"TRIGGER" scared im gonna go too far.

[SweetSue]

my baby is ill again, and where am i , huh. stuck thats where. going out of my mind with worry and theres not a damn thing that i can do to help her, cant even hold her hand, and even though no matter how much i want to i cant tell her i love her. dont even actually know exactly where she is so even if i did manage to escape and do a runner from in here i dont even know how to get to her. and well im so :mad: MAD and like totally :confused: and just :eek:
and why is my baby ill again well coz of the time of year i guess but that so isnt the point its just not flipping right and i am fuming that i cant be with her and i just need to well whatever. just like im loosing the control now big time and just when i thought that i could handle knowing my baby was ill and i cant be with her its just like one thing too many right now.and i just know im gonna mess up again coz this feeling is growing out of control and the evil in me thatt is me is just encouraging me and i seriously do not need any encouragement right now, and oh just shut up sue

[Mark]

Take several deep breaths JJ. You sound very panicked at the moment, and you need to get through that feeling before taking any actions. When you have managed to calm yourself (or when it wears off), then when you aren't feeling like jumping out of your skin, you can start to problem solve what to do about the situation (which I don't have context enough to understand - sorry!) but which sounds very painful and which is causing you to feel very helpless.

Mark

[SweetSue]

like breathing kinda helps i guess. you know im not panicky (i dont think) i just am stuck, and the stupid situation i am in has me flipping well trapped just coz well just coz really.
Still in hospital. Babies are in foster care like all 4 of them. baby has like c/f and has yet again got a poorly chest and is in hospital. (flipping weather !!!) I cant leave here, kinda locked in (great) my 19 month old baby is kinda in another hospital im not allowed to visit coz im only allowed contact when s/services allow me. i cant talk and even if i could who the hell do i phone. and like im just whinging coz im screwing up coz likethat so helps matters. i just need to explode coz this evil is not getting out of me, and like i dont expect that to make any sense what so ever :mad:

[SweetSue]

oh it dont matter whatever way its just screwed up so dma

[goose]

Jj. Can you ask for a daily update on your daughter? Waiting and wondering is a very difficult situation to be in.

In the day hospital I was in there was a woman who was unable to see her daughter, how she coped with this was by writing to her and making cards for her, in this way she could express her love in a concrete way. She was going to give her daughter the letters and cards when she was going to be eventually re-united with her.

Are you doing art in this new hospital? Would they allow you make a scrapbook for each of your children do you think?

I know your concentration is poor at the moment, but I think you said before that you do enjoy the art.

Take Care

Goose

[SweetSue]

well not sure what is really happening to me lately, just seem to be messing up all the time, and well last night was no different. I feel like nothing , so what does it really matter. no longer a moma, no longer myself, nothing. just breathing, which is very over rated at times. im not me anymore just this spiteful resentful nothing that is filled with i dont know what anymore just feel too much evil and cant seem to get it out of me and thats not for the want of trying. im not suicidal (im not that lucky) everything is building and building and the anger and hurt that i am feeling is sending me into this rage that i cant control im evil, and the evil is making me so angry and like i just need to do something anything but theres only this that i know that kinda helps even if only tempory, just keeps building up and thats what scares me in a wierd kinda way coz i think that i am past caring about anything or anyone and shit i dont know what the heck that i think my intentions are going to even do but only know that i cant fight the urge to just let it be, whatever. just like :eek: just so angry and never felt this type of anger /fear before and i really do think that maybe it is just a case of them or me, i have to let them , somehow allow them out of me and then well then maybe things can just oh idk:( too far, too late. too much :mad: