the older men here; I am so sorry that you have endured all these years of pain and suffering. It is NEVER too late, or I hope to God that it isn't. It just can't be too late.

I want to thank each one of you for courageously sharing your stories, your pain, shame, anger, hurt, hatred, fears, humiliation. Thank you for sharing it all so openly and honestly. I have learned a lot and I will never shame, humiliate or judge a man in this way. Not ever.

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 11:48 AM

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nearlydead

10-27-2009, 11:51 AM

Hi Nearlydead,

Making love to the woman you love is both the "animalistic sex" along with the love and caring. They go together. What are your thoughts about that?

Allan
If you love the woman you are with, then yes you can have both.

If you do not love the woman you are with, you can enjoy anilmalistic sex. But it cannot have the emotional content of loving sex that Irma and Nutz state. Although you can still express love and caring with out feeling it.

I have never loved anyone, not even my parents. I think I am incapable.

4 women have told me they loved me, and I had good sex with all of them. But I have never loved them. I understand the difference between "making love" and "shagging" but have only expeirenced one. I do not feel like I have missed out in anyway.

In your article that I linked to above, you mention mindfulness meditation, do you have any links to further information about this technique.?

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 11:52 AM

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nearlydead

10-27-2009, 12:51 PM

Nuckin, thanks for your post and welcome.

Your version of dating, and building a relationship slowly that leads to sex, is not what women under 70 expect today. I have tried to hold off sex with women. Each time they have wanted to know whats wrong.

Every woman I have slept with, is a witness to my size, and then an opinion, good or bad or indifferent. Therefore has the potential to ruin what ever social circle I build, and what ever confidence I may of gained, by simply opening her mouth, usually without thinking about concequences for men like me.

Your scenario for dating may of been socially acceptable in 1949, but not in 2009. If I took my time, held off from sex to build a relationship to the point of being comfortable about confessing my fears, I guarantee the average woman would think I was gay, or there was something wrong with me. How many women would I have to humiliate my self with to find the woman you talk of.

If you had a double mastectomy, would you recommend the smae method of dating. How would you feel at the moment of the "Reveal" Sexy? Confident? No? Think then how hard it is to then be able to get and erection at that point. Dating or "falling in love" is a rotten game no matter how you spin it.

Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:06 PM

no longer relevant

malign

10-27-2009, 01:08 PM

Well, as a forty-something guy who plans to return to the dating scene eventually, I'd like to say my idea of dating is much like Nuckin's, and I tend to aim a little younger than 70. :-)

Of course, you don't have to do things that way, but it's not quite as ludicrous as you make it sound. If she asks why you're going slow, you could just say that you want to get to know her better. If she thinks that makes you gay, perhaps the problem is in her perceptions.

nearlydead

10-27-2009, 01:14 PM

I have some expierence with meditation, using it to slow my heart rate. I did this for a time when through SCUBA I got into Apnea Diving, or breath hold diving. I used to be able to slow my heart rate down quite a bit, enabling me to dive alot deeper on one breath. But what is the "mindfulness" part?

I've been posting all day, today. I have thought of nothing else but small penis, small penis all day. I think im driving myself mad to day.

Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:20 PM

no longer relevant

nearlydead

10-27-2009, 01:30 PM

Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:36 PM

Or you can tell her you are gay and ask her to try and change you.

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 01:41 PM

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Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:47 PM

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lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 01:51 PM

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Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:53 PM

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lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 01:54 PM

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Recluse

10-27-2009, 01:55 PM

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malign

10-27-2009, 02:02 PM

Yeah, but I was describing what I actually do with women. So, while it's certainly possible that women have spread rumors that I'm gay, it has never caused me any problems. Lots of variables, maybe different size cities or more restricted social groups, but I've never encountered that particular problem. It's difficult to generalize from my one experience, of course: my dating history is hardly typical. I was just saying that there are still guys who go about things that way.

And I don't mind people taking the mickey, by the way; I have plenty to spare. :-)

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 02:05 PM

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Recluse

10-27-2009, 02:08 PM

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malign

10-27-2009, 02:11 PM

Well, I understand the difficulties of small-town life (or I think I do), but you're also assuming that everyone believes every rumor that ever starts. Surely other men have been falsely accused of being gay, and survived it.

See, LE, you made the point elsewhere that it doesn't matter what you believe, but only what your potential partners believe. Yet, the only people who know what they believe is them. Your concept of what they believe has to be filtered through your own prejudice that you're just not good enough, and that's killing you, I know. I just wish I knew how to help.

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 02:21 PM

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IrmaJean

10-27-2009, 02:49 PM

I have never loved anyone, not even my parents. I think I am incapable.

:( That is so sad, Nearlydead. Why is that you think you are incapable?

I feel dead inside.

Is there anything that brings you joy? I know I asked about hobbies, but do you take pleasure in things such as listening to music? Maybe indulge yourself in some of those activities?

I'm glad that there is more support here today for everyone. I'm not sure I would recommend hiding part of yourself from anyone that you might be dating. Hiding this part of yourself, I would think, would reinforce the ingrained idea that something is wrong. And that is a perception that it would be advantageous to change.

Also, Nearlydead, why give so much power to the negative opinion? Doesn't each voice have an equal value...positive or negative?

lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 04:02 PM

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nearlydead

10-27-2009, 04:58 PM

"That is so sad, Nearlydead. Why is that you think you are incapable?"

Didn't grow up in that sort of home. I was close to friends, but still got shredded. It is not something I think about, look for, or miss. Girlfriends have said it to me, but I don't understand it or even care. Women can say it, but 6months later they can completely change their minds. I have lived 10 years in complete isolation, I say "thankyou" to the girls in the supermarket checkouts, thats my in the last 10 years. I dont really feel lonely. Prison solitary would be a walk in the park for me.

The women who have humiliated me to my face and to my friends helped ruin my life, imagine how much worse that would of been if I had loved them. Its the one thing that I am grateful for.

"Also, Nearlydead, why give so much power to the negative opinion? Doesn't each voice have an equal value...positive or negative?"

The negative opioinion gets shouted the loudest, hurts the most, and gets the most laughs. the negative opinion is the shame and the humiliation. The negative opinion of small size is backed up by facts as discussed.
Positive comments on me and my size have less value, because thats not what hurts. Positive is easily dismissed because their is no supporting eveidence that a small penis makes a man more desirable.

Recluse

10-27-2009, 08:04 PM

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lifeless existence

10-27-2009, 08:19 PM

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Recluse

10-27-2009, 08:48 PM

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IrmaJean

10-28-2009, 02:46 AM

That's two days in a row I lost what I typed. Yesterday my computer crashed and today I hit a button and POOF everything was gone. I'm a 2-finger typist...

ND, I had to laugh when you wrote about Star Trek and fairy tale romance. Am I really projecting myself on here that much? One of my hobbies is writing romantic fanfiction stories for Star Trek. LOL. :o

Tries again...

The negative opioinion gets shouted the loudest, hurts the most, and gets the most laughs. the negative opinion is the shame and the humiliation.

Your mind seems to focus on the negative. There must be some way to turn the volume down...an exercise perhaps...so that you will allow the positive to also have a voice in this. I wonder if having grown up feeling unloved might be playing a part in this. I know you say you don't feel as if you've missed anything...but sometimes when emotions are too painful to bear we can disassociate from them as a means of self-protection. I think maybe you have been doing this a lot in order to survive. I'm just speculating, of course. I'm just a cashier...

I'm very sorry that women have treated you poorly in the past. I personally would not put much weight in the opinions of those who treat others in this way. If she's being mean to you, she is likely mean to others. It doesn't reflect on you so much as it does her.

Positive comments on me and my size have less value, because thats not what hurts.

So you want to inflict pain upon yourself in this way? Do you feel that you deserve this type of punishment?:( I'm curious about how you felt when women told you they loved you. Did it feel good to hear this? Or did it make you afraid? Ambivalent?

LE, it sounds as if you are have difficulty relaxing. I can relate! When this happens to me, I have scenic DVDs that I watch. Maybe not your thing, though. Does your mind run a lot? I have some obsessive tendencies as well as my anxieties, so it is sometimes difficult to settle my mind down enough to sleep.

Hobbies are limited then? I think anything that gets the endorphins going right now might be advantageous. When I was feeling depressed, I'd try to focus on pretty things. Write a poem or something. I suppose that's girl stuff, though, huh? What about exercise then? A walk outside? A jog? I had a list of things at one time. Maybe I can find it.

I 100% agree that isolation is not good. People need to connect with others. Maybe try getting out in some way or at least put yourself around people and give yourself the chance.

LE, once before I asked you if you would accept someone with my flaws and you said yes. (I knew you would) I can't help wondering, though, if I deserve understanding and acceptance and gentle care, why not offer some of that to yourself?

Recluse, do you ever get out with your friends anymore?

nearlydead

10-28-2009, 04:33 AM

"ND, I had to laugh when you wrote about Star Trek and fairy tale romance. Am I really projecting myself on here that much? One of my hobbies is writing romantic fanfiction stories for Star Trek. LOL."
Hi Irma, this explain's everything!:D

"Your mind seems to focus on the negative. There must be some way to turn the volume down...an exercise perhaps...so that you will allow the positive to also have a voice in this."

As usual Irma, you are bang on with your observations. All of us have to shift our focus from the negative to the positive. We need one of the pro's to explain "an excercise" that we can practice. I read David burns book about CBT. The book is based on 10 types of twisted thinking. black and white thinking, discounting the positive, etc. All this helps with thoughts, but when your thoughts are backed up with reality it tends to fall down abit.

Basically how do I give more wieght to positive small penis thoughts, which have very little evidence as being true, V,s the negative thoughts that are generated from proven sources, and by greater numbers of women.

Its because of this, I equate any "cure of the mind" with the story of "The Empore's New Coat" Emperor goes out to meet the people wearing his invisible new coat (his new found confidence in his penis) only to meet a woman you then tells him he is just a naked fool. Who are we really kidding here?

Anyway this is my last post today, my Dielithium Crystals are worn down, leading to a Short in my conduit. Live long and Prosper Irma:D

ASchwartz

10-28-2009, 07:47 AM

Hi Nearlydead,

Please beam us aboard once you find your new supply of crystals.:D

Is there a way we could get to read your fiction? I know I would enjoy it.

Allan

lifeless existence

10-28-2009, 10:12 AM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 11:25 AM

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IrmaJean

10-28-2009, 02:33 PM

It is hard to give more weight to positive thoughts. My mind is usually in the negative. When I am depressed and unproductive I become even more negative as a result and it becomes a vicious cycle of sorts. I notice that when I have productive days it is easier to thwart some of the negative thoughts but not all of them. I wish there was a way to truly not care about the size of my penis. In order to do this, I have to truly not care about what the woman I am with thinks of me and I have to not care about her sexual needs as I equate a small penis as something that is inadequate for penetrative sex.

I think the goal, Recluse, might be to feel confident enough in yourself to not be so fearful of a woman's disapproval. And to not need another's approval for your own inner satisfaction. The first place to start would be changing your perception about yourself. All easier said then done, I know, but maybe try starting with baby steps. That's very difficult to even begin if you are so depressed that you won't allow yourself to believe in anything positive. Or at least in the potential for positive. Have you ever tried therapy? Does staying busy help?

LE, I think that you and I share some of the same difficulties. Did your therapist work with you on the obsessive thought patterns? Are the thoughts distracting and disturbing? Intrusive? I never even knew it was unusual because my mind has always been this way.

I posted a few links to my stories in The Lounge section. They're really sappy so don't read if that type of thing makes you gag or become mad with rage.;)

lifeless existence

10-28-2009, 03:13 PM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 05:28 PM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 05:31 PM

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nearlydead

10-28-2009, 05:57 PM

I know this sounds funny but if woke up with a penis of average girth tomorrow, I would be in the bar that night, or day for that matter, meeting women and I can tell you that many of my social phobias would go out the window that day.

True, I would be balls deep, hanging out the back of every bird in sight within hours:eek: If only the surgery was a reliable option. From the research on the surgery I have done there are some real horror storys with mutilation, loss of erectile function, and sensitivity etc.

They do seem to have made more advancement on improving length, than they have achieved with improving girth. Apparently girth is achieved through injecting fat, which seeps away into the bloodstream after a while. However, it does'nt seep away uniformely so you end up with an ugly bumpy cock.

I just hope I can still get it up, when they do find a reliable surgical cure.

Recluse

10-28-2009, 06:03 PM

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lifeless existence

10-28-2009, 06:06 PM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 06:09 PM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 06:09 PM

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Recluse

10-28-2009, 06:10 PM

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IrmaJean

10-28-2009, 06:36 PM

What I'm finding out now from these discussions is that I have so many emotional problems, even if I woke up tomorrow with a normal penis, I still wouldn't be acceptable to the opposite sex. What woman wants to be with a head case?

What you're doing here in looking at yourself is very courageous. Maybe try to be a little nicer to yourself? :( I really truly believe that everyone has their own issues. But you are brave enough to examine them. A positive thing.

I'm sorry that you didn't find a therapist who was helpful to you. That must feel very frustrating. Talk therapy worked very well for me, but everyone is different. It sounds as if you need a more goal-oriented and focused approach.

lifeless existence

10-28-2009, 06:53 PM

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IrmaJean

10-28-2009, 07:19 PM

Examining them is a place to start. Little steps.

I hope that you will stop attaching names to yourself. It reinforces negativity. You deserve better care. I know that you are hurting , but there is always hope. Everyone is flawed, LE. That's what makes us human. Your potential is in there. But in order to see it you have to allow some light into the darkness.

lifeless existence

10-28-2009, 07:28 PM

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IrmaJean

10-28-2009, 07:43 PM

The idea that someone out there would accept them all is preposterous.

You're worthy of acceptance flaws and all. You're worthy of acceptance. You're giving your flaws too much power in this. To me, having a caring nature would outshine just about anything else. And you have that. Give some power to that. Allow yourself to recognize the positive traits you have.

IrmaJean

10-29-2009, 03:36 PM

I know this sounds funny but if woke up with a penis of average girth tomorrow, I would be in the bar that night, or day for that matter, meeting women and I can tell you that many of my social phobias would go out the window that day.

Do you really and honestly believe that? That if any one of you woke up and had been changed in this one specific way that you would suddenly be different people? That the social anxieties and depression and negative thinking would just vanish? And if you did feel more confident, would that then be a result of your recent physical change or would the change really be in the way you felt about yourself?

Guys who are average or large don't even need to think twice about sexual confidence

You're making an assumption here that I doubt very much is true. I'd be willing to bet that there are plenty of ED patients that fit the "above average" description. Sexual confidence is something that comes from within. It's how you feel about yourself.

Just a few more thoughts I had today.

Recluse

10-29-2009, 04:24 PM

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lifeless existence

10-29-2009, 07:53 PM

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nearlydead

10-30-2009, 12:24 AM

A miracle op would not change me. It would improve my life no end though, with improved confidence to approach women again and enter into a sexual relationship again.

Had I been born normal however, my life would of been completely different to the one I have lived. I do not think I would of had the depression, hate, shame that has dogged my life, deffinately no prison, which affected all sorts of other areas of life. I would of lived with a woman, had kids, kept in touch with my family, and close freinds, I would not of lived as a recluse for the last 10 years, I would not be planning suicide, in short I would of had a far far superior life to the one I have lived. Small, has been my overiding thought for 30 years, every single day of it, and I'm sick of it.

Last night, I got on Friends reuited, facebook, checked out friends and people I once worked with. 6 have very successful business's, some have emigrated to Australia, nearly all are married with kids, my former best friends kids are now at university. My brothers children are nearly leaving school, I've only met them once.

I have wasted my entire life to my own misery, shame, anger, guilt. It truly looks like I have learnt nothing, my cock is still small, I still think about it everyday all day. Im a useless peice of scum. I think I know that the only real cure for this life is death. Kidding myself that I can accept myself, and get over this poxy shitty excuse for a carcass, and rebuild myself and a life, is bull. Effort V.s Reward = Waste of time.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 01:15 AM

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IrmaJean

10-30-2009, 03:11 AM

Your life is today. You can't get yesterday back, but you can make the most out of today and tomorrow. There will always be others who seem to "have it better". Try and stop comparing. Find the best in yourself and believe in that. You've all tried to help one another in here, so there is a caring aspect in all of you. That's a very valuable trait to have.

The point of the above questions was to bring to the light that this is not all about the size of your genitals. It's about accepting yourself for the people that you are. You change what you can change and you accept the rest as best as you can.

There are lots of women out there. You won't be able to discover new truths if you never try. Nothing in life is easy, but sometimes things happen when you least expect them to if you are open to new experiences. Maybe it feels safer to stay cocooned in your own misery, but the real joy in life is often found when you start taking chances. Safe risks, my therapist used to call them.

ND, when you hurt yourself with words like that it feels like an attempt to push others away. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here and I accept you.

ASchwartz

10-30-2009, 08:19 AM

Hi Everyone,

I want to give IrmaJean a big Thank You because she is trying so very hard to be honest and reassuring. And, it's great that her words are coming from a woman.

This is not about being right or wrong, believing or not believing that there is suffering going on. Its about wanting very much to help.

Thanks IrmaJean and I hope all of you are listening to her. She really means well. :)

Allan

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 10:55 AM

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malign

10-30-2009, 11:07 AM

LE, you don't "have to" put it into that perspective, but I can understand that you will. :-)

Especially when you make up the statistic of 99.9%; my observation is that most women, in fact, are quite understanding. Heck, a lot fewer men would care about another guy's size than you think. I do understand that that has not been your experience. I'm just saying that there's a possibility that your experience might be different if you kept trying.

