Personality change, is it my BPD, or was I always a "B"

[SweetSue]

I have noticed in myself recently that, well, Im becoming very heartless and bad tempered and grumpy in my thoughts and outlook on the world, and certain people in it.

Normally, Im very quiet and try to be pleasant to everyone, I would put myself out for others, put them and there feelings first, try my best to be nice even when people are unkind.

But of late, I just think blow it. Whats the point. I am what I am. What Im becoming, isnt really all that nice. Think maybe I am just so past caring anymore, what people say to or about myself. Who cares attitude. If the world and its inhabitants dont care, then why on earth should I give a monkeys.

I dont know maybe I have always been this sort of hostile person, just that the meds have kicked in and are finally doing there job. Could it be that I have always been this way, and I was the only person that couldnt see it ?

[malign]

Gah, Sue, no one can be happy and nice to everyone. Not if they have any stress in their lives, or if they ever come down off an herbal high.

Everybody gets angry sometimes. Much of that time, the person that they get angry at deserves it. The only question is how to express that anger.

You've spent a lifetime repressing anger. Anger that really should have come out, at the people it was aimed at, instead of turning inward against yourself. There's nothing "B" about letting that happen.

My guess is, you're still adjusting to a middle point, and you're still one of the nicest people I know.

[SweetSue]

Hey Mark,

OK, now Im showing just how thick I am, I dont care though.

What the heck is a herbal high ? Is it to do with drugs or something coz Ive never done anything like that.

Ok, kinda get stressed , just a little.

But my whole attitude is rapidly zooming past, and Im not so sure I want it back. Im so sick of people taking the blatent "P" out of me. And normally I let them, and dont do anything about it. Now its like Im at the complete other end of the spectrum, and its not even bothering me. Surely it should just a little, Im now going against everything I ever stood for, just throwing it away. Im becoming so mean, and Im letting mysellf be like this. And I dont feel guilty or any remorse for it.

I just really do think blow them all, nothing matters now anyway.

I may aswell just let me be me. I dont know if this is always how I have been, but Im not nice now, and I dont think I even care.

Maybe it is part of adjusting, I always have difficulty when things change suddenly, but like, how much more adjusting is there. I think, im just gonna explode.

[malign]

Yeah, I was joking that only people who were high could always be happy, and no, I've never been high, either. :-)

It's good to notice your mood swinging, but not to blame yourself for a passing mood. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. And I don't think you need to feel a ton(ne) of remorse.

[SweetSue]

Oh I dont feel any remorse at all. I have had enough of welll everything. and now I dont care who I hurt in speaking my mind, OK, I cant actually speak, but heck Im working on it.

Perhaps I am just angry, dont know. maybe it is a mood swing. in which case, I will no doubt be making endless appologies to my so called p/doc and anyone else that has upset or got to me recently. Dont know.

Probably always been like this, just never allowed myself to be before now.

[malign]

You're you, Sue.
Whatever you end up being, it won't be wrong.
That doesn't mean you'll be right about everything, no one is, but I'm the complete opposite of the voices: I know that you're a good person, and I'm telling you.

[SweetSue]

Is it that obvious the voices are misbehaving again, they have a point though. and they do make so much more sense of things than I ever have.



It dosnt matter what kind of person I am or that I become, it dosnt change who I am or the way I feel. things happen, I let them. so what does it matter if I say blow the lot of them that get to me. or anyone else for that matter who wants to get to me. Being nice, is immaterial, it dont change things, it dont make things easier in any way, so why should I even worry now that Im grumpy and mean, at the end of the day, it wont stop anything from happening either.

thanks for helping, but I really think that maybe I am just evil.

[malign]

Yes, my friend, it is obvious.
Especially with that last line.
Please, Sue, consider that trip back to the hospital.

Getting angry is not evil at all. Some of the ways people express anger may be ... well, undesirable, but the anger is completely normal.

Of course it matters who you become. It may change nothing external to you, but you'll always know, always be able to choose who you want to be. Most importantly, you'll never be able to hide what you decide; it'll show, no matter what.

[SweetSue]

Hu huh,

Reconsider going back to the hospital, after what I emailed the p/doc earlier, yep thats soo going to happen. Any way I've just came out of a stretch in there. what can they possibly do this time ?

It dosnt matter. Im just evil that is all there is to it. I dont need any p/doc to tell me that. Its blatently obvious. My voices are right. so fllipping right, and I dont even care right now. why should I ?

Im angry but not with anyone inpaticular, mostly myself. its not the anger anyway thats the problem, its the fact that my attitude is becoming very mean, and I cant stop it, or even want to stop it. Even before with the evil flowing through my viens I always wanted to be nice to others. Now it feels like its me and I am it. Hard to explain.

Just need to sort it I guess

[malign]

Sue,

If your Pdoc has never had a patient call him names before, he just got out of school yesterday.

But the way you're talking right now is the scariest I've ever heard you, hon, and if you remember, I was with you the night you first went to the hospital.

Don't tell me the voices are right, please.
Or tell me to moo off. But as your friend, I think you need help.

[SweetSue]

yeah, well kinda cancelled my appointment with him today, coz well as I put it in the email "Im sick in the head" he obviously was not best pleased with my response and told me he was only trying to help me get well. that just wound me up further, so i emailed him right on back and actually told him to "moo off" in my mind he deserved it coz well I dont want anything to do with hospitals ever again. I HATE THEM. and suprisingly so do my voices,, they have different ideas on that score.

Im not being scarey, this is how I am , I cant shift it and not sure really that I should.

Cant really remember much about that first night, but thankyou for helping me through it, my voices were really scarey that night, but Im ok tonight coz my voices arent scareing me, there my friends and are helping me. It just took me ages to realise it , thats all. they feel like there right. I am evil

Thanks for being my friend Mark, I would never tell you to "moo off" thats reseerved for people that deserve it. The cows of the world.

[malign]

What do the voices tell you about ever getting your kids back, if you harm yourself now?

[IrmaJean]

JJ, where are you right now? At home? Maybe find a quiet place to gather yourself? Are you on medications? Have been taking them? I hope that you're okay.

[SweetSue]

Nothing, my kids dont really come into it other than the obvious with them. they are right though. you know what they say, and they are so flipping right.

see not even my kids are snapping me out of this. Ive tried that, been in there rooms, stared into their photos, nothing is getting into the part of me that cares. The voices are just playing up, and I just happen to agree with them. Nothing major really

I already said im grumpy, and Im evil lately, and that I dont care, coz I cant stop the way I feel.

[IrmaJean]

Sue, take a deep breath and please call your doctor. As your friend, I'm concerned for you. You don't sound like yourself.

[malign]

But I think you do care, my friend.
You're trying things to change your mood; they're just not working right now.
You're still here, still trying to be nice to us, your friends.

You've gone to the kids' rooms, because you know there's something wrong with the way you're thinking right now. You know there's something wrong if you're agreeing with the voices.

So what you have to do is decide to help yourself.
Please call someone.

[SweetSue]

yep, if I email the crisis team they are going to be harsh with me coz I aint allowed them into my house today, they will just make me go into hospital and quite frankly I really dont want to end up there again.

I hate hospitals.

Things will be ok, I just have to ride this out, in my own way. I dont want to be rude to anyone, thats why I cant see them, its hard enough being polite via email, even then I couldnt stop myself being mean.

And that would really make my voices even angrier anyway, I just have to do as they say and then they will stop and the evil can just GO. Im not suicidal. just have to do what they say. Its cool.

Ive said too much, look I am trying to help myself Mark ok. Im actually doing pretty good considering how grumpy I am. It will be ok.

[malign]

I know you're trying your best, Sue.
Are you sure it's enough?

It's your life; you have to figure out how to get through, on your own.
I'm just worried about you, that's all.

[SweetSue]

Oh, I dont know if its enough but its all I can do Im getting pretty close to caving again, but Im just about managing to stay the right side of the line, although that line is getting a little blurry.

I dont really know what to do, I just cant handle it when the evil takes over this much. I just want to blow everything and "F" them all coz Ive had enough.

[malign]

Just don't "F" yourself in the process, sweety.
I'm pulling for you.

[SweetSue]

I might have to give in and email the c/p/team. Coz I think I might "F" myself in this process, its never enough it seems with these flipping voices. geez, I am just as bad as them, probably why they makes so much sense there evil, Im evil, there me and Im me. Just sheer evil

[malign]

No, Sue, quite the reverse: you're completely different from them, and that's why you need help to get rid of them once and for all.

[SweetSue]

Maybe, well youre always right, and you have always been nice to me everyone here has, and you guys are the only people I trust, I kinda know I need help, but there telling me not too, and there kinda winning at mo, ok this dont make sense. you know when people have been telling me to do stuff or not do stuff lately i kinda do the reverse , coz well they have the power of me, when i dont want them to. but its kinda hard to ignore them when they are so loud. Maybe thats why Im so grumpy and bad tempered or just this is me now evil, I dont know. Hoping I can just fight enough to hit the send button on the emails instead of delete. I will get there I kinda have to know. just hope its soon before I end up trashing everything like last time....

[Jetliner]

Hey,

Not trying to be simplistic here and I don't claim to understand everything that's going through your mind right now but, here's my two cents from my own experience.

Sounds like maybe, in a way, you're insulating yourself. But it doesn't sit well with you and you're trying to convince yourself to be this way even though it goes against your character. I mean, it's like you are generally a nice person but, you feel like it isn't getting you anywhere so who cares anymore? And you may really believe that but the fact that you're expressing this leads me to believe that somewhere deep down, you're upset with being this way. That you know it isn't right; it isn't you. but you feel as though you can't maintain anymore and maybe even, what's the point? I know this is a simplistic example but, consider driving. It's considered courteous to signal when you turn but a lot of people don't do it. You could get to a point of saying, "Why should I bother then? no one else does it and they don't seem to care so, why should I?" The same thing can apply to other areas as well. Why should I be nice to people? Why should I care what they're going through? Why should I care about tomorrow? What does it all matter anyway? These can be valid questions if you sincerely seek the answers but if they are simply statments of disgust with the world, it's something more. In my experience, I've done this trying to convince myself not to care because when you do, you get hurt. People who couldn't care less, can't be hurt because they have a wall around their hearts. So I've tried to build one myself. Problem is, it won't stay up because it's not my nature to not care. And as hard as I try, the wall keeps coming back down again because, it's not supposed to be there.

Not suggesting that this is exactly your case but, it could be. It may be that you've been so hurt by everything that, sealing off your heart and not caring is the only way for you to get by. Sometimes, we do need to turn things off and go on a retreat from life to regain our footing, true. But to change our very nature, I'm not sure if that's even possible. Something raised a red flag for you about this or you wouldn't have even mentioned it. I think you're uncomfortable with this because you know deep down that it isn't you; that you do care. But you've become so overwhelmed with hurt that your heart is trying to protect itself any way it can.

And you know, the next voice that tells you you're evil, tell it to "F" off! I've only been here a short time but already I can tell that, if you truly were evil; if you honestly didn't care, you wouldn't even be talking about this. But you're still here because some part of you inside is fighting hard for YOU and so are we!

Sorry - I've rambled enough. Guess that was more like 12 cents! :p

John

[SweetSue]

Saw, p/doc etc..........

They advise me to stay in. Never gonna happen. Got to stay here till I see p/doc again in a bit, till then they are just keeping a eye on me. huh.

Dont know why, they need me here. Its not like they havnt enough patients. Still feeling crap, but dma it. Nothing can change facts so I figure blow it.

This is just me now. How I am, theres no meds for that, and dont think I want or need to change anyway. Im just evil now.

[Jetliner]

Sue, the last thing you need right now is another, "voice" telling you what to do so I'm going to ask; I'm going to beg, tell the voices to leave you alone! They only have power over you if you let them so take it back, right now! The only voice that matters right now is your own. This is your life, not theirs. They're trying to drag you down with them but you have the power to stop them right now. And remember, you're not alone and you don't have to do this alone. You can do this. We're all with you.

And you are NOT evil! Right now, you're mind is confused and your heart is afraid and you're feeling defeated but evil? Evil is the total absence of good and sorry but, there's still plenty of good in you, even if you don't see it right now.

[SweetSue]

Hey John,

Yep, Im a little confussed right now. Hospitals and me, well we dont get on. They dont like me and I hate them. probably be ok, once I leave here.

My voices are grumpy loud and evil, they are me. and I guess to a certain degree I am them. We are the same, must be.

Sorry it dont make sense coz I can think straight at mo. Ive had enough. no point in pretending otherwise. Im evil coz my thoughts are that way and so are my actions, my voices everything. I may not be able to talk, but Im still offending people, and I really dont care.

John thanks for helping me out in the night, and you star (if you read this)

take care
sue

[Jetliner]

thanks for helping me out in the night

That's gratitude

take care

Good wishes to someone.

Sue, don't you see? You said so yourself that you can't speak. They have taken your voice and are trying to speak for you. They may be in you but they are not YOU.

Look, you admitted that you're confused and you've demonstrated that in other things you said here. Right now, that's a VERY good thing. It means you're still fighting. I'm not giving up on you so you'd better not either, ya hear? ;) Focus Sue; focus on good thoughts; think of a time and a place when you were most happy and go there in your mind and don't let the voices follow you there! In your mind, go there and lock the door behind you, even if it's only for a few minutes.

[SweetSue]

Well Im stuck back in hospital, a nice little rest for the next 72 hours, great, me and my flipping attitude.

You know I just dont get it. There keeping me in coz of so called danger to myself and/or others. Like if I was actually gonna hurt anybody, I would of done before they sectioned me again. It makes me so mad.

I dont get them, and they dont get me. And that is winding me up. everything is just so blatently there just to annoy me. The p/doc dont agree with me on anything that makes sense to me, and that also is making me mad. Geez I cant of lost the plot that much not this quickly.

I really am being grumpy, awkward and hostile, and it dosnt even seem wrong, I dont even have to make an effort, its just me now. They say I cant be evil and I just think I am. How can that be when I feel it. Its me.

[Jetliner]

You can't always trust your feelings Sue.

Forget what you're feeling right now; forget what others are saying that are getting you upset; and for God's sake, forget the voices because they are lying to you. Will you try something for me, please? Go back through this forum and read some of the things you have posted. I don't mean in threads you have started but things you have said as comments to what others are going through. Someone evil could not say the things you have said. That's the real Sue! And you know, you said you don't have to make an effort now to do or think bad things - that's because you're losing yourself. You need to make an effort; you need to fight Sue! Fight for yourself just as you would for your babies! What good will you be to them if you lose this battle? This is the fight of your life. You're not alone, I promise you but, only you can decide that enough is enough. If you're angry, turn that anger against the voices and reclaim yourself! It won't be easy but, it will be worth it. :)

Don't give up Sue; that's what, "they" want. Don't let them beat you. I'm fading really fast and need at least some sleep before work tonight but I'll check in with ya as soon as I get in. Hang in there! This too shall pass! ;)

[SweetSue]

Hey John,

I am trying, seriously. Ive always felt the evil in me usually s/i is enough to calm things for a while. this time feels different. Like I am evil itself. The things I have wrote to others on this board, Ive meant every word. I was never evil toward others , certainly would never dream of doing so even now. I trust people here. In the outside world however , with people that are in my everyday life. well I dont trust them therefore, its so easy for me to be nasty or rude or grumpy with them, its like its natural for me to be this way. Where as before it was natural for me to be kind and caring.

Thats all gone now. I dont give a rainbows end anymore, if they upset or anger me in the slightest, I dont even try to understand there actions. I just automatically hate them. And I make it so obvious. dont even try and hide the way I feel. Anything and everything is just getting to me, stupid things really.

My babies, they are my heart. my babies are not with me. My heart is well and truely broken. I have no heart left anymore. s/services put paid to that. The final nail in my coffin, well that comes in Jan, when I have to go before the adoption panel, and listen as they talk about my babies as if they are handing out a bag of sweets to thier friends. Oh im fighting through the courts on this one. But it seems its a loosing battle. Mind you thats if I even make it to Jan, how the hell can I possibly get through xmas with out them. It all just "sucks" and hurts like no tomorrows ever could.

Im so "p'ed" coz no matter how high I have to jump, the barr keeps getting raised. I have nothing left to loose, if they adopt my babies, thats it game over. People have already made there mind up about me so what the hell blow it.

I done my time of being nice , caring and understanding off the outside world, and geez didnt I screw that one nicely over the past 35 years, now I just dont care, why should I. Once my kids go, so does my so called life. What does it really matter that now the evil controls me, I cant fight it . Havnt a clue where to begin, and if I did Im not so sure Id try to defeat it.

Im just grumpy............................................ .

[SweetSue]

This is crazy, and I am getting more and more confused as the time passes. cant wait to get out of this place. maybe when my section runs out on monday and I go home then maybe things will go back to how they were. Just have to get through another 30 hours or so then freedom again.

If I just get home lock myself in the house and never do anything or go anywhere, it wont matter about me being evil, mean and grumpy. Maybe things will just snap back as quick as they came...............................

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ok so after long careful consideration, and well weeks of time to think about this. ive come to the conclusion, that I was always a "B"

and so just want to say stuff this frigginf BS the world keeps throwing my way, infact BLOW IT ALL.

Hey hum