You've gotta stop figuring in all your flaws, and start figuring in your advantages. But I can't "make" you do it.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 11:25 AM

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malign

10-30-2009, 11:30 AM

You mentioned before that you are trying to approach this stuff with an open mind, and I believe you. I just think it's difficult for you to think that way.

My suggestion would be, each time you begin a declarative sentence, like the ones in your last post, you insert "in my opinion" or "as far as I know".

Because I don't believe that your advantages outweigh your flaws, or that there's "no question" they'll stick out, or that you can be sure what women are looking for.

It might be difficult, it might make you angry at me for suggesting it, but I think it would help to allow the possibility of doubt about all these negatives you're beating yourself with.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 11:50 AM

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malign

10-30-2009, 12:07 PM

Yah, well, you know, that's debating. I'm not willing to debate your life with you, much less able. In fact, it's part of my point: questioning those assumptions has got to start with you, because I can't "prove" anything about your life. It's a matter of belief.

Definitely, though, I'm not saying you have to believe what I believe. I'm not actually interested in "telling you you're wrong"; that's not how I get my jollies. I'm saying that as long as you absolutely believe what you believe, you won't make any progress. As long as you're really thinking about what we say to you, it sounds to me like you've made a start, at least.

Recluse

10-30-2009, 12:23 PM

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lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 12:26 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 12:32 PM

LE, I know you guys are trying, and it doesn't bother me when you push back.

The thing I think you're missing is that belief is a matter of choice. And I don't expect to be able to convince you. ;-)

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 12:35 PM

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Recluse

10-30-2009, 12:37 PM

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lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 12:42 PM

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Recluse

10-30-2009, 12:45 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 12:50 PM

Sometimes. It's not my job telling you whether you're wise or not.
I've made my share of mistakes.

If it's wise, though, why are you struggling against it?

My guess is, because part of you isn't convinced. You didn't compile all those statistics to convince someone else of anything. Maybe it would only be fair to give the part that you're trying to convince equal time.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 12:55 PM

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lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 01:02 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 01:07 PM

Well, so we're still talking about that choice, then.

If you really wanted to believe what they told you, you'dve compiled all the arguments on the side of acceptance, because there are many such arguments, and IrmaJean and the rest of us have been trying to repeat those.

But the choice of which to believe came first, followed by the statistics to prove the rest of us wrong. Why do it in that sequence?

Recluse

10-30-2009, 01:12 PM

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Donna

10-30-2009, 01:22 PM

I know that it's a choice. My choice is based on research and personal experience. Is that not wise?

To be blunt when it comes to research especially then no i dont think it is wise. if you look around long enough you will find varying statistics for anything and everything regardless of who has done it whether it be universitys,medical or website research and 9/10 they forever change anyway.

Have you considered that often people will say what they think is the norm to say and are not fully honest, whether that be to researchers friends,people they have a grudge against fall out with or whoever, because as a rule people dont like to stand out in the crowd.

im not trying to detract from your main problem or demean it in anyway but you seem to refer and rely on that quite a lot so maybe it is worth considering those 'facts' might not be quite as reliable or as accurate as you think i thought i'd answer your question :)

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 01:24 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 01:29 PM

LE, why would I waste my time listing everything that's acceptable to me?
The only people who will bother to complain are those who have a complaint. You don't hear from all the satisfied customers at all. You know that that sampling bias exists, especially in surveys on a medium like the internet.

Anyway, I won't spend much time trying to do this based on the data and its quality. That doesn't matter to me, I won't be convinced anyway. :-)

I know there are risks, and that those risks have painful outcomes. That's true for everybody. It may be more true for you. But that's very different from 'impossible' and the other absolutes that keep creeping into this discussion.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 01:31 PM

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Recluse

10-30-2009, 01:31 PM

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lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 01:44 PM

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Donna

10-30-2009, 01:51 PM

maybe there isnt then but ive never looked for anything like that, i have however looked at many other things that have a 101 different statistics, why would that be any different.

this is a bit embarrasing posting this and maybe irrelevant i dont know, but quite a few years ago i met somebody and for the first few dates he never tried anything at all, that was something i had never come across before and was worried it was me! and wrongly or rightly i did whatever i could to change it.
in the end the situation kind of occured when it came to it he couldnt do it and burst into tears, i asked him what was wrong and he couldnt tell me i assumed it was because he had recently seperated from his last g/f, eventually he admitted that he struggled because he had hang ups about his penis size and was embarrased and his ex g/f became frustrated and felt she wasnt good enough.

He was really embarrased but i think he was relieved that eventually he could be open and honest, and we talked for a while, i'll be honest it was difficult for me too because it's a sensitive subject and i was scared of hurting him.
we did end up in the act (im phrasing it politely lol) it was awkward and difficult for him but after a few times his confidence grew,it turned out that he was 16 yrs old! not 20 as he had said so we finished i was 28 at the time and none too happy about it!

im not saying it was a miracle and no longer did he worry im sure thats not true and that it took some time, and im definately not special and dont believe for one minute that i had an awful lot to do with it.
but he was 16 yrs old and with a 28 yr old experienced woman that must have been very very difficult, but if he can manage to overcome it cant somebody older and probably more mature perhaps try to build up some confidence and get out there? i know it cant be easy and i know there will be knock backs there always is in life, but until you try and keep on trying you'll never get to do anything about it.
im sure - in fact i know that Irma and myself arnt the only women who dont give a damn about size.

btw where live is pretty small and ive seen him a few times with a cpl of different girls lke any typical guy his age and he always appears pretty confident with them.

im not very articulate sorry and i hope i havnt said anything offensive or totally missed the point, i just thought perhaps to give a perspective from the 'other side' might at least give you something to think about.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 02:26 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 02:36 PM

Talk about something you can change.

Sorry, but I had to.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 02:52 PM

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Recluse

10-30-2009, 02:59 PM

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malign

10-30-2009, 03:09 PM

Therapy is one way; there are others.
It's a learning process, that's all, and you don't quit learning at any point in your life.
Well, unless you refuse to. ;-)

Believe me, the vast majority of people here are recovering from one kind of developmental loss or another. We're affected in all sorts of ways, but the ray of hope for all of us is that we can learn.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 03:09 PM

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Recluse

10-30-2009, 03:10 PM

yeah, I meant the emotional maturity part as well

Recluse

10-30-2009, 03:13 PM

having my issue has prevented me from maturing the same way others my age have.

lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 03:22 PM

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lifeless existence

10-30-2009, 03:27 PM

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IrmaJean

10-30-2009, 09:50 PM

Years of intensive therapy that I can't afford (unemployed and uninsured). Not to mention that I don't want to live with the pain of loneliness throughout the years of therapy it would take to fix it so that someone would accept me. What are the other options? Anything quick? I've reached the end of my rope.

Maybe what you need to believe is that you're acceptable just as you are. And you are acceptable...just as you are. You're in a difficult place emotionally right now and there are also some aspects about yourself that you'd like to work on, but these things do not make you unworthy of acceptance...they make you human.

That's why the rest of society considers us all to be abnormal. It's not okay to have these kinds of problems. It's not desirable. That's why so many of us are alone.

LE, I don't think any of us here consider you or anyone on this particular board to be "abnormal". Everyone has difficulties. Everyone has traits that might be perceived as undesirable. But loving someone is about loving the whole person. Anyone who sets out to find "the perfect mate", a person who posesses all of the most desirable traits in their eyes, will likely be searching for a very long time. At the end of the day, real and enduring love is a love in which partners understand and recognize one another. And that means accepting "imperfections" as well. Once you feel in your heart that you are worthy of such love and acceptance, you will invite it from others. You project on the outside what you believe on the inside. You have to be open to believing in it.

robyn

10-31-2009, 01:20 AM

I think they do understand that everone has flaws. The point they make, and this echoes my familys experience, is that some flaws are worse than others. Mainstream society suggests height, wealth and size are integral to your 'coolness' or 'worth'. Having a lisp, a bald patch or big ears, although not desirable, are rarely 'deal breakers'.

What I would like to convey is that there are women who dont describe to this 'mainstream' mode of thinking and can be versatile and understanding. Because they are a minority their voices get drowned out so ND, LE and others quite logically distrust the idea of their existance. So its up to us to shout that bit louder! If others had done this in the past my own family would have had half the battles they have had.

IrmaJean

10-31-2009, 03:32 AM

I was talking in general about the acceptance of flaws. I would never even consider any particular genital size as a flaw. I would consider it part of the person and something that should be valued as such.

Mainstream society suggests height, wealth and size are integral to your 'coolness' or 'worth'.

I've never cared too much for what mainstream society deems as acceptable...as far as "coolness" or "worth" goes. I remember one time when a friend told me that I should wear makeup because that was what "society expected" of me. I told her that I didn't want to be the person that society expected me to be...I wanted to be me. I think when you believe in who you are and you value yourself as the person that you are,societies' "suggestions" about appearance and such no longer define you or have so much power in the choices you make.

lifeless existence

10-31-2009, 10:53 AM

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IrmaJean

10-31-2009, 12:22 PM

It only takes one...if she is the right one for you. But, again, you won't find her if you give up on yourself.

It helps to do something which makes one feel useful. Maybe volunteering like we talked about before? You have to get out there and try or things won't improve. I hope that you are still willing to try.

lifeless existence

10-31-2009, 12:32 PM

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IrmaJean

10-31-2009, 12:42 PM

:(

There's always a place to try. You just have to keep looking and you'll find it. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.

ASchwartz

12-01-2009, 06:45 AM

Hi Nearlydead,

I applaud you for using David Burns Feeling Good Handbook. It is true that using CBT on your own without psychotherapy can present challenges. That is why I suggest you try psychotherapy with a psychologist trained in CBT.

Actually, I really think any type of psychotherapy with a really good and well trained psychotherapist will be helpful to you.

Very fixed ideas are very resistant to change and that is why you did not find the handbook helpful. But, do not give up. In this case you are better off speaking to and working with a professional.

Allan

IrmaJean

12-10-2009, 01:44 PM

I was just wondering how all of you are doing? If any of you are still around? Nearlydead? Recluse? Lifeless? Brokenman? iwish6? Vinwalt? Robyn, how is your brother feeling?

Recluse

12-10-2009, 08:33 PM

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lifeless existence

12-10-2009, 08:44 PM

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Recluse

12-10-2009, 08:54 PM

What Lifeless said about sums it up. I'm sure I will vent here in the future but I have it out of my system for now.

IrmaJean

12-11-2009, 01:52 AM

I'm glad to hear that you are keeping it together, Recluse. It's great that you were able to make connections on here.

LE, I know you are feeling very down. I'm very sorry about that. :( I hope you get the right help this time around and can find your way out of this horrible depressive state you've been in for way too long.

It's good to hear from both of you. I hope things improve for you very soon.

ASchwartz

12-11-2009, 09:16 AM

Hi Lifelessexistence and all others here,

Lifelessexistence, here is your comment:

This is a hopeless situation. We're small, most women are disappointed with us, and it can't be fixed.

I want to repeat what others have said here. What they have said is that all that matters is having one woman who loves you and is satisfied with her sex life with you.

Not all women are the same. Not all women value the same thing. All you need is one woman who experiences you as big enough for her. She is out there. Despite what you think and despite your past experiences, that one woman is out there. You need to regain a sense of being hopeful.

Allan

nearlydead

12-14-2009, 04:48 PM

Hi all,
I still log in once in a while, hoping that someone has posted a miracle cure.

My rotten little maggot is causing me even more problems, resulting in me having to have my penis circumsized. I can have the operation performed on the day, and then be released from hospital the same day. However they require that I have a friend or family member available to release me from the hospital. Being a total recluse I have absolutely no one I can call on. The embarrisment of explaining that to the doctor was excruitating. He could not understand how I can know no one, family, friend, neighbour, workmate.

So at the age of 45 this poxy maggot is still causing me more grief than ever. I have to go into hospital, have nurses and doctors poke about looking at this thing, knowing I'm small and explain to more people face to face why I know no one, and for what, I still end up with a useless little cock, except uglier.

I curse the day I was born with this thing, hopefully I will die on the table, but I know I'm not that lucky. You guys in the US are so lucky to have access to guns. One clic and all this shit stops. The only true cure.

IrmaJean

12-14-2009, 05:09 PM

ND, you're hurting yourself again. :(

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this and felt embarrassed. I get the sense that you may be taking the discomfort of those feelings out on yourself.

What aspects about yourself do you like?

I hope the procedure goes well.

Recluse

12-15-2009, 09:36 AM

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ASchwartz

12-15-2009, 11:21 AM

nearlydead

12-15-2009, 11:58 PM

Hi Recluse and Nearlydead,

Nearly, why do you need surgery? What is the problem? Do you really have a parasite? It might be interesting for you to ask the nurses and doctors if they think you are small. They' will be inspecting you anyway.

By the way, Nearly, you must realize that the reasons for you being a social recluse have nothing to do with the size of your penis.

Allan:confused:

Surgery is required to correct phimosis, which is naturally occuring and not due to ballyanitis.

Medical professionals would describe my penis as normal, as they only recognize MP as small, all other penis's are regarded as normal. Same as medical professionals do not recognise a large penis. 3 women have told me to my face that I am small, another 4 have told their friends, and my former friends they thought I was small. Measuring myself at 4"X4" is small.

Dr Schwartz do you think a 4"X4" penis is small?

My being a recluse is as a direct result of my size, because size is the root of my depression. No matter how much I change my thinking, I will still have a small penis. By convincing myself that size does not matter is fine, untill the next woman who laughs or go's on to tell my social circle that it is small. Its the ridicule and sympathy that gets me the most. Couple that with performance anxiety impotence and you have the perfect reason not to engage with the world as a man.

Recluse and Irma, good to see your both here.

IrmaJean

12-16-2009, 01:55 AM

nearlydead

12-16-2009, 05:56 AM

I'm sorry about the insensitivity of some of the women you have been with. But why give the words of others so much power?

ND, if I've asked this question before, I apologize for repeating it. If, in your mind, you have decided that you are "small", how does that perception attach to your person? What is it about the perceived size of your penis that defines who you are as a person? I asked you before to share what you like about yourself. I know even from our limited internet contact, that you have a good sense of humor. What else? Aren't other aspects of yourself important too?

The comments have so much power because they are true, I have a small penis, women know it and then tell their friends and then it becomes common knowledge which leads to endless teasing, which with men ends with me punching them or with women, ends with me just walking out of the room and life. I have made three different social circles, only then for women to let it be known I an small, which lead to humiliation on a grand scale. People do not laugh at those unfortunate to have lost limbs etc. but a small penis is hysterically funny. It is not I who has decided I have a small penis, it is women to decide I am small, because I am small in comparrison to their other lovers. Even though I am small I have had good sex with some extremely attractive body concious women, models included. But the humiliation every time I drop my trousers is excruitating. The fact that this is then made public and a topic of conversation and derission among my peers in intolerable.

What do I like about myself? I have a dry sense of humour, I can talk and entertain a room, women say I am charming, courteious etc. My face is attractive in a "Bank robbers pit bull" kind of way, scarred but friendly ish.

My bad points are many, the vast majority of which, with hard work could be addressed. But this size thing has been with me since I was 13, and is proving immpossible to beat.

Unlike Rec and LL, I have at least been out there and scored some expeirence, I know even though I am small the majority of women I have had sex with have come back for more. However women do "kiss and tell" just as us men do, and it is this humiliation that I have allowed to ruin my life.

I cannot stand in a room full of men and women and listen to them taking the piss out of my size and ignore it as just "Fun".

IrmaJean

12-16-2009, 07:57 AM

The comments have so much power because they are true, I have a small penis,

If you see this as the truth why then does this perceived truth mean so much to you? If this part of you were different would it really change the heart and soul of who you are as a person?

...women know it and then tell their friends and then it becomes common knowledge which leads to endless teasing, which with men ends with me punching them or with women, ends with me just walking out of the room and life. I have made three different social circles, only then for women to let it be known I an small, which lead to humiliation on a grand scale. People do not laugh at those unfortunate to have lost limbs etc. but a small penis is hysterically funny.

I am very sorry that you have been treated with such cruelty. :( I am always saddened to hear of insensitive behavior such as this. Usually anyone who deems it necessary to deliberately say hurtful things to another person is attempting to push away their own insecurities about themselves. This behavior reveals something about them and likely has more to do with them than it does with you.

But the humiliation every time I drop my trousers is excruitating. The fact that this is then made public and a topic of conversation and derission among my peers in intolerable.

Maybe in your "presentation" you are exhibiting behavior that doesn't reflect self-confidence and this makes you more vulnerable to such comments from others. Maybe try feeling proud of your body? if you present yourself as awesome, you are more likely to be received in the same way.

What do I like about myself? I have a dry sense of humour, I can talk and entertain a room, women say I am charming, courteious etc. My face is attractive in a "Bank robbers pit bull" kind of way, scarred but friendly ish.

I can totally see that. Charming and courteous are great traits to have. Maybe allow yourself to "soak up" some of your own goodness?

My bad points are many, the vast majority of which, with hard work could be addressed. But this size thing has been with me since I was 13, and is proving immpossible to beat.

It's true that you can't change your body. Why not then try to accept and appreciate it? It's a part of you. Why be so harsh on yourself?

However women do "kiss and tell" just as us men do, and it is this humiliation that I have allowed to ruin my life.

I cannot stand in a room full of men and women and listen to them taking the piss out of my size and ignore it as just "Fun".

I can't help wondering if maybe there is something deeper with you around being put down. It seems to be where a lot of the pain in this lies with you...in the the judgment and disapproval of others. Sometimes stuff from our past resonates very powerfully through our experiences in the present. Just a thought...

I hope you feel better, ND.

lifeless existence

12-16-2009, 08:57 AM

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Recluse

12-16-2009, 09:07 AM

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lifeless existence

12-16-2009, 02:45 PM

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Recluse

12-16-2009, 03:15 PM

Exactly Lifeless, women now perceive average as small. For this reason, how could I ever be able to have a relationship beyond paying for it?

lifeless existence

12-16-2009, 03:44 PM

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IrmaJean

12-16-2009, 04:29 PM

Not every woman considers these things. I never would. There must be others out there like me.

Recluse

12-16-2009, 04:55 PM

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IrmaJean

12-16-2009, 05:42 PM

There are also likely some women out there (such as myself) who aren't influenced (or who are often in fact repulsed) by what the media tries to influence the public with. The media doesn't and never will make decisions for me. I've never taken much stock in what is supposedly culturally acceptable in terms of appearance either.

As I mentioned once before, I experienced nerve damage after the birth of my third child...nearly 8 years ago. I still find being with my husband very pleasurable even without full sensation. If anyone truly loves who they are with, they are going to enjoy the experience because it involves a shared intimacy and closeness. I know I've said this before, but it's the intimacy and connection that makes sex so special. You are being with a person, not a body part. To be truthful, if I was given the choice of being in a relationship with a man who was 100% sexually dysfunctional, but displayed character traits that I found very valuable or a man who had adequate sexual function but an unkind personality, I'd choose the man with valuable character traits every time. Sex is nice, but the mind and heart mean everything. I have little doubt that some other women share my beliefs. Even younger women, Recluse. It just seems you knock yourself out before even stepping into the ring. How can you be sure how any one woman will react to you? Past events don't have to dictate what will happen in the future. I hope that you will continue to try.

Recluse

12-16-2009, 08:22 PM

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nearlydead

12-17-2009, 02:01 AM

Hi Irma, thanks for the response. I'm sure it can be frustrating talking to us sometimes as we have very negative ideas and attitudes about our situations. I agree that it is possible that there are a small number of women out there who would not care. The problem is, the chance of my meeting them is rare and I would have to face countless interactions of rejection and humiliation before possibly finding that person. As Nearlydead speaks of how he lost three different social circles due to people finding out about his problem, I would have to meet women who had no knowledge of my social circle to avoid suffering the same ridicule and teasing that Nearlydead had to go through. I know my friends would not stop hanging out with or liking me if they knew of my problem, but men tease each other in jest, and having people know that about me and tease me for it is something that I refuse to ever deal with.

You are right when you say that I can't be sure how any one woman would react to me. I just know that the majority of them would be disgusted or derisive and that there would be no guarantee of meeting that one who would accept me.

Hi Rec,
Remember I have slept with 50+ women, I am smaller than you and I can tell you from real world expeirence that the majority of women do NOT care about size, do not go telling tales. The vast majority of women I have slept with have had a good time and come back for more, they have not been disgusted or derisive. I really believe size matters to us, far more than it does to most women.

Of the women who did tell tales, two of them I cheated on, so did have a reason to tell, some of the others may of told people for some unknown reason to get back at me.

The trouble is as small men going dating we can never tell which girl will keep her mouth shut, whether size matters to them or not, every woman we sleep with has the power for ever more to ruin our lives with one word. But you have to believe me when I say the majority dont care and dont tell.

Even though I know the majority do not care, I know that every woman that has seen my penis knows that I am small, for me that shame is the problem. My problem, not thiers. For the women who do truly have a problem with size, will only probably be happy with the 8"+ guys, meaning average or over would be no good anyway. So fuck them.

You made the point earlier about the internet. Agreed young women and mens perception of size must be greatly screwed by the images all over the net of huge cocks. About 90% of men cannot measure up. This is why most small dick comments come from the younger women, because they have the least real world expierence. I think this is the type of bull shit you heard in your younger years, coupled with the internet images of huge cocks, I can see how you would feel the way you do. You say that you use porn, thats fine, but I would recommend making it a rule that you only watch genuine Amatuer porn, as this type of porn has a higher proportion of average guys. Unfortunatley amatuer porn also features a higher proportion of fat birds, which means you are gonna have to become a "Chubby Chaser" in order to help yourself:eek:

IrmaJean

12-17-2009, 02:39 AM

I really believe size matters to us, far more than it does to most women.

I would have to agree with you on this, ND. My question then is why does it matter so much to you?

I just wanted to add that I think it's great that you guys have others to share your stories with and hear your feelings about this on the forum. I just get uncomfortable when any of you repeatedly degrade and hurt yourself. I don't believe that is beneficial in any way for anyone here. It reinforces the bad feelings that you have about yourselves. I'm hoping that the first change any of you might make would be to be more gentle with yourselves and to treat yourselves with respect. All of you deserve that. Everyone deserves that.

I'm editing this again just to add that I'm not implying that any of you have done this here recently, but that it was meant as more of a "in general" type of thing.

nearlydead

12-17-2009, 07:02 AM

Ida said: I can't help wondering if maybe there is something deeper with you around being put down. It seems to be where a lot of the pain in this lies with you...in the the judgment and disapproval of others. Sometimes stuff from our past resonates very powerfully through our experiences in the present. Just a thought...

Being judged as small, and then having that disapproval expressed as a put down, has always cut the deepest, because I have no answer for it. However the small penis put down is the only one which I have allowed people to put me down with. In any other situation I have an answer for and handle confidently, no one gets away with putting me down over any given subject except for this size thing. This is a major reason why these negative put downs have so much power over me, I have no answer for them because it is true I have a small penis, and that fact is humiliating. A fact I have no power over.

My life would have been completely different if everytime I was ever put down by women or men about my size if I had replied "So what, who cares" and had actually believed those words.

This is an insight Irma, that has given me something to consider seriously. I should be able to deal with this size put down as efficently as I would deal with any other put down.

thankyou Irma, you should be doing this for a living. Thanks.

Recluse

12-17-2009, 12:25 PM

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nearlydead

12-17-2009, 03:47 PM

I think the west must be full of young women who's initial sexual expeirences must be a let down for them. Most of these young women's first view of an erect penis is almost cetainly from the internet. Having seen there huge cocks as teens and discussed these monsters with thier peers, who knows what strange ideas they have about what a normal penis looks like.

I am certain this is why there is so much female negative talk about small penis's on the net, usually from girls who have had absolutely zero real world expeirence. But once they have slept with maybe 5 or more guys they must realise that 90% of men are under 7".

I have read that articule about "focussing on our pleasure" every morning for must be a month now. Its slowly starting to sink in a little to the point where I am now starting to give the idea some wieght.

The thing with using prostitutes is fine. If you think its a stratergy to help you move forward then great, go with it, any progress is better than none.

One stratergy I used when I did have friends would be to go out with them into a club and pull a girl on my own. A girl outside of the social circle, one who did not have a friend that my mates would be interested in. That way I could date the girl, then fuck her without any comebacks to my social circle. Thats one way to get some action, you could start just by dateing and dumping before sexual contact as a way to build confidence in small steps.

I would think that meeting women online through a dating site may be another stratergy. Away from your social circle, meet a few online, chat to a few, then go for a drink with a few, then move things on in steps. Recluse I can hear you saying "yeh, but what about when they laugh at my cock" I promise you 99% of the girls wont. 95% of those girls will enjoy the sex. If you do get a bad one, then it is only you and her that will know about it. You're friends need never find out. I hope you dont think I'm preaching, I'm just trying to think of ways to help you/us move things forward.

Curtailed: That cartoon about sums up the bad days. Humour, however black, is good. Get your post count up, perhaps we can learn something we can all benefit from. Same goes for you Lifeless.

IrmaJean

12-17-2009, 04:18 PM

You're welcome, ND. I'm very glad that your mind is open and that you are willing and able to see the gray areas in this. There has always been something about your sense of humor that makes me smile. I totally get that "bank robbers' pit bull" description of yourself. Exactly as I'd imagined. :D And thanks for the encouraging words. I am very seriously considering going back to school for this.

I just heard my whole life that having a small dick is a deal breaker and that having adequate equipment was the most important aspect of sexual relationships for a man.

Maybe it's time to loosen this falsehood from your mind and give it a toss. You seem like an intelligent guy and I recall you saying women found you attractive. I hate to think of you only interacting with prostitutes for meaningless sex. Don't you think you deserve to engage in a meaningful relationship? Are you afraid to try? I still find it very difficult to believe that so many women are focused on just this one aspect of you. For me personally, in my relationship, I honestly never gave it a thought.

Recluse, I'll ask you what I asked ND. What aspects of yourself do you like?

lifeless existence

12-17-2009, 07:19 PM

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Recluse

12-17-2009, 10:02 PM

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IrmaJean

12-18-2009, 02:58 AM

I wish we could get that cartoon removed.

nearlydead

12-18-2009, 07:33 AM

Thinking on this "put down by the judgement and disapproval of others"

Im not sure why or how this line has hit me, but it has.

Any body who puts me down with any other type of comment is dealt with using wit, charm, authority or threat/voilence, and usally dismissed.

Having had women say to my face "you only have a little one" "is that it" etc I usually deal with it by making a joke of the comment. Because if you let someone know it bothers you they will go at it harder or they will be sympathetic. Either way it is a conformation that women see my penis as small. Even when a few of these girls have said, "dont worry about it, it suits me, bigger boyfriends have hurt" etc. The plain fact is... they see me as small first, not just a penis.

When the cat is then let out of the bag and becomes common knowledge amongst your male freinds then it is a different kind of humiliation, because even if they do not say anything, the still know it.

The penis is not like any other part of a mans body, it represents the physical part of being "A man" The large penis is worhipped amongst nearly every civilisation on earth, from the modern west to tribes in Africa and new Guine and the far east. If you offerd 99% of the male population the choice between having and inch removed from thier penis lenght or losing and arm, eye or leg they would choose to keep thier penis and lose the rest. There is something deep within us men that makes the penis and size integral to who we are. Im certain that every man on the planet regardless of size would welcome having another inch added if he could.

I think that every mans soul, character, being, his perception of manliness, his inner beleif in who he is based on his penis size. Unconciestly for the men who are average or large, because it is accepted as ok and there for not a problem that they need never think about. Where as the small man is concious (I wish I could funking spell that word:mad:) and aware that his penis is small

Since finding out at the age of 13 that I was small, every decission I have ever made in some way involves my penis size. Conciestly or unconciestly size is ever present in my mind, having a small penis as the bedrock of my soul means that every trait of my character, what it means to be me is built on an unsurmountable flaw at the centre of my being.

If anyone out there has an answer for this problem, I can offer them a recently pickled Bris

IrmaJean

12-18-2009, 09:12 AM

The first thing I want to say, ND, is that...whether you want me to be or not...I am very proud of you for digging deeper into this and trying very hard.

The plain fact is... they see me as small first, not just a penis.

I find this statement very telling. So what it is you're saying is that your person feels small?

There is something deep within us men that makes the penis and size integral to who we are.

I hear you, ND, but I want you to try and identify what feelings around the size of your penis in actuality make you who you are. It's about the feelings behind this more than the actual size. What feelings within yourself would having a bigger penis arouse? Say tomorrow, doctors came up with surgery that could safely lengthen your penis. And let's say you went and had this surgery done and very suddenly felt better about yourself. Do you think those feelings would have been contained in a mass of tissue or do you think they would in reality come from within you? What is inside you is you.

I think that every mans soul, character, being, his perception of manliness, his inner beleif in who he is based on his penis size.

You have identified something very important here. Now I want you to think about how and why you feel the size of your penis is tied to these beliefs. What is having good character to you? What perceptions do you have about "manliness"?

Conciestly or unconciestly size is ever present in my mind, having a small penis as the bedrock of my soul means that every trait of my character, what it means to be me is built on an unsurmountable flaw at the centre of my being.

You perceive it as a flaw, rather than accept it as a part of you which doesn't define you. I want to think more about everything you've written here. You're a courageous guy, ND, and your openness is admirable.

ASchwartz

12-18-2009, 09:17 AM

The offending cartoon was deleted because of the graphic depiction of suicide. We have definite guidelines and rules about such things. It is imporper to discuss specific means of suicide and self injury that are graphic and could wrongly and possibly incite others to these acts.

You are free to express anger at me about my action but I did what I thought was right.

It is OK to say something like, "This issue has me so upset that I want to kill myself." However, it is wrong and not permissable to be so specific as to show it in a photo, picture or specific and graphic description.

Allan:(

malign

12-18-2009, 09:23 AM

Well, back to ND -

Yeah, I want to add to what Beth said: you're pretty courageous to keep trying, like you are, and I think anyone reading can respect that.

Personally, as a guy, if someone told me that someone I knew was "small", my first reaction would be "how do you know?" and the second would be "why would you care?" It wouldn't occur to me for an instant to laugh at the target of that. I've been the one who was made fun of, for other reasons, way too often to join in. I think you'd find that was true of most grown men, in fact. It's the guys who never mature who need to laugh at someone else.

Just a bit of feedback about what other guys really think, not what you imagine they're thinking.

Recluse

12-18-2009, 10:25 AM

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lifeless existence

12-18-2009, 11:38 AM

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Recluse

12-18-2009, 12:23 PM

Lifeless, I could not have said it better myself.

curtailed

12-18-2009, 12:32 PM

Good thread.

I live in a culture where nudity isn't such a big issue. I go to sauna regularly with friends and strangers and it just so happens that I have to deal with this consistently. The problem is two-fold. If I don't go to sauna with the guys, they instantly think it's because I'm ashamed of my body, which of course I am. If I do go, everybody sees me for who I am... which is actually surprisingly accepted, but I have had it been used against me a time or two. I guess keeping a poker face in such a situation is required. So, all of my male friends know about my insecurity. What does this cause? I get sympathy from the men who have ever had sex. When someone cracks a small dick joke and they realize I'm in the room, they nervously glance at me and then laugh it off.

I think I was around 10 or so when I realized my penis was small. The pain of that realization was so large that I think I might've gotten some form of disorder from merely that :( I remember the moment when sexuality struck me first time as the powerful force it is. My creeping suspicions about my self-recognized smallness came together with the sexual feelgood and the manhood issues. I think I dropped the ball right there with the feelings of inadequacy and despair.

I agree with all the previous posters about penis size being crucial to feeling like a man. Maybe another comic to make it colorful. Keep on rocking, it'll come together.

http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF004-Deal_with_the_Devil.gif

IrmaJean

12-18-2009, 01:25 PM

Nearlydead nailed it with these two paragraphs. Having a small penis strikes at the very core of our being. It's completely emasculating. I don't even feel like a man because I'm small. I have no value for penetrative sex. That's not a man. Men have penises that women enjoy during sex. I'm just a mass of wasted male genes.

LE, this is what I mean about hurting yourself. It is painful when you talk about yourself this way. :( I understand that this belief strikes at the core of your being. I'm really sorry that it is so very painful. I'm not sure what else to say at the moment but that your beliefs about this are simply NOT true. Being a man, to me, means being true to yourself and honoring the person that you are inside.

I know my situation doesn't compare to any of yours, but I spent my youth feeling sexually inadequate and have felt the pain of rejection many, many times. Then I met my husband and he has been my one and only. No other boyfriends. And then I suddenly lost my ability to achieve orgasm (I can't believe I'm talking about this by the way). I was so completely ashamed about this that I didn't even tell my husband for 7 full years. I had several doctors try to tell me it was discord in the marriage, stress etc. etc. until finally one verified that this had happened as a result of physical injury from childbirth. It was something that just happened and it was beyond my control... so I then had to work on accepting this fact. I thought if I told my husband it would ruin things for him. I thought he would think less of me, that he wouldn't want me...that I was broken....damaged goods...all of these things. I know now that this one aspect of myself does not make me less of a woman. I know that inside I have all of the very things that make me the woman that I am and that this occurrence did not change any of that. I'm still me and this doesn't make me who I am.

I don't know if any of that is helpful to hear. I am hoping that maybe it is. I know it is extremely difficult to loosen such engrained beliefs, but these beliefs are controlling your lives and causing all of you pain. And they are simply NOT true. I hope that all of you will consider keeping your mind open to other possibilities.

nearlydead

12-18-2009, 04:13 PM

Irma said: So what it is you're saying is that your person feels small?

Sort of. I think I mean when I show myself to a woman for the first time, I am showing them the worst bit of me, both physically and mentally, even though I keep the mental anguish from showing, my heart races along with my thoughts (CBT Automatic thoughts) which are along the lines of "she's seen it, whats she thinking, she knows" all the thoughts are fearfull.

When I was active, and successfull with women my persona was a macho, confident, rough diamond type. At 16 ish I decided since all my mates were taking the mickey out of me I would date more, fuck more and do it with the prettiest girls. It was this stratergy that led to my success with women. But with every success there was the intense shame of what I had to expose of myself. Fuck, I think this is the toll I have paid for others approval. There's more here....

I hear you, ND, but I want you to try and identify what feelings around the size of your penis in actuality make you who you are. It's about the feelings behind this more than the actual size. What feelings within yourself would having a bigger penis arouse? Say tomorrow, doctors came up with surgery that could safely lengthen your penis. And let's say you went and had this surgery done and very suddenly felt better about yourself. Do you think those feelings would have been contained in a mass of tissue or do you think they would in reality come from within you? What is inside you is you.

I'm not sure on this, If there was an op I could have the confidence my persona demands/portrays, I would not have that moment of shame with women, or have to deal with the dissaproval of peers. I understand my thoughts create my feelings, but I have a small penis, women and my peer's know it is small. I cannot "think" my penis is normal, because it evidently isn't. I have lived with this for 30+years, it is part of me, part of my personality. I developed my persona as a way to deal with/hide it. It has defined my entire life. In this sense I am my penis and my penis is me. I think all men think this way to a degree, thats why some of the bigger or average guys have an innate sense of confidence in this area, and life.

You have identified something very important here. Now I want you to think about how and why you feel the size of your penis is tied to these beliefs. What is having good character to you? What perceptions do you have about "manliness"?

Manliness from my father and my upbringing and neighbourhood equates to phsyically powerful, a strong handshake, ability to fight, to provide, to protect, to be seen as top dog or at least a dog with teeth, courage. Thats the image I have lived up to, but the penis is such a powerful part of that. A part of me that is a lie. Its actually a very juvenile image of what it means to be a man.

IrmaJean

12-19-2009, 01:08 AM

The following is something that I wrote in trying to explain to someone how to change deeply engrained inner beliefs which are false. I thought it might be helpful.

I think the key is awareness. First you have to dig out the belief, identify it and bring it out into the light. Expose it and then explore it. Take a long, hard look at it. Where does this belief originate from and why? What feelings are around it and what do those feelings reveal? Why is it important? What does it mean? For me it was feeling unimportant, which in turn had created a poor sense of self-worth. In answering all of the above questions, I began to understand the falsehood of this perception in my brain. Now I am very aware of that feeling and my responses to it. So whenever the feeling pops up now, I can stop it right in its tracks. Such as this past year when not a single family member remembered my birthday and I started getting that awful feeling. But then I became aware that the deeper pain with this was old pain based on false perceived truths from my past. As far as replacing the old beliefs with new ones, well that can be challenging. What you're doing in essence is allowing new experiences and new feelings...the true you...to fill in the voids of the old, painful and untrue ones. Sometimes this can be painful and even conflicting. It isn't what you're used to it, so it feels different. But being aware of this makes it a bit easier. The new truths slowly erase the old untruths as you begin to see yourself in positive new ways.

Now back to ND.

When I was active, and successfull with women my persona was a macho, confident, rough diamond type. At 16 ish I decided since all my mates were taking the mickey out of me I would date more, fuck more and do it with the prettiest girls. It was this stratergy that led to my success with women. But with every success there was the intense shame of what I had to expose of myself. Fuck, I think this is the toll I have paid for others approval. There's more here....

So you believe this behavior of trying to have sex with lots of women was a method you used to gain the approval of others? And that it demeaned you? You say you felt shame. Try and figure out where that shame comes from and what it means.

I also wonder why the approval of others holds such great weight with you. ND, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but were you put down as a child by your parents? We're digging here and sometimes when you dig a lot of stuff comes up that you might not expect. When you say there's more here with this, I'd like you to think about what that is.

I'm not sure on this, If there was an op I could have the confidence my persona demands/portrays, I would not have that moment of shame with women, or have to deal with the dissaproval of peers.

You speak of your "personna". Is that personna really you or is it who you believe others want you to be? Why such a strong need for others' approval? Is it all in an attempt to fight back the "small" that is engrained so deeply in your mind?

I cannot "think" my penis is normal, because it evidently isn't. I have lived with this for 30+years, it is part of me, part of my personality. I developed my persona as a way to deal with/hide it. It has defined my entire life. In this sense I am my penis and my penis is me. I think all men think this way to a degree, thats why some of the bigger or average guys have an innate sense of confidence in this area, and life.

But that confidence doesn't come from the actual size, ND. It comes from the way they feel about the size and, more importantly, themselves. It's very true that you can't change the size of your penis. But you can change the way you feel about the size of it. You can also detach it from the hold it has on your sense of self-worth. Your penis isn't you, ND. It' simply a part of you much the same as an arm or a leg. I know just saying that won't alter your beliefs, but I think you have taken a very important step here in identifying the false belief and bringing it out in the light to explore.

Manliness from my father and my upbringing and neighbourhood equates to phsyically powerful, a strong handshake, ability to fight, to provide, to protect, to be seen as top dog or at least a dog with teeth, courage. Thats the image I have lived up to, but the penis is such a powerful part of that. A part of me that is a lie. Its actually a very juvenile image of what it means to be a man. You are right. It is very juvenile. It sounds to me almost as if you are "playing an act" to live up to that image. A random thought here but...could you be trying to be the man your father wanted you to be? What about the real you? Doesn't he deserve to be seen and to express himself?

I guess I ask a lot of questions. Hopefully it isn't too overwhelming. You're moving in a positive direction with this. You're doing great, ND.

Wisdom

12-19-2009, 05:49 AM

I think I can speak for most women. A man is known and respected by his CHARACTER and not his penis size. A woman typically has a difficult time accepting a penis as large as 6 inches. Her vagina is typically not enlarged unless full arroused (if at all) or during childbirth. Wide girth is bound to rip her apart or even tear her. It's downright painful

A man shouldn't give a shit what size he is. There are so many things that he can do that a man of large penis can't do.............. Women like more than just intercourse. They like the physical warmth and the tenderness of sex. They like the intimate conversation. Not all sex needs to lead to intercourse. Alot of women are turned off tothat knowing clse intimacy will lead to sex. There are other things to do. I don't know of one women I have chatted with that like a large penis. It's like shoving a square peg into a round hole.We are not made that way. Most women do not have large breasts........... or sizable butt. But we dont go into hiding if we don't nor does it afect their self esteeme

Men are too focused on their private matters and not enough on his partner. I'd take a 4 inch anyday over a 6 inch.

Thanks

nearlydead

12-19-2009, 12:22 PM

So you believe this behavior of trying to have sex with lots of women was a method you used to gain the approval of others? And that it demeaned you? You say you felt shame. Try and figure out where that shame comes from and what it means.

The approval of my peers, but equally in an effort to prove to myself that I was not useless, an effort not to let being small beat me. The demeaning and shameful/fearful part is when I show it to a woman for the first time. Firstly what they will think themselves, then what they might say about it, then who they will tell. How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

My parents never put me down, but my father was always adamant that no one should get away with putting me down either. The blame for who I am is not on them.

You speak of your "personna". Is that personna really you or is it who you believe others want you to be? Why such a strong need for others' approval? Is it all in an attempt to fight back the "small" that is engrained so deeply in your mind?

Beginning of secondary school at the age of 10/11 I had an operation to push down an undescended testicle. A rumour started at school that I had had my balls cuts off, my nickname became "Only No Kenobi" (Think Star Wars), then the school merged with a girls school, at 13 I was debagged in front of some girls and they all said I was small (I had not even begun puberty) I was a small kid who did not start puberty untill I was around 16. So from the age of 11 through to around 16 I got badly bullied verbally and physically by both girls and boys about my genitals, being that everybody thought I was small and had no balls. I took this bullying without being able to tell anyone, I let people put me down for 5 years. I had suicidal thoughts from a pretty early age because of all this. Then one day the bullying stopped when I snapped and truly went insane. I stabbed supposedly the hardest kid in school with a chisel one month before I was due to leave school. This is when I went to the young offenders prison. It used to be called Borstal. The regime there was known as "a short sharp shock" The schock was violence deliverd by both inmates and screws. I took a few beatings, but when I left at about 17 I had a reputation as not to be messed with. I have put lifelong scars on other men. Outside I got into the football scene, I was an active member of the ICF which led to a further term in an adult jail (a walk in the park compared with borstal). In the middle of that I lost my virginity at 19, the 3rd girl I slept with commented "you only have a little one dont you" confirming all those years of worry. That was the way it was through to about 30 when I just got tired of my life and went travelling, becomming a Scuba Instructor social life no2. No more voilence, but still more women with big mouths. Then back to the UK social life no3. That lasted 3 years before a woman humiliated me in front of a packed pub of newish friends and strangers. That bitch will never know how close she was to getting killed. I walked out of that pub and have been a recluse ever since. 4"X4" a scar on my grion, impotence, and now requiring circumcission. The put downs are there, the persona had to change from weak kid to moron.
The good news is I found pound coin down the back of the sofa wednesday nite:rolleyes:

I can change how I think about my penis, changing how I feel about my penis is a far harder battle to win, because all the above negativity is as a direct result of being and having a small penis.

Recluse

12-19-2009, 03:17 PM

23453453453455

IrmaJean

12-19-2009, 04:41 PM

The approval of my peers, but equally in an effort to prove to myself that I was not useless, an effort not to let being small beat me. The demeaning and shameful/fearful part is when I show it to a woman for the first time. Firstly what they will think themselves, then what they might say about it, then who they will tell. How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

I'm sure I would feel embarrassed, but I think any past shame I've felt from this is gone now. I really hate thinking that you are feeling shame about a part of yourself. :(

My parents never put me down, but my father was always adamant that no one should get away with putting me down either. The blame for who I am is not on them.

I'm really glad that your parents never put you down. I would never ever assess blame on anyone for your difficulties. The idea is to look at everything in an attempt to understand where things are coming from. So I was searching some with that.

Beginning of secondary school at the age of 10/11 I had an operation to push down an undescended testicle. A rumour started at school that I had had my balls cuts off, my nickname became "Only No Kenobi" (Think Star Wars), then the school merged with a girls school, at 13 I was debagged in front of some girls and they all said I was small (I had not even begun puberty) I was a small kid who did not start puberty untill I was around 16. So from the age of 11 through to around 16 I got badly bullied verbally and physically by both girls and boys about my genitals, being that everybody thought I was small and had no balls. I took this bullying without being able to tell anyone, I let people put me down for 5 years. I had suicidal thoughts from a pretty early age because of all this. Then one day the bullying stopped when I snapped and truly went insane. I stabbed supposedly the hardest kid in school with a chisel one month before I was due to leave school. This is when I went to the young offenders prison. It used to be called Borstal. The regime there was known as "a short sharp shock" The schock was violence deliverd by both inmates and screws. I took a few beatings, but when I left at about 17 I had a reputation as not to be messed with. I have put lifelong scars on other men. Outside I got into the football scene, I was an active member of the ICF which led to a further term in an adult jail (a walk in the park compared with borstal). In the middle of that I lost my virginity at 19, the 3rd girl I slept with commented "you only have a little one dont you" confirming all those years of worry. That was the way it was through to about 30 when I just got tired of my life and went travelling, becomming a Scuba Instructor social life no2. No more voilence, but still more women with big mouths. Then back to the UK social life no3. That lasted 3 years before a woman humiliated me in front of a packed pub of newish friends and strangers. That bitch will never know how close she was to getting killed. I walked out of that pub and have been a recluse ever since. 4"X4" a scar on my grion, impotence, and now requiring circumcission. The put downs are there, the persona had to change from weak kid to moron.
The good news is I found pound coin down the back of the sofa wednesday nite:rolleyes: Unquestionably, you've been through a lot, ND, and have had to deal with much cruel behavior and teasing over the years. I'm very sorry about that. Are those school years still very painful to you?

I can change how I think about my penis, changing how I feel about my penis is a far harder battle to win, because all the above negativity is as a direct result of being and having a small penis.

It is my hope that you will accept it as a part of yourself, but not think of it as something which defines your whole self. The negativity affects you so much because of the way the negativity makes you feel. The pain, ND, is in those feelings. Maybe try taking things a little at a time. Changing your thinking might be a positive step toward eventually changing your feelings.

nearlydead

12-19-2009, 05:20 PM

Are those school years still very painful to you?
No more than any of the rest of the years, its 30+ years and counting. There are still people I would like to get even with though. But I dont think about them much. I've been using the Burns list of distorted thinking to try and let go of some of my favorite negative thoughts. I think with my depression there is and element of mashochism. I've been depressed so long, I sometimes think I like it.

Changing your thinking might be a positive step toward eventually changing your feelings.

That is the whole basis of the Burns CBT thing. Going down this route is the only way any of us can make any changes.
"I think, therefore I am"
"nothing is good nor bad, except when thinking makes it so"
"If you say you cannot you are right. If you say you can, maybe you are right"

I am reading Burns and re-reading it. I dont understand it, but bits of it are making some sense, as I recognise my distorted thoughts, and those of Rec and LL. We are all talking the same shit, just different story's.

IrmaJean

12-19-2009, 11:14 PM

[I][COLOR="Navy"]I think with my depression there is and element of mashochism. I've been depressed so long, I sometimes think I like it.

I'm wondering what you mean by that. What of being depressed do you like? Did you mean that this way of living has become so familiar to you that the thought of change is somewhat disconcerting? I can definitely relate to that. Change is never easy, but it's great that you are trying.

We are all talking the same shit, just different story's. Yes, sometimes I find myself uncomfortable when any of you repeat the same painful thinking over and over again. It is very important to acknowledge your feelings and to feel free to express what you have been experiencing, but saying it repeatedly may also reinforce it. And that can be a way of giving those painful feelings more power. I don't want any of you engulfed by them.

Keep on trying, ND.

nearlydead

12-20-2009, 03:55 AM

I'm wondering what you mean by that. What of being depressed do you like? Did you mean that this way of living has become so familiar to you that the thought of change is somewhat disconcerting? I can definitely relate to that. Change is never easy, but it's great that you are trying.

I feel very guilty about how my life has gone, especially how I have wasted the last 10 years doing absolutely nothing. Beating myself up with negative labels, behaviours like procratinating, eating badly etc sometimes I do these things because I deserve them. I know its stupid. One of the major components of depression is rigid thinking patterns, this is especially true of myself, sometimes I have the same thoughts over and over again, usually around my favourtie subjects. Something I have managed to change recently for the better.

I have been using the ecercises on this site for the last month or so. Just getting my sleep patterns back in snyc was a biggy that worked well for me. Check out the link below.

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/
Clic on the "introduction module under the picture....

IrmaJean

12-20-2009, 02:28 PM

I feel very guilty about how my life has gone, especially how I have wasted the last 10 years doing absolutely nothing. Beating myself up with negative labels, behaviours like procratinating, eating badly etc sometimes I do these things because I deserve them.

You are unhappy (angry?) with yourself for the direction you have taken with your life? What do you mean when you say you deserve these behaviors? Are you punishing yourself for having wasted time? It's true that time which has past can't ever be retrieved, but you can make the most of what is to come. Maybe start by giving yourself a break for past mistakes. Forgive yourself, treat yourself with kindness and respect and look toward tomorrow. There is always much promise in tomorrow. All easier said than done, I know, but little steps forward will take you down the path.

One of the major components of depression is rigid thinking patterns, this is especially true of myself, sometimes I have the same thoughts over and over again, usually around my favourtie subjects. Something I have managed to change recently for the better.

Well, that is great to hear. :)

Do you have hobbies or things that you do in your free time which give you pleasure? I've dealt with my fair share of obsessive thought patterns too. It can be a very challenging thing to turn down sometimes. I hope you keep moving in a positive direction with this.

I have been using the ecercises on this site for the last month or so. Just getting my sleep patterns back in snyc was a biggy that worked well for me. Check out the link below.

Good for you, ND. I will check out this link.

nearlydead

12-24-2009, 03:27 PM

Merry Christmas?

Recluse

12-24-2009, 03:52 PM

232535235345

lifeless existence

12-24-2009, 08:37 PM

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curtailed

12-25-2009, 02:43 AM

Checked this. Insecurity (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_insecurity) [wikipedia].

Also: Could insecurity be the secret to CEOs' success? (http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies/management/2007-01-31-insecure-ceos-usat_x.htm)

I just realized nothing in my life makes sense if my greatest insecurity was simply taken away from me. Lifted. If my greatest fear and burden was lifted from me... None of it. I simply wouldn't be the guy I am. It's ... breath-taking.

IrmaJean

01-09-2010, 11:03 AM

How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

Something came to mind today in reference to this question ND asked me a few weeks ago. I thought I'd toss it out here as something to potentially consider. I was thinking about about how mocking can be painful and why. During my school years, if a guy ever made reference to my being unattractive, this was extremely painful...a cut to the core kind of hurt. But if someone now made derogatory comments about me concerning my sexual issue, I don't believe this would phase me very much. When I think of the "why" behind that, it makes me consider that any mean-spirited comments by another wouldn't hold much weight because I know they aren't true. But back in high school all of those comments about my appearance hurt because I truly believed them to be the truth. The teasing reinforces what you may already think, fear, believe and feel about yourself. So it's as if your faults have been exposed to the world, your shame revealed.

My point in all of this would be that the painful beliefs about yourself, in reality, come from within yourself. Someone else saying it just brings the fears and insecurities home. Once you alter the false beliefs you have about yourself, others' opinions won't carry so much weight or hurt so much. Once your truth becomes a reality to you, the false perceptions of others don't mean much of anything. Don't know if any of that makes any sense, but was just something that occurred to me on my drive to work this AM. Food for thought, perhaps?

I wanted to clarify that the root of those painful beliefs probably have something to do with deeper issues from your past, but once they are ingrained you come to believe in their validity. And once you are able to detach these falsehoods from yourself, words from others lose their sting.

I keep editing this and so it may be a bit of my rambling. I apologize for that, but I want to make sure I'm being clear with what I'm trying to say. Obviously none of us are born with bad feelings about ourselves and these feelings have to come from somewhere. But whatever negative feelings have become already ingrained may then be reinforced by the comments of others. If we have come to truly believe in these painful feelings, the words of others are extremely hurtful. So changing that belief about yourself is the key (which I think many of you already knew), and the rest will then eventually follow. Hopefully I'm making some sense with this. It was a new thought and one that has been evolving throughout the day with me so is probably a bit scrambled right now.